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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Husband read daughter's diary and found some concerning things

200 replies

CheesyChipmunk · 09/04/2024 19:29

So my daughter who just turned 15 in March has recently started going out with a boy. She doesn't talk to us much about what's going on with her life and in particular has a bit of a rocky relationship with her dad. They clash quite a bit about her not helping with chores etc around the house or being on her phone too late. She feels we treat her too 'young' but doesn't always do her homework on time, struggles to get up for school etc.
A few weeks ago he went into her room to take up some clean laundry when she was out and he found her diary. We discussed that it was not a good idea to read it, but he did anyway. He's been concerned with how besotted she's been with this boy and today told me he's gone in her room again and read more and it seems that she's had unprotected sex with him last week on his 16th Birthday. We knew she was visiting him for his birthday but it was during the day and his mum was supposedly there.
He's then offloaded to me as he doesn't know what to do. This is her first relationship that we know about and as far as we know has only been going on for a couple of weeks. I feel it's really far to soon for this and really concerned about it being unprotected.
I don't know what to do from here though as if we talk to her directly about it she will likely realise that her dad has been reading her diary as there's no way otherwise we would know.
I don't want to erode the relationship between them even further, but equally don't want to ignore her choices
I appreciate that many teenagers will experiment and do things they know their parents wouldn't agree with and they will be none the wiser. However now I'm aware of risky behaviour I don't think I can just ignore it.
What do I do now?

OP posts:
AlohaOptima · 10/04/2024 01:33

Don’t admit to reading the diary and make sure your husband is clear that it never ever happens again.

The fact she has a boyfriend is the perfect excuse to bring up contraception and have a talk around safe sex in general.

Wakemeup17 · 10/04/2024 02:29

Itsrainingoverhere · 09/04/2024 19:40

Don’t ‘ own up’ to the diary reading … will make a huge deal out of something that doesn’t need a huge deal out of.
just have a conversation about safe sex as she’s started staying over there .

Reading someone else's diary is a huge deal and an enormous breach of privacy wtf?

FlamingoFloss · 10/04/2024 02:37

So he read her diary, not once, but twice. Just no. This is such a massive invasion of privacy and is not ok on any level.
this is not ok and you going along with this will only push your daughter away further

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/04/2024 03:34

Def shouldn't have read diary

But dd doesn't know rbet so maybe done tell her and make sure dh does f again

But

If 15 and a bf you should be having a chat about sex and contraception

Geppili · 10/04/2024 03:56

Your husband is a snooping dick!

cerisepanther73 · 10/04/2024 04:53

@CheesyChipmunk

Just have a conversation about consential sex what it is and what coercive sex and the difference between healthy and unhealthy relantships look like too,

I really do think your husband crossed a boundary looking in her diary too,

but do get why he was tempted 🤔 to do this though too..

sashh · 10/04/2024 05:04

I thought someone was reading my diary as a teen.

So I wrote things in it that would upset the person reading it or prompt a response.

I agree that if she has a bf then you should be having a conversation about relationships, sex, consent, contraception, STDs - you get the idea.

Dogball · 10/04/2024 06:28

Yes the diary is a major issue but people seem to be glossing over the fact that she’s had unprotected sex and could be pregnant / have an STI. I’d be frantic.

BatteryPoweredPeacock · 10/04/2024 07:05

The but that gets me is that he read it, you had a conversation about how that was a bad idea but he still went back and read it again.

He's going to keep doing that so you should tell her he's was it. She can then hide it somewhere else or take it out if my one etc and protect her privacy. Otherwise he'll just keep going back and reading more.

Kbroughton · 10/04/2024 07:15

The OP has said she has spoken about safe sex before. There is a world of difference between knowing about safe sex and saying no in practice. There won't be many teenagers that don't know about safe sex (or people in general) yet people keep doing it. I disagree with almost everyone on here. The diary has been read and I think that needs owned up to for a number of reasons. 1. The husband read the diary twice. He needs to own this and the consequences of the damage done. From what you have said I think he'll do it again 'for her own good'. And if he does this who knows what other invasions of privacy he will do. If the relationship with his daughter is irretrievabley damaged then that's the consequence. But if he handles it right it doesn't have to be. If he is genuinely remourseful and uses it as a way to express how sad he is their relationship is bad there may be a chance. In any case. He did it. And covering it up won't help. 2. There's a chance she will know anyway by either planting information in there (ie the sex isn't real) or by how she left it. She may suspect and ask you and then what will you do? Lie and be complicit? Or tell the truth and upset her further knowing you weren't going to tell her and then also allowing your husband to be annoyed at you. 3. You can't unknow what you know. That's one of the problems with looking at stuff you shouldn't. You know. You have to act on that as a safeguarding thing and talking around it won't help. If you have a general chat she won't add it up and every time she goes out you'll think the worst. And then be more directive and she'll find out anyway. Its terrible and a crap situation but it's not yours to solve. Your husband did this and needs to take ownership of his actions and you need to limit the damage. Ostrich syndrome won't help and in general the truth in the end is always better than lying. While in the short term she will be angry and devastated in the medium to longer term hopefully she can see that you tried to help.

PegasusReturns · 10/04/2024 07:23

We discussed that it was not a good idea to read it, but he did anyway

This is not the type of thing you “discuss”.

you tell your DH that reading anyone’s diary is vile behaviour and a gross breach of trust.

you have both failed your daughter appallingly, no wonder she has a terrible relationship with her dad and hides things from you both.

landscapepainter · 10/04/2024 07:28

Don't tell her you read the diary.

Talk to her about contraception and safe sex, as a general discussion now that she is in a more 'serious' relationship.

Don't invade her privacy or read her diary again. Ever.

Like some other posters on this thread, my mother read my diary and rummaged through my room when I was 17 and I have never forgiven her.

Robinni · 10/04/2024 07:32

You lie and say you had a conversation with a friend/work colleague about their daughter who’s just become pregnant at 15, it’s really worried you, her life plans are destroyed and so on.. You don’t want to pry but you’ve noticed she’s seeing more of bf and you want to get contraception sorted for her.

Hand her a big box of condoms and book a doctors appointment to discuss the pill asap. When she gets the pill supervise her taking it appropriately like say in the morning at breakfast hand it out until she is a bit older.

Personally, I would have had this chat at 13 and have been sorting contraception at the first whiff of a serious bf as well as discussing with the boy’s parent open door policy.

Mrttyl · 10/04/2024 07:34

It is exactly the sort of thing that my friends and I would have written in our diary if we found out our parents were looking in it. Teenagers are aware that parents snoop. They frequently get hauled in and told off for sending messages that some parent has seen and complained about. Even if they are not involved they hear about it. They also peak into each others personal stuff so are aware of the risk of leaving notes or diaries lying around. She may have made it up to wind you up. On the other hand teenagers are also capable of having unprotected sex. The only thing you can do is get her some condoms and stop reading her diary.

tiggergoesbounce · 10/04/2024 07:36

Don't tell her DH read her diary. No good will come of it for anyone involved. Your DD will be embarrassed and mortified for years, and angry.

But you do need to protect your DD sexual health.

The conversation could be as easy as

look now your relationship with "bf" has continued a while and he has now turned 16 he may start asking you to have to have sex with him, please don't feel pressured to do so if you don't want, it's best to wait until you have been together a little while longer and if he respects you, he will understand and wait. Here are some condoms incase you go against this advice.(hand over condoms) Please be safe and we can get you on the pill if this is a route you are going to take, but please know you can talk to me about anything without judgment your a my DD I love you and just want what's best for you xx

Along those lines.

Robinni · 10/04/2024 07:36

Oh yeah, introduce her to the concept of STIs/STDs…

Ilovecashews · 10/04/2024 07:46

I would tell my dd that her father has read her diary so that she can put it away elsewhere/in a lockable cupboard.
Your husband’s actions don’t deserve your loyalty, your dd’s privacy needs to be protected. If she finds out you are going to be in so much trouble. And she will, because your stupid husband will not stop reading it now that he found the juicy bits. I’m so angry on her behalf.

171513mum · 10/04/2024 08:02

I'm amazed how many people are more outraged about DH reading the diary than about the child being at risk of pregnancy STDs. Sometimes parents need to protect teenagers from themselves and that trumps their privacy. I would say in situations where the teens behaviour could be dangerous for them eg anorexia, drug dealing, unprotected sex, sexual abuse, bullying, it is absolutely vital the parents find out what is going on even when the teen is keeping it secret. In my opinion if more parents stopped defending the kids' absolute 'right to privacy' it would solve a lot of problems.

Absolutely nothing good can come of telling her he read it. Some good can come of having frank conversations with her about safe sex, pregnancy tests and abortion, given thatshe us in a relationship. And I would be keeping a very close eye on when she has her period in order to step in quickly if she's late rather than let her procrastinate out of fear.

Medschoolmum · 10/04/2024 08:12

171513mum · 10/04/2024 08:02

I'm amazed how many people are more outraged about DH reading the diary than about the child being at risk of pregnancy STDs. Sometimes parents need to protect teenagers from themselves and that trumps their privacy. I would say in situations where the teens behaviour could be dangerous for them eg anorexia, drug dealing, unprotected sex, sexual abuse, bullying, it is absolutely vital the parents find out what is going on even when the teen is keeping it secret. In my opinion if more parents stopped defending the kids' absolute 'right to privacy' it would solve a lot of problems.

Absolutely nothing good can come of telling her he read it. Some good can come of having frank conversations with her about safe sex, pregnancy tests and abortion, given thatshe us in a relationship. And I would be keeping a very close eye on when she has her period in order to step in quickly if she's late rather than let her procrastinate out of fear.

Most parents have frank conversations with their kids about sex, contraception, safe sex etc at an age appropriate time and then again when they get into their first relationships. It is absolutely not necessary to read a child's diary to know that it is essential to have conversations with them about these things.

My dd is an adult now, but I always found that maintaining a positive relationship built on mutual trust and respect was the best approach to keeping her safe. If you're having to invade your child's privacy in order to know what's going on with them, you're probably doing something wrong.

enoughrainnow · 10/04/2024 08:18

GreatGateauxsby · 09/04/2024 20:16

Your DH is a tool and I'd be cross but...

I'm clearly a loner in this because the unprotected sex would be my main concern not chastising my DH (dickhead husband)

She is 15.
Fine have sex.... but use condoms and get on the pill.
Unprotected sex is the height of stupidity and unwanted pregnancy at that age is undesirable at best and disatrous + at worst.

You cant say he read it but you can discuss safe sex within relationships and get her on the pill or an implant (which honestly might be preferable given how feckless she is being) and give her access to condoms.

Edited

I totally agree with this.
And previous posts that say don't tell her you read the diary but definitely don't do it again.
Prioritise the conversation about safe sex and consent

CoralReader · 10/04/2024 08:29

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/04/2024 19:40

Their relationship died the second he opened that book.

How utterly vile. I wonder how many other things he snoops through.

LTB. You’ll never relax again.

i agree its horrible

but first they should focus on the fact that she had unprotected sex.

what he did was horrible, but it may have saved a lot of trouble.

enoughrainnow · 10/04/2024 08:30

Actually, having thought about it a bit more I would be slightly grateful he found this information so that contraception and conversations around this can be had before there are (hopefully) any serious consequences.

Obviously reading the diary is not good at all but it sounds like he suspected she was hiding something and now you know you need to take steps to help your daughter.

Also, it would be a good trigger for you both to try and get your DD communicating more and especially trying to improve the relationship between your DH and DD. I also have 2 teenage DDs so I know this is easier said than done.

Dayfurrrrit · 10/04/2024 08:42

I’m in the minority here but I would be FAR more worried that my 15 yr old daughter could be pregnant right now or in the near future than a read diary. What is more life destroying, an abortion as a teenager, a baby at 15 or dad reading your diary. I do however believe that it shouldn’t have gotten to this point and you need to assess why your daughter hasn’t felt able to use contraception and look at building a better relationship.

edited to say: wouldn’t tell her he read it and would expect him not to in the future but would be glad I had the information to act upon. Would use something like a pp said about a colleagues DD getting pregnant and you’ve reassessed your stance and would prefer she was on contraception even if not having sex.

Beingboredisgoodforyou · 10/04/2024 08:42

Sunquest · 09/04/2024 19:45

it is a huge deal though.

Show quote history

Not as huge as becoming pregnant at 15.
At least now they know what she's doing and need to talk to her about contraception and diseases. They don't have to mention the diary at all.

dolphinette · 10/04/2024 08:43

He can't be seriously mad that his daughter has had sex with her boyfriend after HE chose to read her diary? Cause and effect.

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