Husband read daughter's diary and found some concerning things

[CheesyChipmunk]

So my daughter who just turned 15 in March has recently started going out with a boy. She doesn't talk to us much about what's going on with her life and in particular has a bit of a rocky relationship with her dad. They clash quite a bit about her not helping with chores etc around the house or being on her phone too late. She feels we treat her too 'young' but doesn't always do her homework on time, struggles to get up for school etc.
A few weeks ago he went into her room to take up some clean laundry when she was out and he found her diary. We discussed that it was not a good idea to read it, but he did anyway. He's been concerned with how besotted she's been with this boy and today told me he's gone in her room again and read more and it seems that she's had unprotected sex with him last week on his 16th Birthday. We knew she was visiting him for his birthday but it was during the day and his mum was supposedly there.
He's then offloaded to me as he doesn't know what to do. This is her first relationship that we know about and as far as we know has only been going on for a couple of weeks. I feel it's really far to soon for this and really concerned about it being unprotected.
I don't know what to do from here though as if we talk to her directly about it she will likely realise that her dad has been reading her diary as there's no way otherwise we would know.
I don't want to erode the relationship between them even further, but equally don't want to ignore her choices
I appreciate that many teenagers will experiment and do things they know their parents wouldn't agree with and they will be none the wiser. However now I'm aware of risky behaviour I don't think I can just ignore it.
What do I do now?

15yr olds have sex. Parents do stupid things.

Talk to her about contraception and being safe under the guise of 'you can see how much she likes this boy' and then have a serious chat with your dh about staying out of her room full stop and respecting her privacy. I don't think it would do anyone any good by telling her he has read the diary.

I haven't been into my boys rooms since they were 13. If they want things washed they bring it down, if they have clean clothes they take them up. If they want a clean room they clean it themselves. There is no need for him to be in her room ever unless she invites him in.

The only time I would not respect their privacy is if their behaviour or mood pointed towards them being at risk of serious harm by themselves or others.

I didn't have a diary but my parents read my text messages when I had my first boyfriend, I've also never really forgiven them for it.

I would say steer clear of "owning up", but have a gentle discussion about safe sex when the time is right etc. Owning up may sound respectable and grown up to an adult, but a 16 is going to look straight past the slightly dignified part of the act and just hold onto it for what it really is - huge disrespect and a huge lack of privacy.

Good luck x

He wasn’t looking through her laundry, he was taking clean laundry to her room. Read the post again.

Your DH is a tool and I'd be cross but...

I'm clearly a loner in this because the unprotected sex would be my main concern not chastising my DH (dickhead husband)

She is 15.
Fine have sex.... but use condoms and get on the pill.
Unprotected sex is the height of stupidity and unwanted pregnancy at that age is undesirable at best and disatrous + at worst.

You cant say he read it but you can discuss safe sex within relationships and get her on the pill or an implant (which honestly might be preferable given how feckless she is being) and give her access to condoms.

An actual paper diary???

What is it, 1996??

My mother did this, I've never forgiven her.

I would not tell her about the diary but talk to her about the importance of contraception now she has a boyfriend.
Her father needs to respect her privacy of course so that’s another conversation you need to have too.

This.

I think mine kept a paper diary at around that age. Only around 3 years ago. No idea what she wrote in it though.

My mum told me last year that she used to read my teenage diary, 20 years ago. She framed it as "any parent would", but I wouldn't. It's too long ago to get really angry about, but it's made me less close to her and share less about my own DDs with her.

Don't tell her you read the diary and don't tell her you know she had sex abd don't go in all guns blazing.
This has happened because she doesn't have a good enough relationship with you to actually come and talk to you. If you carry on down this authoritarian path it will just push her further away and get her into more trouble.
Sit down with her and say that as she's approaching 16 now that it's time to talk about contraception. Make it clear you aren't endorsing her having sex at this young age but as you know she's at an age where she may choose to, she needs to think about her contraception options. Run through them with her and MAKE SURE she picks one and then MAKE SURE she is provided with that.
Make it clear to her that you love her and if she ever needs to discuss anything with you or needs your help or support she can come and talk to you without judgement.
The primary concern here is her safety and protecting her from pregnancy or stis or abuse/exploitation. Think of those things first and don't leap into judgement of her or trying to control her through punishment. As she approaches adulthood she needs real support... not someone finding out things by going thru her diary but an actual relationship with her parents where she can talk to you and not parents who stick their heads in the sand and try to turn back time, but ones who make sure she knows how to take care of herself properly

Yeah, that's the key issue here, the medium the child was using to write her private thoughts 🙄

My dad this to me and I did forgive him, so perhaps my expectations around privacy aren't as rigid as everyone else:s - it did piss me off at the time tho.

He probably read it out of concern..I agree he made a mistake but I don't think it makes him evil.

Just say you want to talk to her about contraception. It's not a massive problem unless you make it one. I mean, the unprotected sex could be, as she could get pregnant or an STI. The diary reading doesn't have to be a massive drama. Just don't tell her, but ask him to promise not to do it again.

I do wonder how much control you husband has your household , you can guarantee he knows everything about your life .

Completely agree with this post.

shes 15 and in a relationship - why were you not chatting about contraception anyway? Start now regardless.

it’s up to you whether you admit it or not, but I’ll tell you in my forties I have never quite gotten over my mum reading mine and finding out about my sex life. She only knows the bare minimum about my relationships now. We’re close but not that close.

Helpful.

FWIW, I still use a paper diary & I'm a dinosaur.

Do not admit to the diary reading. You take that to your grave.

You already know she is in a relationship with a boy so that is your starting point for a conversation.

But the conversation goes further than contraception. As you know she has had unprotected sex you need to cover what to do if she believes she has an STI, would she come to you for help and advice? She cannot ignore it.

The step that lots of parents miss when they talk about contraception and consent is how long would she leave it when she missed her period before she considers the fact that she could be pregnant? I would actually buy pregnancy tests to have in the house and so she can test if she is late.

If the pregnancy test is positive what would she want to do? Abortion? Adoption? Keep the baby? Does she know the different options open to her for abortion based on the number of weeks pregnant she is? ie tablets up until a certain point.

Did she even think about having a conversation with the boy about what she would do if she got pregnant? As a Mother of 2 sons they know to have this conversation before they have sex with her.

When I was a teenager my parents read my diary and went ape about the all (very innocent) stuff they read and didn't like. Please don't do this to your daughter.
Have the conversation about safe sex, protected sex and photos and social media stuff - that should have been done a long time before she started seeing that boy. It's not her fault at all that you haven't wanted to do it so don't judge her. She's putting herself at risk because she hasn't had any guidance.

Thanks all for your advice. I have tried to have safe sex conversations with her before, when they were discussing the topics as school and got the "yeah OK mum, I know about that stuff already" response, but I guess I was taken aback by how quickly this relationship seems to have progressed.
It would appear knowing about safe sex and practcing it are not necessarily given. I have talked to her about social media and sharing revealing photos etc. She knows that our advice would be to wait until she's older and in a more established committed relationship, so I think she would be as surprised as anything if I suddenly were to offer her practical advice about accessing contraception now.

That's the bit that I wasn't quite sure how to approach - because without the information found from the diary, she would assume that I would keep believing their relationship was as innocent as she is portraying

And yes, my husband knows I'm mad at him and think he's completely out of order. I have not, and will not read anything myself. I'm also fuming that he told me just before dinner with no chance to talk about things properly with the kids in the next room, but that's another issue...
He knows it was wrong. Goodness knows why he chose to go snooping

whatever you do, don’t let on that anyone read the diary. But have a chat to her and take her to your GP for the pill. At least then if she’s going to continue, no accidental pregnancy will occur.

Look on the reading of the diary as a blessing in disguise - at least it’s jogged you into action.

Couple of things

DH breaches DD's privacy
DH then discloses it to his DW
DH & DW are debating what to do next.
DD remians unaware and once she finds out ans she will, all trust will be lost

DD will rightly blame DD and then DD and possibly more so for not snitching on her DH

Reading a teenagers diary is never good.

I'm a bit baffled - "found diary" - what with pageses open and then he carried on and you are now going along with it?

As others have stated and posted their horrendous experiences, dont tell her for the sake of your DD as it will never be the same again

Just tell DD a porike, EG, someone at work was talking about a friends frineds daughter who at the age of 14 not only became pregnant but also suffering from STD. Then, talk to DD re the birds and the bee's and no way declare the truth re you two having access, knowledge whats in her diary

Absolutely this⬆️

You should be talking about sex/ relationships/ feelings with her anyway - so keep it generic and talk about him being her first boyfriend - talk about contraception, healthy relationships, unprotected sex, consent etc… ask how you can support?

Ask her if there is anything she wants to discuss or anything she is worried about?

I bought my DD and DS condoms and continue to do so as and when they are needed.

I lost all trust in my parents when I found out my mother had been reading my diary and telling my father all about it. Our relationship has never recovered and I'm nearly 60. It's unforgivable.

@coxesorangepippin yes it's 2024. Lots of people prefer to hand write a diary or journal, not blog. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️