Shit shit shit… what do I do?

[lucasnorth]

DD recently turned 15.
Her boyfriend is over to watch TV. Had dinner with us all.
After dinner I went upstairs to put younger one to bed and left them watching tv. With the door open.
I come back down and find her straddling him rocking up and down 🤯. With their clothes on. But still I was 😳
What do I say to her?! How is she not embarrassed?!
Do I need to get her on the pill? Or will that just encourage her? She’s so young 😞

Just wanted to say that you sound brilliant, OP. Hope I’m like you when my DD (now 11) gets to that stage.

I didn’t say that the he should be involved in the discussions. I said it shouldn’t be a secret.

No perhaps you didn’t but OP said her DH should be involved in the decision

Rightly or wrongly (and I've seen many a heated discussion about it on MN!), 15 really isn't that young to lose your v-plates. Sorry OP!

My heart jolted at your chocolate buttons comment though 😥

Yes no doubt you did turn out fine. We were going to the pub at 15 too and my parents would never check up on me because they couldn’t back then 😂. Very different now though! My daughter went to the pub for the first time the day she turned 18, they actually went out the night before and as soon as the clock struck 12 they went to a club. Unless you can get hold of a brilliant fake id you’re not getting in anywhere where I live under 18. I was a pretty good teen though, didn’t give my mum any real trouble just the usual pushing boundries. All of mine are the same. The youngest is probably the most rebellious but nothing too major thankfully!

I’m in 30s and there have always been certain things I will discuss with my mum but absolutely not my dad, even now. And most of those are ‘women’ related things eg contraception, periods, health.

I think we’ll have to respectfully agree to disagree on this one. I think with something as personal as this, she has a right to decide if she wants her Dad to know or not. I’d feel glad she was comfortable talking to me about it, and respect her decision on Dads involvement. Equally if my son wanted to talk to his Dad privately about something, obviously yes I’d prefer to know, but if he was more comfortable only speaking with Dad, I’d rather he did that than not speak at all, and I’d trust my husband to deal with the situation in a way that I’d feel was appropriate.

But 16 is the age of consent? What age do you think is okay and wouldn’t warrant getting furious? I get that 15 is on the young side and I don’t know how I’d feel in that situation but once they’re 16 I’m not sure what parents can do beyond ensuring contraception and having frank chats about safety, consent etc.

Where is an appropriate place if not the family home 😆 it’s not like they’re going to book a night in a hotel! Silly

Definitely. If I didn’t want my dad involved and my mum told him anyway, I would have just stopped telling her anything 🤷‍♀️ Great way to break trust.

Perhaps she wanted you to walk in on them. It could be her way of telling you "Look at me, I'm all grown up now…"

This child has recently turned 15 so almost a year off of being 16. I don’t know about other parents but if my kids were 18 I’d be furious if they were doing that on the sofa!

I agree you cannot fully control what your teenager does outside of the house but I can control what goes on in my house. My kids range from 17-33 and thankfully I’ve never been in this situation.

My kids are a couple of years younger and there is no way any of them have boyfriends or girlfriends or are talking about sex. I hear the conversations - about lego, playing tag, football and Roblox. They don't have phones. They don't have sex. It simply isn't anything to do with 'burying my head in the sand'. It just isn't happening.

My friend's daughter is sixteen. She has not tried smoking or drugs. She doesn't drink (although some of her friends do and she is encouraged to avoid these friends), she has never had a boyfriend, she has never had sex. Her conversations are about make up and Taylor Swift and how much she hates studying, what course she plans to do and how much she hates her brother.

Obviously some of her friends have boyfriends. A small number have sex. When wearing their school uniforms outside of school, the schools don't permit them to go to certain places e.g. shopping malls, parks or generally loiter around. They are expected to represent their schools at all times.If they are seen (or a member of the public contacts the various schools about any misbehaviour), the schools investigate and the kids are reprimanded.

In the evenings, the kids do their homework and go to sports and hobbies or the gym. They don't have copious amounts of free time to walk around with boyfriends or girlfriends.

I said the same. Having kids just a couple of years older I just don’t know anyone in real life that would do anything like that . Mumsnet is indeed weird!

A group of kids at my daughters school in year 10 had some sort of group sex thing which was filmed, they were all pretty drunk and it went round the school in hours. Just kids and now that will have a huge impact probably for the rest of their lives. It’s out there on the web and will be forever.

You do know it’s illegal as she’s too young to give consent? It would technically be rape and he could end up in court if things went downhill and they split up acrimoniously. I have seen this happen in court. It also happened to a friend of my daughter who got pregnant at 15 (after boasting to her mates about sleeping with him) but when he dumped her she went to the police and he was prosecuted.

Yes to:

• A conversation about consent and safety.
• A conversation about privacy and appropriate venues.
• A conversation about masturbation being a safer option for dealing with sexual frustration.
• A skipload of condoms and a stand-by morning after pill.
• A conversation about IUDs and progestogen-based options.
• The hotline number for accessing abortion services.

No to:

• The Pill or any other estrogen-based method, as it quadruples DD's risk of having a stroke, increases the risk of blood clots, and is outright contraindicated if DD has migraines with aura.
• "Not under my roof" or anything else that will steer DD into riskier behaviour (e.g. shagging outdoors) or cement it into her mind that, if she is raped or falls pregnant, you won't support her.

Isn’t he 15 too?

I told my DH. If there was ever a medical emergency it's important to be able to tell the treating staff what medications are being taken.

I think some posters are a bit daft if they think there is a 'type' of teen that has sex. I bet there are plenty of Taylor Swift and Roblox obsessed teens that have sex.

Sure, me too. But I’m not saying that the father should be part of the deep discussions around the intimate things a young girl experiences. Just that the big information (like his underage daughter having sex, or going on the pill) not be kept completely from here. Notification, information - not discussion.

Fuck that, imagine if they were filmed outside and it went viral. Far better to be indoors.
Sorry if I missed it OP how long have they been together?

OP you've taken a great approach and done exactly the right thing.

Some of the more recent comments on this thread astound me. The posters sound like they live in a parallel universe to mine:

In my universe 15 year olds generally have a pretty significant sex drive- which although uncomfortable for their parents to acknowledge is a natural part of puberty. They may not be emotionally mature enough to cope with being sexually active, and it is of course not ideal- but that is a very separate issue to the fact that it is very normal for them to have an interest in sex.

In my universe 15 year olds can be cracking on with their studies, playing sport, chatting about Roblox, and also be doing things like OP's daughter. These things are not mutually exclusive- the presence of good grades, hobbies and sporting activity does not mean kids are not becoming sexually active.

In my universe it is toe curlingly awkward for 15 year olds to discuss this stuff with their parents. In fact most people of any age find it at least a bit awkward to discuss their sex life with their parents. For this reason it is wise to tread carefully around this stuff with our young people and to aim to foster a relationship where they feel able to come to us with worries or issues around sex without fear of judgement. They should know that awkward or not, we are a safe place especially if things go wrong- and shaming, judging, punishing, and being totally out of touch with reality means they are less likely to come to us when they need us most.

Unless you are actually locking your teens up they will be talking about things, and doing things that you don't know about. If you can't accept this then you do not know your children and are living in a fantasy land.

I'd never have my year 10 child bring a partner over in the first place.

And even if i was strange enough to allow that, she would need to be out of her god damn mind to think that behaviour is even feasible to attempt in my household.

You absolutely do not need to include your DH in that decision. The vast majority of teenage girls would be rightly mortified to have a conversation with their father about contraception. At the end of the day the decision is hers - not yours or anyone else’s

And plenty who don't. It isn't the 'norm' for every teen although I do understand that it depends on peers, schools, the amount of 'freedom', parental and school expectations etc.

Just because they 'want' sex, doesn't mean they should have sex. Sex brings complications, emotional and physical, that a 15 year old child is too young to deal with. Childhood is short enough before the reality of adulthood.