Would you see him as a victim? - Family unreasonable or am I being sensitive?

[Beachywave]

Long story short - my 16yo DS has been charged with supply of class A & class B (county lines situation).

He's in court in two weeks - he's pleading guilty but very clearly has not come about doing this on his own and there has been a situation of exploitation and coercion.

My family (his grandparents, aunts, uncles etc) want nothing to do with him and are treating him like a criminal. (Side note - they all smoke weed & drink alcohol, I do not).

AIBU to think they're all being hypocritical tw*ts and that it's actually extremely damaging to him that he's got no support from the people who are supposed to love him unconditionally?

Or should I accept they have their own opinions and that he has done wrong?

Thank you so much. I think I've cried all the tears that can be cried.

@Beachywave - he may be guilty, but he should not plead guilty to all the charges without legal counsel. This case could ruin his life - you should get him a competent solicitor who can try to get him a plea bargain.

No judgement here on him being caught with drugs. Sounds like he is a victim.

However,. somewhere along the way you've dropped the ball and need to reflect on how/why. You also need to move him away from the situation. He needs to be your priority. I'd be talking to the other kids dad as a matter of urgency. I know it must be terrifying but inaction is not going to help him.

@Beachywave he put himself in that situation! he has been hanging around with the wrong crowd and going to places where he should not have been going. He is a criminal and you now have to get used to that. you dont just start selling and handling drugs without ever "doing" them yourself in the first place!

Pleading guilty to avoid naming names just puts him higher up the ranks. You need to move. Make sure you have cctv, good lighting and seal up your letterbox until you can move. As a PP said - you’re living kn a fantasy world if you think you can handle this and not move. Sorry but it goes way higher than you can imagine.

Would you say a girl put herself in that situation if she were groomed and exploited into committing sex crimes?

@PaminaMozart I have tried SO hard to get him to talk. He won't even talk to the solicitor! Trust me I have tried with everything I have.

I agree, this thread is ridiculous. The Rochdale teens were deemed child prostitutes and what happened to them described as lifestyle choice. By those who should been helping them- social workers, the police etc. Depressingly, it seems that the adults in our society just never learn when it comes to recognising how very vulnerable teenagers can be. This thread is testament to what a long way we still have to go.

We did move temporarily but nothing has happened since being home.

Moving is not an option at the moment. I have thought of everything honestly. It's a really easy thing to say if you're not in this situation.

I suggest everyone on this thread who doesn't understand county lines watches "Alfie's Story" on youtube. It's eye opening. County lines and child criminal exploitation is a huge issue in this country.

I don’t think at 16 you should expect support from wider family when committing criminal offences
and I think you’re focusing on entirely the wrong thing.

ofc if he’s being coerced you should be there for him, but I can understand why others aren’t, even if they’re hypocrites you can’t demand people are understanding that your son is dealing class a drugs.
focus on your child.

@Mockingjay123 exactly. That case was probably an exception as well because most girls are treated as victims whereas most boys are treated as criminals.

Nothing but sympathy from me OP, unfortunately I have no advice but I can absolutely understand how teenagers are susceptible to exploitation like this.

Helpful comment.
As if I'm not focusing on my child.

I didn’t say you weren’t. But your question is about how much his family are hypocrites
I just don’t think that’s an important concern right now, I’m saying let it go, even if it’s annoying and focus on what matters

If it wasn't so stupid it would be hilarious that your relatives take illegal drugs, and simultaneously refuse to have anything to do with someone who transports illegal drugs.
Do they think fairies deliver their drugs?? I know people can be delusional about the harm weed can do, but this is unbelievable hypocrisy.

I do agree, his only chance is moving a long way away

@Beachywave I am a single mum of a teen and young adults and I am aware that there is a big element of luck that they have never gone down that route. They had freedom to go out, walk to school and see their friends etc as teens should.

The person who said that he’s to blame for hanging around with the wrong crowd etc is talking bollocks. Of course you can end up being sucked in without being a drug user. The chance of easy money or a ready made friend group if you have none would be tempting to a vulnerable person.

You are right about the comparison to grooming gangs in Rochdale. If that poster hasn’t seen the excellent drama Three Girls then I highly recommend it.

I just want to say thank you for all the reassuring and supportive comments.

Understandably, a lot of comments blaming me as the parent as well but there's nothing that can be said that I haven't already beaten myself up for ten fold.

County lines is a very serious issue and the targeted child does not always come from a damaged background but often from normal loving families. They make the child believe that it's their idea and that they are doing it for themselves for the money but get pressured to do more and more and isolate them from their families.

As the parent, it's hard to distinguish between a teenager being a normal hormonal stroppy teenager not wanting to come to family outings to them not coming because they've been pressured into being somewhere else.

This could happen to any parent and judgement is not helpful.

He was coerced into it, and that will come out in the court. They are shocked and angry as I guess they'd be horrified if he ended up in prison. Or getting stabbed/shot etc.
Focus on getting him through this and making sure he's on the right path. He can explain things to them in time if he wants to, or they will come to see that everyone makes mistakes.
But for now you can't really change their views and if they're not being helpful just keep your distance for a little while.
Smoking weed as a professional adult is very different from selling crack and smack as a teen in a strange town, do don't expect them to immediately come round.

OP you are right, your family is hypocritical! Don't doubt your own feelings. They smoke weed and they are part of the problem, they support criminals by buying it!

Based on your family reaction, I think you need to ask yourself, who they really are? Do they have a fault in all this situation? Was it normal for your son to think smoking and selling weed is ok because of your family?

Your family acts like they never made a mistake in their life! When obviously they did:

1. They buy and smoke weed;
2. They have no empathy towards a 16 years old child who was coercive controlled and is actually a victim;
3. They have no shame in telling you they want nothing to do with your son now, while you're worried about your son and going through court!

My personal opinion is, your family is not only hypocritical but also cruel towards you. They could have bitten their tongue for now, support you and after the trial, talk with you about their feelings towards what your son did. Instead, they told you it up front and didn't care how it would make you feel! When you already feel low, have a hard time in your life and need family support.

Your son is only 16 years old, he's still a child! Everyone can make a mistake, especially at 16 years old! Especially if there's coercive control involved! Grown up adults do terrible things because of coercive control, a 16 years old, had nearly no chance of recognising it and getting away from it earlier!

I admire you for recognising and asking yourself what's your own fault in all of it. Instead of thinking you're the mother of the year and have no fault. It may be you have a fault, it may be you don't, that's something you need to think about in the future.

For now, try your best to support your son to get through it. You are a good mother by not giving up on your son and trying to help him. It seems you won't have your own family support while getting through it, which is sad. I hope you'll find support from someone else and you'll get through this hard time. Good luck.

Has he been criminally exploited. It sounds like it. Speak to the officers involved and see whether this scenario is relevant. I would also speak to your local Police Child Criminal Exploitation team if there is one. They will be able to signpost your son to support. The situation is clearly very serious. He could be looking at a custodial sentence. It’s important you get a support network in place for him and a good defence solicitor.

@WiseKhakiGoose you've summed the situation up perfectly.

This is precisely how I feel. All I'm doing is worrying about my son and what I can do better and they've told me point blank they want nothing to do with him.
They expected me to come for dinner today but leave him at home alone when he's currently not allowed to see or speak to anyone. As if I could do that to him! I haven't told him they've said that today because I know how heartbroken he'd be about it.

But then he's still a teenager who has spent most of the day in his room. So I'm stuck in this horrible lonely place by myself in the house (crying mostly).

I'm going to distance myself from them and get on with it alone for now. Thank you for your message.

This.

OP I am just sorry you are going through this.

I can understand your disappointment and hurt at your family's reaction. But I think all you can do about it is accept it and move forward supporting your son as best you can, while making sure you have support for yourself from wherever you can get it.

He wasn't selling smack or crack in a strange town. Not sure where you got that from.