Would you see him as a victim? - Family unreasonable or am I being sensitive?

[Beachywave]

Long story short - my 16yo DS has been charged with supply of class A & class B (county lines situation).

He's in court in two weeks - he's pleading guilty but very clearly has not come about doing this on his own and there has been a situation of exploitation and coercion.

My family (his grandparents, aunts, uncles etc) want nothing to do with him and are treating him like a criminal. (Side note - they all smoke weed & drink alcohol, I do not).

AIBU to think they're all being hypocritical tw*ts and that it's actually extremely damaging to him that he's got no support from the people who are supposed to love him unconditionally?

Or should I accept they have their own opinions and that he has done wrong?

@SpringerFall read the comment above.

What "choice" would you make if you were being threatened?

OP, if your brother or sister have children, it’s understandable they would want to steer clear. They would want their kids as far away from all that as humanly possible.

💐💐💐

I’m sorry, @Beachywave

I have a friend who got arrested for drugs when we were 12.
She was hanging out with the worst group of kids, and it caught up with her.
Now it’s decades later and she’s got a family and a grandchild and a respectable position in a school.
What I’m saying is that if he wants it, your son doesn’t have to let his present define his future.
I wish you both the best of luck.

I agree with you, parents should love their children unconditionally, but that's not always the case. It's hard to understand why don't all parents love unconditionally their own children? And why some of them are so cruel towards their own children? I don't understand it either.

But I know for a fact it's a reality and is not as rare as we all think. Unfortunately, there are plenty of parents who never had any kind of unconditional love for their children. The sad thing it can happen to any child, any race, any religion, any social status. There's plenty of examples.

A clear example below of this reality of a child who was never loved by their own parents:

@MaidOfAle ok, thank you. I thought it implied the young person was trafficked, but sorry if I misinterpreted it.
Selling class A drugs is still quite a big deal, so I can see why OPs family might take a while to get their heads round it. I'm sure they will in time though?
I hope the young lad will be ok. Hopefully he'll learn from his mistakes. And the people manipulating him will be punished.

Focus on all your children and wonder if he would supply them and draw them into this
criminality.

The drug industry is based on rape, murder and kidnap, and drug driving is just as lethal to anyone around you as drink driving - so yes, he is complicit in all of the above. 100%

Actually, it's the OP who completely misread my comment there.

I was trying to establish where exactly she would draw the line and expect wider family to get behind a youth who has engaged in criminal activity. Clearly it's somewhere beyond the sale of class A and B drugs.

But heyho.

You can add all the random links you want it is still a choice

Contact the police

There's sentimental love and there's tough love.

It's all love. The question is, which kind is most useful to the son at this point in his life?

Love for a young man who has been selling class A and B drugs would need to be tough love. That is the kind that doesn't make excuses, that makes you pull rank and insist your son talks to the solicitor, the kind that understands why the wider family wants to steer clear.

It's not about attachment. Sometimes you have to lead with your head, not your heart. This means recognising the harm your child has done, regardless of the circumstances.

This. I’d feel sorry for you both, but he’s not out of it now, as you’ve suggested. Not giving names will ensure he’s seen as one of them and to be trusted; they’ll come right back.

Pre brexit any British teen could have had a paid for Finnish degree. They even do some in English. My son finishes his this week. He hasn't done ant NS there and won't need to. It's just that Finland values education.

Anyone who buys a hand carwash or gets their nails done in a pop-up nail bar is complicit in all that stuff too. Yet we aren't arresting people who buy car washes or get french tips.

The National Crime Agency is a UK Government agency. That is not a "random link", it is a link to Govt information about what county lines is. This Govt information outlines that the coerced person isn't actually making a free choice.

I know you say it’s not possible but you all need to move away. He cannot continue to live in the area, he won’t be safe. You all need to move, including your other children. I know his father lives nearby- he needs to be on board, otherwise you need to go to court. This should be your number 1 priority.

Your family are hypocritical twats but they are not the main issue at the moment.

You have all my sympathy, op, but I also think you’re being slightly naive to think you can deal with this without relocating.

I think OPs son is most likely a scared kid who screwed up badly and doesn't deserve to spend the rest of his life paying for it. But I can't agree that someone being coerced or groomed into the sex trade is directly comparable. The person they're predominantly harming is themselves, they're not putting others at risk in the same way running drugs does. The fact he's a naive scared kid doesn't undo any harm these drugs might have done.

It's shit OP, you're family are treating you both badly and they are hypocrites, but please dont lie to him about their support. He's been manipulated and lied to and coerced and the last thing you should do is add to that in any way. Given he's still covering for those responsible I really don't think he has any chance of getting out of this if HE doesn't move. This time the court will hopefully be lenient, I don't believe he deserves to spend his life paying for this, but you have one shot st breaking him free from this and they won't be lenient a second time. The people responsible know he didn't talk, that shows he's still intimidated and scared and easily got at again.

I really feel for both of you. Drugs are rife and sadly those taking them often don’t reflect on their own behaviours. As parents in this modern world we are sent some heavy loads to bear. I do hope some helpful support is provided for you and your son.

I really feel for you in this situation, it is a shame your family aren't being supportive when you need them but unfortunately people often aren't there when things get difficult. I'm not sure if there any support groups out there for families that have loved ones involved in county lines, it might be worth reaching out to them if there are any. This would be too big a situation for me to deal with alone so if I were you I would definitely look for outside support groups for advice.

Some boys are coerced sexually then blackmailed as are the girls some are raped and recorded it's a slow grooming thing and abuse.
If he's 16 it's probably been going on a few years. But obviously some think because he's a boy it's okay

If I was his parent I would be clearly not condoning the behaviour but he is your son and I would support him . Your family are a different matter , it's their decision and I wouldn't fight their decision , you need that energy for your son .
County lines is very difficult to understand if you don't know the "how" my young teen daughter was at risk of being used for this after being in a relationship with a boy who was involved . He wasn't a user but his dad ran county lines and his son profited from it . His son was wearing high brand stuff at 14 , While living in a run down overcrowded flat with his mum .

My Dd was offered the same if she "helped out " luckily I knew and I talked to her about it . I held on tight , she was almost removed into a place of safety unless we could change her behaviour and prove to keep her safe , its terrible I feel for you .
During this time my family got quite angry , why was she doing this ? Why was she not appreciating her family ?
Her dad is a high earner , honest and caring , she had nice things but we refused to buy designer and her bf was giving her high cost stuff which bought her status .
Everyone has their own view of drugs , I know many families affected and people can often excuse " a bit of weed " . Personally I believe all drugs are harmful and have no tolerance from it .
Keep your fight for your son and hope he finds a way to turn this round
What's his position on what's happening.

what is your point? Those people have not committed a crime

So the complicity in rape, murder, and kidnap isn't actually the problem after all, even though you said it was.