Would you see him as a victim? - Family unreasonable or am I being sensitive?

[Beachywave]

Long story short - my 16yo DS has been charged with supply of class A & class B (county lines situation).

He's in court in two weeks - he's pleading guilty but very clearly has not come about doing this on his own and there has been a situation of exploitation and coercion.

My family (his grandparents, aunts, uncles etc) want nothing to do with him and are treating him like a criminal. (Side note - they all smoke weed & drink alcohol, I do not).

AIBU to think they're all being hypocritical tw*ts and that it's actually extremely damaging to him that he's got no support from the people who are supposed to love him unconditionally?

Or should I accept they have their own opinions and that he has done wrong?

He's going to find it hard to extricate himself staying in the same location.

Completely agree. Children and teens used in this way are victims, not hardened criminals. It’s no wonder those at the higher end of the criminal ‘food chain’ escape justice- It’s all the 16 year olds fault for allowing himself to be exploited 🙄. I despair.

Your other children can move with you. It will be Incredibly hard for him to get out of this situation if he stays living where he is. He most likely get pulled back in.

Ignore the judgmental relatives and focus on your son.

Who advised him to plead guilty?
Does he have competent legal representation?
If not, what is your plan?

I'd be asking why he was in a situation where he became a target for gangs to use him in county lines? Is he isolated? Bullied? Has there been other issues in his life?
Did you notice signs before? County lines is exploration of children by entrapment it's not a case of oh I'll be a drug dealer your family need educating and understand that the weed they smoke comes through the same way some poor explored sod who starts carrying weed and gets trapped into bigger things.

Take them with you.

The people sanctimoniously blaming OP - about whom they know fuck all - should be aware that they could very easily find themselves in her position, or worse, at some point. We all do the best we can to raise our children with strong values, but we are very far from being the only influence on them; that is more true than it has ever been. Blaming the parents is a lazy and heartless cop-out.

OP the punishment aspect of this is going to be handled by the state - if he were my terrified, exploited teenager I would be surrounding him with unconditional love and support, and I would absolutely shut out anyone, family or otherwise, who felt it their place to be shitty to (or about) him.

And do be aware that there is a small but noisy contingent on MN who think that an occasional spliff makes you a junkie who needs to "get clean", and that tobacco smokers are ALL selfish, antisocial scumbags who shouldn't be allowed in public places. You won't get sensible or compassionate responses from those people.

It is hypocritical of your family. There is much more to it than a 16 year old being a criminal, you can commit a crime and still be a victim. I really feel for you, is there no way you can move away?.

Why would you have to abandon your other children? Surely you could all move away as a family?

I'd love to move away with him but I can't abandon my other children

You're living in a fantasy land if you think he will be able to continue living in the same neighbourhood and not either get back into drug dealing or suffer repercussions for stopping.

I know and it's such a hard situation because I can't take them away from their dad who is amazing but we're not together.

They can't go to two schools every week.

But of course I want what's best for my 16yo and I will do everything I can to keep him away from that life and those people.

I would suggest you get him to cooperate with the police to make sure the people who recruited him into drug dealing are dealt with too.

Is their dad the 16 year old’s dad?
They could go to a new school, no-one is suggesting they go to two schools. How old are your other children?

You could argue that anyone involved in crime is a victim of something but that mentality isn't going to help you or your son. He will be held accountable for his actions and hopefully it is a hard but effective lesson. Leave your family to crack on and yes, they sound hypocritical. Support your son as best you can

I feel so heard by this. Thank you so much for saying this.

We live in a nice area, I have a full time job, I have given him everything, he hasn't been subjected to any traumatic events or abuse or anything of the kind throughout his childhood.

I have still completely blamed myself as is human nature, however, this wasn't caused by me.

It's a living nightmare not close to a fantasy land.

Of course they are being hypocritical. Who do they think grows and distributes the drugs? They are creating demand for an item that creates more suffering in the world and are turning a blind eye to the fact that it’s vulnerable people like children and poor people who are trapped in this life.

If they are close to him/saw him regularly then they should be thinking that whether or not there were signs of him being involved in criminal activity because family should be looking out for each other and helping each other.

As for the unconditional love angle, I’m not convinced that everyone loves their whole family unconditionally. There are some crimes that I may not be able to forgive. They clearly don’t understand how easy it is to be trapped and how many kids (many much younger ) are frightened into helping the criminals. They probably imagine your son being like those idiots on social media flashing the cash and having a jolly good time with the proceeds when it wasn’t anything like that.

They’ve shown their true feelings so forget them and focus on your son. I think that your son is a victim and a criminal. His actions may have created more victims but he is young enough to turn things around if he wants to.

I’m very sorry for you and your son and hope that he is able to turn things around. 💐

You were very brave to bring this up on here where lots of people demand the right to casual drug taking as if it was harmless and fun.

Yes they are hypocrites.

IME those who fall into county lines are vulnerable in some way. That is how they are lured in and exploited. We've had police in school explain this to the older primary aged children. I'd look into that aspect OP to see if there is any way for you to protect your son going forward and keep him out of the gangs. I do know one teen that had to move away from home, on a temporary basis, just to break contact with gangs.

There are some woefully ignorant posts on this thread OP, by people who have no idea how county lines works. Yes your family members are hypocrites. I'm glad your son has your support and I echo that I hope he has good legal representation.

Thank you, this is the kind of balanced approach that was needed in order for me to sense check how I'm feeling.

The whole thing has been dragging on for weeks and I've been solely responsible for making sure he doesn't leave the house without me and not allowing him to see or speak to any of his friends which has been incredibly hard for both of us.
I've also had to try and hold down a job and be a good mum to the little ones whilst doing this alone.

Our family is usually very close and he spent a lot of time with his grandparents as a young child so this is why it's so hurtful.

My focus is just on getting him through this, supporting him with whatever outcome presents itself in court and moving on.

I've had a lot of bashing on here and I take the point that yes, what he did makes him a criminal and probably is my fault in some way but I've done my best! Unfortunately there are some evil people in the world using teenagers to do their dirty work.

That makes it harder but not impossible to move. Is he your 16 DS’s dad too? What are his thoughts of the situation?

I really don’t know how you can escape countylines without physically getting out of the situation.

I'm asking again: does he have competent legal representation?

This is absolutely vital. You cannot allow him to plead guilty - to what? - without counsel.

He has to plead guilty because there is evidence that he's done it.
For what reason he's done it (being scared, threatened etc) makes no difference.
He has however got a lot of positive reports from school and from the youth justice team who are advocating for him which will hopefully lead to a community order rather than a custodial sentence.

This also means he'll have a lot more support from services and possibly a curfew.

OP, I just want to express my heartfelt sympathy. How terrifying for you and your son.