Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Shit shit shit… what do I do?

210 replies

lucasnorth · 12/07/2024 20:54

DD recently turned 15.
Her boyfriend is over to watch TV. Had dinner with us all.
After dinner I went upstairs to put younger one to bed and left them watching tv. With the door open.
I come back down and find her straddling him rocking up and down 🤯. With their clothes on. But still I was 😳
What do I say to her?! How is she not embarrassed?!
Do I need to get her on the pill? Or will that just encourage her? She’s so young 😞

OP posts:
Cascade39 · 14/07/2024 16:52

IamMoodyBlue · 14/07/2024 14:39

Having sex aged under 15 is statutory rape.

Only if the boy is over 16. If they are both under 16 and consenting it is not statutory rape and the police will not take action on it.

Cascade39 · 14/07/2024 16:56

VerySadCase · 14/07/2024 16:47

16 is still a child in the eyes of the law.

And a GP would prescribe contraceptives to a 15yo without parental consent if the 15yo was deemed to be competent. Do you think the GP should be legally obliged to inform the parents?

Personally, I'd rather know that teenage girls have the ability to protect themselves if needed.

It's actually above the age of 13 of the child is deemed competent and having the ability to make informed decisions that they can seek medical intervention, including having an abortion without the parents having to be informed.

It's called Gillick Competency for those who doubt it, look it up.

BenchyMcBenchFace · 14/07/2024 17:32

VerySadCase · 14/07/2024 16:47

16 is still a child in the eyes of the law.

And a GP would prescribe contraceptives to a 15yo without parental consent if the 15yo was deemed to be competent. Do you think the GP should be legally obliged to inform the parents?

Personally, I'd rather know that teenage girls have the ability to protect themselves if needed.

You are completely (wilfully?) misunderstanding what I’m trying to say. But nae bother. 💐

VerySadCase · 14/07/2024 17:41

BenchyMcBenchFace · 14/07/2024 17:32

You are completely (wilfully?) misunderstanding what I’m trying to say. But nae bother. 💐

I'm really not wilfully misunderstanding anything.

My understanding is that you think a child's father has the right to know if his daughter is put on the pill. You said "No parent should be left in the dark about something so fundamental, or about such a big life milestone."

Please feel free to clarify if that isn't what you meant.

If that is what you're saying, then I disagree.

BenchyMcBenchFace · 14/07/2024 17:44

VerySadCase · 14/07/2024 17:41

I'm really not wilfully misunderstanding anything.

My understanding is that you think a child's father has the right to know if his daughter is put on the pill. You said "No parent should be left in the dark about something so fundamental, or about such a big life milestone."

Please feel free to clarify if that isn't what you meant.

If that is what you're saying, then I disagree.

The father knowing his daughter is having sex and on the pill (after both those things have already happened) is not restricting her “ability to protect herself if needed”

Yours was unnecessary hyperbole, and unconnected to my point about joint, equal, respectful parenting/marriage.

VerySadCase · 14/07/2024 17:56

BenchyMcBenchFace · 14/07/2024 17:44

The father knowing his daughter is having sex and on the pill (after both those things have already happened) is not restricting her “ability to protect herself if needed”

Yours was unnecessary hyperbole, and unconnected to my point about joint, equal, respectful parenting/marriage.

Well, the father needing to know might well get in the way of the daughter protecting herself...lots of girls wouldn't be comfortable with their dads knowing all about their sex lives.

I'm all in favour of joint, equal, respectful parenting/marriage, but at what point does the child's right to privacy kick in?

To my mind, if a child can get a prescription from a doctor without either parent being informed, and the child then chooses to share that information with one of their parents but not the other, then parent that has been told doesn't have the right to breach the child's privacy by telling their partner/spouse against the child's will. We will have to agree to differ on that point.

Justworkingitout · 15/07/2024 08:45

You may not want to hear this but I would strongly advise that you take her to the GP or your local STI clinic and put her on the pill. She is old enough to do this herself (without you) if she wants too. Please don’t take any chances. In my part of the country this age group sadly avoid condoms (I was told this by our local STI clinic when i had to take my 15 year old there as she had had unprotected sex). You’d be amazed how/where they end up having sex. It’s an awkward conversation for you and your daughter to have but it has to happen. Good luck!

DysonSphere · 15/07/2024 09:15

ALovelyCupOfNameChange · 13/07/2024 19:40

The mistake was in permitting your DD to have a boyfriend while she's still in school

not allowing it always stops them doesn’t it. 😏

Not with permissive parents who are more keen to not be in opposition to their children in any capacity obvs.

It certainly did with my parents. No way in hell I'd have even mentioned the word boyfriend in any serious capacity at 15 let alone bring one to the house. I'm not grateful for much, but certainly grateful for that.

Yeah I know in the super progressive philosophy today, it's seen as guided facilitation is better than prevention, but that's from a place of parental disempowerment frankly.

If anyone can put forth the case for how beneficial it is for a girl to be facilitated in having underage sex at 15 with a jobless, emotionally incapable, underage schoolboy, whose still living in his parents home, pays no bills, is incapable of providing for any children (or paying for a private abortion if necessary) and has no respect for his daughters parents and their house at all, or any self control (the OPs daughter admitted she didn't intend to do that) and whose likely to be boosting about his sexual prowess/methodology to his mates, please tell me. In fact why should a boy in such a position expect sex at all?

I'd personally be having a frank conversation and telling my daughter that with her youth and beauty in a couple years she could do a hell of a lot better if she's feeling hot and wants to have sex. I would tell my daughter about her sexual power. She would not be wasting herself on schoolboys who can barely afford McDonald's let alone unexpected children. And her first time should be special, not some furtive grab in some schoolboys sweaty bedroom while his parents are out!

Encouraging boyfriends and precocious dating is to put sex on the agenda. With internet, PG 12 films and virtually almost no watershed anymore, we no longer live in that innocent age where girls and boys just hold hands and a first kiss is a BIG deal at 18-21 even. And frankly a lot of first time sex at such a young age is closer to coercion than consent.

But I agree it's too late to turn back now when things have reached this point. Nothing the parents can do now after that silly decision but to talk practicalities which part the OP has done well.

I think we live in an age where people still have low expectations of girls, it's still there in the background. To be clear, sex at this age may benefit boys far more than it benefits girls. The boys get social alpha status from having sex with no responsibility, never have to take hormones and at best walk away with a weak CM claim in a worst case scenario. Girls? None of that.

ALovelyCupOfNameChange · 15/07/2024 11:46

Every single one of my dcs friends who have not been permitted boyfriends have had them.
they’ve had them earlier than the relaxed parents, and it’s all been more intense because it’s created a Romeo and Juliet affect.

not allowing it doesn’t stop it in my experience it just means your child can’t talk to you

gtmumof3 · 19/07/2024 22:56

My 15yo daughter is very open with me about her relationship (she loves a girly chat). She did take a bit longer to tell me she'd had sex, but I think that's understandable. We've had many discussions around safe sex and different options of contraception.
One of the main this I told her is that, I don't mind that she's having sex. (She's at that age it happens). But that I didn't want to know when is was happening- she looked at me like I was crazy.
Anyways, I think that you need to have a conversation with your daughter around when its appropriate to have those more intimate moments with her boyfriend i.e. not in the communal areas of the house. I understand its awkward, at least it defiantly sounds it. But its better that then catch them doing worse.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page