17 year old ruining holiday - won't leave the hotel

[Waferbiscuit]

Looking for advice on how to handle this situation. 18 year old Daughter and I are on a 9 day holiday visiting two cities in Europe of her choice. We have been planning this for a year and I've been so excited. I've saved and saved and we are staying in the nicest airbnb and then moving on to a gorgeous hotel. I've planned loads of activities that I thought she would like.

Day 1 we arrive and she says she feels she has the flu so stays in while I explore. We are now on day 6 and she has left the airbnb once to go out for dinner. She is claiming she doesn't feel great but is on social all day with her friends and calling them too. Activities have been cancelled and I am basically going out everyday alone.

I am so disappointed. I think she felt unwell for a few days but now just prefers staying in as it's a lovely flat. She's not even taking the cold and flu medicine anymore.

We are meant to move on to the next city tomorrow but am considering cancelling and getting a cheap flight home. I don't want a repeat of what's happening now. I will get some money back but not a lot.

It's quite lonely doing everything on my own and more than that I'm genuinely sad that what was meant to be a memory making holiday before she went to uni has been a wash out.

Should I cancel or stick it out? If I cancel I will miss out but equally will be even more down if her behaviour continues and it's 3 more days of me exploring museums on my own.

Hmm tough one. Do you pay for her phone, id accidentally cancel it so at least she's bored if she stays in.

More seriously, Have you had a conversation with her about it? I'd go to the next place and I'd just crack on on my own, I'd see if there are any organised tours you can get on and go for it.

I would have an honest conversation with her. Is she willing to explore the next city or not? If not, go home if you prefer.

I’d personally be out and about regardless but that’s obviously your choice.

Can you have a chat with her about it? Don't let it turn into an argument, but just say that you were hoping to spend some lovely time with her and you are sorry she was unwell at the Airbnb, and ask if she thinks she might be able to come out and about with you once you're at the hotel. If she says no, she's still ill, then come home. Otherwise hopefully that might be enough to get her going.

That’s really upsetting.

i’d give her the choice, if she wants to continue on she needs to engage and go out. If she’s not feeling up to it then you go home.

I’d be very clear with her though how upset and disappointed you are, no need to hide that.

I'd stick it. If i'd paid for it i'd make sure i got out and explored.

I had a similar situation with one of my teenagers. it's basically gods way of telling you not to go on holiday with them again.

I could be wrong here, but you say you have planned lots of activities you thought she might like.

How much was this joint planning? It's possible she's just not up for museums etc and has agreed to come as this will be the last "family" holiday etc etc but items not really her thing?

I would have a conversation with her and say she either starts to join in and you two go exploring as planned or you cut the holiday short and go home. I would also be honest and explain that you’re a bit disappointed with how the holiday has turned out since she’s been stuck in and not taking medicine. I’d ask if there’s any reason to why she doesn’t want to do as planned?

Yes exactly this, a message from the gods.

You need a conversation about compromise and respect. Maybe she has a couple of hours on social media in the morning, you go out together for lunch and history/explore/shopping/activity. Point out she'll get some fab photos. Finishes the day back on social media sharing all the new things seen/done/eaten. She is being unkind. I would go to the next hotel and say fresh start.

Have you really not talked to her about this?

I would probably go home if I could.

I have a dc same age and the reason I would not go away with them is there is a high risk they would do exactly the same as yours.

Thx all for your comments. The activities we have planned are all things we discussed and that she was excited about.

She choose these cities as she always wanted to visit. It is gorgeous here and she is missing it.

I have told her how I feel but she is adamant that she doesn't feel 100 % which I think was true for the first few days.

I do not have a lot of money and really went all out for this one so I mostly feel disrespected that she can't appreciate that and engage.

As noted above, this is a sign not to holiday with her again.

What did she say when you talked to her about it? Was she ok on the day of travel from city 1 till city 2. This would really piss me off and I'd have already asked about it.

I think you should tell her how disappointed you are that you have looked forward to the holiday so much and how much you have saved for it. It is depressing how kids these days seem to live their lives through social media instead of getting out there and actually experiencing life. Frankly, she is being selfish and I think you need to tell her. I know from experience how difficult teens but sometimes you need to pull them up on their behaviour.

I would be thinking she isn't ok mentally for such a turn around; something has happened, or she wasn't that interested but didn't want/know how to say when you were in the excitable planning stage.

You do need to talk to her.

I'd be disappointed with her attitude, considering the holiday was built around her wants, and would definitely have a conversation about it. I also wouldn't be planning any trips around her in the future.

I'm sure as her Mum you're au fait with the sort of things she'd like doing and have planned accordingly. She's being selfish.

I think I'd call her out and say you've booked her a flight home as she seems to not be enjoying it enough to stay.

Doesn't feel 100%?
Unless you are so ill you need to be in bed, feeling any more than say 40% well would mean you going out and enjoying everything.

You thus now need to have a much stronger conversation and tell her what you expect.

I want to cancel but I think that will be a case of cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I think I am going to just plan the next 3 days doing the things I want to do - Viking centres, art galleries and nice food shops.

I'll suggest that she does her own thing and that way it is up to her if she goes out or not.

I would make it clearly known how upset I was and why. It's basically selfish behaviour and she is an adult, she should understand the impact her behaviour is having on you.

If it was my child I would spell out that she was ruining the holiday we had both been excited about and how much it cost and that I felt really sad about it. And then hope she had a rethink.

I know it sounds desperate but I would bribe her with something big like the lastest phone - if she goes out and plays fair. Then when you get back don’t get it for her and explain just how low you had to stoop having to do a fake bribe to get a holiday on your meagre finances and that you will not holiday again with her for a few years til she grows out of this silly phase. Btw she will grow out if it.

I am so cross I don't want to do anything with her.

To add insult to injured she hasn't done the dishes once and left me to do all the groceries so we have something to eat. I really don't know who she is.

I feel for you - how disappointing! She’s acting very bratty and selfish which is such a shame especially as she chose everything.
I’d turn off the Wi-Fi - not even joking. You can’t drag her out (unfortunately) so you either continue on your own or go home. Depends on what you want but I wouldn’t blame you for cancelling.

Injury not injured

I'm on a holiday I paid a lot of money for. In the first few days I came down with a flu-type illness I probably caught on the plane. It's a beach holiday so I rested by the pool but did have half a day shivering in my room with a fever. I sure as hell wouldn't have been dragging myself out to museums on a city break.