17 year old ruining holiday - won't leave the hotel

[Waferbiscuit]

Looking for advice on how to handle this situation. 18 year old Daughter and I are on a 9 day holiday visiting two cities in Europe of her choice. We have been planning this for a year and I've been so excited. I've saved and saved and we are staying in the nicest airbnb and then moving on to a gorgeous hotel. I've planned loads of activities that I thought she would like.

Day 1 we arrive and she says she feels she has the flu so stays in while I explore. We are now on day 6 and she has left the airbnb once to go out for dinner. She is claiming she doesn't feel great but is on social all day with her friends and calling them too. Activities have been cancelled and I am basically going out everyday alone.

I am so disappointed. I think she felt unwell for a few days but now just prefers staying in as it's a lovely flat. She's not even taking the cold and flu medicine anymore.

We are meant to move on to the next city tomorrow but am considering cancelling and getting a cheap flight home. I don't want a repeat of what's happening now. I will get some money back but not a lot.

It's quite lonely doing everything on my own and more than that I'm genuinely sad that what was meant to be a memory making holiday before she went to uni has been a wash out.

Should I cancel or stick it out? If I cancel I will miss out but equally will be even more down if her behaviour continues and it's 3 more days of me exploring museums on my own.

Give her the option. You don't want to punish your child for illness/anxiety or something like that

I was really poorly on holiday a couple of years ago with my mum and felt so awful about it as it was a special birthday surprise trip for me and she had saved so much for us to go. I had some kind of bug or food poisoning and spent all but the last 2/3 days inside vomming. I have promised her that we will go back again one day as my treat. Your DD is an adult and seems to have no care for your feelings, personally i’d be saying that you’ll be booking early flights home as she seems unhappy to be there, unless you wish to carry on exploring solo, and see what she says then.

Ours did this on every holiday between 15 and 18. The crunch came at my older dds wedding when she said she was too sick to eat beforehand or attend the wedding and locked herself out of her room. twice. I had a long and loud discussion with Dh about this pattern and said that I would not leave her in a rural B&B with no food, or have her ruin the wedding, but that I would put her on a train home, if necessary. She made a miraculous recovery. We haven’t invited her on holiday since though. She’s 20 now.
I would be very calm and clear that your dds behaviour is puzzling and that if she is sick she can go home or else she needs to join in. But whatever she does and even though you might not choose to holiday alone, you should suck every last bit of pleasure out of this trip. Tell us where you are, I bet you will get suggestions and maybe even invitations!

Cancel

Mine was 15 when he put us through the holiday of moans. They do grow out of it. Looking at photos a few years later he sounded amazed at how wonderful the views/photos were and couldn’t believe he didn’t appreciate it at the time.

This isn’t normal behaviour. Either she’s got a drama or romance going on on that phone or there’s depression or similar.

I would force my DC (though they are a little younger and boys so maybe less stubborn than an 18 year old girl).

I wouldn’t cancel but would reconsider our activities. Are they really things she would be interested in eg a lot of young people honestly find culture (art, museums etc) deathly boring?

This is where you eat out and not buy food in. She’ll have to fend for herself.

It's her holiday too and yes, I know it's disappointing to you that she is not participating, but maybe she doesn't want to. I sometimes feel there is a lot of expectation on holiday. Maybe sit down have a chat and ask her if she is still feeling ill or tired and would she prefer to go home or stay. Also ask her to plan the next days activities for you both. Maybe that might suit her more. Also tell her to cook one night or you cook, she tidies up ,as it is your holiday too. She is nearly an adult, does she not help out at home?

My sister and I love totally opposite holidays, she is into history and museums and old buildings. I am more into food, nice lunches, dinners, entertainment, pool and beach lazing. If we went on holiday together, we might do a few things together, but equally I would love her not to feel like she has to do things with me or for me, we can always meet up in the evenings and catch up. Teens always have the phone glued to them, it does sound like something back home is calling to her, maybe a fella or her mates. But if she wont engage then do your own thing and leave her in the apartment with her phone for company. Don't let her spoil your holiday either.

If you're out and about then just eat while you're out, don't go getting her groceries! Not having any food will at least prompt her to leave the flat!
She sounds really ungrateful.

Even if she was still ill (which sounds unlikely if she's not even taking medication) at the bare minimum she should be apologising to you for it affecting the holiday and taking an interest in what you've been doing!

You sound like a lovely mum, but to be honest, she is the wrong age to be on holiday with you, because at 17,18, she only wants to be with her friends. That's what kids that age are like.

You both made an error of judgment and now you need to laugh it off and let it go. She probably did not realise when you booked and planned it what the reality would be.

My advice would be to go out and enjoy yourself and not hold it against her. You will get on well again one day ... and you will look back and laugh.

It's so selfish of her and I would be terribly disappointed and hurt. I wouldn't go home though I would just do what I wanted and meet up with her in the evening. I wouldn't treat her when she wasn't with me. Is there a cost implication to her being on her phone all day? If so , that should stop. One thought I had was , is she anxious? One of my DC is very difficult away from home and finds change and uncertainty terribly stressful.They are improving now that they are more in control of their lives but it used to add tension to trips.

I had a similar situation with eldest daughter. I put her on a flight home and vowed that was the last time.

Agreed! No way should you be waiting on her!

Many of you seem too forgiving to me. I was with EwwSprouts about speaking to her about her total lack of respect, ie lack of respect for me. But then I moved onto agree with MeridianB about being incredibly selfish.

I'd have to have words, I wouldn't put up with this, it's my holiday too.

Are you mad????

I spent a ridiculous amount of money for 4 days in Venice, because my two teens wouldn’t share a room and 3 rooms were expensive in spring holidays.
older ds 18 spent the entire time in a foul mood, having been the most keen to go in the first place.
he didn’t spend any time with his sister (16) so she was disappointed, and when he was with us all he brought the whole mood down.

I was so angry and sad I couldn’t wait to get home.

it turned out there were girl issues going on he didn’t admit to, I worked it out months later, but the funny thing is, he was genuinely surprised when I said he’d been a total misery, and he remembers the holiday as a lovely one 🤷🏼‍♀️

you’re absolutely right about the selfish nature of teens - he was so inside his own head he honestly had no idea of the effect he had on the rest of us.

stay, try and enjoy it. Maybe things will change for the last few days.
they just don’t feel the same sense of responsibility towards us as we do to them.

Send her home. She is an adult and even if she doesn't feel 100% she could still go out and about. How is she getting food during the day if she is that poorly ? Please don't say you are pandering to her and going out shopping to feed her?

Stick her on a flight home and continue with your holiday.

I would just let her get on with it. I love city breaks and would fill every moment with museums, galleries and sight seeing. At least you can enjoy it.

And like PP's have said, lesson learned. Don't do it again.

So pleased my dd was a teen when data roaming was v. expensive.

I’d go out and take her phone with me ‘by mistake.’

It sounds like it’s her age. My dad took my brother on holiday around that age, and my brother invited a friend. It was a disaster. The two boys hardly spent any time with him, and were two selfish gits. My poor dad wasn’t well one day and they left him alone in the apartment. By the end of the day he was so dehydrated he was hallucinating.
it took a while to forgive my brother, but they eventually got over it.
Tell your daughter how you’re feeling, and then go and enjoy yourself. The ball is in her court then.

She is being a little madam, OP, selfish to put it mildly, and not thinking of you and how you have saved for this and want to enjoy it with her. You planned it jointly, and she is not stepping up. Unless she is really unwell, she is letting you down.

Give her the choice - either too unwell to continue, and you buy her a ticket home, or she goes with you to the hotel and shares the rest of the holiday with you. If she is mooning about because of a boy, having something to distract her will be helpful. if she does come with you for the rest of the holiday, tell her you need her to restrict phone time and share time with you. I hope you have a lovely time, with her or not.

She is 18y.
She is old enough for you to be really blunt about how you feel, and it being a result of her behaviour.

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