Shit shit shit… what do I do?

[lucasnorth]

DD recently turned 15.
Her boyfriend is over to watch TV. Had dinner with us all.
After dinner I went upstairs to put younger one to bed and left them watching tv. With the door open.
I come back down and find her straddling him rocking up and down 🤯. With their clothes on. But still I was 😳
What do I say to her?! How is she not embarrassed?!
Do I need to get her on the pill? Or will that just encourage her? She’s so young 😞

I'd be having a frank conversation with her and making an appointment at the local sexual health clinic.

Ideally they'd wait until they're 16 but if they can't wait getting contraception sorted is vital.

I can't word this well, @Zanatdy , so please forgive me as this is a genuine question BUT you are the same age as me, and growing up I remember this topic was well covered in the mid-1980s in Eastenders, with Michelle Fowler, and was a theme in Grange Hill at least once. Added to which in the school I went to in Birmingham, sex -ed was on the agenda all through the five years I was there...it started off in biology classes with puberty and pregnancy, and as we got older it became more about relationships & STDs.

Thus, even though my parents told me practically nothing (for which I actually feel very blessed), it was all over the place outside of the home. Was this not the same for you, growing up? As I say, it is a very genuine question.

Most teens seem to be offered the patch round here, easier to manage (only need to remember to change it once a week.)

Thanks everyone. You’ve all helped me massively tonight, and stopped me exploding at her which would have been counterproductive.

So we’ve had a long calm chat. Covered boundaries and the open door - turns out she wasn’t sure if I’d seen them and was trying to style it out. But is now mortified, particularly when I deployed the ‘how would you have felt to walk in on me and your dad’ line. Discussed that I don’t want her to feel ashamed, just to have boundaries on what others are exposed to.

Covered the fact that she’s too young. She swears blind she hasn’t and doesn’t want to go any further, I explained my concern that if they mess around they’ll get carried away.

Covered the fact that although she’s too young, if she is going to do it then she has to be safe and has to use condoms. Offered to take her to the GP to discuss contraception options.

Im shattered now. Going to turn in - thanks again

For the same reason he would need to know about any major parenting decisions. Or decisions regarding new and long term medication of their child. Are you serious in even asking?!?!

Really? She's 15. You haven't talked about more than contraception and consent? Have you talked about what she will be seeing online? Teenage girls are constantly exposed to highly sexualised images of girls and women, in music videos and advertising. Plus she is likely to have seen porn. She's possibly reflecting that rather than being "out of control".

Completely different upbringing to mine and my kids. I’m not just saying that to make a point. It sounds completely alien to me. I have a just 17 year old boy and a just 18 year old girl and 2 older adult children. I do not know one parent that has allowed boyfriends or girlfriends to stay over at all at 15 years old. My daughter went to her first festival last year at 17 and only for the day. I was happy for her to stay overnight but none of her friends were allowed. My son had 8 mates stay the other week. All 16 and 17 years old. They all stayed in our dining room in sleeping bags and 2 of the girls and one of the boys mums phoned me to check it was ok. The other kids I already know really well.

Well yeah actually, this is a very personal decision about her body and contraception. She absolutely should have a choice on whether her Dad knows or not.

I think you handled it properly. I know it’s a tough discussion to have with your young child while trying to be calm so she doesn’t close up and stop talking to you.

Seems like she was just experimenting and hopefully she is being honest that she has no intention to go any further until she is a bit older. I think with the way you handled it, she can come to you if she needs guidance and advice.

I really don’t get all the Pearl clutching about 15 year olds dry humping! I had sex with my boyfriend of 2 years when I was just shy of 16 and it was lovely and we trusted each other - no ill effects whatsoever. However my mum was super weird about sex, a lot of religious shame around the topic, lots of focus on me remaining a virgin. It didn’t stop me having sex it just meant I never ever confided in her or felt particularly understood and we aren’t very close now.

I would much rather my 15 year old experimented with a boyfriend she knows and loves in a safe place than waited until she was 18 and had some kind of drunk experience with some random guy from uni. Obviously those aren’t the only two options but my point is I don’t think being older is necessarily better!

You have hopefully already instilled in her a strong sense of ambition and commitment to education and hobbies and her future, so there is no reason that having sex will derail any of that.

Only on MN! Who knew we were supposed to encourage our underage DD’s to have ‘experimenting’ sessions in their bedroom with the door open with any old Tom or Dick from school while we’re downstairs cooking dinner and their younger siblings are doing their homework at the dining room table??!!

If they’re old enough to have sex, they’re old enough to factor in having an appropriate place to do it in as well, which is not in the family home while your parent/siblings are about.

Also drumming it in that waiting until they trust a partner enough to know that they’re not being used as a number on score card to be laughed about with their mates afterwards is as important as actually talking about sex, contraception and pregnancy IMO. Especially these days with porn freely accessible and a lot of young lads wanting to reenact those scenes and having the ability to film it if they want to.

Dry humping in the living room is rude and disrespectful. I'd definitely say something and I wouldn't be embarrassed to.
I'd also have a proper talk about sex. I'd discuss contraception and a reminder about concent, only doing things you want and a r3minder about never allowing or posting anything dodgy or inappropriate on social media or in any text message. Basically don't do anything she could later regret.

I had lots of sex at 15 with a lad the same age. We dated for a few years and I had a great time. It was fun and wholesome. I have absolutely no regrets at all. Neither his nor my parents minded. We were sensible, hard working, good kids. It wasn't like I was flitting about from boy to boy.

Well yes, that's part of being a teenager. It doesn't mean they are ready for sex though and all the additional emotional mess it brings on top of the normal emotional mess and hormones that being a teenager that age involves.

Good point, I had friends who thought they were too old at the grand old age of 17 to still be a virgin so went out and did it with the first willing guy they could find 😬

This is a matter of consideration for others. She is of an age where these things can happen but surely privately. I'd find the lack of thought for the rest of the family the most concerning aspect of this scenario.

Well my child and I don’t have secrets from the other parent in our family.

Going on the pill is not some deep dark personal humiliating trauma that might need to be kept hidden to prevent further psychological damage. It’s a routine part of growing up. No parent should be left in the dark about something so fundamental, or about such a big life milestone.

Underage - need to have a word with them both!

Yes completely different. Anyone phoning a friend’s parent to check on their 16 year old would have been considered quite mortifying. But then we were being dropped in town to go to the pub at that age. My mother was a bit worried about my spending 3 days at reading festival at 15 but allowed me to go when she realised the rest of us were.

I should add that we all turned out fine!

I totally agree; try not to embarrass her and keep the lines of communications open. You will want her to confide in you/come for help if she ever needed in the future.

Maybe leave a book on safe sex in her room if you can’t stomach having the conversation yet. Plenty of kids do have sex at 15… and they will find a way to do it regardless of what rules you lay down.

Quite happy my dad didn’t take this attitude, tbh. The old man would be horrified to think anyone thought he was “entitled” to such information about my body and sex life. Brrrrrrr.

Also sorry but everyone has secrets from their parents!

Sure, the kid can have secrets from her parents…but one parent shouldn’t have secrets from the other unless there is a VERY good reason.

This is an ENTIRELY and erroneously gendered thing. If there was a dad on here wanting to out his underage daughter on the pill, but not wanting to tel his wife, the daughter’s mother, then you’d all be saying very different things.

If someone is not ready to tell their parent that they have a sex life, then they are still too young and immature to have a sex life.

I’m not saying a daughter should tell her father everything about what she’s doing or who she’s doing it with. Of course not. none of his business - or the mother’s.

But if the mother is planning to medicate an underage child so that she can have sex somewhat safely, then the other parent also needs to know that this is happening. That’s all.

I can’t quite believe that there’s any kickback on that very simple assertion.

Interesting that people are saying DH shouldn’t be left out of decisions about DD’s contraception. I personally disagree, I wouldn’t want any man even my husband to be involved in decisions about my DD’s contraception. I would give strong recommendations and discussion but it’s for her to decide on the exact type, not me or her dad to force her into. I would tell him after the fact but wouldn’t involve him in discussions, it would be awkward for her and he couldn’t bring anything useful to the table having only ever used condoms

Not at all. The point is she should have a choice as to who she discusses her personal choices about her body and contraception with. If she’s happy for both to know great. If she’s more comfortable only discussing with Mum, or Dad, that should be fine as well. It should be her choice.

If a child is too uncomfortable and emotionally immature as to find acknowledging sex too difficult, then she/he is too emotionally immature to be having sex in the first place.

Sex isn’t a weird shameful thing.

An underage child having sex is ABSOLUTLEY something that both parents need to know about. Even if they don’t need/have a right to actually know all the details.