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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD slept with a 25 year old man

282 replies

isbypalm · 25/08/2024 16:37

I don't know how to feel or react, DD is 16, she is 17 next week, going into Y13. She's smart she got all 8/9s in her GCSEs, she doesn't cause any problems at home, her room in always clean, she doesn't talk back, I never have issues with her.
Last week she went to London to stay with her cousin who is at uni down there (19), they went to Taylor Swift and Noah Kahan together, did some museums like the V&A and just had a nice time. She got home yesterday.
I knew instantly something was wrong, she was quiet, went straight to her room. This morning my older daughter who is 18, just left school came to me and told me that while in London she had used a fake ID (no idea when or how she got this) to go out partying and went home with a 25 year old. Apparently DD2 confided in her as they didn't use protection and she was worried. She said he thought she was 19 and it was consensual but she regrets it. She has been seeing a boy up here who is the same age for about 8 months so not only did she sleep with a 25 year old, she cheated!
DD is tall but I don't think she looks over 18 at all!!!

I haven't spoken to her yet as she went out to her friends for the afternoon but I know she will be home soon and I have no idea what to say.
I don't know which night this was so not sure if the morning after pill will be effective (if it will be I will get it) otherwise I will definitely be getting her an STD test.
I'm so shocked and horrified, how do I handle this?

OP posts:
notacooldad · 26/08/2024 16:06

What she did doesn’t make her a “bad kid” ffs

Faking ID, going to Clubs underage, shagging 25 year old, cheating on your boyfriend and pretending you're 19 isn't being good.
( I did most of that, I wasn't good either)

x2boys · 26/08/2024 16:24

ilovepuppies2019 · 26/08/2024 15:07

I'm quite shocked at these reactions. She's 16 years old and she left a club with a 25 year old man that she didn't know, in a city that she didn't know to go back to his house heaven knows where. She's incredibly lucky that this didn't end up in a horrible outcome. Did her cousin have a clue where she was - as in Find My Friends or something enabled? If not then no one knew where she was or who she was with. She was also drunk so didn't have her wits about her to react if there had been a bad situation. She made herself so incredibly vulnerable. The sex here is not the 'shocking' part of this. It's the lack of recognition of just how dangerous this situation was. This easily could have ended in rape or serious harm. This completely different than a 16 year old having a few drinks at a friends party and sleeping with a boy from school. That scenario is quite a common teen 'mistake' or experience. This is really not. I would be very worried about the scale of danger that she put herself into by going home with this man. I would be emphasising the danger because this is not a situation that she wants to put herself into again.

I dont.think anyone would disagree it's risky behaviour ,but it's,also not that uncommon I unfortunately also put myself in very risky position, s in my single days, admittedly not as young as the Ops daughter ,I hope she's learned from this and the worst that has happened is that waa a regrettable experience.

x2boys · 26/08/2024 16:26

notacooldad · 26/08/2024 16:06

What she did doesn’t make her a “bad kid” ffs

Faking ID, going to Clubs underage, shagging 25 year old, cheating on your boyfriend and pretending you're 19 isn't being good.
( I did most of that, I wasn't good either)

The actions are not good ,but it doesn't define her ,and most of us have made mistakes at that age.

Caaarrrl · 26/08/2024 17:39

Did your DD go today for MAP?

orangeblosssom · 27/08/2024 09:44

Chlamydia and Gonorrhoea tests need to be done 2 weeks after UPSI.
There is a type of emergency contraception called Ella one that can be used up to 5 days after UPSI.

BubblegumLolly · 27/08/2024 09:58

isbypalm · 25/08/2024 17:01

Thank you everyone. I will ask DD1 to maybe have the chat at first and encourage DD2 to talk to me. I think I'm just shocked, she has always been my "good kid" I never expected this from her. She went down last Saturday and came back yesterday so could be anything from a week to 2 days since it happened.

This is what happens when you label your child the 'good kid'. You are the one who is 'disappointed' and 'shocked' about a decision she made that ended up just being a mistake that loads of people have made.

I was labelled the 'good kid', and dread making a mistake like this even now as as adult for how my family may view it and treat me. It really affects you because you feel you can't live your life how you want or make mistakes to learn from because you're constantly thinking 'what will X think?' even though they're not perfect, you're expected to ALWAYS be 'good'.

What happened doesn't make your DD bad, but stop labelling her a 'good kid'.

MustWeDoThis · 13/01/2025 19:03

isbypalm · 25/08/2024 16:37

I don't know how to feel or react, DD is 16, she is 17 next week, going into Y13. She's smart she got all 8/9s in her GCSEs, she doesn't cause any problems at home, her room in always clean, she doesn't talk back, I never have issues with her.
Last week she went to London to stay with her cousin who is at uni down there (19), they went to Taylor Swift and Noah Kahan together, did some museums like the V&A and just had a nice time. She got home yesterday.
I knew instantly something was wrong, she was quiet, went straight to her room. This morning my older daughter who is 18, just left school came to me and told me that while in London she had used a fake ID (no idea when or how she got this) to go out partying and went home with a 25 year old. Apparently DD2 confided in her as they didn't use protection and she was worried. She said he thought she was 19 and it was consensual but she regrets it. She has been seeing a boy up here who is the same age for about 8 months so not only did she sleep with a 25 year old, she cheated!
DD is tall but I don't think she looks over 18 at all!!!

I haven't spoken to her yet as she went out to her friends for the afternoon but I know she will be home soon and I have no idea what to say.
I don't know which night this was so not sure if the morning after pill will be effective (if it will be I will get it) otherwise I will definitely be getting her an STD test.
I'm so shocked and horrified, how do I handle this?

You show empathy and kindness. You tell her making mistakes is a part of life, how we learn, and while lying about her age could be seen as a criminal act (She's over 16 - Grey area); you will support her. Be the Mum she feels comfortable enough to approach and can talk to. Mine was not, so I never told her anything and I struggled in silence.

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