17 year old ruining holiday - won't leave the hotel

[Waferbiscuit]

Looking for advice on how to handle this situation. 18 year old Daughter and I are on a 9 day holiday visiting two cities in Europe of her choice. We have been planning this for a year and I've been so excited. I've saved and saved and we are staying in the nicest airbnb and then moving on to a gorgeous hotel. I've planned loads of activities that I thought she would like.

Day 1 we arrive and she says she feels she has the flu so stays in while I explore. We are now on day 6 and she has left the airbnb once to go out for dinner. She is claiming she doesn't feel great but is on social all day with her friends and calling them too. Activities have been cancelled and I am basically going out everyday alone.

I am so disappointed. I think she felt unwell for a few days but now just prefers staying in as it's a lovely flat. She's not even taking the cold and flu medicine anymore.

We are meant to move on to the next city tomorrow but am considering cancelling and getting a cheap flight home. I don't want a repeat of what's happening now. I will get some money back but not a lot.

It's quite lonely doing everything on my own and more than that I'm genuinely sad that what was meant to be a memory making holiday before she went to uni has been a wash out.

Should I cancel or stick it out? If I cancel I will miss out but equally will be even more down if her behaviour continues and it's 3 more days of me exploring museums on my own.

I would tread very carefully here. I don't think she needs to be called out on her behavior. She's obviously very unhappy and you perhaps want to find out the source of this unhappiness.. I would be asking her why she is so disinterested in her holiday. There's something thats making her so.
It's frustrating, but in the meantime do your own thing and then come back round to her.

Put her on a plane home.
And stop buying her groceries!

When my DD was a teen my DH took her to
Berlin.

He got so pissed off with her that he offered her an early flight home and she took it.

He swore he'd never go on holiday with an ungrateful teenager again. She swore she'd never go on holiday with someone who completely ignored what she wanted.

Obviously you have paid a lot of attention to what she wants. But honestly, teens of this age don't really understand how much it all costs and tend to be much more interested in their social life.

Don't go on holiday with her again. It won't change for at least a few years.

(I took her to Marrakesh and we barely
left the riad except for lunch and dinner. It was amazing. She binge watched nearly all of Amazon and I wandered around the souks)

I'm surprised she doesn't want to send pictures of your travels on FB - maybe going on holiday with mum isn't cool.

I'd tell her that you intend on doing what you want for the rest of the holiday as she hasn't been bothered enough to leave the apartment. Once home I'd be telling her a few home truths and I wouldn't be funding her holiday again nor would I be cleaning up after her.

You are at that awkward stage where she really isn't a child anymore and needs to get a grip.As you said she was fully involved in planning thos holiday. Just because you're the parent doesn't mean you have to be a martyr and I really do think she is being ungrateful. I would absolutely call her out on it. People can only treat you like crap if you let them. Just because she is your child doesn't mean she gets a free pass to behave this way in my eyes at least.

She's 18 tho.

With teens I find doing something together in the morning and letting them chill in the afternoon works best. Perhaps she'd be up for that?

no way would I put up with this, it’s selfish and ungrateful and I don’t care if that’s what teens are, she needs to learn this behaviour isn’t acceptable.

all because of being online she doesn’t want to leave the apartment? Why are you getting groceries in for her and letting her leave washing up for you to do? You’re not her slave. She needs to be told this isn’t on.

no wonder you’re fuming with her, I don’t blame you. I’d send her packing, what a waste of your money.

When you go out alone, take her phone charger with you. Perhaps if she has nothing to do she will clean up the dishes or cook you a meal, even if she doesn’t go out. Why plan a trip with you so you save up the money if she didn’t want to explore with you. I would be really upset too.

I had an amazing holiday last year with my daughter, aged 28.
At 17/18, she would have been like yours.
Try again in 10 years time!

I'd want to know much more about her physical health. It could be that she stopped taking the medication as it wasn't working for her or had side effects but still feels bad. If, for example, she's having bouts of diarrhea or vomiting, she may feel genuinely uncomfortable being out and about and possibly not finding a lavatory when she needs it. I'd talk it through with her and see if you can reassure her - maybe she'd feel up to shorter forays out rather than a whole day? A walk around the neighbourhood?

Part of this could be the combination of immaturity (literally, not meant as an insult), limited perspective, and lack of travel experience. While she certainly should stay in if she's really unwell and/or infectious, most people on a one-time trip they've saved up for to a city of their choice would probably make an effort to venture out even if they were a bit tired or "not 100%", because this may be their only chance. She also may not have the perspective that being away from her friends for a couple of weeks is nothing (in most cases - I'm assuming she would tell you if something serious was going on at home) and that many don't even go on chat/social media when they travel and people at home are probably wondering why she is. Does she ever express regret or disappointment that she's missing out on things she wanted to see, or if you remind her of the reasons she picked these cities in the first place?

I wouldn't cancel the rest of the trip, but perhaps offer to send her home and continue solo if you're convinced she's genuinely sick. Otherwise I'd lay some ground rules for the next segment - for example, it's reasonable to say you're not paying for room service or the hotel restaurant as you'll almost certainly find much better places locally. And she can't stay in the hotel room all day every day - at the very least, housekeeping will need to come in and clean.

I am at the same point as you my 17 year old and I couldn’t spend a week together.. I am at the point no option to go on holiday as not mature enough to leave at home .

Can you break the WiFi

I'd stick it out and do what you want for a few days.

Then when you return home every time you are asked to do something reply with "no sorry - I don't feel 100%".

That means her washing, cooking her a meal, lifts etc.

For everyone saying lose the WiFi it won't matter if she has data.

Oh God, how horrible is phone addiction? Every sympathy OP.

It's the stock answer on here for trying to control teenagers into doing what you want them to do. There is never any positive suggestions, just punishment, although at 18 I would expect them to be able to access the internet independently.

It's not such a drama, surely, and can be resolved by an "adult" talk.
I was born in a Communist country and expected to tag along according to parents still at 18yo, without saying a word, as was my whole screwed generation.
Needles to say, I left as soon as I was able to.
5 years without contact presently at 44yo
and absolutely fine.

I am getting a bit of flashback cringe here because I regret to say I was the same at 16. Sulked and moaned through a beautiful Greek island holiday because I missed my friends and tv (before streaming and catch-up was a thing!)

I am now 40, knackered and would pass out with gratitude if anyone offered to take me to Greece for a week.

Agree that you should call her bluff and offer to send her home. You stay and have a nice time. And don’t get suckered into doing this again until you’re sure she won’t be a brat. They come back to normal at about 22-23, or earlier if not students.

I had this with mine. Upsetting at the time. I said I'd never go on holiday with her again - unless she pays towards it.
We nearly laugh about it now.

I would just go on to the next city and get on with whatever you want to do. If she's in a better mood you can have a chat with her about what she would like to do.
I wouldn't cancel and go home because then you are missing out too. She might perk up a bit - maybe she is feeling unwell for some reason and can't be bothered with leaving the flat. I know you say she's well enough to be on social media and chat with friends but that doesn't necessarily mean she's well enough to be walking around all day.

Sometimes you have to tell someone that they are ruining the holiday and wasting your money and that you are very very disappointed in the way they are behaving and that basically if they don't shape up then you are going to ship out.

Is she ok? I’d be more concerned about her than cross tbh. If she was excited about the sightseeing, it’s quite a turn around.

I would ask her two questions…
is it crippling anxiety that has just presented itself?
Has she spent too much time in your company?

I think you’re being rash and not taking into account that she isn’t or wasn’t well. Just because she’s on holiday, doesn’t mean she recovers from illness any quicker. It seems like you’re punishing her for not feeling well