Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

[AppleUnderSwan]

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

100% revolted by 23 yr old, with a 16 yr old and he is too effing selfish/stupid to use birth control.

Well just so you are aware, you have parental responsibility over your child until she turns 16. So you have a duty of care to ensure that she is safe until that time.
If you don't think she is safe with this 23 year old, you need to report it to the police and have her returned home.

For the love of god don’t do this! She’s communicating with you, she’s stated her wishes this will ruin your relationship completely

OP you are getting a lot of stick on here and whilst I agree that waking up a teen every two hours whilst pregnant is a sure fire way to piss them off, and doing it for more than a night or two would be pretty abusive for sure, I get what you were doing. It's no different to taking home one of those fake baby doll things that need pretend feeding and changing, so young would-be mothers start to understand what it will be like. And the reality is that she IS going to be experiencing that exact thing for months and you wanted to make sure she really understood the reality of what she was going ahead with.

And I also reject the idea that just because you've had that 16th birthday, and can legally have sex, you are suddenly old and wise enough, with enough life experience to make mature decisions like becoming a parent. She's a child.

I think at this point, I would apologise for waking her up but explain that you wanted to ensure she was really clear on what keeping the baby would look like. I would invite her and the baby-dad to dinner and make an effort to treat them respectfully, but also use it as an opportunity to get the measure of him and lay out the realities of what them having a baby will be like. ie. You are not going to be having the baby four nights a week so they can 'catch up on sleep' or go out etc.

Showing your daughter that you are prepared to accept him/the situation (even if you aren't yet) is the best way to start moving forward.

But for what it's worth, I'm with you that she is too young and that 23 year old blokes should not be sleeping with 16 year old girls.

I agree with this poster! You woke her up (whilst she is tired and pregnant) every two hours during the night? You are bonkers

I think you need to do whatever to keep the lines of communication open, so that when it goes pear shaped she can have somewhere to go. It doesn't sound great so I think you just need to be as supportive as possible at this stage.

@AppleUnderSwan Report him to the police or some safeguarding authority, because that is likely grooming. He may expose her to drugs etc and more and it's not okay at this age. She may also be under his influence and not want to keep the baby and she likely doesn't realise the never-ending and constant responsibility of having a baby. Is she in Y11? Or going into college, she deserves an education and maybe have a proper chat about how this can change her life. Also get her contraception whether or not she terminates and get her away from him.

Apologise for being aggressive with the waking up (explain tour reasoning though, its a shock finding out your 156 year old is pregnant and you wanted her to understand the responsibility but that doesn't mean it was right). Also maybe take her to the GP (let her decide whether you come in or not) but she needs to have a proper discussion about deciding to have this baby and the risks and how it happened with a neutral professional. She can also refer her to services from there

Definitely do a Clare's law request with police to find out if her boyfriend has any criminal offences or warnings around domestic abuse, sexual behaviour. Also report him to the police as soon as possible (they will investigate) you can call or message the non-emergency line 101. They could have been having sex at 14 or 15 (looks like rape and grooming and other things perhaps) - he may have enticed her with drugs or gotten photos and blackmailed her. She is not choosing this, she's 16 and he's 23, so even if she think she's in love, he's probably controlling her.

And if she has been swayed to live in a crack house you will at least get to know. At 16 dc do stupid things. The police can reassure you she is safe. As a dm surely this is acceptable? I left home at 17 but my dm knew him and where I was..

Imagine if this 16 years old was a pregnant mumsnetter OP in her thirties telling us that her husband was shaking her awake every two hours to make her realise how hard work it will be and wanting her to abort

You’re going to have to tread carefully and yes it will be awful (she’s shacked up with a peado ffs) you’ve messed up with the weird waking in the night thing. I would do a Clare’s law request incase she’s not his first victim but otherwise you’re going to have to keep your opinions to yourself and support her as much as possible in the hope she comes to her senses and dumps him. Everything crossed she bins him off and doesn’t go through with the pregnancy because being connected to him for the rest of her life will be crap 😢

This is a guaranteed way to make sure her daughter never speaks to her again. He’s 23 not 40. Yes it’s not ideal but it doesn’t mean he’s a sexual predator either

Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.'

Yeah. I'm 60 rather than 16 and I think you're a psycho! What a bizarre thing for an adult to do to a teenager. It's utterly immature.

She can legally leave home at the age of 16 so it’s totally her decision

She may have left home but she has not run away from home. The police will not return her to the op and I don’t think the op has behaved well in all this.

if I was the daughter I don’t think I’d be in any hurry to return given the op’s updates.

You tried to torture your own daughter into having an abortion.
Your child needs your unconditional love and support. Please try that instead of psycho behaviour.

I agree. Teenagers need plenty of sleep - as to pregnant women. New mothers produce hormones which help them wake up during the night.

What the OP did was abusive.

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/home-families/family-relationships/moving-out/

She doesn't need your consent to move out at 16 and the police won't return her unless she's unsafe.

I think waking her up every 2 hours was a dickhead manoeuvre.

You need to apologise. Tell her that you respect her decision to keep the baby and would really like her home so you can support her. If she does or doesnt come home you need to invite the BF for meals and family days out. Be super nice to him. Include him in everything. Be so so accepting. At the end of the day he's going to be your grandchild dad.

Honestly, you need to play the long game. Even though the sight of him repulses you. You need to be kindness and acceptance personified.

They might be a never ending love story, but I doubt it. Whatever the weather, she and by extention you will be stuck with him forever so you need to suck it up.

Sometimes you prioritise safety and repair later. Many people are unable to either recognise the grooming and predatory behaviour or they cannot voice it. They likely have been together for a year or 2 meaning he was 21 and she was 14, or 22 and 15. That's straight up illegal behaviour. So yes it is predatory, bit I would recommend OP tells her before she reports it, but only OP knows if it's better not to as she may run off etc. Legally she is still a child, she's a minor and he's 23. Any 23 looking to get with a 16 year old is not okay and does not have good intentions. It is most certainly predatory behaviour.

I'm sure you realise this now but you haven't handled this very well. The waking her up every 2 hours was a bit mad to be honest.
However, you sound like you're coming from a good place and are just concerned for her. Try getting in touch and being honest about that - saying that you're sorry, you overeacted and you see that now etc. Try to open up communication with her again.
Regardless of how you feel about her situation I would try to stay calm and work on showing her that you are there for her.
She'll need your support going forward. Hopefully she'll realise that soon enough and she needs to know that you are there for her when she does.

This, and also the other poster's suggestion of arranging to meet in a public place and asking if she needs you to bring anything from her room for 'her new flat'.
I'd also bring some folic acid/pregnacare vitamins for her to show that you were just having a moment of madness with the shock of it all but have now given your head a wobble and got with the programme of supporting her fully in the pregnancy (even if that is not actually how you feel!). Ask if she has alerted her GP so she can get into the system to start having checks, and if she'd like you to forward info about how to do that if she hasn't yet.
If you haven't met her partner, that is also a priority for the next month!
Invite them both round for Sunday lunch.

This may well be true and if there is evidence of sexual activity when she was under 16 that is a criminal matter.
But the OP said they had only got together recently so it may be that she was over 16. It doesn't mean there isn't exploitation but proving it isn't going to be easy.
I would prioritise getting her dd to communicate with her and hopefully getting her back home again where she is safe.

There won’t be any safety and repair later, her daughter can legally leave home. The police won’t make her return, the OP said that they had only been together a few months if that’s the case and the daughter been over the age of 16 and the age of consent (I’m not saying it right but that’s the law) unfortunately if she goes nuclear she’s only going to push her daughter away more. She’s decided to move out and have this baby, op needs to support her, build trust and then try and get her back home

At the moment you've conjured up.this image of him which isn't a good one. As hard as its going to be i really think you need to meet him with an open mind. I think not knowing is often a scarier place to be.

your DD has moved in with her bf to get away from your abuse. You sound unhinged waking her up every 2 hours. Torture.