Husband read daughter's diary and found some concerning things

[CheesyChipmunk]

So my daughter who just turned 15 in March has recently started going out with a boy. She doesn't talk to us much about what's going on with her life and in particular has a bit of a rocky relationship with her dad. They clash quite a bit about her not helping with chores etc around the house or being on her phone too late. She feels we treat her too 'young' but doesn't always do her homework on time, struggles to get up for school etc.
A few weeks ago he went into her room to take up some clean laundry when she was out and he found her diary. We discussed that it was not a good idea to read it, but he did anyway. He's been concerned with how besotted she's been with this boy and today told me he's gone in her room again and read more and it seems that she's had unprotected sex with him last week on his 16th Birthday. We knew she was visiting him for his birthday but it was during the day and his mum was supposedly there.
He's then offloaded to me as he doesn't know what to do. This is her first relationship that we know about and as far as we know has only been going on for a couple of weeks. I feel it's really far to soon for this and really concerned about it being unprotected.
I don't know what to do from here though as if we talk to her directly about it she will likely realise that her dad has been reading her diary as there's no way otherwise we would know.
I don't want to erode the relationship between them even further, but equally don't want to ignore her choices
I appreciate that many teenagers will experiment and do things they know their parents wouldn't agree with and they will be none the wiser. However now I'm aware of risky behaviour I don't think I can just ignore it.
What do I do now?

I don’t think it is odd that a dad goes and collects his kids dirty washing to wash it, in fact we have a multitude of posts on mumsnet complaining that the washing is left to the mothers and dad does nothing. Nobody said anything about “riffling through her underwear” … other than you. You are the worry on this post. Get some help.

You are the worry on this post. Get some help.
Nonsense. I'm a mother, grandma, former teacher, sometime campaigner for protection of children and women... no. I'm not wrong. Or, if I am, good. But I wouldn't let him near any daughter of mine.

No where on what I have posted has there been any suggestion of DH 'rifling through underwear'. In my original post I mentioned him delivering a pile of clean washed clothing to her room. He picked up a pile of what looked like school books from the floor and found her diary.
We all know he should have left it exactly as it was and certainly not opened it, but he looked inside, concerned because our daughter was being very low and self depreciating, saying she was ugly, useless etc.. he was concerned about possible self harm.

That was before this boy was even on the scene.

He is worried about DD and the way her behaviour and mood has been so up and down, spending a lot of time holed up in her room. Again it was completely out of order that he went looking for her diary now but did not expect for a minute to read what was written there.

He is a great, hands on, perhaps overprotective father, who gets the brunt of trying to enforce appropriate boundaries eg phones out of bedrooms at 10pm on school nights. Dd will protest and call him names etc if there's anything she doesn't want to do.

He is struggling with his little girl growing up and behaving so differently than she did a couple of years ago when she was happy-go-lucky and sociable with all the family.

Again, I can not and will not excuse or condone what he did, but he was understandably concerned about her wellbeing and mental health. Not beeing a creep.

I understand why you would maintain that position. And, you know him, I don't. But you know enough now to be alert.

He is a total creep and I have no idea why you are defending such repugnant behaviour. It’s not over protection that caused this, but him massively overstepping and violating your dd.

I couldn’t forgive this and there is no way I would put up with it! Jesus. It’s disgusting- it’s your dds first sexual encounters not cake recipes! It’s really sick.

You know she has a boyfriend so surely the contraception conversations should have happened ( and in fact have been happening over the past few years ). With regards his invading her privacy that's awful and I advise not telling her that bit and carefully considering your own relationship.

I do appreciate that I was maybe naive, but can you honestly say that the first time your barely 15 year old daughter says " can I go to the cinema to see kung-fu panda 4" with a boy - (yes that was their first date just a couple of weeks ago) that you would turn round and say, "yes darling and by the way, here's a box of condoms in case you want to sleep with him"

He doesn't live locally do I don't think a physical relationship has been going on for ages behind my back, although I don't know exactly how long they've been chatting

We have spoken about sex ed in the past, although at that stage she was shy and embarrassed about the conversation and said she knew everything she needed to know at the time.

I really do want to know from parents who have navigated the teenage years themselves at what stage you would have spoken to your daughters seriously about contraception because a fortnight after their first date with the first boyfriend they've told us about was not on my radar.

I really do want to know from parents who have navigated the teenage years themselves at what stage you would have spoken to your daughters seriously about contraception because a fortnight after their first date with the first boyfriend they've told us about was not on my radar.

It needs to be on the radar before that surely. And certainly when they first meet.

I drummed it into mine because I think the theoretical knowledge taught at school is easily forgotten or misinterpreted and teens are prone to picking up myths from other teens.

I don’t think this conversation is just about contraception but also about consent. I wouldn’t assume the only explanation is that she got “carried away” with hormones. Many girls end up doing stuff sexually when they’re young they didn’t intend or want - particularly when besotted and want to impress the boy, aren’t good with confrontation etc.

I lead on pshe and rse at school and we teach year 7s about the basics of condoms. I'm afraid waiting until 15 is a little naive, although I appreciate you may not like that fact.

Nothing else to add except im 38 next month and still haven't forgiven my mother for reading my diary in 2001.

Why do you think she read it?

presumably out of concern?

unless she is a mean nosey bitch who read it for kicks?

most mums would have done it out of concern and love.

op - I would say to your dd - dd I understand you are in a relationship - if you get to a stage when you are 16 and thinking of having sex, please come to me and we will sort out contraception and STI protection.

im wondering if she wrote it deliberately for someone to find.

I'd be trying to work out if she is on the pill and if not when her period was. She could be pregnant. Not cool

' I really do want to know from parents who have navigated the teenage years themselves at what stage you would have spoken to your daughters seriously about contraception because a fortnight after their first date with the first boyfriend they've told us about was not on my radar'
*
That conversation should have happened several years ago.*

We started at 12 - not because they were remotely sexually active or interested, but because it gave us a few years of dripping it in gently so they had a full education by the time they were 14/15. This included anal sex and the dangers, pressure around hair, porn, being filmed, photos. Absolutely no stone was unturned. We role played situations of being pressured. We discussed the implications and mechanics of abortion.

We have a very open relationship and they talk to me about most things.

OP, I'm sorry but you are attempting to justify his actions by minimising it as him being overprotective. It's more than that: it's a sense of ownership over your daughters most private thoughts and experiences. Saying "but he was concerned" does not even come close to explaining such a gross overstepping of boundaries.

I don't think I've ever been on a thread where OP mentions snooping on their husbands private things ?

"but he looked inside, concerned because our daughter was being very low and self depreciating, saying she was ugly, useless etc.. he was concerned about possible self harm"

Can I just say as a mental health professional this is absolutely not the way you should address concerns like this as it can make the situation worse
Many teens self harm because they feel out of control in their lives... their self esteem is low etc
Going through someone's personal diary will only exacerbate those feelings. It can be incredibly psychologically damaging. A diary should be someone's safe space to work through difficult feelings. It's actually quite a healthy outlet. To have that violated and raked over would have a very bad effect. Teenagers need space in which they can work through their darkest thoughts and be honest and open. Taking that away from them by making it not private any more does not get rid of those types of thoughts it just makes it much harder for the young person to deal with them. It will make them feel ashamed and like they have no control over their own lives... which exacerbates self harm and low self esteem.

No!!!

Just have a chat with her generally and say it's been brought about by the fact she now has a boyfriend!

No it's about a teenager writing in her diary that she has had unprotected sex.

@CheesyChipmunk

Is there any update as to how things went with talking to your daughter?

Regards naïveté, I was sexually active to some extent from 13, lost my virginity at 14. My mum had me on the pill from 13 due to periods… I thought, but perhaps also contraception. I was getting free condoms from a sexual health clinic from 13, though I didn’t need them until 14+.

Based on the above, I will be having sex Ed conversations early with DC and ensuring they are provided with contraception well ahead of time.

Legal age of consent is 16 so 15 isn’t that far away from sex being considered a regular and appropriate part of life.

So I had a chat with my daughter, did not mention anything about the diary at all, but just based it on the fact she had a boyfriend and so we needed to talk through some things in case she was thinking about sex, or maybe was even having sex already. She said that nothing had happened and she wasn't even thinking about that, so didn't want to talk about options such as the pill / implant. I have bought her a box of condoms, with the 'better to have them just in case' scenario.
I don't think I have a particularly bad relationship with my daughter, we talk in general about her life, she tells me she loves me daily (as I do her) and we'll go to the shops together etc.
But she's either not written the truth in her diary or is hiding the truth from me now.

Either way, you have done the right thing in my judgement.

@CheesyChipmunk

you’ve done all you can and left the door open regards pill/implant etc, also maybe give her a book on it/stis and how to stay healthy.. keep communication open.

Very possible she’s had an overactive imagination and no way you could tell really.

Something like this might be useful, goes beyond sex and stis to talking about what healthy relationships are, consent and so forth.

https://amzn.eu/d/2c56XwE

She doesn't need to tell you though, does she? I certainly never told my mum these things.
Give her details on where to obtain free condoms (I think pharmacies give them for free to <25s), sexual health clinics websites, some areas do free STI testing by post. Prepare her to look after herself, rather than have to come to you. Give her this link for a good overview www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/where-can-i-get-sexual-health-advice-now/