DD slept with a 25 year old man

[isbypalm]

I don't know how to feel or react, DD is 16, she is 17 next week, going into Y13. She's smart she got all 8/9s in her GCSEs, she doesn't cause any problems at home, her room in always clean, she doesn't talk back, I never have issues with her.
Last week she went to London to stay with her cousin who is at uni down there (19), they went to Taylor Swift and Noah Kahan together, did some museums like the V&A and just had a nice time. She got home yesterday.
I knew instantly something was wrong, she was quiet, went straight to her room. This morning my older daughter who is 18, just left school came to me and told me that while in London she had used a fake ID (no idea when or how she got this) to go out partying and went home with a 25 year old. Apparently DD2 confided in her as they didn't use protection and she was worried. She said he thought she was 19 and it was consensual but she regrets it. She has been seeing a boy up here who is the same age for about 8 months so not only did she sleep with a 25 year old, she cheated!
DD is tall but I don't think she looks over 18 at all!!!

I haven't spoken to her yet as she went out to her friends for the afternoon but I know she will be home soon and I have no idea what to say.
I don't know which night this was so not sure if the morning after pill will be effective (if it will be I will get it) otherwise I will definitely be getting her an STD test.
I'm so shocked and horrified, how do I handle this?

She will be embarrassed and the last thing she will want is being further “humiliated” by her mom.
I would suggest you give her an hug, ask her if she wants to talk, if yes, just listen, don’t judge. Get her to see doctor for STI tests.
If no, then don’t ask too much but let her know she has no option but to see doctor.
Deal with the poor decision another time when she is ready.

Can you get your older DD to get her to the doctor? MAP only works up to 72 hours post sex - is that still within time?
She probably won't want to talk about it to you but if she has a good relationship with her sister that might be helpful.

Give her a hug and go from there.

Agree. Hugs and reassurance is your main priority here. She will be embarrassed and you need to be careful not to compound any feelings of shame.

@isbypalm sort out the morning after pill this afternoon regardless, if you don’t then it may become too late

Give her a hug. Talk through options regarding morning after pill and STI clinic etc. Then call the cousin she was staying with and give them a serious talk about the consequences of letting a 16 year old they were looking after go home with a stranger

Last dates for Taytay were 19th and 20th so no, too late for MAP.
It's not ideal but you start hoping she hasn't got pregnant and tell her you'll support her no matter what if she has. I'm pro-choice on that.
You do need to take her out on her own for a hot chocolate and a chat because unprotected/rawdogging is a big deal and needs discussing.
She shouldn't sleep with her current bf until she knows she's clear as far as STIs go. She needs to decide what she's doing about that relationship too.

I think ask the older daughter to advise re MAP and STI check etc. Otherwise she is breaking her sister's confidence. Albeit with good intentions but I think it could upset their relationship.

Agree with this, although some encouragement to speak to op mightn’t hurt. Poor love, we’ve all done things we regret, particularly as teens. Do try not to judge her too harshly.
I think the idea of gently asking if she needs to talk about anyway (not mentioning older sister at all!) because you have been able to tell she’s ‘off’ is a good one. Open the lines of communication. She may not want to say anything, or she may not want to say anything immediately but she knows you’re there.

You can also get the coil inserted up to 5 days after sex to prevent implantation

Maybe get her sister to talk to her and have her go for MAP and STI test immediately.

She will need to go for HIV and syphilis tests in a few weeks as they won't show up immediately, you might be better having that conversation with her.

It's not the cousin's fault.

Please don’t tell her off. Discuss the MAP, getting an STI test and reinforce the use of condoms. Also, underline how dangerous going off with a stranger could have been.

Then give her a hug.

I think this is good advice.

Thank you everyone. I will ask DD1 to maybe have the chat at first and encourage DD2 to talk to me. I think I'm just shocked, she has always been my "good kid" I never expected this from her. She went down last Saturday and came back yesterday so could be anything from a week to 2 days since it happened.

Taking someone you know to be underage out partying and persumably drinking then letting them go home with a random man is not exactly responsible behaviour.

i would say keep out of it for now... your other DD has told you, so can you urge your DD sorts out STI checks with her and the morning after pill if still within any windows?

advise.. but from a distance until your DD is ready to speak to you!

Agree with this. My sister is 18 months younger than me and as teens she was wild. I couldn't have controlled her if my life depended on it, and hated feeling responsible for her on a night out. She got into some ridiculously dangerous situations, but me trying to stop her would have had no impact whatsoever because I was "boring".
I'd say leave the cousin out of this entirely.

This is obviously not ideal, but nothing that few practical things won't sort.

You can have an emergency coil up to 5 days after predicted ovulation so it could be many days after unprotected sex.

There is a big difference between going into year 12 16 and about to turn 17 going into year 13 16.

I'm glad from your posts that you don't seem to be someone to hit the roof and shame or punish her, from knowing teen girls she is probably doing a good job herself.

Pregnancy is the first concern, but she might have already taken care of that.

Does your older DD mind if you speak to the younger one? As in has she sworn not to tell you? Keeping confidences matter at this age, and it is better for DD2 to have DD1 to trust than no-one.

I had a 25 yr old boyfriend at 18. I would have hated my parents asking anything about it. It's non of their business.

Don't be angry with her, shes made a bad choice and is suffering for it already.

Yes talk to her about a health check, but really she's just done what a hell of a lot of teens do.

I think his age, while shocking, isn’t relevant. It’s not a relationship, it’s a random and a ONS.

The response is the same if it’s a 25 yr old or a 19 yr old.

She needs to protect herself better.

🤷🏽‍♀️ in life we make mistakes. I’ve been there.. it’s really NOT that big of a deal. Stop judging your daughter, honestly. Give her plan B immediately, and maybe have her std tested? This isn’t something you need to drag her through the earth on. Seriously. It’s not.

and with regard to the “cheating” Jesus… let’s hope she lives a little more before fully communizing to a high school bf.

Only read OP. You "handle it" by stepping back, accepting it is her life and her choice and you say to her you are there for her if she needs to talk. And realising that worse happens, she will learn from it, and taking a breath. She is clearly feeling rubbish about it all. I'd come at the angle of protection more than anything else.