17 year old ruining holiday - won't leave the hotel

[Waferbiscuit]

Looking for advice on how to handle this situation. 18 year old Daughter and I are on a 9 day holiday visiting two cities in Europe of her choice. We have been planning this for a year and I've been so excited. I've saved and saved and we are staying in the nicest airbnb and then moving on to a gorgeous hotel. I've planned loads of activities that I thought she would like.

Day 1 we arrive and she says she feels she has the flu so stays in while I explore. We are now on day 6 and she has left the airbnb once to go out for dinner. She is claiming she doesn't feel great but is on social all day with her friends and calling them too. Activities have been cancelled and I am basically going out everyday alone.

I am so disappointed. I think she felt unwell for a few days but now just prefers staying in as it's a lovely flat. She's not even taking the cold and flu medicine anymore.

We are meant to move on to the next city tomorrow but am considering cancelling and getting a cheap flight home. I don't want a repeat of what's happening now. I will get some money back but not a lot.

It's quite lonely doing everything on my own and more than that I'm genuinely sad that what was meant to be a memory making holiday before she went to uni has been a wash out.

Should I cancel or stick it out? If I cancel I will miss out but equally will be even more down if her behaviour continues and it's 3 more days of me exploring museums on my own.

Personally I would be out and about exploring and would not be getting groceries or worry about food for her. If she is well enough to be on social media then she can sort her own meals out. I would also tell her you are cross that all that money has been wasted and she might as well have stayed home. I would not invite her on holiday again either.

Your daughter is an ungrateful little bore. Leave her to tap on her phone and enjoy everything you can, don't worry about being alone. How embarrassing for her.

shes 18, I’d take her phone with me the next day, she can have it back if dishes are done and dinner cooked, and say I’ll be booking her a solo flight home so I can enjoy the holiday.

She's not pregnant is she? Feeling unwell combined with zoning out potentially due to stress?

You would do this to an 18 year old

I think that’s exactly the right thing to do. Say you would like her to join you and are a bit disappointed having to do things on your own but you’ll leave it up to her. I’ve had the same with my son on holiday and it ended up in big arguments. I think it was because I wanted him to enjoy himself but he was happy being in the hotel room and going out for food but that was about it. I wish I had just left it as I ended up being even more upset having arguments about it.

This... I've had a horrific leg infection yet here I am hobbling around on my much needed holiday and even though it's tough I'm di glad I have!

Ask her "do you feel ill enough that we need tu go home?"

If she she no then tell her to pull on her big girl knickers and stop being pathetic and enjoy the holiday together!

How bizarre. "Not feeling 100%" is an excuse for getting out of something you don't want to do in the first place. If I had limited time to do things I wanted to do, in a place I wanted to visit, I'd be dragging myself out there if I only felt 1 % - especially if another person was expecting us to go together.

a) why quote the whole OP?
b) how on earth do you propose OP turns the wifi off IN A HOTEL?

Accidentally get rid of the phone.

Bet that changes the dynamic.

Don't book her a flight home, that's more expense! Just get on and enjoy the holiday as if you were solo travelling, she needs to grow up, she's 18 not 13, leave her to it.

I slightly don’t get this thread:

18 year old on hols in May
Assumptions it’s a last family hols
Surely not possible scenario in Yr13

This

Half term?

OP said in a follow-up that the daughter had just finished IB (International Baccalaureate) exams. If she's doing a dedicated IB program (no non-IB classes) she'd be done with classes when the IB exams started - these follow the global schedule & typically run late April to mid-May.

We always went with the 2 daughters until 2021 when aged 20 and 17 they on holiday had a massive argument which put a dampener on it for the next 6 days. The following trip which was booked for 6 months later got cancelled by us as I did not want a repeater of what happened and we spent a load of money on that 2021 holiday. They do get on in small doses, but when its an arguement its a right hum dinger, hence eldest is at uni and does not want to live at home in the same bedrroom as her now 19 year old sister. Couple of days of them together is fine, but any more than a week they irritate each other. Since then its just me and the DH and 3 holidays later we much prefer it on our own. I dont know whether its when they get past a certain age or something, but its definitely much better now they do their own thing with their friends and boyfriends.

Definitely have a frank conversation with her. We did with our two when we cancelled the second trip. Ask her now that its day six and no longer taking medication if shes up for the second stage of your trip, and if not, then your thinking of cancelling the rest of it and going home. If she really really is that ill, then she will agree and say its the best decision. Or she could immediately snap out of her hiding away and buck her ideas up.

Teenagers can be such vampires, sucking the oxygen out of experiences, and I admit it drives me bonkers. And they can be very thin-skinned and sensitive to any perceived criticism. Their FOMO means they can often believe everyone else is having a much better time doing something else. She’s probably watching her friends’ conversations along the lines of ‘anyone on for meeting up … dunno, I just woke up … where r u …’ where she is missing out on nothing except the chance to see amazing new places and things.

I’d be saying ‘look, this is my holiday too, and we’ve three choices - you go home, and I stay, we both stay and have a proper holiday, or we both go home. But I’m not having a situation where you don’t join in. Sleep on it, and we will decide at breakfast.’

Is she 17 per your thread title or 18 per the OP?

My kids put me through 2 holidays like this (yes I was stupid enough to give them a second chance) when they were similar ages and a little younger. Only wanted to rot in bed all day in front of any available screen, regardless of what exciting place they were at and how much hard earned money had been spent for their enjoyment. They also fought like cat and dog, and left me in tears with their horrible attitudes.

Now they stay home and feed the cat while I go off on bucket list holidays with my partner. If they're silly enough to complain they are reminded why they're never invited!

She is being incredibly selfish and hurtful. Not to mention not considering what it took for to make this break happen.
You continue on adventuring out and trying to enjoy yourself but I would also make sure she knows just how hurtful she is being because you absolutely do not deserve that. And she needs to understand.

I went on holiday with my adult daughter (23 at the time), still at uni. I had paid for the whole trip, all meals, all excursions everything, she had said she would pay for some drinks (she had money) but bought one cocktail.

I was managing an ecommerce shop for my workplace and hadn't handed it over to anyone so needed to monitor customer service messages, not a big deal as only likely to be one or two.

I had brought my tablet in order to be able to do so, but despite checking it was all functioning before leaving and could sign in etc., for some reason, despite having used it several times before abroad, it would not sign into the hotel wifi.

She had her ipad with her so I asked if I could borrow it for 5 minutes so I could answer a message (having been notified on my phone that there was one), the answer was no! I then got a lecture on how I should have brought my laptop if I knew I would need to answer messages etc. I explained that normally my tablet would suffice but there was some issue but still no.

Don't think our relationship has been the same since.

Could your teenager be like me and feel ill when they're away from home?
I'm 40 now and on the holiday of a lifetime and....yep...like clockwork, I feel ill. Upset stomach, nausea, anxiety, bladder issues caused by the anxiety.
When I was younger I ruined quite a few holidays, but I now know how to push through and not let it impact anything.

I was just about to post the same. Which is why I am planning a trip by myself as I refuse to have that ruined. I can totally see my daughter pulling a stunt like this.

I think she sounds very self-absorbed and spoilt.

I would not let her get away with being such an arsehole.

Pull rank and say that, cold or no cold, she is going to accompany you for the remainder of the holiday.
In exchange, she will be allowed to go on her phone for half an hour per day to her friends, at a time that suits you.
She could be feeling nervous, and just needs a push to get out of her comfort zone.

If she tantrums about having to join in and leaving her phone locked in the hotel safe for the day .. and refuses to participate, insist she repays you the cost of half the holiday.

Don't accept her not changing her behaviour.

Never shout her a holiday again.
Never pay for her phone.

On the basis of what you’ve said she sounds awful and she is behaving terribly. And I say this as the parent of two rude teenagers. It’s hard to know how your conversations have gone and how direct and blunt you are being.

My DC would be read the riot act if they behaved like this.