Shit shit shit… what do I do?

[lucasnorth]

DD recently turned 15.
Her boyfriend is over to watch TV. Had dinner with us all.
After dinner I went upstairs to put younger one to bed and left them watching tv. With the door open.
I come back down and find her straddling him rocking up and down 🤯. With their clothes on. But still I was 😳
What do I say to her?! How is she not embarrassed?!
Do I need to get her on the pill? Or will that just encourage her? She’s so young 😞

For some things I think that’s fine, and I agree with you. But if your son was having underage sex at 15 years old, or your husband and your son decided to start him on potentially lifelong hormone medication (which has side effects and even risks) while he is still a child, you would be very upset if you were kept in the dark about it. I would be. Can you truthfully say you’d be ok with that being kept secret?

That’s quite different to parent and child talking about embarrassing erections, or having feelings for boys or girls, or starting to get boobs or something.

Underage sex and starting hormonal contraception is a big deal, and both parents should absolutely know/be informed about it. Doesn’t need to be any more in depth than that if it’s not desired.

Everything else is on a sliding scale from there.

I don’t want my daughter to think her sex life, her body, or what she does with it is anything to be kept from anyone. I mean, my colleagues at work know that I have sex. Because I have children and I’m a functioning adult. That doesn’t mean that they get a say in it, that they will be involved in discussions about it, or that it’s some intimate thing that I’ve decided I want to keep from them. It’s just a fact.

(Let’s not even get into the very deep and insidious patriarchal hangover of a daughter’s sexuality and virginity being some prized virtue, the “loss” of which is to be kept from the patriarch for some deep rooted societal reasons, which the secrecy is really a symptom of…)

People insisting that either or both parents MUST know details of a young person's sex life and contraceptive choices might be interested to know that the NHS does not agree with you".

From NHS advice:

""If you're 13 to 16, you have the same rights to confidentiality as an adult. The doctor, nurse or pharmacist will not tell your parents, or anyone else, as long as they believe that you fully understand the information and decisions involved.
They'll encourage you to consider telling your parents or carers, but they will not make you.
Even if the doctor, nurse or pharmacist feels that you're not mature enough to make a decision yourself, the consultation will still be confidential. They will not tell anyone that you saw them, or anything about what you said.
The only time a professional might want to tell someone else is if they believe there is a risk to your safety or welfare, such as abuse. The risk would need to be serious, and they would usually discuss this with you first.
The situation is different for people under 13, because the law says that people of this age cannot consent (say yes) to sexual activity. If you're under 13, doctors, nurses and health workers might feel it's in your best interests to involve other people".

Good point! If she's DTD in the house, no scrote is filming her and uploading the footage to PornHub.

OP, you need to think "harm reduction" not "outrage".

@Username1010 you are deluded to believe that any of the things you listed somehow magically make young people more or less likely to fit your draconian view of teenagers.
" isn't the 'norm' for every teen although I do understand that it depends on peers, schools, the amount of 'freedom', parental and school expectations etc."

Your closed mindset and judgemental attitude will not serve you, or your children well.

Oh lordy, I’d like to think that we can all function in healthy marriages and parental roles without checking up what the NHS thinks about it first.

The NHS and doctors will also keep schtum about someone having cancer, or a debilitating disease. They won’t tell another soul - do you also think that should be kept from a parent or spouse?

I really didn’t think that advocating an equal partnership with my husband, informing him perfunctorily of a major health and well-being milestone in my daughter’s life, would be such a controversial issue. Any other detail she might care to keep from him or share with him would be entirely up to her. But if she’s a CHILD having SEX and I’m putting her on medication, then I respect him enough to inform him.

i think it’s a sad indictment of the shame and secrecy around women and girls and their value as sexual beings, and a sad indication of fathers being secondary parents, that anyone would do otherwise.

Okay I guess we'll see............but I'm pretty confident that they won't have had sex by the age of fifteen.

That's fine if they go to get advice from the NHS. I don't care what the NHS says as far as my household goes. I tell my DH if a child is on medication. In the case of a medical emergency, it's also important they can tell the medics what medication their patient is taking.The same reason I tell DH what medications I am taking.

I've known a 16 year old on the pill to end up in hospital with a blood clot. In that case she could tell them herself, but it's not always possible. If it had traveled and she'd collapsed, not knowing would have slowed down appropriate treatment.

I've always promoted abstinence but been realistic with my children. My daughter's were older than 15 but came to me when they needed birth control the first time. I helped them get sorted but was also importantly also able to discuss with them issues of consent and doing it for the right reasons. I could discuss risks with them.

Mothers are also allowed to seek support and advice and the child's father is the logical person in most instances. At least I know a talk with their father will be confidential and he won't mention it to them.

It's not really any different than the day I had to ask my DH, who sometimes takes teenage daughters to activities, if he could put a couple of pads and pain killers in his bag as one daughter could be caught out in need of both. He was fine about it. He has a mother, sisters, other daughter, wife. He knows women have periods (and other issues). Men sometimes need to know things so they can parent when needed too.

@BenchyMcBenchFace my point was that it is very easy for a young person to obtain advice and contraception without either parent being informed.

I'd be curious to know how many young people who feel unsafe taking about sex to their parents, or fear judgement, would more likely to visit a sexual health clinic and ask that their parents are not informed.

@Username1010 and I'm pretty confident that if they do they will make sure you know nothing about it because they will be conscious that you'll be appalled that despite them going to the right school, being sporty, having nice friends and just the right amount of freedom they have behaved like "the others".

But that’s a strange thing to counter with, because it has nothing at all to do with what I’ve been saying? It’s an entirely, completely different scenario. Not similar in the slightest.

I think it's a sad indictment of the lack of dignity you think teens should have that:
a) you don't think OP should respect her DD's privacy;
b) you talk about "putting her on medication" like something you have the right to compel her to do.

At 15, a teen will almost certainly be treated as having Gillick competence and the decision will be hers.

Disagree. Some things are too important not to have both parents informed about.

i wouldn’t break her trust about snogging a boy at school, or having mixed thoughts about her sexuality, or any other one million things she might want to confide in me about. But having sex as a child, and putting her in medication are absolutely not things to be kept secret.

there are a million other things that she might also want to keep secret from her dad - like being expelled from school, or being caught shoplifting or whatever else. I wouldn’t keep those secret either.

She’ll still trust me, because I will explain my reasoning behind important decisions like that. She will also be learning how to have solid respectful marriages and relationships, and that ther is nothing shameful in her becoming sexually active.

I've known a 16 year old on the pill to end up in hospital with a blood clot.

This is why I want to scream at all the posters blithely typing "get her on the Pill" as if it isn't a potentially-fatal thing to do to your own DD, not to mention not even your decision to make because she will have Gillick competence and it will be her decision.

Exogenous estrogen is a dangerous medication and, in 2024 with safer options like progestogens and IUDs available, there's no need to use it for contraception.

It's not really any different than the day I had to ask my DH, who sometimes takes teenage daughters to activities, if he could put a couple of pads and pain killers in his bag

Having a period isn't a medical decision. Taking contraceptive treatment is. That's the difference between asking your DH to carry sanpro and telling him your DD's medical decisions.

Absolutely. My concern with my DD's getting advice on hormonal contraception from a doctor is that it is unlikely they will make them fully aware of the risks. (My experience and what I've observed when I did take my DD's to talk to a doctor). I will inform my children fully of the risks involved with these medications and make sure they know any relevant family history.

I don't favour hormonal contraception but discussed all options with my children thoroughly. It is their body, their choice after all.

Of course I’ll respect her privacy. But it’s a big deal if a child is having sex. Especially if that child is a boy and might actually get himself into quite a bit of bother because of all the legal complications around that.

It’s not a big deal for the child’s father to simply be informed that the child is now having sex.

If a child is too embarrassed to have that known by the person who cares for them and who is still responsible for them, then they aren’t ready to be doing it anyway.

doenst mean a parent actually gets involved in that’s child’s decisions in any way.

Somebody I know went saw a child psychologist with her teen. The teen wanted to do x and y and my friend was trying to guide her but it was resulting in arguments. The psychologist reminded my friend that she was the parent. It was her job to make decisions and putting the responsibility onto her teen to make the right decisions was not fair on the teen. The psychologist told my friend very firmly to step up and be the parent and that meant making and standing by the decisions she made. It really improved the relationship between her and her teen and the overall home environment.

You just saw them having sex 🤢

That really depends on the situation, doesn't it? I try to give my teens as much say in their decisions as possible, after talking through and weighing things up. At some point they have to make their own decisions. It's my job to provide the information to help them make good ones. This prepares them for when they are at an age that you get no say (generally 18, or when they leave home, whatever comes sooner).

I have non-negotiables in my home but what if my DD became pregnant? Should I help make the decision about what to do about the pregnancy, as per your post here, or help her make the best decision for herself she can? Because if it was up to me, I would tell her she's not having an abortion. In reality though, I think it should be her choice and I'd support her even if I don't agree with her decision after serious discussions have been had.

@BenchyMcBenchFace I've read your comments. I have a teenager. What advice can you give me to deal with this area. It hasn't happened yet but I'm about to enter this... I really would like to do my best (however I'm aware having a teen will never work out perfectly )

It's absolutely cringe to see something like that- and yes, it is a shock.😱

Definitely speak to her about contraception.

When DS was a teen I kept a big stash of condoms in the first aid box and told him that he could help himself - and his friends could , too. - {I got them for free as they were for young people, so not a cost issue}

Definitely suggest your daughter taking the pill...teenage sex drives are through the roof -

It's a thing ALL parents have to face when their children get to teen age years.

I always said that when my DD started her periods I’d take her to family planning and get her straight on the pill.

well she was 11 and still in primary school when she started her periods, and really not interested in boys so I left it.

she had her first boyfriend when she was 14 but I trusted she wasn’t doing anything.
She was still with him at 15 and she rang me at work one day with the words “mam I have something to tell you,”.
Well of course my first thought was that she was pregnant especially when she wouldn’t tell me outright and I had to drag it out of her.

Turns out she wasn’t pregnant but her and her boyfriend were thinking about having sex. Thank goodness I’d brought her up with a view that she could tell me anything and I wouldn’t be angry or shocked.

I said we would discuss it when we were both home later.

Im a single mother so all guidance falls to me since her DF died when she was 3.

We decided that she would go on the pill so I took her to family planning and had a good chat with the nurse about consent and established whether
she really wanted to do it and that she didn’t feel forced.

We came away with a prescription for the pill and the nurse also gave us some condoms.

I told that next time she needed condoms that her and her BF can get them themselves saying that if she’s ready to have sec then it’s her responsibility to sort them out. Indeed they both went every time they needed more.

I hadn’t realised I had such a sensible DD.

That would be my advice to you. Getting her on the pill is the most sensible thing to do as they’re going to do it anyway and it’s best that she is protected both from getting pregnant and also from stds.

15 is young to be having sex and far too young to be having a baby. You’ll be glad you sorted it in the end.

The mistake was in permitting your DD to have a boyfriend while she's still in school. I see that many parents nowadays encourage dating as early in some cases as primary school age, but to me it is a weird thing to encourage if you don't also want your child having underage sex.

Because lets face it the sex drive at 13,14,15 is very strong, and often transcends and is lagging behind that of the brain's mental maturity as the brain is still developing and has years yet to go. During this time of development a teen can struggle even accommodating another challenging pov without difficulty, it's not their fault, their cognitive abilities are still developing, and this is why they can make stupid life altering mistakes. To thus encourage two young people who are flush with ripening hormones to spend close time together as BF and GF and then to not expect them to act on their drive is naive and wishful thinking to be honest. It's like lighting dynamite and hoping it doesn't go off. It's actually unfair to them, you are giving them access to something that is very hard to manage responsibly at that age, hell, how many times in MN have you read grown adults say they got carried away or the contraception failed?! The body is primed, the brain is a child. I don't care how mature they seem.

Particularly with girls who are so prone to being manipulated by increasingly subversive messages about sex positivity, and who may feel pressured to please against their own instincts, allowing precocious dating is unwise imo. Girls are made to feel like freaks if a boy hasn't shown interest in them before adulthood. Rather than affirm such patriarchal themes why not just say 'No boyfriends until you finish school and concentrate on achieving your GCSEs/A levels first and you'll be slightly more empowered in a relationship'. But once dating and monikers like boyfriend (which word is laden with all sorts of societal expectations) are allowed then the next step often follows.

That said, I think you handled it pretty well considering where you are. I think it far from ideal for a child to be on any synthetic hormonal contraception while the brain is still developing but as said earlier, a progestin only might be the best option overall.

I absolutely would inform her father about her potentially being sexually active, no need to discuss the incident (although I would) because should there be a problem with DDs health or she become pregnant and you're asked 'Did you know....?' you won't have kept it from him. Plus your DD might benefit from more positive involvement with Dad and a male figure. Perhaps this could be a nudge for Dad and they could do more activities together? She may find herself needing less external male attention and validation, possibly.

Don't be tough. Be kind. Show her how to use a condom on a banana. If she's determined she will anyway. Ask her to wait till closer to 16. But if she's determined she won't. Better off her being close to you.

I get it that if teenagers want to have sex they will. I was a teenager who wanted to and did. But FFS they can do so and still hang onto a bit of decorum. Sorry I know that word is rather Hyacinth Bouquet but I can’t think of a better one. Dry humping when you know your mum is about to come back into the room is skanky.

Along with all the other issues covered in conversations with teens about sex, please add privacy, respect for others who don’t want to see it and another word for decorum. Dignity? Not much better. Not banging away like farm yard animals, maybe.

I’m with you. People think if you have a teen that they’re definitely having sex, they’re definitely lying to you, they’re definitely doing things behind your back, if you stop them doing something they’ll definitely do it anyway and If you think anything other than that you’re naive and deluded . Some people cannot accept that some teens just aren’t sneaky and lie about everything. I have a brilliant relationship with my 17 and 18 year old. We talk about absolutely everything. Some stuff I don’t even really need or want to know 😂. They are not angels by any stretch of the imagination. We don’t have lots of rules and never have had but we expect the ones we do have to be respected. I’m sure they have secrets that they do not tell me, that’s normal. I’m sure they’ve told us lies at some point. I am not deluded or naive. They were not having sex at 15 either. I guess people judge their kids by what they were doing at the same age. I was not an angel at 15/16. I got drunk in the park and hung out with boys and probably lied about where I was going but I wasn’t having sex, I came home when I was supposed to and respected the house rules. My kids are the same.