DD slept with a 25 year old man

[isbypalm]

I don't know how to feel or react, DD is 16, she is 17 next week, going into Y13. She's smart she got all 8/9s in her GCSEs, she doesn't cause any problems at home, her room in always clean, she doesn't talk back, I never have issues with her.
Last week she went to London to stay with her cousin who is at uni down there (19), they went to Taylor Swift and Noah Kahan together, did some museums like the V&A and just had a nice time. She got home yesterday.
I knew instantly something was wrong, she was quiet, went straight to her room. This morning my older daughter who is 18, just left school came to me and told me that while in London she had used a fake ID (no idea when or how she got this) to go out partying and went home with a 25 year old. Apparently DD2 confided in her as they didn't use protection and she was worried. She said he thought she was 19 and it was consensual but she regrets it. She has been seeing a boy up here who is the same age for about 8 months so not only did she sleep with a 25 year old, she cheated!
DD is tall but I don't think she looks over 18 at all!!!

I haven't spoken to her yet as she went out to her friends for the afternoon but I know she will be home soon and I have no idea what to say.
I don't know which night this was so not sure if the morning after pill will be effective (if it will be I will get it) otherwise I will definitely be getting her an STD test.
I'm so shocked and horrified, how do I handle this?

My guess is her discomfort is that a) she cheated on her boyfriend (it'd be a massive deal for me now, let alone when I was 16) and b) did something extremely silly, especially not using protection. That's quite enough to feel stupid about, but doesn't make her a "bad kid", "obviously groomed" or "obviously raped". I'd just ask her if she's okay, as she seems a bit down and not herself, and that I'm here with a listening ear if it's anything she'd like to talk about.

Just a reminder too that OP's daughter has already told a family member in confidence that "as they didn't use protection, she was worried. She thought he was 19, it was consensual, she now regrets it." It doesn't have to be more than that to be worried about, especially if you're someone who's usually "the sensible, responsible one".

Yes butvthat doesn't mean rape does it
A regrettable one night stand doesn't equal rape .

It’s creepy for someone 9 years older to sleep with a teenager. She absolutely will not seem like a grown up woman as a 16 year old and any 25 year old would be able to tell.
While I agree it is creepy for someone who is 9 years older to sleep with a teen I disagree that she will not seem like a grown up. I know plenty of teens through my work, where I've been shocked that they were 1415/16 when I've met them. With make up and self confidence some can easy appear to be pushing 20.

My advice is for mum to keep out if it for now as she is 'shocked and horrified' and that isnt a good place to start a convo. Also it breaks the sisters confidence.
There wont be many on here that haven't done something they regret. Hopefully the dd will learn and move on from this expierence.
I hope OP stops with the 'she's a good kid' buisness. People do daft shit, she's human for goodness sake.

I had a few one night stands in my single years and some unprotected, because sometimes being drunk and being caught up in the moment people do undesirable things
If she's worried she might of caught an STI or be pregnant than that's likely to ve upsetting .

I know you are shocked OP, cos she’s your baby, but a one night stand doesn’t make her a bad kid. It’s a normal thing to do, and as she is young it is not all that surprising she didn’t get her shit together for protection.

She didn’t cheat in the adult sense of the word either - she got swept along in the moment, having never been in this situation before. At 16, that really is a good excuse.

Great idea to get your older daughter to talk to her and have her take the morning after pill, or if too late a pregnancy test + abortion pill (chances are not needed) and STD test (chances are she’ll be fine.)

She may or may not want to talk to you about it, don’t take it personally if not, and it’s probably best to give it a wee while anyway just so you can absorb it and rearrange your expression.

Be supportive and don’t make a big deal out of it. It’s a learning experience.

Don’t turn it into a her being taken advantage of situation either, if that wasn’t the case - you don’t want her to have to feel like a victim if she wasn’t one. A tall 16 year old could easily pass for 19 in a club so if that’s what she said, the chances are that’s what he believed.

All will be well.

Exactly this.
I'm 60 but went out drinking in pubs and went to clubs from the age of 16 ie after O levels, I was a "nice" well educated girl, it was normal. We certainly got chatted up by older men who didn't ask how old we were and presumably assumed we were older because we were in those places. I didn't have one night stands at that age but I know when my daughter was the same age and going clubbing with fake ID she and her friends did, in fact years later she ended up marrying a man she'd met in a club when she was 17 and he was 26.
Nowadays, certainly on Mumsnet, no idea about real life, it seems no teenage girl should have anything to do with anyone more than a year or two older, but that's a very recent attitude.

something Is wrong due to her having cheated or the risk of pregnancy.

not saying it was not rape but there is absolutely nothing to suggest it was. Obviously rape does happen a lot but most men are not rapists and just because a girl regrets it does not mean it is rape and it is dangerous to suggest so. False rape claims can be very damaging and we need to accept that girls can mess up.

She was in an over 18 club so there was no reason for him to think she was underage, plus it was a one night stand they were not getting to know each other on a deeper level

What is cheating in the ‘adult’ sense of the word if it isn’t having sex with someone else?

She is very young. Its not a big deal.

Most 16 year olds aren't particularly good liars
Really? My experience tells me something different.
No, the OP knew there was soomething wrong immediately. That is a massive red flag
Yeah that the daughter lied about her age, faked her ID and shagged a bloke behind her boyfriends back. There's mum's red flags about her Dd.

Someone being not themselves because they're worried about something they've already told their sister they're worried about is NOT a "massive red flag" for something else or something bigger. She's scared she's pregnant - that is a massive worry at that age. She's cheated on her boyfriend, that's a massive worry. She said she wishes she hadn't done it. Regretting something you've done, depending on your personality, is usually a massive worry. She's allowed to not be herself while she processes it, it's just the next day ffs.

The hysteria on this thread is something else, she’s quite cos she had an unprotected ONS as is panicking, and probably feeling bad about her BF.

It does not mean she was raped. IF she was it will likely come out in her convos with her older sister, who will be more successful getting info out of her than her quite uptight mum (no offence OP).

But she probably wasn’t so I think the hand wringers can calm down. Teens have had random sex since the dawn of time.

"Most 16 year olds aren't particularly good liars"

Allow me to introduce you to my 16 year old self .... 🤣🤣

Of course 16 year olds can lie and bullshit etc. Hence she was in an over 18s venue in the first place!

@theduchessofspork
She didn’t cheat in the adult sense of the word either
Don't talk nonsense. She has a boyfriend thats she been seeing for months but she has sex with someone else. She needs to tell boyfriend so he can make up his mind whether he wants to continue the relationship with her. It is wrong for him to be denied that information.

make sure if she had no sex her real boyfriend since. can get messy

It’s cheating when you are an adult

She 16, she is not an adult, she got swept along in an unfamiliar situation, in which we know she did not have her shit together because she failed to use protection.

Chances are it was her first time in a grown up club, first time drinking that much, first time flirting with guys well into their 20s.

She lost control of the situation. She cannot be held to grown up standards.

I haven’t said that it does.

i have said for me that there are red flags and the OP needs to talk to her daughter.

i really am not seeing what is controversial in that.

Some very odd reactions on here.

No one has said she’s been raped. I have only said her mum needs to talk to her as there are red flags.

I think everyone makes mistakes. She will learn from it. You can book sexual health appointments online for your area. If she hasn’t come to you maybe ask eldest dd to encourage her to. If too late for emergency contraception maybe go coil route.

This totally.

See above.

Yes of course that doesn’t absolve her from coming clean with her boyfriend. That would be the right thing to do.

But her first priority is to check she isn’t pregnant, after that she can talk to him - although whether she chooses to is ultimately up to her, but you or her mum - and her mum cannot at this point tell her to do it, because she doesn’t officially know.

You are not her. Why are you so sure in yourself here?

You disagree the mum needs to talk to her?

Please be nice to her

Only in your mind.