Shit shit shit… what do I do?

[lucasnorth]

DD recently turned 15.
Her boyfriend is over to watch TV. Had dinner with us all.
After dinner I went upstairs to put younger one to bed and left them watching tv. With the door open.
I come back down and find her straddling him rocking up and down 🤯. With their clothes on. But still I was 😳
What do I say to her?! How is she not embarrassed?!
Do I need to get her on the pill? Or will that just encourage her? She’s so young 😞

If you found your daughter stealing a necklace from Accessorise, would you apply the same reasoning? That is, if I'm too tough, might they go somewhere else (Hatton Garden) and do worse? Their behaviour, in a room in your house with the door open, or closed, for that matter, was totally unacceptable - and really odd. Perhaps they subconsciously wanted you to find them? Me - I'd want a calm discussion with them. And there'd definitely be consequences with my daughter and a serious chat with the boyfriend's mother.

If she's only just turned 15 then she is a year 10 not a year 11 (and so is the boy, so he can't be 16 yet either). I think school years make a bigger difference than actual age for teens - if you can get her to wait until year 11 it's a lot more acceptable. By that age loads of the kids will be having sex.

I paid my DD £50 to get the implant - best £50 I ever spent as not long after she started seeing an abusive arsehole. The thought of her being tied to him forever makes me shudder!

I found half empty packets of the pill in her room so I had to do something fast as she clearly wasn't remembering to take them! She probably would've opted for the implant herself instead of the pill but she was scared of needles - the £50 bribe made that fear more manageable

OP you handled it brillantly.
Yes we'd all line our DDs to not have sex till 18.
But realistically I was 16. And if it's 15 and half or 3/4. So what? If it's with a long term partner it's a great way to start having sex.

My previous post speaks from experience,

I was pregnant at 15, first time I had sex, so it is possible. I was clueless, no one had ever talked about sex to me, so not the done thing from my mother, and to be fair she prob didn't think her stupid daughter would have sex at 15. But without the talk, how do you know what to avoid. Yes, she should be on the pill, and him using condoms, and why? Because every damn woman gets left holding the baby, fellas walk away, not all I agree, but any I have known me or my friends with at that age have long gone.

Please explain to your daughter that yes its fun, yes, its hormones, but damn it 5 mins of fun leads to 18 years of a child that she is responsible for. Paying for, losing her freedom for etc. All the fun things she has planned out will go poof like her dreams, because once you open Pandoras box, the lid never goes back on right. Let her read my post, I have no issues with that at all.

I put my daughter on the pill at 15 for a very similar situation.
We'd always had an open and honest relationship but I made it clear to her and the doctor we went to, that I was not condoning or encouraging her to become sexually active.
I certainly wasn't leaving the contraceptive decision to a couple of horny teenagers.

being on the pill won't encourage her to do more than she's currently willing to do.
but it's definitely time for a serious talk, about how some behaviour is for behind closed doors only, and how would she feel if she saw you and her dad/or not dad partner if that's the case, doing that?
say to her it's probably a good time to see the Nurse and talk about her various contraceptive options, even if she's not doing anything yet, in case things go further than she planned ahead for. she'll probably be really embarrassed, but I was on the pill for a long time before finally feeling ready to take the next step, but it felt reassuring to know that I was, at least, covered on that front, and I understood that it only prevented pregnancy, and used condoms as well for many years into a long established relationship.
knowing how to be responsible doesn't make someone decide to have sex if they're not ready. but if they're going to, they will find a way, so better to make sure they know how to be careful, what they need to be careful about, and that she can talk to you about any concerns she has and you won't judge her.

Probably statistically most though? Or if not most then still a sizeable portion?

sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing to me. if it's any reassurance, the heavy petting/fooling around stage lasted well over a year with me and my now husband. I wasn't ready to go further. but the experimenting was fun. I was 20, by the way. so she's not necessarily in a rush to go further. and it doesn't sound like she has. but knowing you'll have her back and support her with navigating this stage of her life is extremely valuable.

at her age, she's legally allowed to make her own appointment to discuss and be prescribed contraception without the knowledge or consent of either parent. if she doesn't want Dad to know, she's considered legally able to give informed consent to medical procedures.
not necessarily the case, but imagine how embarrassed some teens would be about their Dad knowing about their sexual choices, more so than their Mum. what if him being told was a condition and they decided they'd rather not seek contraception at all than him find out?

In all honesty (with a daughter of nearly 15 & she has a twin brother) I'd have stated my concern to them both regarding the disrespectful nature of their actions at that point. And as much as they'd be mortified - its the two of them who created the situation. I'd place boundaries that are clear & concise within your home that they both respect. Once that's out of the way, I'd have an open & honest conversation with DD regarding protection, risks of not using that protection & her own boundaries when it comes to any activity taking place. Trust & honesty in this situation is crucial. Pressure is placed on kids these days & we automatically feel the need to address this with anger of which you have every right. However, we've all been here & hormones do take over at such an impressionable age. I'd be more grateful that it's under your roof (albeit not in that manner).

Most were around 18/19 , and the majority were at university before they were sexually active. I was even older than that as was my close friend. I have teenagers now, 17 and 19. Neither has been on a date yet. The older one is at university and she isn’t the only one in her friend group who hasn’t had sex.

See I would consider that on the late side. Absolutely nothing wrong with that (and tbh I’d probably prefer if my own kids wait until 19+ to do anything!) but thinking back to school 16/17 really seemed to be the norm.

Well done OP.

My DD16, has been with her BF since she was 14. She went on the pill at 15 to help with painful periods anyway but I was also conscious that sooner or later things would be happening. I made sure I spoke to her about consent, and not being pressured, and I told her if though she is on the pill they should still use condoms as the pill doesn't protect against STI's etc.

My ex husband went mental at me. Said I was encouraging them to have sex. But the way I see it, if they are going to have sex they are going to have sex, nothing I can do will stop them, so I'd rather know they had a safe space to do it, then somewhere risky like outside where anyone could stumble upon them and anything could happen (I used to work in a sexual assault referral centre so I know exactly what cna happen to young girls in unsafe spaces!)

I made sure that my DD knew, no matter what she could always talk to me about anything without fear of how I would react or judgement etc. I wanted her to know I would always have her back. Because of this she did tell me when they did have sex when she was 15 1/2. And most recently she came and told me, pretty much immediately when they had, had an accident with a condom (they are both almost 17 now so perfectly legal) so we could discuss the need for emergency contraception as she'd missed a few days of her pill a couple of weeks before.

People may disagree with how I've gone about it but I have fostered a relationship of trust and openess with my Daughter, given her a safe space and I know that she will always come to me if she's concerned. If you come down hard on them, or make them feel shame, embarrassment, they are still going to do it but they won't come to you when they need help, won't talk to you about anything and may find themselves in very unsafe situations. So I stand by how I've done things with my DD.

How long have they been dating?
how old is he?
I think I’d be telling her it not appropriate and that at this age relationships rarely last and that she shouldn’t be too trusting because boys tell all their mates etc

on the back of this thread I had a chat with my 15 year old.
so thank you for starting it @lucasnorth

theres been multiple pregnancy scares at their school. A teacher used to keep a bowl of condoms at school for them to help themselves no questions asked. They’ve left, now there’s no one to ask or talk to. A biology teacher seems to have taken pity and did a really in depth contraception lesson. However accessing any of it for free seems really tricky, it’s a gp appointment - and we all know how difficult they are to get. Or buying them in a shop - which is expensive and mortifying if you see someone. In my view the 6th form toilets should have a machine.

when I was in my teens we knew where they were at school, we knew where our GUM clinic was, the gp ran drop in clinics. All that unattainable for the large secondary school where mine go. There isn’t even a bus that goes to the local gum clinic.

teens are gonna do what teens are gonna do, it’s important they know how to protect themselves and how to access that

She’s not a sheep, sex isn’t designated to certain seasons

Having sex aged under 15 is statutory rape.

Sorry, mistyped, 16.

It might be worth getting her an implant and positioning it as being to sort her periods out (if she has any problems in that regard) so you are not giving her a go ahead to have sex but giving her protection just in case. Her decision making won't be great at her age - like you say they could go outdoors, you can't control this, only make her sneaker. Been there!

I disagree.

My dd went to the GP about going onto the pill at age 16. It was prescribed to her without our consent as parents, and rightly so imo. The GP would no doubt have determined that she was competent to make that decision independently.

DD did tell me at the time before approaching the GP, because we have a very open relationship - I asked her if she wanted me to come and she said that it wasn't necessary. She didn't want to tell her dad and I respected this. If she had chosen not to share that information with me, that would have been fine too. Her body, her choices.

Defo talk to her I fell pregnant 2 months from 16th birthday after first time also used protection , i really didnt know anything about sex, my mum never spoke of it not even periods it was all a dirty subject. Tell her u would support her going on contraception, she may get embarrassed and say no but tell her to go to gp alone if she doesnt want u there. She may/probably already be having sex as u don't know what happens at others houses. I'm now 57 have 4 DCs and 7 GC i was very open with all of them about sex. My first GC was born when I was 45 from oldest DC he was 30 my oldest is DC is 41 this year. I have 7 GC my oldest has 3, 2nd hss 1, 3rd has 1 and 4th hss 2, I love them all but I missed out on so much if I could go back and knew things were available my choices would probably be different. I wish u well.

Well then there would be a bigger problem in that family that needing solving, too.

In a healthy, normally funsctioning family, both parents would be aware of such information (even after the fact). That’s all I’m saying.

Yes of course her body and her choices. I’m not saying the dad gets a say in those choices!!!!

im saying he should be aware if the child is STILL A CHILD. Whoch isn’t the same in your circumstance anyway. 🤦‍♀️

16 is still a child in the eyes of the law.

And a GP would prescribe contraceptives to a 15yo without parental consent if the 15yo was deemed to be competent. Do you think the GP should be legally obliged to inform the parents?

Personally, I'd rather know that teenage girls have the ability to protect themselves if needed.