he says he’s not doin college now 😩 help

[TiredButTryin5x]

sooo ds (15) just told me out the blue this mornin he’s not doin college now 😩 just said “it’s long n i’m just gonna chill for a bit” like it’s nothing?? his gcses only just finished n he’s barely been out his room since. just xbox n energy drinks n sleepin til 2.

i don’t even know if they’re allowed to not go? someone said before they gotta be in education or whatever til 18?? is that true?? i feel stupid not knowin this stuff but i didn’t even finish school myself n no one tells you what you’re meant to do.

he had a thing open at new city college but never finished the form. i thought it was all sorted but turns out he didn’t do it. he just shrugs at me like it don’t matter.

honestly i’m panickin a bit cos i don’t want him just sittin in his room for 3 years doin nothin. but i don’t know who to talk to or what to say to him that he’ll listen to. feel like he just sees me as background noise at this point 😔

any advice welcome pls x

There's no even theoretical prosecution of parents. I looked into the legal situation in September when DC (then 16, now 17) dropped out of sixth form college. Past school leaving age, the onus is on the young person to stay in education or training until the age of 18.

In reality, nothing happens to anyone. No framework was put in place at the time the age was changed to 18.

In our case, college and/or local education authority sent DC a text message with multiple options to text back A B C I think the options were on another course, in a job etc. Don't think DC17 even bothered replying. There's been no follow up.

I would guess that this "hard man, don't care" attitude is because he knows he's messed up his GCSEs.
So you'll be looking at retakes. I would make sure you go with him on results day (Thursday August 21st)so you can talk to teachers and they can signpost you to where next if you're not confident about contacting colleges now.
I know they're 6ft and loom over us but they're still partly little kids

This kind of attitude is unacceptable.

How does he see his life going? He lays in bed and games whilst scrounging off people who pay tax?

You should send him to join army training at 16. It will give him direction and discipline and you’ll be able to use his bedroom instead of sleeping on the sofa.

Is there ANY reasonable, employed male role models in his life at all, even on the periphery? An uncle, grandfather, cousin? Even a family friend that could have an open jonest chat about the realities of not finding a job and his options?
Does he have a teacher at school he has a reasonable relationship with that you could make an appointment to see and talk to about the next steps they feel your son could manage?
He needs your help and guidance, this is what parenting is, you can do this, just pick up the phone and talk to someone at the school.

Right, so I think you need a plan of action.

Firstly contact school if they are still open.
Secondly go on https://www.gov.uk/apply-apprenticeship and see if there are any apprenticeships in your area that he fancies.
Thirdly contact your local college, ask if they offer a careers advice service he can talk to.

Look at The King’s Trust, https://www.kingstrust.org.uk
They offer courses and are great with unmotivated teens.

Get him a basic cv written up.

Unplug the internet. Remove the 5g from his phone. Take away the Xbox and cut off any financial support until he comes to you with a plan

Was this written by AI? I’m not trying to be goady, I’m trying to learn how to spot it

You post constantly- get advice and then run away from the post. You need to step up and be a parent. Your parenting sounds completely lax and you have put far too much energy into a dead relationship with yet another dead beat dad. As others have said, move him into a room with his siblings. Turn off the WiFi. Sell his Xbox. Outline your expectations for him - college or work.

you have absolutely checked out of parenting him and you need to check back in. You didn’t know he needed to apply for college, you’re not sure what his mock grades are - this is lax and ineffective parenting. You are on Mumsnet daily, all the time in fact, so get off it and use the internet to understand his options so you can outline them to him. So you can email his school for support. Look on jobs boards for what he realistically can get - you won’t receive any more UC for him so he needs to pull his weight.

i would also contact the council to ask about parenting courses because you are not parenting and you have four more children

@Tweedledumtweedle- wrong in this instance! I’m very much lazy adult human female eating a late-ish lunch, watching the final part of Karen Pirie, and checking who’s being rude about my latest MN posts …

(Never been likened to AI before. Not sure whether to be hurt, or pleased that I have for once been concise!)

Think about this effort to turn it round for him as a long term investment. Otherwise you will find your younger children will see no reason to think or behave differently. Your apathy and lack of motivation to change has already rubbed off on him but you have a chance to seek support and give them alternative opportunities.

As a parent your job is to guide your son to become the best person he can be. Why haven’t you been involved in talking about his ambitions and helping with his college applications? Poor kid. Step up and help him so he’s not sitting in his room wasting his life. See what he wants to do. If sitting in college isn’t his thing help him look for an apprenticeship or look at joining the forces or something

What are his mates planning to do?

I've worked in FE for years. Generally the kids come in to enrolment in packs (some come with parents but not all) and all sign up for the same courses.

Even the students doing Maths and English alongside Vocational courses only do 3 days a week in college.

Tell him this - he'll still get his chill time. You still get child benefit. You can apply for a bursary for his dinners / travel.

Spark his interest - go to the college, get a prospectus and look through it together

He's the first of your kids to hit this bit of life and it's time for you to dig deep, help him to make something of himself and break the cycle you've ended up in

Yup, this 100%, no wonder this country is in such a state. It’s pathetic

Very good advice ^

Why do you keep on making more and more of these threads? Have you actually done anything practical about any of these problems?

You've had the same advice multiple times and don't appear to be acting on any of it.

I can only assume it is either:

Acute stress and panic.When I am stressed I spend too much time on MN.
Trolling.

thanks everyone. i’ve read all the replies a few times now n i really appreciate it cos i feel proper out my depth with this stuff 😩

didn’t know about the child benefit thing bein taken away if he’s not in education 😳 that gave me a bit of a fright tbh. i told ds and he just shrugged like “so what” but i think he clocked it mattered. i don’t even give him proper money now but he’s always askin for stuff like drinks or ps cards so he does need me still even if he acts like he don’t 🙄

he says college’s boring n he just wants “space to chill” after gcses. but like some of u said, what happens when all his mates go in september? he’s not thinkin ahead at all, just wants to stay in bed n game all night. i’m sleepin on the sofa still so i can hear him sometimes at like 3am still shoutin on xbox. it’s doin my head in 😫

i’m tryin not to snap at him cos i don’t wanna push him away more but it’s hard when i’m already run ragged with the others n this baby. i haven’t contacted his teachers yet cos i panicked n felt stupid but i will. i need to. i can’t do this on my own forever. i’ve started writin down some rules like no xbox after midnight n helpin with chores if he wants internet. whether he listens is another story 🙃

anyway thank u again. means a lot to feel heard x

i’m sleepin on the sofa still so i can hear him sometimes at like 3am still shoutin on xbox. it’s doin my head in 😫

You have to stop this. What about your other children? Are they being woken up too?

You need to enforce the rules not just ask him. Take the x box away before going to bed. Schools must be closed now for the summer.

If you can only get child benefit for 2 children surely one of your younger children will then qualify instead but he doesn't need to know that.

You can’t expect him to respect boundaries you don’t enforce. The xbox needs to be removed from his room, wifi off, phone given to you overnight. Likewise any other devices in the house. You were warned about the child benefit implications if him being out of education on the previous thread. Email his hoy now, before school breaks up and you ger distracted by other dc, to ask them how you can access support and guidance, or the college/s admissions team. What did his last school report suggest as their view of his potential and progression route?

Officially he has to be in education training or employment. If he isn’t he is classsed at NEET and can’t access benefits etc. Tell him he has to do something but has until 22nd aug to enrol. Take him to school on 21st to get his results and if he won’t go to college to enrol then ask school careers / mentors for help. Maybe turn off the WiFi 9-5 in September if he won’t stir himself - boredom might work! He can probably enrol until about two weeks into term if spaces allow

Not expecting to get an answer but where is he getting his energy drinks from if he's not going out? Are you buying them for him? If this is even real

Fgs. Don't buy him any energy drinks. Don't givd him any PS cards unless he signs up for, and goes to college. Stop worrying about pushing him away, and actually parent him properly. He's taking the piss and you're letting him. You are not doing him any favours by being so soft on him. If he won't stop gaming into the small hours, take his console away.

You need to contact the school first thing tomorrow. I hope it’s not too late

didn’t know about the child benefit thing bein taken away if he’s not in education 😳 that gave me a bit of a fright tbh.

Several people told you that on your last thread about this.