Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

[AppleUnderSwan]

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

Hi 👋
I can feel your pain so let me say the Safeguarding bit first..in case :
Given the significant age gap and your concerns for your daughter's well-being, prioritize her safety and welfare. Consider:

1. Contacting local authorities or a social worker for guidance and support, also you can see if Sarah's or Claire law will help with his background info hiven shes under 18.

I have used both Sarah's and Claire law before and the police were quick and helpful.

1. Seeking help from a trusted family member, counselor, or support group For yourself

1. Meeting with your daughter in a public place, as she suggests, to express your concerns and try to establish a dialogue.

Explaining your not her friend your her mum and if in 16 years time this is your daughter, how woukd you feel.

Prioritize your daughter's safety and well-being above all else.

Yes the waking 2 hourly was inappropriate as :

1. both my daughters slept through 5 hours from day 1 and the eldest 7 hours from 3 months. 2 ) Baby is on the way, she may be scared and vulnerable right now as well as gobby to mask the fear.

Not sure if this helpful or not.
I do feel the unsettlemwnt and Hooe things improves soon.

I would be really really concerned about any 23 year old willing to get into a sexual relationship with a child who is barely over the age of consent and would worry about his motivations and character. I don’t think you can do much legally but you can request Claire’s Law and Sarah’s law disclosures from the police on the basis you are worried for your teen daughter.

I think you need to keep communication open with her and wholeheartedly apologise for the stupid way you handled things.

Shes not going to come back, she has fledged.

You need to stop treating her like a naughty little child who is to dumb to understand life, regardless of if you like it or not she is someones mother now.

She will never come back to you as your little child but if you accept and support her you can still salvage a grown mother/daughter relationship (and future relationship with your grandkids).

You do this by stepping back and giving her space but not cutting her off. Check in (but do not demand or expect her to do anything she will respond when she is ready) and offer her calm meetings in a friendly public place where you support and take interest in her life (do NOT tell her she is wrong and put her down) to rebuild that relationship.

Except you’ve made all this up. This is by far an ideal situation, but none of what op has posted points too grooming, even op said she thinks it was a few months ago! The daughter is nearly 17!
im sure op reporting them will push her even further away.
she’s 16, nearly 17 🙄not sure where you’ve got your story from.
i don’t think you did well op. I think you need to keep all communication op, don’t slag the bf off or its just going to push her further away. Either she will come back, or they will make it work.

You sound a bit of an arsehole op, waking her every 2 hours to show her what it will be like? Sounds like you're doing that to punish her! Borderline psychotic to even think that, that would be a good idea. 16 or 26, no pregnant woman would be happy about someone waking them up every 2 hours during the night

Actually waking her up every 2 hours was a good idea. You were giving her a reality check whilst she still had time to do something about her situation.

its no good her having a reality check and regretting the baby once it’s here, she can’t change her situation then.

i would be really upset if my daughter was pregnant at 16 and I would do the same in trying to get them to see the reality whilst there was time to change things.

if she’s set on having this baby and won’t be told anything (as 16 year olds know fuck all about life but think they know everything) then she’s going to have to go learn the hard way.

i wouldn’t be encouraging her to live at home with a baby as it’s highly likely that you’ll end up doing most of the care whilst she thinks she can continue life as normal.

She hasn't run away, she's gone to stay with her boyfriend because you pissed her off, and told you as much 😂😂

I'd be disgusted if any 23 yo I knew was sleeping with a 16 yo, but by kicking off about it you'll just drive her closer to him. Be there for her so she feels like she can tell you without getting "I told you so" when he turns out to be a prick.

You sound like you know nothing about the boy she’s been seeing?? Do you know his parents, where he lives etc?
I think the waking her up was a bit mad tbh.
obviously this is a serious situation but it’s already gone beyond the point of you being able to really intervene… that would’ve been when she started seeing this boy.. or maybe even earlier when discussing contraception etc. I think all you can do now is be there for her.. in your shoes I would be trying to be her best friend to get her home where you can at least support her. Best of luck xx

And OP will undoubtedly be left holding the baby. The baby of a 23 year old man who got a 16 year old pregnant.

It sounds hard OP.

In this situation I would be showing tough love. Let her go. I have sons rather than daughters but some of his friends are joining the military and are off to train in September. It’s a funny age but they are all but adults and they have their own choices to make now. I personally wouldn’t be happy to help raise a baby at this stage in my life so if she was mine I would be making it very clear she should make decisions on that basis. It sounds harsh but I also have a 13 year old and a seven year old and I’d have no capacity or desire to do anything more than occasional babysitting for a small child. If you feel that same then wish her all the best, leave her to make her own decisions and say she is welcome to live at home til baby comes but will then have to get her own place and find a means of supporting a child. She deserves to know exactly what you can give before she goes any further.

OP, I understand you must be in shock as your daughter must be too...

As others have said, apologise for waking her up every 2 hours, explain you was in shock too and acted without thinking....

Explain you are there for her ongoing to support her when she needs it, she is always welcome home.

These are very early days, I have a feeling as the pregnancy progresses and she is in the latter stages dealing with all the symptoms/feelings associated with pregnancy and an oncoming birth she will need you..

thinking of you x

Idk why people are trying to downplay the grim nature of the relationship as well. She is 16 - at school. No decent 23 year old goes after schoolgirls. I know several men that age and they’d go nowhere a 16 year old. And a man who has got his 16 year old girlfriend pregnant and now lets her move in with him and says he will be there for her and the baby when there’s about zero chance of that actually happening long term is the lowest of the low.

The man sounds a creep. I’m not surprised you’re worried @AppleUnderSwan.

As others have said, keep all
lines of communication open, meet her as she suggests, apologise for the waking up. She’s going to need her mum.

(The OP’s tack of waking up wasn’t the best idea but it wasn’t abuse or torture (did she say she did that for days or weekend on end? I must have missed that) and those saying it is frankly need to give themselves a slap. Pure MN hyperbolic batshittery.)

Indeed, he’s disgusting.

well done on harassing your own child to such extent, goodness gracious

I'd be devastated too but the last thing I'd be doing would be hamfistedly persuading her/forcing her to abort. It's her body.
She has made up her mind to have the baby. That's her decision not the OPs.
If it does not work out with the bf she still shouldn't be having a late abortion she doesn't want, when adoption is also a possibility.
I say that as someone who is very much pro choice.

If it was my daughter I would be absolutely encouraging her to abort at 16. As she is definitely not ready to look after a baby properly.

So would I. I would be really upset if my daughter was pregnant at 16.

I don't know what "support" I'm expected to offer but it sure as hell wouldn't be, "there, there, do what you think's best" And I'd be making it clear that looking after her baby isn't on my to do list.

I would be very strongly advising her to abort. Not forcing her but no way in hell would I be saying all will be okay and that she can still do anything she wants or any nonsense like that. I would tell her that she is effectively ruining her life by having a kid with someone she barely knows when she’s just finished her GCSEs. I’d say the choice is hers but that she will be raising this child herself, i will not be doing it for her. That may well involve waking every other hour for feeds as well as a host of other implications, such as not being able to go out with friends, travel or basically live the life of an ordinary young person. She will be on her own, the dad will likely disappear sharpish and she is likely to struggle financially. This is the time that she can still do something about it. Once the baby is here, that is it.

Same here.

Sorry, OP. What an awful situation.

I'm in the no decent 23 year old man is going to date a 16 year old teenager/child. And that's what she is. She's not an 'underage woman' as creeps suggest; she's a child.

I would be so upset. She's a child and a 23 year old man should not be interested in a child. I'd be beside myself. However I think waking her every 2 hours was psychotic and no wonder she's left 🤨

Also people always trot out Stacey Solomon as an example of how single teen mums can do really well for themselves. Yeah, she got famous from a talent show and capitalised on that. She did not knuckle down and pass all her exams and go to uni despite having a baby. She got extremely lucky - your average teen girl has about as much chance of sprouting wings and flying to the moon. There will also be teen mum influencers on social media who have 500k followers and earn a fortune. For 99.9% of teen mums that won’t happen. There were a few at my school. Without exception they now either don’t work and claim benefits or work in very low paid menial work, none did their a-levels, none are still with the fathers of the kids, the majority have had kids with various men since then. I wouldn’t want that for my DD, I know it’s very judgmental but it would break my heart if that was her future and her life.

Not really sure what you want to achieve except control? Your waking a pregnant teenager up purposefully and frequently during the night just to teach her a lesson is psychotic.

You don’t find it impossible to talk to her- you find it impossible to control her, and hoped resorting to sleep torture would do the trick. You criticised her boyfriend to her- again not sure what you wanted to achieve. She’s already pregnant by a 23 year old- the opportunity to have had those conversations with her are long past.

You need to accept that she’s old enough to make her own choices about her body and relationships. If you wanted her to make different choices, you should have nurtured a more open and communicative relationship where she might have opened up about her relationship to you and you could have had non-judgmental conversations/ arranged birth control at an earlier stage.

But your behaviour shows exactly why she hid those things from you. Whatever you hold tight will break- if you love her and want a future relationship, you’ll need to loosen your grip.

Sounds like you need to apologise profusely for the 2 hour wakening, you’ve got a lot of bridges to build.