DD slept with a 25 year old man

[isbypalm]

I don't know how to feel or react, DD is 16, she is 17 next week, going into Y13. She's smart she got all 8/9s in her GCSEs, she doesn't cause any problems at home, her room in always clean, she doesn't talk back, I never have issues with her.
Last week she went to London to stay with her cousin who is at uni down there (19), they went to Taylor Swift and Noah Kahan together, did some museums like the V&A and just had a nice time. She got home yesterday.
I knew instantly something was wrong, she was quiet, went straight to her room. This morning my older daughter who is 18, just left school came to me and told me that while in London she had used a fake ID (no idea when or how she got this) to go out partying and went home with a 25 year old. Apparently DD2 confided in her as they didn't use protection and she was worried. She said he thought she was 19 and it was consensual but she regrets it. She has been seeing a boy up here who is the same age for about 8 months so not only did she sleep with a 25 year old, she cheated!
DD is tall but I don't think she looks over 18 at all!!!

I haven't spoken to her yet as she went out to her friends for the afternoon but I know she will be home soon and I have no idea what to say.
I don't know which night this was so not sure if the morning after pill will be effective (if it will be I will get it) otherwise I will definitely be getting her an STD test.
I'm so shocked and horrified, how do I handle this?

Groomed?

Jesus wept.

Op could have sensed something was wrong for any number of reasons - DD could have had a hangover, or was quiet because she knew she had messed up and was cross with herself. As I said up thread, there is nothing in the op's post to suggest her DD was groomed. She messed up. It happens. Why make her daughter a victim in this, while minimising the experiences of survivors of grooming and abuse? She made a teenage mistake FFS (based on the info available).

Why should the bloke feel shame? She told him she was 19 which, given she was somewhere she had to be 18+ for, seems reasonable he believed her.

Really? 😂🫨

She can be your “good kid” and still do normal teenage stuff / errors of judgement!!

This feels like it’s about your view of her and how she’s “fallen” from an unhealthy pedestal in your eyes within the family.

Im sure you’re well-meaning, but your DD will be fully aware of the weight of expectations you place on her shoulders to be the “good kid” and it will be like a mill-stone round her neck, and could result in an awful lot of internalised shame when she does normal teen exploring / rebellion.

I know as much as you there is no evidence of rape from whst the Op has written only in your over active imagination which helps no one .

Agreed or there is more to it. None of us know the truth. The OP needs to talk to her daughter - do you disagree with that?

it’s odd behaviour from her daughter that is concerning.

She’s 16. It’s creepy for someone 9 years older to sleep with a teenager. She absolutely will not seem like a grown up woman as a 16 year old and any 25 year old would be able to tell. It is gross.

No, the OP knew there was soomething wrong immediately. That is a massive red flag.

Most 16 year olds aren't particularly good liars - if she's worried about being pregnant or having an STD, that's going to show in her body language.

So I'm not allowed to call someone a muppet but they can minimise the experiences of all victims of sexual grooming? Typical MN priorities.

Yes possibly, but it’s a red flag.

And rape is not that unusual.

Like using a fake ID and cheating on her poor boyfriend...

It could be a red flag, sure, but I'm not sure it's fair to assume something awful has happened solely based on the OP.

I know when I did stupid things at 16 my mum could see straight through my bullshit, haha.

eye roll

Possibly.

i have no idea how pointing out she may have been raped is ‘minimising grooming’

Oh come on. How would he know she was only 16? She apparently thought he was 19, so his age not that obvious to her either. It's not "creepy" if he didn't know or guess her age and you absolutely don't have the first clue whether he knew it or not. I was a young-looking 16 (was still getting asked for ID in my late 20s ffs), but not everyone is. I know lads who still looked absurdly young in their early 20s.

I have assumed nothing - I have said it is a possibility because it is.

The OP needs to talk to her daughter.

@Teateaandmoretea of course she should talk to her daughter, or rather make it clear that DD can always talk to her mum, without judgment.

Sometimes women and girls just mess up. It doesn't necessarily signal abuse etc.

There's nothing in the OP that implies anything other than a 16 year old got drunk and did something silly.

On the face of it, it's the 16 year old who has messed up, not the 25 year old who was (according to OP) lied to from the get go.

It’s the knowing something was wrong plus the unprotected aspect.

Red flags.

The OP needs to talk to her daughter. I don’t understand why that is controversial.

I never said it was controversial

Agree, but the OP needs to talk to her. Her OP concerns me. I sincerely hope that my instincts that it isn’t right are wrong.

She used a fake ID and lied to him about her age. Did you not read the OP?

I’m not disagreeing that 16 and 25 isn’t gross, it absolutely is. But this isn’t the guys fault.

I think it is concerning for me because of the experience I had with that lovely, usually sensible girl.