he says he’s not doin college now 😩 help

[TiredButTryin5x]

sooo ds (15) just told me out the blue this mornin he’s not doin college now 😩 just said “it’s long n i’m just gonna chill for a bit” like it’s nothing?? his gcses only just finished n he’s barely been out his room since. just xbox n energy drinks n sleepin til 2.

i don’t even know if they’re allowed to not go? someone said before they gotta be in education or whatever til 18?? is that true?? i feel stupid not knowin this stuff but i didn’t even finish school myself n no one tells you what you’re meant to do.

he had a thing open at new city college but never finished the form. i thought it was all sorted but turns out he didn’t do it. he just shrugs at me like it don’t matter.

honestly i’m panickin a bit cos i don’t want him just sittin in his room for 3 years doin nothin. but i don’t know who to talk to or what to say to him that he’ll listen to. feel like he just sees me as background noise at this point 😔

any advice welcome pls x

And your response was? He is required to be in education or training, so has no choice and theoretically you could be prosecuted. How is he funding his lifestyle(phone, xbox, drinks)?

He’s supposed to be in education or training until 18 but in practice very little happens (my DD was very ill at those ages and we looked for support in vain).

he’ll get bored. In the summer it’s one thing, with his mates around and nice weather. Come the autumn and his mates all
in college he’ll feel differently,

my DD was too ill to attend and felt very very left out.

Yes, he has to do something

https://www.gov.uk/know-when-you-can-leave-school

It's really hard but try and establish ground rules ? Unplug Internet at midnight, he needs to get up, go outside help with chores or loses phone/ Internet. Do you give him money?
What is important to him, what does he want, any interests?

In theory everyone is meant to be in education or training until 18, but in reality if kids refuse college there's not much in place. My friend's son did this and worked as a waiter instead, which was fine at the time. There's a cap on the number of hours they can work under 18 but he was living at home so it was OKish financially. I'd be encouraging your son to look at apprenticeships etc if he's not keen on full-time college. Failing that, any job is better than no job. You will lose child benefit if he's not in education, so make clear to him he cannot decide to do nothing. His options are a. a college course b. an apprenticeship or c. finding a job and paying rent or d. the armed forces. Tell him you won't be paying for anything for him if he's not at college or in training. My friend was not tough enough and her son continues to exploit her goodwill, get flaky about work and end up losing jobs etc and although he's now 20 she is still bailing him out. Try to avoid that by being firm now! College isn't for everyone, but everyone needs to do something productive and meaningful. X box and energy drinks are not that! There's really nothing wrong with working at 16 and not being in education, but he does have to work.

You really don’t need this right now, do you? On the other hand it doesn’t look as if your son has any model of how to continue with education or training.

What he needs is someone outside home who can influence, persuade and help him to understand just how important the next few years will be for him.

Were you able to speak to any of his former teachers - as advised on your other threads? They really must be your first resource.

Secondly there’s money. Have you told him your Child Benefit will be withdrawn if he doesn’t go to college - so you won’t be able to pay for anything for him?

Not wanting to put you on the spot but if he’s still hiding in ‘his’ room it sounds as if you’re still on the sofa, or a sofa bed? You must be completely exhausted. Is there really no one at all in your life who can offer you some support?

You’ve posted the same thread multiple times and you’ve been given the same advice multiple times.

You were told to ring local colleges and ask for appointments to see someone and discuss what he can do next year.

You were told to look into apprenticeships with local firms if he wants to be more hands on?

Yet you’re here again saying you don’t know what to do.

There used to be a service called Connexions who would be able to advise you but they’ve closed now and it’s done on a more local basis I believe. I’d pop an email or a phone call to the local council and ask them what services they have for young people who are NEET and go from there. Hopefully someone can support you both into finding him a place somewhere.

Yes. I remember the last thread. You were given lots of advice. But you keep posting.

the reply is so what are you going to do. On the first September you will be registered for college, on an apprenticeship or working, with the latter two your rent will start on 1st October at £50 a week. No ifs no buts you start the fact

You keep posting the same things over and over and not doing anything. Please seek some outside IRL support ASAP.

You'd be best posting on your other thread - best to keep the advice in the same place.

Maybe you could offer to go with him.

Be his parent.

The "must be in education or training" rule is completely useless because there's no "punishment" if a teen doesn't do anything - but child benefit and any other child related benefits like UC will stop.
Have you told him that the family will be losing money because your child benefit will stop?
If he isn't going to do college he needs to get a job that will cover that loss.
You need to really push that point to him. Tell him no job means you will be only be able to pay for food, basic toiletries and basic clothes and that's it.
No WiFi, no phone, no going out - because you simply won't be able to afford it.

But this is a new stage … Previously the OP’s son was just uninterested in his future, now he’s actively (well, inactively) refusing to take any next step.

Tbh I’d have thought he’d be desperate to get out of the house by any means possible. I’m pretty sure he’ll change his mind once the new baby arrives. In the meantime there’s only so much the OP can do.

And I imagine she’s beyond the point where anything said here can help her - so perhaps she’s just posting because she really doesn’t have anyone willing to listen in real life?

Honestly I know I’ll get flamed for this but I pity your children and the fact you’re about to pop out another with a boyfriend who doesn’t even live with you and you’ve known 5 minutes.

You can’t parent the children you currently have so why are you adding more to your plate?

Be the adult and parent in this situation and DO SOMETHING.

erm it would be a no from me. no option you are going. get the form, sit down and do it with him, any refusal means no xbox …who is buying energy drinks???

Are there any charities or organisations that can provide a mentor for him?
Someone who can spend time with him, talk/listen to him and help him fill out the forms or research options you don't know about.
I personally don't know of any suggestions but I believe the OP is in Romford if anyone knows of anything.

Forget about any rules. He has to do something as not doing something is madness and will end very badly. Either sign up for a collage course or apply for apprenticeships. Tour townshpykd have some sort of support for young people like skills launchpad, the zone or whatever your area calls its provision. He needs to ditch the energy drinks as they are poison and start getting out of bed and engaging with life.

I assume he's not working in any way (eg paper round) so stop funding his lazy lifestyle. No more buying energy drinks or gadgets etc. Turn off the WiFi or change the password.

Yes he needs to be in some sort of education or training. Chilling is not an option. Turn off the WiFi or change the code. Remove all tech. Don't give him any money. He will soon get bored.

@TiredButTryin5x I had a quick Google and there's a group called Youth Unity in Romford that might be able to help.

Stop buying him energy drinks, take away the xbox and don't give him any money. Parent him. Proactively do something. Anything at all. Get on the phone for support from school, college, social services, ask your midwife for more support with new pregnancy, look for youth groups, mentorship schemes, clubs. Anything. It doesn't really matter what at this point.

He can get away with doing nothing. Many do, my nephew included. At 16 decided getting up in a morning for college was just too much hassle, so stayed at home. Nothing happened to him or his parents. He is now almost 18 and still doing nothing but gaming, drinking, smoking weed and getting in trouble with the police. Another drain on society.

He has to. Youll lose child benefit and tax credits for him for a start.
Try and work out what he wants to do with his life, or even next few years.
Get him to be as honest as possible and listen to him without arguing or correcting him.
Sounds like a reaction to a long period of stress.

I think teens at this age need to feel heard and like they have some agency.
They may also just feel like college will be more of the same crap as school. I think it feels never ending!

I think id tell him that you understand hes just fjnished school and its been a lot of pressure, and its normal that he wants a break, and he definitely deserves one!

That obviously he doesnt get to just decide to opt out of everthing, so if he doesnt want to do something academic, he could choose learning a trade or an apprenticeship, but that college is better than school because you are treated much more grown up, and mostly its only 2 or 3 days a week anyway, but if he wants, you dont mind shelving the discussion for a couple of weeks so he can chill.
Id also try and book something for you two to do to celebrate finishing school and getting through it