17 year old ruining holiday - won't leave the hotel

[Waferbiscuit]

Looking for advice on how to handle this situation. 18 year old Daughter and I are on a 9 day holiday visiting two cities in Europe of her choice. We have been planning this for a year and I've been so excited. I've saved and saved and we are staying in the nicest airbnb and then moving on to a gorgeous hotel. I've planned loads of activities that I thought she would like.

Day 1 we arrive and she says she feels she has the flu so stays in while I explore. We are now on day 6 and she has left the airbnb once to go out for dinner. She is claiming she doesn't feel great but is on social all day with her friends and calling them too. Activities have been cancelled and I am basically going out everyday alone.

I am so disappointed. I think she felt unwell for a few days but now just prefers staying in as it's a lovely flat. She's not even taking the cold and flu medicine anymore.

We are meant to move on to the next city tomorrow but am considering cancelling and getting a cheap flight home. I don't want a repeat of what's happening now. I will get some money back but not a lot.

It's quite lonely doing everything on my own and more than that I'm genuinely sad that what was meant to be a memory making holiday before she went to uni has been a wash out.

Should I cancel or stick it out? If I cancel I will miss out but equally will be even more down if her behaviour continues and it's 3 more days of me exploring museums on my own.

I’d send her home and enjoy the rest of the holiday by myself. Much easier to do that than be disappointed by teen behaviour

I'd stick it out but would cancel her phone contract as I wouldn't be enabling her selfish behaviour! Hope you manage to enjoy the rest of the trip.

Send her home tomorrow morning and enjoy the rest of your break.
It scares me how glued to their phones the youth of today is. I’m on a WhatsApp group for the farm I keep my horse at (muted!) and there have been over 800 messages today between 4 teen girls!

Ive argued with my ungrateful child today so I feel your pain.

Go and enjoy yourself.

I’m really sorry op. I would be absolutely STEAMING mad.

That phone would be out of her hands immediately!

Lazy so and so.

I'd report the phone lost and remove the apartment WiFi cable.
Sounds like she's being a madam and needs a short sharp shock

This. I think she'll look back in years to come and regret her behaviour.

I am cringing at myself reading this because I did exactly the same thing to my own Mum when I was the same age 🙈 and I still feel absolutely awful about it now (I’m 43, she died in 2019 so this was a long time ago).

My mum was a single parent and had health issues and so going away was a HUGE thing for us, she saved and saved and it was a big treat - not the same level as your trip but a treat for us, think UK city break, theatre etc.

I don’t honestly know quite what was going on in my head but I had not long moved schools and was very caught up in trying to make friends, keep up socially with everyone and whatever else and I don’t think I had any real grasp of the money / sacrifice / effort my Mum had made from that regard. All I could think of was school stuff / social stuff in my head.

My Mum got really fed up with me because I had a really “meh” attitude to everything and on the second night when we were meant to be going to the theatre she walked up to an old couple and asked if they had any plans for that evening and then gave them our tickets 😳 I felt so bad.

The next morning I woke up to her crying and being very upset about everything and I promised I’d make more effort but by then most of the trip was over. I apologised and we moved on from it.

A couple of years later we went to Amsterdam for the weekend and we had a fantastic time. I was in a completely different headspace, I’d grown up a lot and understood my Mums effort / appreciated the money spent etc. I made a huge effort to make up for our previous holiday.

I’ve got a dd myself now aged 21 and I do think 16/18ish is a weird age. So bloody selfish!

I remember calling my friends on a payphone from a beautiful foreign holiday and crying and crying. Didn't want to be away from the action! I was younger though, probably more like 14/15.

If she's genuinely better physically, and this is out of character I'd be concerned,and doing a bit of straight talking.

She may well be in the middle of some relationship/friendship saga which must seem life altering to her at that age. I'd be raging, but more worried. I think you need to have a frank conversation. If nothing is forthcoming then it's phone time limited and she's engaging whether she likes it or not!

There is a lot going on with her socially at the minute so I think that is taking up her head space.

Is there a boy involved? That would definitely make a lot of girls change their plans to stay in and be available for when he's messaging.

My kids of that age love holidays, sunshine and beach or city holiday. I couldn't imagine them wasting it stuck in the air bnb all day.

If you’re sure she’s not ill, I’d ensure her phone was ‘lost’. I wouldn’t be giving it back either after that display of selfishness and rudeness. My bet is she can’t drag herself away from some silly drama amongst her friends.

She's 18 and adult tell her to grow up or go home? Shes being so rude and dismissive of your feelings.

Whats is she like at home?

This is the kind of thing my DD would do.

If she's ill she's DYING and will behave like a toddler.

I have no idea what I'd do in your position OP. I love my daughter but I don't like her sometimes.

"I have told her how I feel but she is adamant that she doesn't feel 100 % which I think was true for the first few days."
Ask her if she wants to go home. It's miserable being ill in a strange place.

Her reaction will give you a feel for how unwell she feels.

I would carry on with my holiday, but put the daughter on the next flight home.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine who took her son on a long-planned, and long-anticipated trip to a European city where she used to live after his GCSEs. She was really looking forward to showing him the sights and her old haunts and he'd been very enthusiastic.

He also barely left the place they were staying. It sounds like similar post-exam fatigue/anti-climax and being so in his own head that the world around wasn't particularly interesting.

Six months later, he did say that he had a great time and could they do it again. So, in some strange way, it worked for him.

I would do as you say - make your own plans and try to involve dd in eg going for dinner then a short stroll for the insta photos.

She may brighten up towards the end. Disappointing, but try to make the most of it.

I think I would be leaving and going home.

she clearly does not want to be there, after all.

I'd send her home, and enjoy the rest of it yourself. Why should she spoil it for you.

Change her flight home and tell her which way the bus goes to get her there.

Remove her phone -

She should be switching off from her ‘social’ life - how dull.

It would have been in the bin, she’d be sent home to find a job to replace it.

Sounds like there is a boy on the scene to me

“I’m going to to book us early flights home. I know you were unwell but you’re clearly better now, and you’re not wanting to do anything at all. So it’s best we go home.”

I imagine you’ll get much protest, tears, and she’ll step up.

Gently, I do think that sometimes we forget how gruelling exam season can be once we’re a bit older/have done uni.
In her head, this is it, these exams are setting her course for who knows how long? Moving out, leaving friends, uni, career all hinge on this. It’s a big watershed moment.
It’ll feel like the adrenaline has suddenly run out and if she’s copped for a bit of a virus on top then she will feel pretty dazed. I think I wanted to sleep for a week after some of my exams and I worried terribly about the results
Try not to take it personally OP, like some others have said. Hopefully it’s just a wobble and she’ll be talking fondly about this somewhere down the line.

It would probably have been better to leave it a few weeks till after she had relaxed post exams as that is a very torrid time. But you are where you are. I think each morning, i would offer her the day and hope she came. If not go and enjoy yourself.

This is a really good approach. But I won’t lie, this isn’t what I was thinking when I was reading your posts, OP. I was thinking how outrageously selfish and bratty your DD is. The disrespect and waste of money must really hurt and I’m not sure how you’ve kept your cool so far!

Don't have a go at her or let her see you are disappointed. Just buy her a flight home, present the ticket to her and tell her you are so sorry she feels rubbish but think the best thing is if she heads home to recover. Seeing as she has been resting for so many days and still feels bad she must be quite unwell. Then pack up and head off to your next destination without her. Even if you feel a bit crap on holiday you just get on with it so you don't ruin it for everyone else....unless you have obvious d&v, high temps flu, obviously contagious. She is being quite self centred so make it all about her and send her home.