Would you see him as a victim? - Family unreasonable or am I being sensitive?

[Beachywave]

Long story short - my 16yo DS has been charged with supply of class A & class B (county lines situation).

He's in court in two weeks - he's pleading guilty but very clearly has not come about doing this on his own and there has been a situation of exploitation and coercion.

My family (his grandparents, aunts, uncles etc) want nothing to do with him and are treating him like a criminal. (Side note - they all smoke weed & drink alcohol, I do not).

AIBU to think they're all being hypocritical tw*ts and that it's actually extremely damaging to him that he's got no support from the people who are supposed to love him unconditionally?

Or should I accept they have their own opinions and that he has done wrong?

I have a relative who has been to prison (not related to drugs). His mum/sister/other family didn't go to see him or support him in any way. When he was released, he stopped seeing/speaking to them and hasn't spoken to them for years now. His family expected things to go back to normal but why would you want someone in your life who isn't there for you when times are bad?

You are doing exactly the right thing. He is your son and you should be there to support him and love him. I have learnt the hard way how judgemental people are - ignore people who judge. They have no idea what's round the corner. I am sorry you're in this situation.

It's not even just him, they've hardly been there for me either.

I put out a message in our family chat a few days ago pleading for some support and saying that me and the younger ones are innocent and they're wondering why they haven't seen their aunts and uncles. My sister messaged with an excuse and my brother and his wife, nothing. My dad not standing up for me to them either, I just can't be around these people at the moment, I'm depressed and anxious enough already with all the pressure of supporting my son alone.

The fallout from the family is part of the price he is paying for getting involved. If they were all lovey dovey he might not see the seriousness of the situation. It might be the thing that frightens him into going a straight road..they will come around.
My ds was involved in drugs for a short while and one of the biggest impacts on him was how disappointed his grandma..my mum was. Not how disappointed l was!! She had that same impact on us growing up keeping us all determined to behave..l don't know how she did it. When my dm died my son..now long away from drugs said..l wish l hadn't let Granny down like that. As soon as he pulled away he had her full support again. Don't focus too much on your family..their disapproval may yet save him.
And remember this is not the end of the story for your ds.

I hope this is true. Thank you for sharing that, definitely gives me hope.

You need to educate yourself about child criminal exploitation.

@Beachywave sorry. I got it from where you said class A drugs and county lines.
I feel for you and your son and want to be supportive. Apologies if it came out wrong.

Your family are treating him like a criminal because that’s exactly what he is.

Most criminals are vulnerable in some way and have been coerced or exploited.

It doesn’t change the fact that he has done something illegal.

I do understand why the family are so upset with him but it makes me sad because he has been caught and his punishment will be whatever the courts decide - it’s not fair that his family are punishing him too.

Going through this, especially for a young person, is so difficult and it’s so important to have the love and support of your family around you.

IME family members will temporarily disown them because they’re so upset/disgusted with them but they do eventually come around.

Its very sad for your son and I would be tempted to lie and say they’ve told you that they still love him and support him etc.

Because he’s young he should hopefully get off lightly and hopefully this will be the wake up call he needs.

Its very good that he’s been caught now and not in a couple of years time when he’d be sentenced and housed with rapists, murders, gang members and pedophiles.

Id have been with them IF they didn't smoke weed … How can you be against a drug user/dealer .. if you yourself take drugs its just weird especially as he is only 16, personally I think there's been some pretty bad parenting / life choices of the parents and bad circumstances if a 16 year old is getting caught into drugs and comes from a family of drug takers but then i am a judgemental twat.

He's pleading guilty because he's scared to give any names to the police.

That's what you should be chasing and doing every mortal thing you can about, not chiding your family.

Protect your child from this intimidation. Prepare to move house to protect him. Get the best defence you can afford and make sure the solicitor knows that your son is scared of retaliation.

County lines criminals target kids from naice families in naice areas because they are more naive than those who've grown up in rougher areas.

I sympathise with you about your family (and would be tempted to shop them for cannabis possession when this is all over, let's see how much they like it), but right now you need to compartmentalise and focus on keeping your son safe whilst getting the outcome that will be best for his future, and that means lawyering up and seeing what can be done to protect him from these thugs so that he could maybe cooperate with the police because the less-bad his record, the better his future chances are.

This absolutely

For my penny’s worth, I think you need to look again at moving and all having a fresh start. Can’t his dad move as well?

The gang won’t give up their grip on your son. As a pp alluded, he will pass some sort of fucked up initiation by not giving up names, but I think he’s right not to.

Moving 200 miles away and changing his phone number etc isn’t too extreme, I don’t think. I appreciate it feels it. It’s what I would do.

At the very least, talk to the police about how likely it is to get free from these evil people.

I think he's old enough to take responsibility. But how harshly I would judge him depends on what he sold

The fact that OP has posted about her family ostracising her kid doesn't mean that she isn't also planning for him, supporting him and trying to work out how he got into this in order to get him out of it, as best she can.

It's at times like this that people need the support of their family. Why wouldn't OP be upset that her family isn't doing everything they can to support her and her son? Why does that mean that she can't be doing or thinking about anything else?

Would you say the same about a girl of the same age coerced and groomed in to prostitution? Because that’s a direct equivalent.

OP your family don’t understand the complex nature of county lines. I don’t have any words of wisdom, but please make sure your son knows you have his back

You're welcome OP.

I'll also add that your family is worse than I thought. They are so inconsiderate towards your feelings and your son's feelings! I think you are doing right by not telling your son anything about it, because it can wait, after the court.

I understand how confusing the situation with your family is for you. The moment your family invited you to dinner, without your son, they made you choose between your son and them. They had no right to do it, and it's a terrible situation to be in. A loving family wouldn't do it, especially now. I agree with you, is better to distance yourself from your family for now, because your priority is to support your son.

I think your son, like all victims of coercive control don't fully understand what he went through. That's why he doesn't want to talk with you, the police or a solicitor. He feels guilt, fear, shame, and thinks it was all his fault. I wouldn't be surprised if your son was threatened that if he'll speak, you'll pay for it or his siblings. And he's trying to protect all of you, that's why he's not talking with the police or solicitor.

It's hard to understand coercive control and you need to make sure your son understand what it is. There's plenty of YouTube videos, documentaries (BBC, Channel 4 etc.) and books about it. You can suggest him to watch or read about it. Maybe it will help him to understand how it works, realise he's actually a victim and he'll start talking about it.

I watched a documentary a while ago about how gangs coercive control boys from the age of 10-12 to sell drugs. It is a big problem in the UK, it is coercive control and no child deserves to go through it. There's plenty of sexual abuse (including boys, not only girls) and physical violence. I don't want to scare you, but you may want to try and talk with your son about it too. People who are involved in it, have no morals, are really dangerous, narcissists, sociopaths, aren't scared of police etc. Basically all of them are drug addicts, who don't care if they live or die and who they'll hurt in the meantime.

You'll need to support your son a lot to go through it. Also, make sure you and your other children are safe. 💐💐💐

He's 16 years old! Not a 36 years old who suddenly decided to sell drugs because of the money! It's a big difference!

It is coercive control, plenty of adults can't get away for years from abusive relationships because of coercive control, how do you expect a 16 years old to do it?

The way you talk about him, it's like he's the biggest criminal in the world, who killed or raped people! Poor boy is only 16 years old and a victim of coercive control!

Maybe it is there thoughts that he needs to take responsibility for his choices, he is pleading guilty for a choice he made he needs to learn from that and maybe you need to realise he made a choice and not blame everyone else?

All he can do now is learn from that and not make the same choices again

Listen, this is not your fault and I think it's really sad that your family aren't being supportive. 16 year olds are not adults, they make stupid decisions and get sucked into situations they can't get out of. I worked in a PRU with kids who had got involved in stupid, dangerous and even criminal things. It didn't make them bad kids. In fact, they were vulnerable and exploited. I hope your son has had a big wake up call and that you can help him move on from this and keep him safe. Don't waste your energy on being angry with extended family - concentrate on looking after you and your son.

What I meant is that energy spent remonstrating with the hypocritical pot smokers is energy wasted and that energy is then no longer available to OP for her to fight for her son. I think I made it clear in my second post that I sympathise with her disappointment and feeling of betrayal.

OP can't change how her family are behaving. She can change how she responds to her family's lack of support.

Basically, I'm trying to say what Noseybookwoom has said, but with a little more emphasis on what OP can do (lawyer up, see if the police can offer protection, move, etc).

Of course it's important. Her son has been disowned by the grandparents he loves and spent a lot of time with. That, and the rest of the family having that attitude, is going to make it even harder for him to turn his life around, and will damage his mental health further.

His only support system now is his mum. Who has also lost her family support system. It's a huge thing.

I'm sure your family will come round eventually OP, and you can all put it down to an irresponsible thing he did as a kid

Hello @Beachywave have the youth justice service applied for an NRM for him? If they’ve not applied for one they should have done…. There is a stat defence under section 45 of the modern day slavery act ..: please speak to his YJS worker to get the ball rolling on it… it’s a long process and often cases are adjourned for this.
No child just thinks one day I’ll start dealing , there are so many elements to exploitation that people just don’t see.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld

https://nationalcrimeagency.gov.uk/what-we-do/crime-threats/drug-trafficking/county-lines very clear on the coercion and the deliberate preying on children and vulnerable (e.g. disabled) people.

@BobbyBiscuits The coerced person deals in their own home town or village on behalf of a gang from a big city.