Would you see him as a victim? - Family unreasonable or am I being sensitive?

[Beachywave]

Long story short - my 16yo DS has been charged with supply of class A & class B (county lines situation).

He's in court in two weeks - he's pleading guilty but very clearly has not come about doing this on his own and there has been a situation of exploitation and coercion.

My family (his grandparents, aunts, uncles etc) want nothing to do with him and are treating him like a criminal. (Side note - they all smoke weed & drink alcohol, I do not).

AIBU to think they're all being hypocritical tw*ts and that it's actually extremely damaging to him that he's got no support from the people who are supposed to love him unconditionally?

Or should I accept they have their own opinions and that he has done wrong?

I think the original question is too black and white.

You can be a victim AND also have made bad decisions and done things wrong. We really need to live away from victims must be perfect or they can’t be victims. You can do things wrong and be a victim.

Some people smoke weed, but class As are (for these people) disgusting and they wouldn’t associate with anyone who is involved with them. It might be hypocritical. But everyone has their lines.

I also don’t think every family member has unconditional love for all their relations. To say love between family members must always be unconditional and support should be is entirely unrealistic.

I have a teenage sons. If my brothers son of a similar age or cousins kids of similar ages was involved with something like this I would take a huge step back. You don’t know how your son got involved or that was happening, I wouldn’t want my child inadvertently getting dragged in because I was spending time supporting you and him. How would I know it was happening if you didn’t?

That said, if it was my son I would support him I wouldn’t expect that same support from other family members.

This.

Yes to this.

Sad but true.

I really dont understand what your point is - a poster said he had committed a crime which was not rape, murder or kidnap, and I said it was very much rape, murder and kidnap. What are you trying to say? You are really not making any sense to me at all

"...serious offense...but..."
I see.

How do you think the police will manage to get to the criminals running the show?

This lad has to cooperate with the police, and his mother has to get serious about protecting him. The family needs to move.

I live about 15 minutes on foot from a city neighbourhood in the US where young kids participate in driveby shootings, car hijacking, organised theft from businesses, and other gang activities including sale of drugs and exploitation of girls and women for vice, drag racing through the streets, and mob disturbances. I guarantee your perspective on teenage criminal activity would be different if the kids were armed with guns.

He is going to be the perfect runner now that he's not named names. They are going to want someone like that back and I'd imagine they'd be prepared to coerce, manipulate and pay well. You really need to find a way to get him away somehow, you can't keep him in the house watched by you forever. I don't understand how you're not seeing this?

You really need to go to any lengths if you want to save him - and if that means the younger kids seeing less of their dad or going to live more with their dad or some other compromise then so be it. I'm not sure if you realise how serious this is and how hard it is to extricate yourself.

Forget the relatives, they are just a distraction, background noise. You really need to think about your son's future and how he is going to turn it around. You need to look at how he got drawn into this in the first place and what kept him there. Getting him out may be much harder than you realise.

But they are, too!

all of this

He has committed a crime that is not rape, murder, or kidnap. By committing this crime, he is no more complicit in rape, murder, and kidnap than someone who has paid for trafficked people to wash their car or paint their nails.

Many people are willing to turn a blind eye how the staff at the hand car wash are all coincidentally foreign in order to get a cheap valet. IMO, these people are morally worse than a youngster caught up in county lines, because no one coerced the car owner into buying that cheap car wash.

The nail bars and car wash stations are neither here not there. This boy is involved in an exceptionally violent and cruel criminal industry, involved in rape murder and kidnapping on an industrial scale

Yes, and he's been coerced and needs support to exit, not the judgement of strangers online.

He is 16, not 10!

You just have no idea what you're talking about. None at all.

Coercive control can be done to grown-ass adults and is a criminal offence. He's legally a child.

Yes I do, I have spent decades in secondary schools, and have just spent all weekend in a prison - you are the one who has no idea what you are talking about.

He is many years over the age of criminal responsibility. He knew what he was doing. He made decisions.

A handhold from me OP, you sound lovely and I am so glad to hear that you are sticking to your instincts and supporting your son 100%. Your family are showing their fear and ignorance. Try and see if you can get some support for yourself. (online or phone counselling? a sympathetic and non judgmental friend?)

If you want to compare it with the staff at the hand wash and at the nail bars, then compare it fairly and how it is! The 16 years old boy who was coercive to sell drugs = the staff at the car wash or at the nail bars! The OP family who buys weed occasionally = the customers who pay and wash their cars at the hand wash or paint their nails at the nail bars!

Nobody coercive controls the car wash customers or the nail bar's customers. The customers who use the car wash and nail bars = the OP family to buy and use weed occasionally.

The people who own the car wash, the nail bars and the drug lines are the people who should pay for their crimes! Because it's them who coercive controls the 16 years old boy to sell the drugs, the staff at the car wash and the staff at the nail bars to work for them and earn money for them.

The staff at the car wash, at the nail bars and the 16 years old boy are all victims of the coercive control. It's all of them, the victims who are being raped and murdered if they don't work for the owners and don't earn enough money. Nobody rape and kill the customers, nobody rape and kill the owners, it happens only to the victims = the staff at the hand car wash, at the nail bars and the 16 years old boy who sell the drugs!

The OP 16 years old son is the victim because he's the staff who sells the drugs, not the owner of the drug line.

You can have a statutory defence under Section 45 of Modern Day slavery act at any age @sheoaouhra it doesn’t matter what age you are, you can still be a victim…. No young person wakes up one day and thinks yes today I’m going to be a drug dealer. There is months / years of manipulation leading up to it, of coercive behaviour to the point that you have no choice being involved in the supply of drugs.
id suggest that you watch a number of documentaries out there regarding county lines and urban street gangs and serious youth violence.
https://tell.studio/cutshort/

this is really good and outlines exactly how a young person is groomed into a gang.

You could do to read up on CCE / Exploitation and the NRM process

As I said, I work in prisons and with teens. He has committed a crime with horrendous consequences for victims of the industry. Everyone in prison is a victim in some way. He is no different to hundreds of thousands of others

Again - thank you for the supportive comments.

And for those saying he has committed a crime, I agree. However, if you were forced to shoplift because someone was threatening you or your family, would you think you deserved to go to prison and to lose your entire family?

My main concern with worrying about the family etc is the impact on my son's mental health. Are you aware of how many teenagers commit suicide? It's a very real fear. It's my job to do everything possible I can to remind him that he's loved wholeheartedly, even if it's just by me, his step-dad and his siblings.

@sheoaouhra "He is no different to hundreds of thousands of others" - Does this make it okay that there are a lot more poor kids in the same situation?

I saw three boys with coats, bags, electric bikes on a sunny day when I was at the park yesterday and no doubt in a similar situation. I just feel completely sorry for them.

Does the YJS have a CAHMs nurse attached too it?
Our local one does however I’m not sure if it’s universal offer or not….
if not could you look at a referral through to CAHMS? I know the waiting list can be huge but it’s worth getting that ball rolling.
it might feel like the end of the world for your son right now, but as long as he knows just how loved he is and there is light on the other side that will help him immensely. It’s just a blip in his story, one he can reflect on once he’s out the other side and he receives his referral order / YRO etc

You will need to move away to get him out of their clutches. A local boy became enmeshed, he and his family just disappeared, the For Sale sign went up after the house was empty and they had gone. It was a few years before son learned that he was ok, he'd changed his name, grown up, gone to uni and was making his way in life. Talk to your other children's father, your child's best chance is to move far away.