Husband read daughter's diary and found some concerning things

[CheesyChipmunk]

So my daughter who just turned 15 in March has recently started going out with a boy. She doesn't talk to us much about what's going on with her life and in particular has a bit of a rocky relationship with her dad. They clash quite a bit about her not helping with chores etc around the house or being on her phone too late. She feels we treat her too 'young' but doesn't always do her homework on time, struggles to get up for school etc.
A few weeks ago he went into her room to take up some clean laundry when she was out and he found her diary. We discussed that it was not a good idea to read it, but he did anyway. He's been concerned with how besotted she's been with this boy and today told me he's gone in her room again and read more and it seems that she's had unprotected sex with him last week on his 16th Birthday. We knew she was visiting him for his birthday but it was during the day and his mum was supposedly there.
He's then offloaded to me as he doesn't know what to do. This is her first relationship that we know about and as far as we know has only been going on for a couple of weeks. I feel it's really far to soon for this and really concerned about it being unprotected.
I don't know what to do from here though as if we talk to her directly about it she will likely realise that her dad has been reading her diary as there's no way otherwise we would know.
I don't want to erode the relationship between them even further, but equally don't want to ignore her choices
I appreciate that many teenagers will experiment and do things they know their parents wouldn't agree with and they will be none the wiser. However now I'm aware of risky behaviour I don't think I can just ignore it.
What do I do now?

IKR.

My thoughts:

• she is 15 and you know she has a boyfriend so you should have discussed contraception and healthy relationships with her a long time ago. Do it now but don't mention the diary
• what your partner did was inappropriate and unacceptable. They already had a poor relationship and if she finds out it will be the end of that relationship.

Frankly I would be concerned that he felt entitled to read her intimate thoughts although she has already shown she did not want to open up to him in real life. To me it feels like a real violation of trust and of her privacy.

Just have a conversation with her along the lines of you are in a new relationship that you seem very happy with lets have a chat about contraception. Have a conversation about it, if she is adamant that she wants to be having sex speak about the pill, implant etc. The absolute worst thing you could do is go in combative and giving her a row as the walls will go up and this is such a crucial age where she is likely to have questions as there will be a lot of firsts. I was sleeping with my boyfriend at 15 and was lucky to have a mum who took the approach above. I was still sensible, didn't have a child until 27. You will never approve of 100% of the decisions your child makes but you also need to give them the space in life to make mistakes in order to learn from them.

My mum read my diary when I was 15 and discovered similar. It took me years to forgive her.

Don't tell her you read her diary. You tell her that as she seems to be getting serious, you want to have the chat about protection and whether she would like to go on the pill etc.

And your DD was having unprotected sex at 15?

And you say you are raising it now with her because you understand that although she knows you believe she should wait, you also weren't born yesterday and that she may make her own decision. It's a shame she felt she couldn't tell you so make sure you don't sound like you are judging her.

It would be helpful if you read the thread as OP makes clear she has discussed safe sex.

Bottom line is - either DD was coerced, or she found that all the principles she had been taught hard to put in practice in real life - which is very common. When it came to the crunch she either had a naive beliefs around not getting pregnant which teens can hold despite their sex education, or she didn’t have the courage to advocate for contraception or even not having sex.

How many adult women on here report being coerced into sexual stuff they don’t want? Because they say they don’t like confrontation or just went along with it etc? If adult women can’t always do it it’s hardly a surprise when it happens to a teen.

Your dh has totally violated your dd privacy, and I would be incandescent with rage that he could continue doing so!
It’s coming across as pervy and completely inappropriate. In your position I would be asking him to leave. I would no longer consider him to be a safe person around my teenage dd.

My mother was an absolute expert at 'finding' private things. She was also very good at steaming letters open ( and resealing) whilst the recipient was at college and hadn't even seen it yet. She was also incredibly good at taking a photographic image in her head of exactly how she found anything private so that she could replace it in precisely the same way. I suspect this aspect of invading someone else's privacy will have been lost on your husband and your daughter will know very well that her things have been moved and read.

To be clear I think the relationship between your dh and dd is over, perhaps indefinitely and you owe it to your dd not to cover for his disgusting actions and bring it out into the open or you stand to lose her as well.

I can’t believe he is reading his underage teenage dds first sexual encounters and continuing to do so (with you enabling him with your silence) and you are harping on about unprotected sex! That’s the least of your worries here op.

You seem to be unaware of the harm you are causing.

if she’s on her phone too late, you take it from her and have a no phones In bedrooms rule after a certain time.

if she isn’t helping around the house with age appropriate chores you don’t give her pocket money, lifts to places to meet friends etc. she needs to earn those privileges.

If you know she has a boyfriend you should be an open safe space for your daughter to discuss sex and everything that comes with it. Protection, consent etc.

reading her diary is unforgivable and no wonder she has a testing relationship with you both.

I agree it’s an invasion of privacy

but in the big scheme of things a 15 year ending up pregnant by a new relationship trump any issues about reading a diary

Exactly…where is the privacy

May also be worth reminding her that while she's under 16 sex with a 16 year old is still an offence (for him). She needs to wait and make sure she's ready (contraception etc)

Should be having the chat but not going through her things no way

It's not an offence if he's a similar age

So this thread isn’t about your DM.

It’s about a teen who may or may not have been coerced in unprotected sex, and may or may not be pregnant/have an STI as a result.

As someone whose innocent 1970 diary as a 12 yr old, was read by my father, who discovered I had gone to the cinema with my sister, after he had "thrown" her out of our family home... she was 24 and my father was a nasty piece of work. I stopped keeping a diary and it solidified my knowledge that when he pulled the stunts he had pulled on my older siblings, I knew I would not roll over.

Obviously, you need to have another conversation about safe sex, give her condoms for "if" she is thinking about having sex and ask if she thinks it might be a good idea to start using contraception in case she gets caught up in the throes of the moment. I would also consider offering her a lock on her door to preserve her privacy and validate the trust you have in her to take her own decisions and more importantly to keep her father out.

As to your husband, I would be asking myself what has he looked at that is private and personal to you...

Are you sure it was your husband that read the diary? 🤔

The age of consent is 16.

The Sexual Offences Act 2003 lists offences relating to rape and sexual activity a child under 13 and under 16.

Where 2 children engage in consensual sexual activity, an offence can potentially be made out - but if the children are of a similar age the police don’t generally involve themselves unless evidence of exploitation or abuse.

Reading someone's private diary is an absolute violation. A truly awful thing to do. Far, far worse than anything your daughter has done.

And what about what has been done to her?

She’s aware of safe sex so how did she end up having unprotected sex?

Actually, the fact that it was a paper diary is potentially relevant.

How much of the diary had been written in?

If not much, it might have been planted for her nosy dad to find as a test.

Regardless, you need to have a talk about contraception, and you need to decide how to answer if she asks you outright why and/or if she asks if you or her dad has read her diary.

He's put you in an awful position, TBH.

It's easy to forget how horny girls are at fifteen - it's not just the boys - and how easy it is to get carried away. I know from experience.

That has nothing to do with what her father has done.

This is a bit much. Settle down will you.

The diary is private but faced with the opportunity of knowledge of what’s going on in my daughters life I probably would choose to see it and her not know I’ve seen it too. Human nature is curious.

Since she’s started a new relationship just use it as a chance to have a conversation about safe sex “because she’s older now” and don’t mention the diary.

Have a private word with your dh about the way he is risking his relationship with her. He needs to pick his battles carefully at this age.