Shit shit shit… what do I do?

[lucasnorth]

DD recently turned 15.
Her boyfriend is over to watch TV. Had dinner with us all.
After dinner I went upstairs to put younger one to bed and left them watching tv. With the door open.
I come back down and find her straddling him rocking up and down 🤯. With their clothes on. But still I was 😳
What do I say to her?! How is she not embarrassed?!
Do I need to get her on the pill? Or will that just encourage her? She’s so young 😞

*DysonSphere I agree with everything in your post. *

I agree .
I hadn’t even started my periods at 15! In my peer group very few girls lost their virginity at 15 or younger. Most were around 18/19 , and the majority were at university before they were sexually active. I was even older than that as was my close friend. I have teenagers now, 17 and 19. Neither has been on a date yet. The older one is at university and she isn’t the only one in her friend group who hasn’t had sex.
I think that there can be an expectation from adults now that all teenagers will have sex, but that in itself can be a pressure on teens. Just turned 15 is not physically or emotionally mature, it is too young to be risking pregnancy and the emotional bonding of sex, it’s too young to be on heavy duty hormonal contraceptives too. 14/15 year olds are kids not adults.
I do realise that it can be hard to navigate this sort of situation, because it is only in hindsight that we realise how young we were the year we turned 15. Conversation and house rules are all you can realistically do. No sleepovers etc. talking to your dd about pressure, about how they are both under the legal age of consent . There is a huge difference often, in terms of maturity, between 15 and 16.

Or boys need reminding that they should be parenting their offspring??

Yes, but given the number of threads about adult men who don't even parent their children, the payment side might hit home more. I doubt many teenage boys are having sex because they want to start a family

Unlikely they’ll be up to any parenting at 15

I have teenagers now, 17 and 19. Neither has been on a date yet. The older one is at university and she isn’t the only one in her friend group who hasn’t had sex.

Anyone else amazed these conversations happen between parents and their teens on here? 😱

No not amazed at all.

There are very different parent/child relationships and parenting styles on MN. People write posts about things being the ‘norm’ as if they are stating absolute facts. Many of us don’t cut the strings as soon as the children leave primary and leave kids do whatever they want because some randomer on MN say thirteen, fourteen and fifteen year olds are all in ‘relationships’ and on the pill to prevent children having children. It’s so depressing to read posts saying this is ‘normal’.

Glad you got it sorted, would definitely be firm on the condoms approach even if she goes down the pill route as well. Had a friend who ended up getting HIV when they lost their virginity - same age.

🤣🤣🤣we didn't know how good we had it

Google nhs how to put a condom on. And send it to her.
She may stop now. Is she just 15? Summer is the key period for sex. It's either this summer or next.
Be ready.

I doubt many teenage girls are.
gosh I hope your not raising boys. Raise the bar.

Why is nobody mentioning that the age of consent is 16 years old? It is NOT ok for a 15 year old and her boyfriend to have sex ( if they are). A talking-to is definitely needed here.

I started going out with my best friend's big brother when l was 15, in the 1970s. He was a good bit older than me, but frankly he had a lot more self control than l did, l was as horny as a rattlesnake!

My friend said to me recently "My brother told me he was fighting you off for months, he didn't think he had that much self control!"
Bless him, he was a good man and a gentleman. I went on the pill because things were getting really close to the edge, but even when he knew l was taking it, he still wouldn't go the full way.
'It' finally happened three days before my 16th birthday, we'd been out to a friend's birthday party, both had a few drinks, and things went to the inevitable.
The next morning he was beating himself up about it, saying "I shouldn't have done that, l should have stopped before...." but I don't think I'd have taken no for an answer, l was so fired up! And he was lovely, very considerate and gentle.
I think that being able to talk to your daughter about boundaries and contraception is good.
No way would my mother have talked to me about anything like that. I just got the period talk and 'if he respects you, he'll wait....' - regardless of hormones and human nature! Him waiting wasn't the issue!
It's not acceptable for them to be behaving like that in your family home where they can be 'caught' or seen by anyone, though, even with clothes on!
However, as PP have said, if they're going to do it, they will. I think all you can do is try to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. Regardless of what her dad says about her going on the pill, what would he rather? That, or a pregnancy at 15?

That made me laugh. I’m the same. Neither of mine would even consider it. The same as when I was that age. My mum would have gone ballistic 😂

😂. Of course it is . I mean all teens have sex the summer they’re 15 or 16 don’t they . Weird comment !

No. Me and my daughter, 18 have these conversations all the time. She tells me all about her friends and their boyfriends and other stuff I probably didn’t need to know. I don’t have as many conversations with my son about sex but we have had them .

She's not necessarily having sex with him already - grinding is something that you sort of work out for yourself, that it feels great. I did a lot of it with my first boyfriend at 16, didn't actually have full sex till I was 19.

It might well have just happened, unplanned - raging teenage hormones etc.

Well done op, well handled I’d say.

The mistake was in permitting your DD to have a boyfriend while she's still in school

not allowing it always stops them doesn’t it. 😏

???? What?

Teaching her about consent, safe sex, where to turn if she has an issue is what OP should be doing, telling a hormone filled 15 year old not to have sex and leaving it at that is irresponsible in my opinion.

Also this is quite hyperbolic. She can study and do sports, go to uni, travel etc ALL whilst being sexually active. This isn’t the 1940s

Yes, If she has a boyfriend then she should be on the pill. From your description, they will.

You could word it as « help with menstruation pain » and open the convo on sex if she wants to but allows her to say yes to the pill with no discussion with you (assuming you had the big convo already). Defo remind her that the pill doesn’t prevent infections and diseases post so condoms are not only his responsibilities…maybe leave a few in a drawer with no « surveillance » and let her know where they are.

Give her all the protection she needs as she might not have it otherwise.

This isn’t the 1940s

Ah right so telling children it’s ok to have underage sex is progressive. Gotcha.

Dry humping is pretty normal at that age and doesn’t necessarily mean they are having sex or are going to. It’s not the thing to do in your parents house when they are likely to walk in. Telling her she’s too young is not the way to go, because teenagers don’t feel too young, whether emotionally they are or not. Talking to her like an adult, making sure she’s safe and setting boundaries about what is and isn’t appropriate in the family home with people around is the way to go.

@lucasnorth I'd definitely get her on some form of contraception. There will probably be some sexual health clinics around which have sessions for young people. They will discuss the best form of contraception for her. It's important she understands the emotional consequences of a sexual relationship too. 15 is probably old to average age for sex now. Hope the conversations go well.

@Lilacapples
If she is dry humping. She is getting sexually explorative. Summer is a time when schools out and there's more time so it's more likely to turn to thoughts of sex. She may decide this summer she is too young. Next summer if she is still with same boyfriend she may go for it.
It's better to have conversations now.