DD slept with a 25 year old man

[isbypalm]

I don't know how to feel or react, DD is 16, she is 17 next week, going into Y13. She's smart she got all 8/9s in her GCSEs, she doesn't cause any problems at home, her room in always clean, she doesn't talk back, I never have issues with her.
Last week she went to London to stay with her cousin who is at uni down there (19), they went to Taylor Swift and Noah Kahan together, did some museums like the V&A and just had a nice time. She got home yesterday.
I knew instantly something was wrong, she was quiet, went straight to her room. This morning my older daughter who is 18, just left school came to me and told me that while in London she had used a fake ID (no idea when or how she got this) to go out partying and went home with a 25 year old. Apparently DD2 confided in her as they didn't use protection and she was worried. She said he thought she was 19 and it was consensual but she regrets it. She has been seeing a boy up here who is the same age for about 8 months so not only did she sleep with a 25 year old, she cheated!
DD is tall but I don't think she looks over 18 at all!!!

I haven't spoken to her yet as she went out to her friends for the afternoon but I know she will be home soon and I have no idea what to say.
I don't know which night this was so not sure if the morning after pill will be effective (if it will be I will get it) otherwise I will definitely be getting her an STD test.
I'm so shocked and horrified, how do I handle this?

Well, we all mess up, especially at that age. It's honestly not that shocking or that bad, she just made a stupid mistake, as teens do.

Just let her know you love her and are there for her.

There's nothing wrong with an 18 year old being with a 25 year old.

Well I think we just have different standards of behaviour we expect from older teens and thats fine cos we can't all be the same. If my teens were looking after a younger family member and allowed them to engage in such risky behaviour under their watch I would be very disappointed in them. Its one thing not stopping someone doing something but enabling them to do it is a different matter. I think OP and her DD are lucky that a possible pregnancy and/or STI is the only possible consequence.

She wasn't groomed. She went out, got drunk and made a stupid decision, or a succession of stupid decisions. It happens. She's a teenager. She just made a foolish choice. There is no suggestion she was groomed or coerced; it was a ons.

I don't think I would want to put this on your older daughter to help the younger one sort out. There's only a year between them, she's only just left school herself and her younger sister is now probably more 'experienced' than her in this field (ie one night stands with older strangers). She probably felt out of her depth and freaked out to have told you in the first place as close siblings would rarely betray confidences to a parent unless they needed help dealing with them.

I'd try and get her to open up without letting on that your older daughter told you. I'd go with the idea of saying that she seems unlike herself/anxious/unhappy and is there anything wrong, how was her trip etc. If that doesn't work, I'd ask the older daughter if you can tell the younger daughter you know and want to help her.

Definitely agree there's no point getting cross and that it's not 'bad' behaviour as such. But she has put herself at significant risk by going home with an older man she didn't know and having unprotected sex and she needs help understanding how to keep herself safe in future. She has also treated her boyfriend badly (I don't agree that it's not cheating - she knew what she was doing even though she now regrets it) but I would leave it up to her how she chooses to deal with that and only advise if asked. Your responsiblity is your daughter's health and future safety.

I did some silly things at not much older than that. The idea of being taken out for hot chocolate and a cosy chat about it with my mother would have sent me searching for the nearest building to jump off.

Unless she has confided in you, this is not for you to get involved in. You could encourage her sister to have the STI conversation and MAP. I highly doubt she needs anyone telling her what to do about her current boyfriend. She’s a teenager and they don’t always behave well in young relationships. It’s not like they’re married with three kids.

It’s a learning experience. This is how we grow. She’s not a bad gjrl because it and I highly doubt she’s going off the rails. She experimented with alcohol and has now seen, first-hand, that it can lead to poor decision-making.

I would find out when her last period was. If she's already ovulated (middle of cycle) the MAP won't do anything. The coil is the best chance of preventing a pregnancy here if done within a short time window (up to 5 days..but an STI check will be needed). Hopefully she'll be fine if sex not close to ovulation. Chances will be even less if he didn't ejaculate.

Obviously, don't embarrass her, but important to try and find out this info and go from there.

I don't think for a minute she was groomed and by classing situations like this as grooming does those that were actually groomed a great disservice.

Legally no, but morally it's pretty strange. When I was 25 an 18 year old seemed gross to me. They were too young.

I had a daughter, a degree, and had started my career by then.

I’d speak to her but let her know it’s ok and you’ll help her.

She is a good kid, but made a mistake by not using a condom. Don’t make it worse …

Just be there to support her and answer any difficult questions. Take her the sexual health clinic near you. They are excellent and non judgmental.

Also - hopefully a medic will come on to advise - but I'd consider PEP if it's possible. That has to be within 3 days (72 hours) of possible HIV exposure.
That's an A+E trip.
PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis for HIV) | Terrence Higgins Trust (tht.org.uk)
You might have to advocate for her though as it's expensive and she may well not be deemed high-risk (it's really not meant to be a morning-after pill for HIV rather an emergency one).

Good luck

Ew, absolutely not.

@Klippityklopp yes, absolutely. Thank you for saying this.

There’s a lot of sensible advice here already…but if it’s at all reassuring, I lost my virginity at 17 to a 24 year old - he knew my age! It was similar for lots of my friends - we were attracted to slightly older guys and I think it felt a bit more normalised 30 years ago.

From a parental perspective now (I now have teenagers myself) I would prefer they were involved with people their own age, but - based on my own experience - I don’t think this is something huge to worry about. For me, it wasn’t a sign of going off the rails and I certainly wasn’t groomed!

Don’t make a big deal. She’s not in any danger. Just support her, no intervention is needed other than that - it’s not like it’s an ongoing relationship.

Whereas when I was 25, babies were the last thing on my mind. Very few of my friends were in serious relationships and even fewer of them had children. We were still very much in the nights out, drinking, carefree stage of our lives.

Women also mature faster than men, so it's more usual for us to go older, whereas men go younger.

I did some silly things at not much older than that. The idea of being taken out for hot chocolate and a cosy chat about it with my mother would have sent me searching for the nearest building to jump off

Quite so. She won't do it again
But - play silly games, win stupid prizes
She's worried. She's not herself.
And if she was mine, I'd be sorting it now because she is only 16.
Better to have the cringe convo then tablets than an abortion or antiretrovirals for the rest of her life.

Well, you can feel what you want, but legally there's nothing wrong with it, and she lied about her age and made him believe she was 19.

He hasn't done anything wrong by having sex with someone he met in a nightclub that was only for over 18's.

She’s not in any danger
She bloody well is if she's knocked up or he's riddled.
MAP, PEP, STI clinic.
That's not judgement. It's common sense.
The chances are comparatively low but it only takes the once ffs.

There was a saying back when I was a teenager in the 60s, "only the good girls get caught." The general view was that the wild girls were savvy enough to take precautions. Maybe that is the thing with your good girl doing this, it wasn't something she planned or even thought possible and then she got caught up in the moment. She is still the same good kid she always was.

I hope she's OK, she's a lucky girl she can talk to her big sister and be supported.

Ffs your nearly-17-year-old had a sneaky drink and hooked up with guy. She hasn't suddenly become a problem child and ruined her good reputation. Just calm down. If she wants to talk to you about it she will. Clearly she feels close to her sister, so guide her sister on this. Get her sister to encourage her to talk about it with you and when/if she does, don't make a drama out of it.

I think the fake id DD1 has told you about was probably DD1’s id.

I meant not in immediate danger, like being groomed or at risk of being trafficked. Are you dense?

She’ done what lots of teens do, which would be simply a learning experience if there wasn’t a decent possibility of pregnancy. There is no point in telling her off, but if it’s not too late, you need to deal with that possibility without pussy footing around.No judgement - just practicality.

This comes across as pearl-clutching at its finest.

"...she could have passed for 18, but even that is really pushing the levels of decency for a 25 year old."

Really? When I was that age, I had a 24 year old boyfriend for the best part of a year. I had a great time.