17 year old ruining holiday - won't leave the hotel

[Waferbiscuit]

Looking for advice on how to handle this situation. 18 year old Daughter and I are on a 9 day holiday visiting two cities in Europe of her choice. We have been planning this for a year and I've been so excited. I've saved and saved and we are staying in the nicest airbnb and then moving on to a gorgeous hotel. I've planned loads of activities that I thought she would like.

Day 1 we arrive and she says she feels she has the flu so stays in while I explore. We are now on day 6 and she has left the airbnb once to go out for dinner. She is claiming she doesn't feel great but is on social all day with her friends and calling them too. Activities have been cancelled and I am basically going out everyday alone.

I am so disappointed. I think she felt unwell for a few days but now just prefers staying in as it's a lovely flat. She's not even taking the cold and flu medicine anymore.

We are meant to move on to the next city tomorrow but am considering cancelling and getting a cheap flight home. I don't want a repeat of what's happening now. I will get some money back but not a lot.

It's quite lonely doing everything on my own and more than that I'm genuinely sad that what was meant to be a memory making holiday before she went to uni has been a wash out.

Should I cancel or stick it out? If I cancel I will miss out but equally will be even more down if her behaviour continues and it's 3 more days of me exploring museums on my own.

I think this is the best thing to do. 18 year olds aren't yet fully fledged adults and I doubt she would be anything but defensive if you complain too much. (Mine would be, anyway).

Try to enjoy yourself, there's something unexpectedly freeing about being alone when you're not expecting it and you will still be making memories for yourself. She's the one missing out.

Blimey, I'd be fuming! The first day or two aside, it's selfish, rude behaviour and I'd be letting her know that she would be paying for her own holidays from now on. I think she needs to know that you're upset or else you're opening the door to similar inconsiderate behaviour towards yourself and others in future.

I can't imagine my dd ever behaving like this, but if she did, I would have an honest conversation about how hurt and disappointed I was after all of the thought and money that had been invested in the trip.

It might be that she is genuinely feeling unwell? In which case, maybe cut her some slack. Or maybe she just can't be arsed, which is obviously upsetting.

Either way, in your situation, I would just crack on and make the best of doing stuff on my own. If you really don't fancy that, maybe just ask her if she wants to carry on or go home early. And unless she starts to engage, don't book any more holidays with her.

Sorry op this sounds shit.
Easy for me to say as my oldest is still only 11. I'd be giving a hard chat about fairness and possibly taking phone / turning off WiFi

@Waferbiscuit

Put her on the plane home and go enjoy yourself!

Is her behaviour out of character, OP, or does she have form?

This kind of attitude would be very unusual from my dd, so I would be starting to worry that something had happened/ something serious was wrong.

You know her best. Is she just being a brat or is this something more concerning?

Does she have to do stuff with you? Mine would happily explore alone but not with me. I would suggest that (maybe one thing together) and if she still says no, lay down some expectations eg one or two outings together a day. I guess you could make buying dinner dependent on it! Sometimes teens need a structured expectation to spend time with you.

So she's not too ill to live on soup and bread sod that.....make your own plans for the next few days. I'm sure her battery charger got left behind.

This behaviour is out of character. She likes to spend time with me and we are close. She has been talking about the holiday for months. But like all teenagers she can be selfish.

There is a lot going on with her socially at the minute so I think that is taking up her head space.

I know you say that she has stop taking the medication but are you sure she is not still wiped out after the flu. I know when I had flu the tiredness lingered to the point I could hardly function for a couple of weeks.

I have had this experience and was very frustrated with DD.
It turns out she had a post viral fatigue thing that did wipe her out for ages after we got home too.
She had lightheadedness, dizziness and fatigue.

She may still be unwell.

If she's so ill and you're already doing everything alone, send her home and you carry on to the next city by yourself.

Something tells me she would soon recover at the mention of that.

If her behaviour is out of character I would not be putting it down to 'teenager', it sounds like she needs support here, not for you to be cross.

I thought it might be a thread about a mardy teenager in a family group refusing to come down to the pool in which case I'd say leave them to it - but it seems desperately upsetting for you that the holiday was entirely geared around her so I'd definitely think about cutting it short. And I'd be quite cross too as it's very ungrateful not to at least try to get into the spirit of it.

Some people are appalling holiday companions. You have to be in the same "key" and family members are not guaranteed to harmonise unfortunately!

Sounds like she's more suited to beach holidays or a hotel resort where you can just lounge about all day and aren't expected to 'do' anything
A mismatch of what a holiday consists of but no, I wouldn't cancel the rest of the break unless she's actively complaining and not enjoying time off from home.

Could she be depressed, maybe?

If it's out of character and she was originally excited and looking forward to the holiday, I don't think this can simply be a case of her being a selfish teenager.

Can you talk to her again to find out what's really going on? What's happening for her socially?

Ah op that's really tough and sad for you I would be fuming . Presumably she knows your financial situation and that you have had to save for this , she is old enough enough to respect that and not be so inconsiderate. Regardless of her socials she needs to put that aside and enjoy what's left of the break , if she can't commit to that I would tell her you are dropping her off at the nearest hospital as she is obviously quite unwell.

How disappointing. I’d be really upset by this.

18 is too old to behave like this. I remember mine being similar at 15.

Could she be exhausted from
being poorly? Is she in an a level year and shattered from that too?

Plan your days alone, take a notebook and pen and savour the opportunity to do some journaling/drawing/doodling. Or whatever it is you like doing. Cinema, swimming, get your nails done etc. Doesn't have to be touristy.

For the evenings, get some kind of nice dinner and wine and try to get her to open up a bit.

It's annoying but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and not have this last holiday be a big row. She might still be ill, she might have some personal drama she's not telling you about, either way this is you here and now. See what you can make of it.

I'd make the most of it. Sometimes things work out and others don't. Obviously there's a lesson learned here.

Thanks all for your sage advice.

I don't think she is depressed, just caught up in her own world and, to be fair, a bit fatigued from exams (now over - IB) and the busy-ness of the last few months. But she said she definitely wanted a city break, not lying on a sun lounger.

I really don't want things to end on a sour note and I'd like to try to make the best of it - even if it's not as I envisioned (nothing ever is though).

I'm going to plan the next few days and be frank with her that I will just do my own thing and it's up to her to make the holiday what she will.

Just leave them in the hotel.

"We are doing xyz fancy that or are ypu staying here ?

Send her home she obviously wants to be with her friends not you. Or get a Doctor to examine her and find out if there is something wrong.

How was she when she went out for dinner?

I feel for your daughter as I’ve been the teenager who’s poorly on a family holiday and it absolutely sucked. However it sounds to me like she’s sucked into something - maybe talking to a boy? - and isn’t really thinking about seizing the day.

If you pay for her phone what about saying you’re going to do a no phones day (both of you) and see how long she lasts sitting in the flat talking to you before she is keen to go out.