Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Husband read daughter's diary and found some concerning things

200 replies

CheesyChipmunk · 09/04/2024 19:29

So my daughter who just turned 15 in March has recently started going out with a boy. She doesn't talk to us much about what's going on with her life and in particular has a bit of a rocky relationship with her dad. They clash quite a bit about her not helping with chores etc around the house or being on her phone too late. She feels we treat her too 'young' but doesn't always do her homework on time, struggles to get up for school etc.
A few weeks ago he went into her room to take up some clean laundry when she was out and he found her diary. We discussed that it was not a good idea to read it, but he did anyway. He's been concerned with how besotted she's been with this boy and today told me he's gone in her room again and read more and it seems that she's had unprotected sex with him last week on his 16th Birthday. We knew she was visiting him for his birthday but it was during the day and his mum was supposedly there.
He's then offloaded to me as he doesn't know what to do. This is her first relationship that we know about and as far as we know has only been going on for a couple of weeks. I feel it's really far to soon for this and really concerned about it being unprotected.
I don't know what to do from here though as if we talk to her directly about it she will likely realise that her dad has been reading her diary as there's no way otherwise we would know.
I don't want to erode the relationship between them even further, but equally don't want to ignore her choices
I appreciate that many teenagers will experiment and do things they know their parents wouldn't agree with and they will be none the wiser. However now I'm aware of risky behaviour I don't think I can just ignore it.
What do I do now?

OP posts:
Hoplittlebunnyhophophopandstop · 09/04/2024 19:30

She is 15 and in a relationship so you should be discussing sex with her anyway.

pinkyredrose · 09/04/2024 19:31

Found her diary did he? 🤔 No wonder they don't get on.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 09/04/2024 19:33

What do you do now? You have a very stern talk with your husband about privacy, respect and boundaries. You let him know that it is not okay to read somebody else’s private diary without consent and that he has been hugely unreasonable.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 09/04/2024 19:37

He needs to own up. He needs to say, ‘I am sorry dd, I read your diary, I shouldn’t have done it and I promise I will never do it again.’
If he follows through there is a chance he can rebuild the relationship one day.

Since it wasn’t you who betrayed her trust you have to have the conversation with her about the unprotected sex, but begin by making it clear you think what he did was wrong.

If a relationship is being damaged by deceit it’s not going to be improved by further deceit.

NotmyfirstRodeomyfriend · 09/04/2024 19:39

I'll just tell you this now. My parents did this to me when I was 15 and I have literally never forgiven them, I'm 40.

I would tread exceptionally carefully and if I were you, I'd be more concerned with why your daughter feels like this around her Dad. I work with young people, it is incredibly important to respect her privacy and of course whilst it's not ideal she's had underage sex, if you tell her you know, I think you'll push her even further away.

Itsrainingoverhere · 09/04/2024 19:40

Don’t ‘ own up’ to the diary reading … will make a huge deal out of something that doesn’t need a huge deal out of.
just have a conversation about safe sex as she’s started staying over there .

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/04/2024 19:40

Their relationship died the second he opened that book.

How utterly vile. I wonder how many other things he snoops through.

LTB. You’ll never relax again.

Sunquest · 09/04/2024 19:44

I don't think him reading her diary will do anything for their rocky relationship. In fact I think it will drive such a wedge between them their relationship will never recover. Just have a talk with her about safe sex and maybe tell her to hide her diary. Then tell your DH to bloody well respect his daughters privacy.

Sunquest · 09/04/2024 19:45

Itsrainingoverhere · 09/04/2024 19:40

Don’t ‘ own up’ to the diary reading … will make a huge deal out of something that doesn’t need a huge deal out of.
just have a conversation about safe sex as she’s started staying over there .

it is a huge deal though.

Itsrainingoverhere · 09/04/2024 19:47

Sunquest · 09/04/2024 19:45

it is a huge deal though.

Show quote history

If you’re 15 and you find out . If you don’t , then it’s not

Saschka · 09/04/2024 19:47

He probably isn’t her first boyfriend and they’ve probably been going out for much longer than she’s told you.

Do not own up to reading the diary, if you want her to ever speak to you again. Get her on some decent contraception “now she’s starting to have boyfriends”.

Medschoolmum · 09/04/2024 19:48

Well, if you're going to read people's private diaries, you've got to be prepared for the fact that you might read things that you would rather not have known.

I'm torn as to whether or not he should admit to your dd that he read it. Usually, I'm in favour of honesty and transparency, but there's a danger that it will finish not only their relationship but that it may destroy all of the trust that she has in either of you.

Re the unprotected sex...most parents would be having conversations with their dc around issues like contraception, safe sex, consent etc as soon as they are in relationships, so if you haven't done this already, you should be getting on with it pronto. Regardless of whether or not she knows that you've read the diary.

Excited101 · 09/04/2024 19:49

Don’t ever tell her he read it, it will ruin her.

Approach the unprotected sex as you would do regardless. Have a general discussion about her having a relationship and how lovely that is, but how important it is to proactive safe sex, etc. She won’t own up to it, but she’ll hear what you say, and that’s all that matters really. Support her, be open to hear her and tread carefully.

Sunquest · 09/04/2024 19:50

Itsrainingoverhere · 09/04/2024 19:47

If you’re 15 and you find out . If you don’t , then it’s not

Show quote history

So she carries on writing the diary and he carries on reading it. That is a huge deal.

LeoTheLeopard · 09/04/2024 19:50

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 09/04/2024 19:37

He needs to own up. He needs to say, ‘I am sorry dd, I read your diary, I shouldn’t have done it and I promise I will never do it again.’
If he follows through there is a chance he can rebuild the relationship one day.

Since it wasn’t you who betrayed her trust you have to have the conversation with her about the unprotected sex, but begin by making it clear you think what he did was wrong.

If a relationship is being damaged by deceit it’s not going to be improved by further deceit.

This is shockingly bad advice. He needs to keep his gob shut.

Is it possible she was planting details to try to “smoke you out?”

Given that she is at risk of pregnancy you need to deal with getting her some contraception pronto.

Your husband is an idiot, who has prioritised arguing over a tidy room over his relationship with his daughter. He needs to get a grip of his emotions but mostly just keep it zipped if he can’t be constructive.

Medschoolmum · 09/04/2024 19:50

I would add, there is a real issue here about your DH's lack of respect for your dd's privacy. I would be really wanting to have this out with him as it is concerning.

TheSnowyOwl · 09/04/2024 19:50

I'll just tell you this now. My parents did this to me when I was 15 and I have literally never forgiven them, I'm 40.

Same. At this rate your husband will look back on this rocky relationship as the best one he had because he’s completely betrayed her trust now. I’m not sure he can come back from this and I fully expect you will get plenty of blame in her eyes for enabling him.

Why didn’t you have all the right conversations with her years ago?

Curlyblondefemale · 09/04/2024 19:51

You can't let her know about the diary or she won't ever trust you. You're obviously too late but you need to make her aware of how to access contraception including the morning after pill. She's obviously under the age of consent but again it's too late, Have you spoke with her about not sending pictures and just general sex stuff around enthusiastic consent and respect?

LeafUsAlone · 09/04/2024 19:52

I never got over my diary being read - I have never fully trusted them in my home since.

Have a generic talk about safe sex with dd without mentioning the diary.
And tell dh to never ever invade her privacy again

Sweetheart7 · 09/04/2024 19:52

There's no way your DH can own up. OP don't you think its a bit twisted.... I mean can you actually imagine what he read? I mean why would you want to?

If you was to read it I don't feel as though it's as bad but something doesn't sit right. Why is her looking for her laundry? I suspect if this comes from your DH it would be the last straw! Tell him to keep his nose out OP.

Itsrainingoverhere · 09/04/2024 19:54

Sunquest · 09/04/2024 19:50

So she carries on writing the diary and he carries on reading it. That is a huge deal.

Show quote history

Where did I say ‘ keep reading it ?’

WinterMorn · 09/04/2024 19:54

This post has made me so angry. What a gross invasion of someone’s privacy. What exactly are you trying to teach your daughter OP?

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 09/04/2024 19:58

I would think discussing contraception might be a good first step. Better late than never.

Treacletoots · 09/04/2024 20:00

Oh dear. My mother used to do the same to me. I had absolutely fuck all privacy and left home at 15 to escape. Now in my late 40s I haven't spoken to her for 15 blissful years.

Anyway back to you. Surely you've had these conversations with your 15 year old, a long time ago?

My 7 year old asked me last week, what If you want to get married but not have a baby and I very factually explained contraception to her in an age appropriate way and will continue to do so as she grows up. No nonsense, no embarrassment. Surely you've had these discussions by now?

Gcsunnyside23 · 09/04/2024 20:09

Don't tell her you read the diary!! But I would have a nice chat about contraception and sex, say it's because she's got a bf and she's at an age where it might happen. She's already having sex, that horse has bolted, but she needs to use contraception

Swipe left for the next trending thread