Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

[AppleUnderSwan]

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

Well you tried to coerce her into an abortion she doesn’t want so you deserve for her to never speak to you again.

But you could beg for forgiveness and be there for her next time she needs you.

I think the age gap is a big red flag - it is potentially a safeguarding issues.

I think waking her up every two hours is abusive - it seems like you were trying to pressurise her into having an abortion. That is not your choice to make. She has to live with decision with the rest of her life.

Let her go, OP. And don't give her any money. Give her a few weeks warning and then stop paying for her phone. Inform the school and social services. If this is what she wants, then she needs to start acting like the adult she thinks she clearly is. A little tough love won't harm. It's highly likely that the BF is going to get very fed up with this situation very quickly when he's financing it all.

It's very invasive to come into your daughters room and start waking her up. I would try and pretend to be on board and get as much info as possible about the man. Like what he does for a living, where he lives and what sort of upbringing his had.

The main concern is that he's 23 and your DD is 16 not that she's pregnant OP. Your DD does sound immature!.

That's the least of OPs worries if you ask me!

Clearly there's a big communication issue if OP feels the need to resort to do drastic things like waking her DD up. It's crazy!

I'd keep the phone - she might need an independent way to contact the OP later on.

Why would you wake up a pregnant person every 2 hours causing her stress and anxiety - not to mention that good sleep is very important in pregnancy - is beyond me!
While I completely understand you are coming from the best of intentions and you must be worried sick - you do come across as a controlling mother, which may have contributed to this outcome (teenagers tend to be rebellious).

Not sure what outcome are you hoping for but:

• you can't make her give up the child or pregnancy - it is not your choice to make and pushing for this is 100 percent you losing your child (not literally but in terms of contact and relationship)

You should apologise and say you want to be there for her, help her support the child and you will always be there. If the guy is around you'll be polite and welcoming, and if he is gone at some point you should refrain yourself from saying - I told you so (but I doubt you'll be able to).

OK putting aside the pregnancy, I was 16 and my then boyfriend was 22 and turned 23 in may so the age gap they have is exactly the same as myself. We are now married, children ect. I would say my now husband was a very quiet sweet person and her boyfriend may also be so try and go into this with no opinion. Im not saying I would be happy if one my girls also had the same age gap but obviously I can't be a hypocrite.

Now the baby situation is very difficult. I assume she has finished her GSCEs, have you spoken to her about what the actual plan is if they keep the baby? That would be my starting point and see if there's a way you can offer options of what her life will look like with or without a baby as unbiased as you can.

You do need to apologise for the waking her up and probably your reaction to this.

No wonder she ran off, what on earth were you thinking!
Apologise for your behaviour, and let her know whenever she needs you, you’ll be available and won’t judge her.
Don’t say anything negative about her partner, you have already shown her that you are acting irrationally so any input from you about him will be ignored.
Actually be a parent, she could of told you she was dying of cancer, she is pregnant it’s not the end of the world.

I don't know why the OP is getting such a hard time on here! My dd is 16 and I'd be devastated if she was in this situation. This is a desperate mum trying to make her daughter see sense. Having a baby at 16 is far from ideal. Having a boyfriend who is a grown man when she's just a child herself is weird. A seven year age gap is fine when you're in your 30s + but a grown adult man and a school girl?!
What about her gcses and A levels etc???
If it was my dd I'd be totally saying end the pregnancy, leave the paedo and get back to enjoying a normal life and put this nonsense behind you.

I would back off completely, you can't force her to come home, if she has decided to keep the baby she will grow up fast enough.
Presuming he is working, and he is happy that she's pregnant then presumably he's happy to support her. Make it clear the door is always open and should she chose to come home then you will welcome her. Whilst she is away from home, she's now an independent adult and she and him are responsible for themselves.

@AppleUnderSwanyou haven’t reacted to this in a supportive way and waking her up every two hours is idiotic at best, more downright abusive. Your daughter is about to become a mother and needs to be calm and rested, what on earth were you thinking?!

What on earth were you thinking, waking her up every two hours!? Frankly, she was right to call you a psycho. I can understand why you're not thrilled about the age gap and her keeping the baby, but if you normally relate to her in that extremely controlling manner then it's no wonder she has tried to create a happy family away from you. I feel terribly sorry for her, you have let her down badly.

I was completely shocked reading the OP, it is clear cut abuse. Why do some people think that the parent-child relationship entitles them to treat people like this? Sleep deprivation? Of a first trimester pregnant teenager? Thank you for making this comment as I then see people saying her actions are understandable!

I’m not surprised the daughter has emotionally bonded with an adult man, reckless behaviour but I can’t imagine what other behaviour OP justifies when things don’t go her way as a mother.

Hoping OP’s daughter stays safe.

Well, first off, she's not wrong that waking someone up every 2 hours, especially when they are pregnant, is psycho.

What you need to do is respect that she's keeping the baby and stop acting so weird. It is likely that social services will want to be involved in this as she's still a child and as a parent I'd want them to be overseeing this. Their priority will be the safety of the unborn baby and this is more likely to be at home with you than in a house share with two young men.

Hopefully, she will quickly find the grime and poverty intolerable and want to come home to where someone else cleans the bathroom and her laundry gets done for her.

I find the waking her up quite worrying.

It sounds as if you are trying to push her towards choosing not to have the baby. But it is her choice, you should be explaining to her all the choices that are open to her (including keeping the baby if that is what she wants to do), and telling her you will be supporting her in whatever choice SHE makes.

None of the options will be easy, and she is very young, she needs to know you are there for her and will always be her safe place. If things go wrong, don;t push her to a point where she feels she can't come home. Don't try to force her to make the decision you think is best, and don't indulge in behaviour towards her that looks like punishment.

I understand why the OP is upset, I would be too, but the daughter is right - she has acted like psycho. If she wants any influence at all over her daughter the OP needs to backtrack, apologise and keep lines of communication open.

Honestly, I understand why you done what you done with the waking OP. You are probably desperate and worried and trying to make your daughter see sense. I wouldn’t have done that but I wouldn’t be bothered getting up to every few hours but also and more importantly, a tired kranky and pregnant 16 is not going to be at her best and ready for a conversation.
Anyway, I would get in touch with her, apologise for making her feel upset etc and meet her as she has suggested. She may bring boyfriend and that’s fine, unfortunately he is part of the package for now.
It’s unlikely this will work out for the pair of them but maybe in a few weeks your daughter, or her boyfriend, will realise this and call it a day. This is the point where your daughter will need you more than ever.

For what it’s worth, I have -a 20 year old son and a 13 year old daughter and I know that if either ended up in this position I’d be so so disappointed. Unfortunately it has happened now and for now your daughter wants to keep the baby, you won’t be able to dissuade her. She may well change her mind but for now you just need to support, I’m sorry, it’s such a worry. I hope it all works out.

I get it op, you are disappointed, I think every parent would be. However, what I will say is just reassure her you’ll be there for her and support her whatever she decides (even if it’s not what you want!). I got pregnant a little older than your DD at 18 by an older guy, I didn’t feel like my mum was there for me at all and could be quite nasty at times, I resented her for it. I just wanted to be supported.

Who knows where it will go with dd and the dad of baby, hopefully things will work out okay despite the age gap but remind you’ll be there for her regardless of what happens between them! You’ll push her further away if you make it difficult for her to see him, she needs to figure out that herself, sometimes young girls can be blind to the red flags and need time to realise that themselves in my experience.

Just be there for her.

As you know, DD is over the age of consent and if she goes on to have a baby with him, this man will be in her life and all your lives to an extent, for the rest of her life. She has the right to have sex and to continue the pregnancy, so you can only support her and make it clear that she's always welcome in your home. If you offered to meet her boyfriend, perhaps in a neutral place like a cafe, you would have more idea what is really going on.

So would any of these if it happened to them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Rubbish. The kid is a child and thinks she knows it all but will realise soon enough what a huge mistake she’s made, but it will be far too late by then.

I’d leave her to get on with and wait for her to come crawling back in a few month’s time when he’s dumped her or she discovers he’s a serial cheater.

OP, look at it from her point of view. She's in love, she's pregnant which is scary enough, and then the one person she should have been able to go to for sense and support, decided to deprive her of sleep as some sort of a punishment and to pressure her to abort against her will.

In contrast, her lovely, caring boyfriend has opened his home to her and offered her all the support and care that you did not. And you wonder why she left !!

Incidentally, she hasn't run away, she has moved out to live with someone she feels safe with.

You need to regain her trust. Apologise unequivocally, offer her whatever help she will accept, regardless of her decision. Tell her she and her baby will always be welcome in your home. Ask to meet her partner. Do not try to pressure her.

If she says no, wait and then try again in a month.

My heart goes out to you OP