DD slept with a 25 year old man

[isbypalm]

I don't know how to feel or react, DD is 16, she is 17 next week, going into Y13. She's smart she got all 8/9s in her GCSEs, she doesn't cause any problems at home, her room in always clean, she doesn't talk back, I never have issues with her.
Last week she went to London to stay with her cousin who is at uni down there (19), they went to Taylor Swift and Noah Kahan together, did some museums like the V&A and just had a nice time. She got home yesterday.
I knew instantly something was wrong, she was quiet, went straight to her room. This morning my older daughter who is 18, just left school came to me and told me that while in London she had used a fake ID (no idea when or how she got this) to go out partying and went home with a 25 year old. Apparently DD2 confided in her as they didn't use protection and she was worried. She said he thought she was 19 and it was consensual but she regrets it. She has been seeing a boy up here who is the same age for about 8 months so not only did she sleep with a 25 year old, she cheated!
DD is tall but I don't think she looks over 18 at all!!!

I haven't spoken to her yet as she went out to her friends for the afternoon but I know she will be home soon and I have no idea what to say.
I don't know which night this was so not sure if the morning after pill will be effective (if it will be I will get it) otherwise I will definitely be getting her an STD test.
I'm so shocked and horrified, how do I handle this?

What she did doesn’t make her a “bad kid” ffs 🤦🏾‍♀️

FFS she's not a bad kid suddenly because she's had sex. That's the implication by you banging on about her being good and no trouble etc.

This thread isn’t about an 18 year old having a 25 year old boyfriend. It is about a 16 year old having unprotected sex with a 25 year old stranger.

Please don't think this makes her a "bad kid". Being labelled the "good one" can be hard work and if you're thinking this, even to yourself, it suggests you may be thinking of your other DD as "bad".

I think you will manage to keep your shock to yourself and be supportive. A lot of us made bad decisions as teenagers but luckily most of us survived unscathed.

I agree with what you have decided to do and how to approach it.

No doubt in my mind that it was a young man influenced by porn and the culture that it brings of not using condoms.

one of the morning after pills works 5 days after but obv chances are lower x

I understand your concern for her as a parent but this is abit OTT. You'd be surprised what seemingly 'good kids' get up to when their parents and teachers aren't looking.
I think given you can sense she's more withdrawn than usual go at it from that angle rather than launching an inquest based on what your elder daughter told you.

I think maybe you sould speak to her rather than your other daughter again, she probably wants to buy doesnt know how to go about it because she knows that she's the sensible one and she doesn't want you to be disappointed, but it's probably in the long run going to be something that cements your relationship in future she knows she can talk to you about anything and you will do what you can to support her unconditionally! Is she on any contraception, is she worried about STIs or STIs and pregnancy. Because both things will be ok she can get the morning after pill if necessary if absolutely necessary she can have the pill for an abortion, which is obviously massively jumping to conclusions, but is available. She can have sti tests and again if necessary antibiotics.
She said she regretted it, and that's understandable but I think you need to be there for her to explain that things happen we all make mistakes and have regrets but that is life and part of the journey and it is what it is now there isn't changing it but that's ok. I don't think you need to put on her that she has cheated, because I don't think she has at all. She's a young woman growing and exploring the world, you need to be more like a friend and mum in this situation, because as she gets more older that's what you will become a mum and a best friend. :)

They both should have known better.

My dd is going into year 12, just turned 16, ergo a year younger than yours. I think a guy would believe my dd if she said she was 18 or 19 and pretended she had just finished college or some such, especially if they were drinking and having fun rather than having serious chats.

I agree with others saying to give her a big hug and getting a sti check and the MAP / coil. She doesn’t have the life experience of us adults. Poor love. I was seeing a man, who I found out was living with a woman when I was 16 and he got her pregnant at much the same time. Far more usual in those days. It would make my toes curl if my dd were to do that so I can understand how you feel.

Fingers crossed she will talk to you.

Pregnancy test at this point? (no idea of timelines, but if it’s been a week…) G.P for the pill and condoms.

She’s probably feeling regretful at this point, guilt, shame, scared, worried. Just be there for her, don’t shout. You must be scared stiff, I would be.

It was a bad decision, she will learn from
it I’m sure.

I wouldn't describe this as "cheating." She was groomed by a much older man. There may well have been alcohol involved which she presumably has very little experience of. It's unfortunate that this isn't illegal.

The MAP and the STD test are two separate issues and she needs both. The MAP is less effective the longer you take it after unprotected sex, so she may also need a pregnancy test in a few weeks time.

Just because she had sex doesn't mean she’s ‘bad’ now … Its just Sex

Get your older daughter to ask when it was and see if she can still have the MAP

The risk of pregnancy and STI’s would be my concern here

She shouldn't be doing anything at all with her boyfriend until after all the tests come back and that will be atleast 4 weeks or even longer

She wasn't groomed! She was pretending to be older than she was in a space that she shouldn't really have been. The bloke can't be blamed for thinking she was older. And I don't judge at all. I've done it, my DD has done it.

That's a terrible attitude. She's the same kid she was.

She's 16 and made a daft decision, that's all.

Please don't make it into something it's not.

Grooming? No it wasnt
She was on a night out in a club for over 18’s

(Even if she was 15, i doubt anything would happen because she was in a club, had fake i.d and it would be super hard to ‘prove’ the guy knew she was underage)

The man only done one thing wrong - Didnt use a condom

I don't believe for a minute that a 25 year old man didn't know she was significantly younger than him. Maybe at first glance she could have passed for 18, but even that is really pushing the levels of decency for a 25 year old.

I don't know if I would say anything. I would probably be asking other DD to encourage her to come to me and to get STI amd pregnancy test.

The cousin is probably 19 …max 20 …..she not her keeper….I don’t expect she is responsible ……not should she be expected to be

She said he thought she was 19 and it was consensual but she regrets it.
I don't think it matters that he is 25 or 19.
It's the morning after regret and lack of protection that's the problem. She is guilty of being naive, that's all.
When the dust settles maybe suggest she keeps some condoms in her bag.

First the morning after pill only works by stopping ovulation so if she was ovulation or has ovulated since it's of no use , can you ask her when her last period was to figure that out ?

Second just be gentle with her make sure she is ok no anger as you don't know what actually happened between them something she wasn't comfortable doing but did might of happened she could very well be a victim here even though she went home with him doesn't mean she was comfortable with it. Lots of love and cuddles if she will let you and yes definitely an STD screening x

18 and 25 is fine

She still is a good kid. We were all young once and I don't know about you, but I'm still making mistakes. Different kinds, but mistakes all the same.

You need to get older DD to find out timescale pronto - MAP still doable if it's been two-five days. Yes, the nausea is a bit rough but better than a coil.
It's a bank holiday. You need to get on this now. Don't wait. You need to find your nearest out-of-hours chemist.

• Progestin-only option: Within the first 72 hours (three days)
• Ulipristal and combined options: Up to 120 hours (five days)