Husband read daughter's diary and found some concerning things

[CheesyChipmunk]

So my daughter who just turned 15 in March has recently started going out with a boy. She doesn't talk to us much about what's going on with her life and in particular has a bit of a rocky relationship with her dad. They clash quite a bit about her not helping with chores etc around the house or being on her phone too late. She feels we treat her too 'young' but doesn't always do her homework on time, struggles to get up for school etc.
A few weeks ago he went into her room to take up some clean laundry when she was out and he found her diary. We discussed that it was not a good idea to read it, but he did anyway. He's been concerned with how besotted she's been with this boy and today told me he's gone in her room again and read more and it seems that she's had unprotected sex with him last week on his 16th Birthday. We knew she was visiting him for his birthday but it was during the day and his mum was supposedly there.
He's then offloaded to me as he doesn't know what to do. This is her first relationship that we know about and as far as we know has only been going on for a couple of weeks. I feel it's really far to soon for this and really concerned about it being unprotected.
I don't know what to do from here though as if we talk to her directly about it she will likely realise that her dad has been reading her diary as there's no way otherwise we would know.
I don't want to erode the relationship between them even further, but equally don't want to ignore her choices
I appreciate that many teenagers will experiment and do things they know their parents wouldn't agree with and they will be none the wiser. However now I'm aware of risky behaviour I don't think I can just ignore it.
What do I do now?

Can you point to where I ever said it was ok to read OP’s diary?

You haven’t actually read my posts properly.

It seem to you like a silly dig but you’re clearly not aware of the limits of your understanding.

I agree with this entirely - plus I would probably also quietly leave some condoms in her room, and make sure she knows how to access the local family planning clinic.

The problem with 'wait til your older' is no information is ever actually passed on.
Maybe explain why you suggest it's important to wait until your older, but as you're in a relationship, here's what u need to know...and so on. But 2 big topics to discuss is STD and how her pleasure is more important than her bf as it sounds like she's putting his idea of good sex before hers

Safe sex talks need to happen anyway, as do consent talks, comfort, photos etc, all chats that need to happen at that age

I got a heap of condoms and kept them in an accessible place for my dc to take as they needed them without having to ask or buy them

I would just say to her that you know she's been seeing this lad, and that she may wish to become sexually active and discuss the pill and condoms with her

@InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow This all sounds great for an older teen, but this girl has only just turned 15

So she's right to not like him
You should be discussing contraception/ relationships with her anyway..it's your job as a mum

Yep, I've been doing the talks on some level since maybe about 7/8 and condoms were in the bathroom from when my oldest was about 14yo.

As such I have a really open relationship with my kids, the ones who have had sex have discussed it with me openly.

The groundwork needs to be laid from pretty young to encourage communication, and so they aren't embarrassed talking about it.

Op hasn't taken that route, and, as such, has a daughter making daft mistakes and not taking to her Mum, or asking advice, or for contraception.

It's really, really daft to think that a 15yo with a boyfriend of that type of intensity wouldn't be having sex tbh.

What an idiotic thing to do. He can't disclose this to your daughter and neither can you. I wouldn't have sat there and allowed him to offload to me about it though, why did you do that?

Both of you need to keep schtum about the diary, you have no choice really. It's a huge betrayal of trust and there's no graceful way of retreat. You'll have to both stew until time has passed and you can suggest contraception - as PP advises - now that your daughter is having boyfriends.

Never, ever mention the diary. Just don't. Your husband needs to know in no uncertain terms that he doesn't get to do this, not if he wants to keep a relationship with his daughter.

Reading someone's private diary is an absolute violation. A truly awful thing to do. Far, far worse than anything your daughter has done. don't be ridiculous. Reading a diary is not good but it's not the end of the world. This situation can be salvaged if handled properly without it ruining people's lives

And what about what has been done to her?
You don't know that anything has 'been done' to her

She’s aware of safe sex so how did she end up having unprotected sex?
Along with many other impetuous teens who get carried away in the moment. And plenty of adults who definitely should know better.

My parents used to snoop in my things and it’s permanently damaged our relationship. I also don’t keep a diary as a result cause I couldn’t trust that it wouldn’t be read. This is a huge betrayal of trust.

No! Never do this?! She doesn’t even know! Just keep your mouths shut and separately have a mum/daughter sex talk because she’s in a relationship. And offer to take her to doc to go on pill. And give her some sti advice like oral sex can pass on (no matter what your imbecile mates say), etc.

do not fess up to something you don’t need to! Why break her trust when you could just shut the hell up

Agree that you need to read DH the riot act and make sure he understands that if DD ever finds out about him reading her diary she may never forgive him.

As for DD, I think I'd leave it a couple of weeks then take her out for the day, bit of shopping and lunch, and while out steer the chat towards boys and relationships. Let her know that you know she understands what safe sex is etc but let her know you're there for her, confidentially, if she has any concerns. Drop it in casually that teenage boys can be selfish to get what they want and don't necessarily put girls' needs or safety first. Tell her how damaging abortions can be and that her health is more important than keeping a boyfriend happy.

If she is resistant to talking then fine, but she needs to understand that she's likely to have many boyfriends before she meets anyone she's likely to settle down with, so taking care of herself is the most important thing.

Yes of course it is intrusive and controlling for anyone to snoop through anyone's phone. However the world is not straight forward. My husband lied to me for 2 years about an affair he was having. He gas lighted me, he constantly said he wasn't having an affair, wasn't in places where I knew he was, that I was crazy. I the end i got into his phone one night when he left the double security off and found that, guess what, he was having an affair. Actually he was having two!! Now of course i should have had the courage of my convictions and 'just left' when I suspected but when you are in a 15 year marriage and gradually told you are the crazy one, it's not that easy. I stand by what I did as I was being driven crazy by the lies. I am in a new relationship now and would never look in his phone or on anything. But then he leaves his phone open, I know his code, he hands his phone to me to look at something interesting etc. All things my ex would never ever do! People have an inherent right to privacy, but not when they are gaslighting others, or actually where they may be in danger. A councillor wont divulge your information unless they think you or someone else is in inherent danger. So a parent can and should look at child's phone or internet history but it is such a fine line they need to be very very careful that the need overrides the invasion.

OP, this makes me really uncomfortable.
Your daughter's father is reading about her sexual activity. He found her diary and looked for that information. Why?
Is he getting off on what he's read?
I think you need to keep your eyes and ears open.

Would you rather not read it and your child potentially take risks and find themselves pregnant at 15?

You don’t have to admit reading it now that you have and ruin the relationship. Have words with the dh and avoid it in future but knowing what you know you can now avoid an unprotected sex problem. Don’t see how leaving th husband would help anything.

This is so far fetched it’s unbelievable.

“worried about my daughter having unprotected sex and her dad reading a diary (not knowing what would be in there) “
THEREFORE HE MUST BE A PERVERT PRAYING ON HIS DAUGHTERS SEX LIFE FOR THRILLS

Remember when people used to give good advice on here. F**king hell.

Me too.

What a dilemma!
Your daughter is 15 and in a relationship so you should be having open discussions about sex and healthy relationships and the importance around keeping herself safe generally including safe sex. I don't think she would be alarmed if you raised these discussions with her - that's perfectly natural. Underage sex is not what we want for our 15 year old daughters but education is the key to them developing healthy ideas. Everyone experiments at her age - it's something we cannot avoid, you should need to make sure those conversations are open and she can come to you and talk.

In respect of your husband, you need to talk to him about privacy and boundaries because he has no right to read her private thoughts. Neither of you should tell her that you've read her diary - it will shatter her and especially her relationship with her father. That will traumatize her and it could take years for her to truly trust you both. I would keep it between yourselves whilst having the conversations I have suggested above. Your husband needs to agree the same and not blurt it out when he is upset with her one day too which you run the risk of.

One of those times it socks to be a parent. Would it make a difference if he'd said your just 15 daughter was considering suicide? Would you have told him off and let it go?

She's just 15 and is having unprotected sex with a boyfriend. May of may not have been the first time. As it was his birthday I suspect it was planned and despite knowing the risks just didn't bother.

Talk to her about sex by all means but take her to the doctor and get her on the pill as she's probably going to continue and otherwise it may be a baby by the time she's 16. Be a cool mum and let her know it's OK to bring her boyfriend back to her room as you want her to be safe but she needs to keep up the contraception.

That poor girl. Her respect for her DF is about to be destroyed and her sense of privacy and freedom is about to feel violated. She will never, ever confide in either of you again now.

My DF did this and I never told either of them a single word of anything in my life - trivial or otherwise - ever again

Oh pleeeeease share what the GP receptionist/s said? Please!

I think it's a huge violation. I doubt the diary entry was just "March 22nd - had sex."

It probably has many details about how it went including her most intimate thoughts and feelings.

He's basically had a front row seat to his DD losing her virginity, without her consent. She'll feel absolutely humiliated when she finds out.

No, it isn't.
He was in his daughter's room 'looking for laundry'. That's normal? No. She's fifteen, far too old for her daddy to be rifling through her underwear.
He read her diary. That's normal? No. He does not have the normal boundaries of respect for his fifteen year old daughter and her privacy. He knew she had a boyfriend. He knew what he was looking for.
Her diary contained details of her sexual activity. He spoke of this to her mother. Someone upthread said he continued to read, I didn't spot that but maybe so. That's normal? No. 'Normal' would have been to think 'Oh God, what am I doing', put the diary down, leave, say nothing.
Two possible reasons for his behaviour...

1. Overly controlling. Sees daughter as his possession who should not be available to other men.
2. Getting sexual thrills from reading about her activities.

Innocent little daddy wanting to protect his baby against making mistakes isn't a possibility here. He's overstepped the mark so far that everything he does in future should be questioned.

May not have been losing her virginity. For all we know she may have been sexually active for some time. What we do know is that she went around on his birthday with the intention of having sex so all the education about safe sex were ignored.

It's also interesting to know that on mumsnet men who do the family laundry are pervs.

@StopStartStop "He was in his daughter's room 'looking for laundry'. That's normal? No. She's fifteen, far too old for her daddy to be rifling through her underwear."

Oh do give over. You're being ridiculous. There's nothing abnormal about a father going into his children's bedrooms to pick up laundry. The fact she's a 15 yo girl is irrelevant. He's not rifling through her underwear for thrills.

Of course it's a breach of trust to read her diary, we all agree on that. But to suggest he's getting a sexual kick from it is absurd. You have no evidence for that and are, I suspect, massively projecting.

He's not rifling through her underwear for thrills.
No? How do you know that?