Would you see him as a victim? - Family unreasonable or am I being sensitive?

[Beachywave]

Long story short - my 16yo DS has been charged with supply of class A & class B (county lines situation).

He's in court in two weeks - he's pleading guilty but very clearly has not come about doing this on his own and there has been a situation of exploitation and coercion.

My family (his grandparents, aunts, uncles etc) want nothing to do with him and are treating him like a criminal. (Side note - they all smoke weed & drink alcohol, I do not).

AIBU to think they're all being hypocritical tw*ts and that it's actually extremely damaging to him that he's got no support from the people who are supposed to love him unconditionally?

Or should I accept they have their own opinions and that he has done wrong?

They're treating him like a criminal because he is a criminal.

If his grandparents smoke weed then I’m not surprised he thinks carrying drugs for people is ok.

Honestly. I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here. How did this happen? Has he got a good defence who can make an appropriate plea re. coercion? Will he be likely to get a custodial sentence? What is his state of mind? How can you try to make sure he’s not put back in the same situation again?

Yes they're being hypocrites, where do they think the drugs they take come from? I'd ignore them for now and concentrate on being there to support your son. If he has been exploited and coerced then hopefully the courts will take this into consideration.

He’s 16. He’s been foolish, probably taken advantage of and could be facing consequences that will affect his life long term.
If he is ready to step away and take the steps to build a life away from drugs they should be supporting him.
But ultimately they are not his parents and maybe there is a backstory we don’t know.

He's only 16 and deserves support for sure, but he's not not a victim (unless he's being coerced in some way)?

Smoking a bit of weed is different from dealing in Class A's.

I think its shocking that they are behaving like that.You say they are treating him like a criminal but he has indeed plead guilty to a criminal offence. What everyone should be doing is trying to understand the reasons why. At 16 and presumably younger he was probably targeted by gangs to do their work for them. There's a reason they use children. A young man's brain isn't even fully developed until mid 20s. These adults are meant to love him unconditionally. There was a documentary about county lines + a series in Sunday Times. Gangs prey on these children . It's not like a 40 year old man decided to sell Class A drugs.

I know - if my DS was in this situation I would only be concerned in thinking about what had gone wrong and how best to support him going forward, not worrying about what my pot head family were thinking.

Personally if my kid was in this situation I would do everything I could to support them.

However they have clearly made some bad choices - children who get involved with county lines have usually been persuaded to do something wrong and are then coerced via blackmail to do more illegal things.

Sorry to say this but most county lines kids are ones where the parents allow them far far too much freedom and don't have the kind of relationship where they can talk to their parents if they've fucked up.

Your son is a criminal. He is young so I would hope that he can clean his act up and get back into normal life but your family's reaction is common.

For those who aren't familiar with county lines, it involves the criminal exploitation of children, who get themselves deeper and deeper into criminal activity through fear. People who buy weed from dealers are supporting this exploitation.

He can be both a criminal and a victim.

your family should be more angry with you. He should have had better support at home and more supervision so he couldn’t fall victim to this sort of thing.

As a bit of background - he doesn't come from a rough household, I have a good job, have taken him all over the world, talk to him all the time, make time for him and his younger siblings individually and have a wide support network including (usually) the family members who have for some reason decided to outcast him.

I've also been through every single emotion of self blame you can think of believe me.
Was I working too much? Why didn't I know this was happening? Did I not love him enough? Why am I not good enough?

At the end of the day, he was targeted by a criminal gang. It doesn't happen overnight.

Thank you

I'm 100% focused on all of that. I just needed a sense check on how my family are acting towards us.

His state of mind is my primary focus and the fact his closest family want nothing to do with him would really hurt so I'm here to advocate for him, to give him something to live for, to focus on and hope for.
He's pleading guilty because he's scared to give any names to the police. He could potentially be facing a custodial sentence however the youth justice team are recommending a community order because they recognise he's a victim.

Are you prepared to uproot and move away from the area to get him out of the situation?

As for the family, he needs to expect people not to want to associate with a drug dealer, sorry. They will worry about their own friends and relatives being endangered.

it's actually extremely damaging to him that he's got no support from the people who are supposed to love him unconditionally?
Only mothers and dogs tend to love unconditionally so you need to start rethinking that part. Nobody has to love another no matter what. Even mothers are allowed not to love a son who rapes women or children.

If they smoke weed but refuse to support your criminal son then I am assuming he was carrying hard drugs?

Stop wasting your time worrying about what your family thinks and figure out how YOU, the mother, are going to help your son from destroying the rest of his life. If your son doesn't turn this around now, he may never be able to.

Do whatever it takes. Therapy, even move if you need to.

YABU to make the comment about alcohol. Whatever you think of it, it isn’t illegal.

Their thoughts aren’t uncommon though. One of my friends old housemates was a total cokehead. Friend strongly disagrees with drugs and often commented on addicts. Her BFs friend was charged with possession with intent to supply class As (in his 30s so no coercion/exploitation) she kicked off when he wanted to visit friend in prison. I asked where she thought ‘Jenny’ (not real obvs) got her stuff from? Tesco?

It was like she genuinely couldn’t see the connection between dealers and users. And just because her friend wasn’t the stereotypical crackhead and had a professional job and money, it wasn’t that bad.

They are indeed hypocrites but your son is also now a criminal . Does he understand the magnitude of the situation? Or will he plead guilty and go right back to it again?

Yanbu I agree with you! They are supporting the people who targeted your son (by smoking weed) rather than supporting you and your son.

I also don’t agree with others that this is your fault. I think that those posters are quite naive.

Was it weed and something else?

If was my grandson id stand by him...if he was coerced..if it repeated he wouldn't be supported by me.

Thank you this means a lot.

I've blamed myself a lot and of course I'm doing everything I can to support him, he's still a child and my child at that.

I'm fully aware of this.

I'd love to move away with him but I can't abandon my other children.

Yes