Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

[AppleUnderSwan]

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

The young man is the father of your new grandchild, so it's important that you build a good relationship with him, and re-build one with your daughter. Ask what you can do to help support her for the rest of her pregnancy and the birth. She needs you, so do step up for her and for your grandchild.

Just on the other side about him being 23? Does (did?) he know she was 16? Teenagers lie and a lot of them look a lot older. Just look up Beyonce's daughter Blue, you're seriously going to look at her and immediately assume she's 13?

Yes him sleeping with a 16 year old is icky and wrong...but it's not that bad if he thought she was 19/20.

You on the other hand OP, waking someone up in the middle of the night is just weird and is classed as a form of torture. I wouldn't blame her if she never came home to be honest.

Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake

You think??? 🙄

You sound like a nightmare. For a start your thread title is totally inaccurate. She's not run away with anyone. Shes gone and stayed overnight at his. Probably because at home some lunatic wakes her every 2 hours.

Try being supportive & talk to her rather than driving her away

She turns 17 in October. I don't think that there is any reason to think that they were dating before she turned 16. We spotted signs and suspected she was dating someone around 4 months ago, but when we quizzed her about this she basically told us to fuck off and that she'd talk to us about it when she was ready

Yes I agree I would prioritise communication etc, however it is more than likely (can't stay completely without all the details) that he groomed her because she is 16 and he's 23. That is still hovering on a line and would still garner some level of safeguarding investigation because despite her being age of consent he is an adult and an adult should never be having sex with a minor especially one who is 16. It's not like two 16 year old or even someone whose 18 with someone about to turn 18 in a month. He was 23, and is most definitely predatory and likely groomed her and controlled her and potentially other things as well. She can leave home, and OP can still report it, as she should but it needs to be looked into. If I'm right then actually they could get her help to leave him and resources whether OP is heavily involved or not because it could be very dangerous for her and she may get herself into more unsafe situations. A report should still happen, at the very least to trigger other services to get involved and get her help whether or not he's charged with anything.

I am sorry that this has happened. Yes you waking her up like that must feel “psychotic” but I would be beyond disappointed if my child was going to be a parent at 16.

At that age they think they know it all - and this decision will likely impact you greatly as you will be expected to be on hand to help extensively with childcare. Is there no chance she would consider a termination.

There are no grounds for a welfare check. Op knows where her daughter is and is communicating with her. Theres nothing there that the police need to check

You say you’d support her then you wake her up every 2 hours to show her what it’s like. That’s not support that’s you telling her you don’t want her to have the baby. Do you really wonder why she left.

If she wants to keep the baby then so be it, be the support she needs. Understand how she is, be with her, talk to her not at her.

Gosh, you really ran away with that.

At 17 I was living - and sleeping - with a 27 year old. We met at work. I continued to go to school (A levels) and was very much in control. I got a job at 18 and bought my own house at 19. We split up shortly afterwards. I was always in control and older than my years. I wasn’t groomed. I made sure I didn’t get pregnant.

I had several older boyfriends in my late teens and early 20s. They were a lot more interesting than men my own age and I was more experimental and free spirited than those their own age. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This ^. I can't believe you woke her up every two hours? Gosh, some people are so effing weird. Your poor daughter . Yes, you were behaving like psycho and now you've pushed her away. Might be best if she stays at his.

Instead of waking her up at night have you tried telling her how much hard work it is looking after a baby? How it is simply living under house arrest while cleaning up shit, piss and puke for years while the father fucks off out of the house every day, or maybe he'll be a hands on dad, you never know.

@TheLivelyViper wow that's quite the story you've completely made up in your own mind.

as difficult as it is you need to be like sugar / honey is to ants. basically as helpful and supportive as poss

You assumed ? Your parenting skills are zero. Still a child.

OP, have you texted her back yet? She is reaching out to you.

“I love you. I’m glad you’re OK. I’m sorry for what happened at home. Let’s meet, and I will listen and respect your choices”.

I should think that would be about the gist of it. Then you will need to find your way to a new relationship with her. It probably won’t be easy, but you both need it.

Were you hoping to bully her into having a termination by waking her up every two hours? When she HAS the baby she'll find out about sleep deprivation: she doesn't need you to demonstrate it.

There's a lot missing from your story.

There are definite signs that the relationship that you have managed to build with your daughter is in trouble, it's not a normal reaction for a teenager to tell you to fuck off if you ask them if they're seeing anyone.

It's also not normal or reasonable to set your alarm every two hours and shake a pregnant woman awake to teach her a lesson.

You need to apologies, back right down, tell her you know that you have made many mistakes and you're sorry, and shut up and listen to her now, if she's willing to talk to you.

She won't be back asking for money or help then will she?

You woke her up every two hours? No wonder she left your house for somewhere more welcoming.

you need to apologise and become accepting and really helpful in the future to get past this.

What's done is done. I wouldn't apologise for waking her up - it wasn't your best decision but it is what having a baby is all about. I'd keep lines of communication open but I'd leave her to find out just how different living with her 'boyfriend ' will be. Who is cooking, cleaning, paying? She's still a child - this will be a test of their relationship and an insight to their future. Don't beg her to come home, talk to her but let her see the realities of her situation.

I understand why you're worried and preoccupied - I would be terrified if my 16 year old daughter was pregnant.

But you've really not handled this well so far. Waking her up in the middle of the night to make a point has just made you look a bit unhinged and vindictive. You've lost a lot of what moral authority you might have had and you should have got a grip before doing this.

It's done now: what you can do is apologise to her and make clear that you want to support her and respect her decisions. If you keep doing things which are cruel and punitive you're going to push her further away which you really don't want right now.

On the plus side the boyfriend at least is working and can support himself and appears to be standing by her. He's also very young, so that may or may not stick and its possible that living with him will make her realise this. But she's safe and with someone who for now appears to care about her.

Your job for now is to keep lines of communication open and keep things on an even keel. Be a mother to her now or you may lose her forever.

You should start with an apology for waking her up every 2 hours. No wonder she has gone off with the father if that's the taste she gets of your level of support. You should reflect on any other unreasonable behaviour you have used with her and apologise for that, particularly anything bordering abuse so she doesn't think it's acceptable for the babies father to treat her that way. Let her know that you want to support her and help her continue her education (if that's the case) so that she can get in position where she can provide well for her child independently. Meet the babies father, be nice and polite with him, any concerns you have share them gently with your DD in private otherwise you could push them closer together and she could end up isolated.

I have girls of a similar age and I would be worried sick under the circumstances too but what on earth did you think would happen behaving like that.

Ignoring the obvious fact of how any pregnant woman would react to being woken up every two hours for no reason, you told her you would you support her in her decision and then immediately started trying to bullying her into changing her mind. Of course she doesn’t trust you!

All you can do now is do as she asks of you and hope you can try and rebuild her trust in you.

Okay okay she shouldn’t have woken her up but to be honest that might have been something that makes this girl realise what an enormous mistake she’s making. Yes there’s the odd success story about a teen mum but the vast majority will end up with few qualifications and vastly reduced opportunities. Her “supportive” boyfriend whom she has only just started dating and who shares a flat with a mate will be off soon, no matter what he says now. Maybe if she lives with him now, it will speed up the breakdown of their relationship and she will realise what she’s letting herself in for and it will hopefully not be too late for an abortion. I’d be devastated if this was my DD.

Nobody is prepared for sleep deprivation. At 16 or 40. But anecdotally I have found it a lot harder than a friend who had her children under 20! You had no right to wake her like that, it’s nothing but mean and has driven her away. You need to be open and available and supportive if you want to have any chance of salvaging a relationship. Any kind of ‘told you so’ will be straws on the camels back.