17 year old ruining holiday - won't leave the hotel

[Waferbiscuit]

Looking for advice on how to handle this situation. 18 year old Daughter and I are on a 9 day holiday visiting two cities in Europe of her choice. We have been planning this for a year and I've been so excited. I've saved and saved and we are staying in the nicest airbnb and then moving on to a gorgeous hotel. I've planned loads of activities that I thought she would like.

Day 1 we arrive and she says she feels she has the flu so stays in while I explore. We are now on day 6 and she has left the airbnb once to go out for dinner. She is claiming she doesn't feel great but is on social all day with her friends and calling them too. Activities have been cancelled and I am basically going out everyday alone.

I am so disappointed. I think she felt unwell for a few days but now just prefers staying in as it's a lovely flat. She's not even taking the cold and flu medicine anymore.

We are meant to move on to the next city tomorrow but am considering cancelling and getting a cheap flight home. I don't want a repeat of what's happening now. I will get some money back but not a lot.

It's quite lonely doing everything on my own and more than that I'm genuinely sad that what was meant to be a memory making holiday before she went to uni has been a wash out.

Should I cancel or stick it out? If I cancel I will miss out but equally will be even more down if her behaviour continues and it's 3 more days of me exploring museums on my own.

Btw, I do think it would be a good thing to tell her how upset you are. Otherwise, this could fester for ages until you bring up the “trip from hell” 10 years from now and she goes “huh? You’re still bereft that I didn’t want to go to the Vatican on that day when my bf at the time dumped me?”

This. She can come out and see the sites, spending time with you on holiday as planned- or you book a flight home.

If she planned with you and went into it eyes wide open wanting to do it, then I'd ask for money back

If she didn't and you invited her as your holiday companion then I'm afraid you should just enjoy it alone. Let her know you're cross.

I have very different idea of a holiday to my parents since a young age, and now im finding my kids and i and even DH have diverging interests too. Even on a week long holiday with girlfriends i asked to spend a day doing what I wanted to do. Ive enjoyed trips abroad alone too - went climbing with a group of people and loved it.

No advice but you sound like a great mum and hopefully one day she will think so to.

Unplanned pregnancy maybe if unwell ? Either way you need to get her home to where she feels safe. Plus being unwell in another country can be extremely costly.

Bloody hell now she's pregnant!? Have to love MN.

It’s sad that she isn’t engaging

I’m going on holiday with my 79 year old mother for two weeks tomorrow (I’m 46). I can’t wait. Just me and mom making memories together, relaxing (we’re super close).

I hope she doesn’t regret this later on.

I get it that teens are in their own little world.

I hope she perks up and you get to spend a few nice days together

We once had two weeks in the loveliest huge villa, with a lovely pool.

It was just gorgeous. Our teenager, on the penultimate day, tried to get a suntan by the pool, having spent almost everyday in her bedroom, at the other end of the house.

A quick update - We rented a car to drive to the next city (that was always the plan) and we stopped at a few attractions along the way. In one she came out for a bit, for another she did the whole tour. But we got to the hotel early and stayed in as she was tired. So things are better and I can see that she is trying! Home in 2 days.

On reflection I can also see that my holiday activities choices are more grown up so I need to think more about what things she would like to do on holiday. A guided tour on medieval tapestries isn't exactly fun for 17 year olds (except me at 17!)

I do think post-exams she is exhausted so this is a combination of fatigue + being more interested in her phone. It's not pregnancy though - she regularly complains about the fact that she's still a virgin! :)

Thanks so much for everyones comments and the handholding I very much needed.

OP you come across as really lovely and you've been really dignified even when people on here have been unnecessarily viscious about your dd. It sounds like you're being really balanced in your approach to your dd. You aren't pandering to her but you're understanding things from her POV and adapting even when it's a bit hurtful for you. Enjoy your trip and I'm sure you and dd will have many more to come and a lovely relationship for years to come x

Pleased to hear things have improved. I hope you both enjoy the last couple of days. My top tip for teens is sample the local street food.

Ah. Sounds like she's making an effort and has some understanding about your feelings. Enjoy the rest of your trip.

I'm coming to this thread very late but really in total sympathy. 3 years ago (so sort of covid times but not quite) I booked a long weekend away (UK based) for an activity for the family holiday. I had spoken to DC (then aged 15) about the activity and very keen. I couldn't book the central-city hotel I wanted as the pricing of decent UK hotels has gone astronomic, so we were in a more basic hotel a long-ish walk out of the city centre. DC enjoyed the activity but anything else was not possible. The weather was poor and they simply refused to leave the hotel apart from the activity. So I cancelled one night and we cut short our trip. I was so fed up - gorgeous city - I wanted to explore. We've done one holiday since - doing an activity in a way that DC would love, but some aspects were still not great.

DC is now 18. We are going to a major European City next month for a concert. I have said to DC that any bad behaviour and I will leave them and go and do my own thing. I speak the language (poorly and from a long time ago but they don't need to know that) - they dont. So I suggested that they investigate what they might want to do. They have. So I am hopeful that we might be able to have a decent short break away. But their willingness to compromise is always a little tricky and of course their confidence to do their own thing in a strange city is not good. At their age a friend and I went to Paris on our own - do older teens no longer travel?

Anyway OP you are not alone. It is so frustrating. I try, but this might be my last time.

That’s fair enough

Even at 46 I don’t want to do all the stuff my mom wants to do!

I’m glad it’s picked up for you and you’re enjoying it together more.

So she was genuinely ill, and now you think she’s fine because she has stopped taking medication, being devils advocate - I don’t bother with it either if I don’t think it’s particularly helping, she’s just finished doing stressful exams and has likely picked something up because she’s been left run down - I also feel quite lethargic when not quite 100% sometimes scrolling through your phone is all you have the energy to do, instead looking at your full on planned itinary and thinking she’s just being selfish for not excitedly joining in maybe try adopting a let’s try a walk instead and get some fresh air, if tired we’ll stop for a coffee and come home approach to getting her out, I’ve been here and while it’s frustrating and maddening that it’s spoiling what you had all planned out in your head - remember too that her behaviour is out of character and these were things she wanted to do too, maybe she doesn’t know that her not being there is bothering you this much and is thinking she doesn’t want to come and spoil things that it’s better you go on your own so you don’t miss out - I think you need to put your anger to one side and talk to her properly about how your feeling, and what she wants to do - maybe your disappointment is clouding your vision as to what’s actually going on

"Should I cancel or stick it out? If I cancel I will miss out but equally will be even more down if her behaviour continues and it's 3 more days of me exploring museums on my own."

Days of exploring museums... I'm sorry but are you sure that's what she wanted to do? It doesn't sound like most 18 olds. I wonder if there has been some miscommunication and your daughter just went along with it, but now she's not feeling 100% she just can't face it. It's hard doing something you don't want to if you're not feeling well.

You say she is adamant she doesn't feel well enough yet? Does she normally lie? Maybe she stopped the flu medicine because it wasn't doing anything. I think the only thing you can do is talk to her about it. It's making you unhappy and being angry and ending the holiday early is only going to end in upset all round. Good luck with it.

Hopefully the rest of your holiday will be better! Could you change some of your plans and ask what she might like to do? Even just looking around the local town and lunch might be more her thing?

I don’t mind doing things on my own. It can be better because you don’t have to worry about whether someone else is having a nice time. I go when and where I want and stay as long as I want. Don’t cancel. Go enjoy yourself! And don’t complain to or about your daughter. No use in creating bad feelings.

Oh they turned into monsters. 👹 I understand your frustration and anger. Sounds really mean and unconsidered of her. Time to not take her on holidays anymore and let her pay her way if she goes away. Also, make the most out of the days you have left. She will feel embarrassed when she looks back in the future.

Oh editing as I did not see your update.