17 year old ruining holiday - won't leave the hotel

[Waferbiscuit]

Looking for advice on how to handle this situation. 18 year old Daughter and I are on a 9 day holiday visiting two cities in Europe of her choice. We have been planning this for a year and I've been so excited. I've saved and saved and we are staying in the nicest airbnb and then moving on to a gorgeous hotel. I've planned loads of activities that I thought she would like.

Day 1 we arrive and she says she feels she has the flu so stays in while I explore. We are now on day 6 and she has left the airbnb once to go out for dinner. She is claiming she doesn't feel great but is on social all day with her friends and calling them too. Activities have been cancelled and I am basically going out everyday alone.

I am so disappointed. I think she felt unwell for a few days but now just prefers staying in as it's a lovely flat. She's not even taking the cold and flu medicine anymore.

We are meant to move on to the next city tomorrow but am considering cancelling and getting a cheap flight home. I don't want a repeat of what's happening now. I will get some money back but not a lot.

It's quite lonely doing everything on my own and more than that I'm genuinely sad that what was meant to be a memory making holiday before she went to uni has been a wash out.

Should I cancel or stick it out? If I cancel I will miss out but equally will be even more down if her behaviour continues and it's 3 more days of me exploring museums on my own.

I think her phone would find it's way into a roomsafe only I had the password to, or out with me in my handbag for the day.

Some pretty harsh replies on the thread! I'd be worried more than angry, though I can understand how frustrated you feel, OP. Just to second what a pp said, 17-18 can be a terrible threshold age, particularly with kids you've felt close to. To my mind, it's the equivalent of the terrible twos, without which you would never find it in your heart to push them out of the nest towards nursery/university (as applicable).

Give her the choice.

What's up, what are you worried about?

This cost a lot and it's half wasted.

Join in or go home but you're staying. Don't cut your nose off and miss stuff just because your DD is potentially behaving like a brat.

"Like all teenagers" she's selfish?

why perpetuate this shite?. Mine were teenagers, now 18,20&23 and they weren't selfish

Sounds like a spoilt brat tbh. I wouldn't have provided her the choice of attendance, unless she's significantly ill.

But i appreciate I'm strict by mumsnet standards.

Oh ho, I well remember a city break with my teen daughter that went exactly the same way OP! We'd both been looking forward to it, 1st day went really well, but then a kind of cloud descended on DD.

We had, and have, a very close relationship, she wasn't depressed, and it was before social media kept teens glued to their phones. She just kind of checked out.

She said she was tired and I believed her - I can just about remember feeling that way myself at that age. I just don't think teens have much capacity for trudging round a city looking at things, and dealing with the inevitable times of boredom, hanging around, and things not going perfectly!

She was pretty grumpy with it, which made me a bit resentful too, cos obviously you're investing a lot of time, emotion, energy and money into what's now called 'making memories'😖. But I don't think it's wasted. Just chalk it up to experience and have a good laugh about it in 10 years' time!

"Like all teenagers" she's selfish?

why perpetuate this shite?.

I think a lot of teens are selfish.

Tbh I think a lot of adults are.

But life usually calls for compromises & it isn't possible to do what you want when you want.

At 17/18 I certainly understood that holidays were saved for & no way would I have been pandered to if I wanted to be moody & not join in.

I don't disagree @diddl . Some are, some not of all ages. It was the "all" that annoyed me.

Ah!

That went over my head-as you can tell!

I wonder if there is a boy in the picture? It was usually a boy that spelled trouble with my now married girls.

Please please talk to her. I went through this when I was 19 with my own family and it still haunts me 30 years on because my folks are now dead. What I have only learned recently is that I have autism and Im now 48. I was born in the 1970s, so went undiagnosed. I was never able to cope with holidays away due to uncertain routine, smells, different food etc. Having to put on a brave face led to loads of arguments with my Mum and she continued to blame me for ruining holidays way past the age of 19.

It could be this or like me also at the time, your daughter has something on her mind of quite serious nature. I know at 19 I had got my first boyfriend who was thousands of miles away, but I was also facing an uncertain future as the course I had picked for university had just been withdrawn. In 1995 it wasnt possible to text someone so with the worry of not knowing what I would doing when I got home, coupled with my first boyfriend, coupled with undiagnosed autism, I felt like a mini pressure cooker and as a result stayed in my room most of the holiday with no desire to socialise. And it too was a dream holiday.

Please please talk to her. Don’t let this come between you. It will be something you will both carry around forever and at 19 (or 48)I wish i had the chance to have more holidays with my parents. Good luck.

I had this with my son when we went abroad. Paid a small fortune, ended up having breakfast every day on my own and going to pool/beach. He would emerge afternoon to do the pool activities and then eat out with me in the evening. I was so hurt and annoyed. That was 5 years ago he's now almost 20. Sadly I haven't booked another holiday with him since.

No probs. Everyone does this. We all miss things.

Not bitching but noticing that on threads about teens there are often a lot of people who haven't got to the teen years yet but have very strong opinions or people whose teens never had angst that they or issues and were still very do as your told biddable and seem to think any teen who isn't must be due to shit parenting.

The latter usually were perfect biddable teens themselves and have lived very biddable adult lives obeying all the rules and following the path dictated by social norms and expectations.

People are all different, kids included and perfect and biddable is not necessarily a good indicator for future happiness and fulfilment and a sense that you have lived your own life.

I'd have cried and told her how hurt and disappointed I was by now which would also be heartily criticised on mn but I don't think sheltering young people from the fact that we have feelings and their actions impact us is necessarily perfect either.

We all bumble through as best we can and with the temperament matches or clashes we have with our children and they are bumbling along as best they can without much broader perspective or strength at communication much of the time too.

Could it be that she’s just not into the activities you planned? Have you asked her? I’m not really a museum person… I much prefer hiking in nature or activities like paddle boarding. Or if I’m in a city then trying new food, exploring or just taking in the general vibe. I’ve tried so hard to like museums and they’re just not my thing! Maybe see if there is something she’d prefer to do? Maybe type in the hashtag of the city you’re in on Instagram and go there for inspiration… she will probably be more up for going if she thinks it will make a good social media post!
Sorry this hasn’t worked out the way you planned, she will regret this in years to come sadly.

The OP's already said her DD chose a city break, these cities, and the activities.

You have my total sympathy, make the best of the remaining time and do things that you enjoy.

i have had some challenges with DD similar to this, it’s pretty selfish behaviour, I also think they have the FOMO because they are watching Friedan doing stuff on SM. Avoid booking anything for a while…..my DD is 23 and it has vastly improved although there can be selective ‘moments’ including one day on our last holiday (my DH, me and DD who asked to come along quite last minute) when she got really grumpy in a cafe following a trip to a market saying the noise in the cafe was ‘over stimulating’ her…..wtf

ugh, all the people saying she’s being a madame and you need to lay into her. Don’t do this. She’s clearly got something on her mind, and you may think it’s stupid, but I don’t know where saying so would get you.

Meanwhile, its not just teenagers who can leave you with a much more solitary holiday than you had in mind. I’ve travelled with lots of different people over the years and have learned to not place many expectations, things often go a little sideways. I once went on a Caribbean holiday with a friend whose business turned out to be in full melt down at the time and she spent the whole trip on the phone. We ended up spending about 2 days together. But it was fine. I had a nice time by myself and those two days were fun. Conversely, My H and I now avoid traveling with my mother entirely because she will work herself into a lather if we’re not doing activities with her absolutely constantly. She’ll feel that she can’t waste any time on this trip that she built up so much in her mind and will be close to tears if I announce my plans to spend the day inside reading. Of course, I’m not a teen, so I can’t be accused of being a stroppy ingrate.

Anyway, my practical advice would be to see if you can get her to come have dinner with you in the evenings. That’s my go to when I find myself on a different wavelength from my travel partner. Just dinner.

@swallowedAfly yes I totally agree with you. It's so easy to imagine that your children would never turn out like this... but no one ever does.

I have 2 teens and they are chalk and cheese. One was born fierce and the other sunny and cheerful. No idea why they've turned out this way but it'd be so easy for me to look at sunny boy and not be able to imagine him being a sullen brat. But then I look at his sister...

My son did this. Little apartment in Barcelona and he insisted he couldn't get out of bed.
So I went off and did my thing during the day and then he miraculously felt ok to come out to dinner at night.
Then the fuse box went so we moved to a hotel that had a pool on the roof so he spent his last few days up there.

Didn't take him away again until he was in his 20's though.

Totally.

The boy I raised and the teenager he was for a while were like chalk and cheese. I could never have predicted that the cheerful sunny boy that everyone loved would become what he became for a while (he's coming out of it thank god but he'll never be a perfect conformist wanting to people please).

The holiday I mentioned up thread that I nearly pulled my hair out on was actually to a country where I raised him for a few years. Everyone was asking me want happened to X? He was such a happy/sociable/into everything boy is this what England does to people??? lol

Tbf it is what England does to me.

You're going to have a lifelong relationship. So I'd just crack on.

You obviously don't want to ask her what's up. There may be so many reasons for this at age 17.

But don't cancel the holiday. Just view it differently.

Go to the next destination. Your daughter automatically has to be involved in that activity.

Who knows what the next accommodaiton will be like?

But huge tick, the first accommodation, you both loved. So well done mum.

I'd keep a calm head and carry on. It's not like you're torturing your daughter. You're just making the decision to give her space, while you carry on and observe.

If she's ungrateful? Hint. She's 17.