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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

368 replies

AppleUnderSwan · 04/08/2025 15:44

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

OP posts:
PhotoFirePoet · 05/08/2025 18:48

Billybagpuss · 04/08/2025 16:16

First thing you need to do is apologise. The 2 hour thing was batshit and she’s going to have to grow up very quickly over the next 12 months if she decides for sure to go through with it, it’s still early days.

Do meet her for coffee, or whatever she’s able to stomach and make the meeting about her, how is she feeling, how is the flat what is bf like and don’t judge her, or try and influence her in any way unless she genuinely asks for your opinion and looks open to the reality. Yes she’s being very naive but she needs to feel safe with you as obviously the proposed living arrangements will be challenging.

Agree with this 👌🏼

MummyLK · 05/08/2025 18:54

Oh this must be so hard, I hope all went okay today! ❤️

Kjpt140v · 05/08/2025 19:02

What are you on? It's little wonder she's walked out.

ThatRealPombear · 05/08/2025 19:28

Devonshiregal · 04/08/2025 22:00

Probably was a normal phase but she screwed up and got pregnant so unfortunately it’s a phase that will now impact her whole life. BUT, that being said, it’s a baby. Babies are lovely and you’re going to have a new member of the family. If you carry on with any HINT of the disapproving, controlling attitude you went in with you are going to drive a wedge between you so far you’ll likely not recover. Your only job now is to slap a smile on your face and be the best grandmother you could ask for. That means getting excited and coo-ey over baby stuff. It means making memory books and taking photos of her with fruits the size of the baby. It means not asking “what are you plans” or “well when the baby’s here how do you think…” . It means smiling when this gross man who inpregnated your 16 year old daughter is an annoying idiot. It means asking to meet his parents and being the most easy going, welcoming person in the world. And then…when she decides he’s an arsehole in 5 years time, she is free to come home. Otherwise she will be stuck in that relationship because she made decision against your will to be in it, and her pride and shame won’t let her admit to you she was wrong.

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This is excellent advice

Laura95167 · 05/08/2025 19:29

Meet her in a place shes comfy.

Reiterate you love her, trust her decisions (even if you don't) and she can come stay with you whenever she wants.

Have an open mind with the father. Hes either a good guy in which case you want him on side or hes NOT a good guy and you want him in sight.

I think your daughter is very soon going to need you and playing your cards close to your chest and offering as much understanding as you can manage is your best bet at keeping her safe and getting her home

Silversaxo · 05/08/2025 19:32

I got pregnant at 17, my parents were truly awful to me. I’m almost 40 now, and the relationship has never fully recovered.

i understand you’re upset, but your child needs you right now. Her life is not over, it will just be different to how you imagined it to be. I still went to uni, I own my own house, all 3 of my children have a full and rich life, and I married the boy I met when we were both 13. Whilst your child’s life might not pan out the same way, please don’t make things even harder for her.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 05/08/2025 20:25

FairKoala · 05/08/2025 13:58

How has waking her dd up every 2 hours to teach her the reality of having a baby worked out

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Why are you asking me that? I said it was a bad idea.

Fraggeek · 05/08/2025 20:39

Lunde · 04/08/2025 19:26

The police are not going to force an almost 17 year old home, and unfortunately because of OP's batshit behaviour the daughter can make a good case for the fact she left an abusive home. As sleep depriving a pregnant 16 year old would probably be classed as abuse if the dd tells police/ss.

There is a long running MN thread where the OP's 16 year old (boy) left home to move in with a coercive controlling 27 year old woman. There was a lot of input from SS, police and his college counsellors but at the end their hands were tied as the boy insisted he wanted to be there.

OP's best strategy would be to try and build bridges to keep the communication like open - unfortunately OP's crazy behaviour has right now pushed her daughter closer to the bf. Perhaps the best way would be to start slowly and invite her for coffee/lunch in town and just talk to her rather than trying to law down the law.

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If there is a safeguarding concern re: boyfriend, whilst they may not necessarily return her home, they can remove her from where she is staying. It's literally dealt with case by case.

It's a very grey area.

Original poster
AppleUnderSwan · 05/08/2025 20:54

Thanks for replying everyone, and sorry for not being very responsive

We saw her today. She seemed mostly relaxed. She doesn't know what she wants to do in terms of education or a job eventually, she's agreed to 'start' A-levels but I get the feeling that she doesn't have the intention of continuing when the baby arrives. She has made an appointment with a midwife on her own. His flatmate is fine with her staying in the immediate future, but as suspected, isn't okay with having a newborn baby living with them and they are planning to find their own flat. She says that he says he can afford that and that his parents have offered to help financially with some of the baby stuff. We have arranged to meet with her boyfriend on Thursday evening. We told her that I am happy to look after the baby on Fridays (I have a 4 day week) and also we can look after it for 1 night a week, but that we weren't doing anything more. To this she replied with oh that's fine cause her boyfriend's mum said she can look after it whenever. I am worried by how supportive they seem to be about this and they do seem to be encouraging this messed up situation, but I guess that's a good thing in some ways

OP posts:
MrsSunshine2b · 05/08/2025 21:00

AppleUnderSwan · 05/08/2025 20:54

Thanks for replying everyone, and sorry for not being very responsive

We saw her today. She seemed mostly relaxed. She doesn't know what she wants to do in terms of education or a job eventually, she's agreed to 'start' A-levels but I get the feeling that she doesn't have the intention of continuing when the baby arrives. She has made an appointment with a midwife on her own. His flatmate is fine with her staying in the immediate future, but as suspected, isn't okay with having a newborn baby living with them and they are planning to find their own flat. She says that he says he can afford that and that his parents have offered to help financially with some of the baby stuff. We have arranged to meet with her boyfriend on Thursday evening. We told her that I am happy to look after the baby on Fridays (I have a 4 day week) and also we can look after it for 1 night a week, but that we weren't doing anything more. To this she replied with oh that's fine cause her boyfriend's mum said she can look after it whenever. I am worried by how supportive they seem to be about this and they do seem to be encouraging this messed up situation, but I guess that's a good thing in some ways

You're worried that they are going to support their grandchild?

You seem to be still thinking there's something you or they could do to "stop" this, there isn't. You can make life easier for her or you can put yourself in a position where you are the "other" grandparents who weren't there for them when they needed you. Up to you.

FGS, do not be argumentative and confrontational with her BF when you meet him, regardless of how you feel about his age and intentions. She will choose him over you, and if you are right, things will be much worse for her if she has no-one to turn to.

Isitreallysohard · 05/08/2025 21:01

She's probably thinking the baby is her easy ticket, benefits, house etc sadly she has no idea. It's really in her hands now.

Needsleepneedcoffee · 05/08/2025 21:02

I'm not sure what you mean really by his parents encouraging this situation.

They are supporting their son, and grandchild who will soon enough be here.
The way you speak is honestly going to cause so very many problems and will drive her away from you.
She probably doesn't want your support in the way you're offering, like, I'll have baby one day, and one night a week. She wants her mum, she wants support and to feel loved.

Please consider what you want long term as a relationship with your daughter. She's having a child, not expecting you to parent for her

cobrakaieaglefang · 05/08/2025 21:03

They are probably trying to keep control of the situation too. Offering lots of support is one way to fo that. The horse has bolted, its now damage limitation.
Men can easily get frozen out when the couple split up and grandparents are at the back of the queue. Usually, women tend to lean towards their own parents, particularly their mothers.

Billybagpuss · 05/08/2025 21:05

Well done, that sounds a really positive meeting. The most important thing here is that dd feels heard and that if she does have a wobble she feels she can come to you without judgement.

I know all these plans are not going in the direction you’d like but you now have a plan A, she’s 16 you will need a plan B too as I’m sure things will evolve in the next few months.

aCatCalledFawkes · 05/08/2025 21:13

His parents can't force her to have an abortion and neither can you, would you not be concerned if they were bullying her in to one? Or waking her up every two hours to make her have one.....
She is carrying their grandchild, of course they are worried but supportive.

socks1107 · 05/08/2025 21:16

Waking a pregnant woman every two hours is pretty cruel tbh. That does make you sound a little crazy and quite nasty.

BeLemonNow · 05/08/2025 21:21

Glad to hear it went okay. I am not sure A levels are the best option as obviously they are a two year course and she's going to need some time off when baby born.

It might be worth finding some different options like apprenticeships. It sounds like she might be going down the A level path because that's the norm/obvious.

Also looking into childcare at colleges and things like that, where there might also be other younger parents.

BruFord · 05/08/2025 21:24

Ideally, it would be great if your DD and her bf are willing to organize a family get-together with the other grandparents so that you can all meet and get a sense of what each family can provide support-wise.

Like you, I’d be v. worried about the situation so you want to stay involved and not let his family take over. Their son is their priority, not your DD, and perhaps they feel that this is great for him. But he’s not a teenager with no life experience. I’d keep your DD as close as you can and look out for her interests.

MarySueSaidBoo · 05/08/2025 21:46

OP I'm glad the meeting went well, and I think it's really good to set up expectations of what you can and can't do this early on. I don't get how his parents are so blase in encouraging this. I'd die of shame if my 23 year old had got a 16 year child pregnant.... and would be chewing his ear off, not offering money and babysitting!

MrsSunshine2b · 05/08/2025 22:09

MarySueSaidBoo · 05/08/2025 21:46

OP I'm glad the meeting went well, and I think it's really good to set up expectations of what you can and can't do this early on. I don't get how his parents are so blase in encouraging this. I'd die of shame if my 23 year old had got a 16 year child pregnant.... and would be chewing his ear off, not offering money and babysitting!

How is chewing his ear off helping anyone in this situation?

CaptainMyCaptain · 05/08/2025 22:11

MrsSunshine2b · 05/08/2025 22:09

How is chewing his ear off helping anyone in this situation?

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This.

pipthomson · 05/08/2025 22:22

Have you met the guy? You might need to start separating what you want from what you need
if you want to keep the door open and offer real support for your daughter and her child I would try to keep dialogue channels open
be emotionally available and remember that expectations and harmony cannot co -exist

Manypets · 06/08/2025 08:53

AppleUnderSwan · 04/08/2025 16:04

He's 23, any 23 year old who would date a 16 year old is someone to stay away from. She has runaway because she told us that she has no intention of coming home for the indefinite future. Yes I probably have made some mistakes, but I found it impossible to talk to her and hoped something like that might be the only way to get through to her

Did she tell him she was 16. I remember "increasing" my age to boys at that time of life.

FairKoala · 07/08/2025 00:48

Glad the meeting went well but find your statement

I am worried by how supportive they seem to be about this and they do seem to be encouraging this messed up situation, but I guess that's a good thing in some ways

What bit exactly do you think they are encouraging? The pregnancy is happening without any encouragement from them. They are living together, more than likely because you wouldn’t let her sleep in her own bed.
I do think that the other set of parents realise their DS and his gf can’t be told what to do. They are having a baby. He is 23 with a job and is able to look after himself and run his own life. He isn’t a young teen at university who hasn’t a clue how to turn the washing machine on and working a minimum wage part time job.
They are just being pragmatic and doing everything to have a good relationship with this girl and their future grandchild.

They might think that it’s the most ludicrous situation their DS has got himself into but they will never say anything incase that situation ends with this young girl cutting them off from their grandchild or decades from now still with their DS and choosing their care home

forgivenessISNTshallow · 07/08/2025 17:58

She's got tons of support now. I'm glad his parents are helpful.. are you still going to report them ?? And is this really needed.

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