Husband read daughter's diary and found some concerning things

[CheesyChipmunk]

So my daughter who just turned 15 in March has recently started going out with a boy. She doesn't talk to us much about what's going on with her life and in particular has a bit of a rocky relationship with her dad. They clash quite a bit about her not helping with chores etc around the house or being on her phone too late. She feels we treat her too 'young' but doesn't always do her homework on time, struggles to get up for school etc.
A few weeks ago he went into her room to take up some clean laundry when she was out and he found her diary. We discussed that it was not a good idea to read it, but he did anyway. He's been concerned with how besotted she's been with this boy and today told me he's gone in her room again and read more and it seems that she's had unprotected sex with him last week on his 16th Birthday. We knew she was visiting him for his birthday but it was during the day and his mum was supposedly there.
He's then offloaded to me as he doesn't know what to do. This is her first relationship that we know about and as far as we know has only been going on for a couple of weeks. I feel it's really far to soon for this and really concerned about it being unprotected.
I don't know what to do from here though as if we talk to her directly about it she will likely realise that her dad has been reading her diary as there's no way otherwise we would know.
I don't want to erode the relationship between them even further, but equally don't want to ignore her choices
I appreciate that many teenagers will experiment and do things they know their parents wouldn't agree with and they will be none the wiser. However now I'm aware of risky behaviour I don't think I can just ignore it.
What do I do now?

Contraception and respect of self should be a lifelong conversation I think, 15 seems so late to start BUT you really need to convey the 'safe sex' message asap. I would frame it in a way that does not indicate that you know anything.

Your DH is a twat. The idea that he would go into her room and read her diary is awful and it's no wonder they have a 'rocky' relationship. If she finds out, you can count on their relationship disintegrating even more.
My mum was a snooper. She'd have done the same. Our relationship reflects that lack of trust. I love her but we are not particularly close though I'm sure she'd disagree 🤷‍♀️

Yep. Nasty.

Safe sex talks need to happen anyway, as do consent talks, comfort, photos etc, all chats that need to happen at that age.

I got a heap of condoms and kept them in an accessible place for my dc to take as they needed them without having to ask or buy them.

I would just say to her that you know she's been seeing this lad, and that she may wish to become sexually active and discuss the pill and condoms with her.

As for your husband, he is an actual piece of shit. Snooping through a teenagers innermost private thoughts is a fucking disgusting thing to do, aren't you questioning what snooping he does on you as well. I couldn't look the sneaky bastard in the face again.

I'll preface this by saying I don't have teenagers yet so I might have this wrong but I think what I'd do in this situation is prioritise talking to my DD about contraception. I'd frame it around something like 'I've seen lots of articles/heard lots of stories etc recently about the consequences of unprotected sex for teenagers (unwanted pregnancy, STDs etc) and how it's
'on the rise' so it's made me realise that we need to have this chat, and figure out what contraception is right for you, especially as you've just started having a boyfriend'. That feels believable to me so I think you'd be able to get around the whole diary reading thing.

I love my actual paper diary!

OP, just have the contraception chat and support with her regardless of the image she is portraying. Tell her that even if she hasn’t had sex yet, this will prepare her for when the time comes.

Can never understand why parents advice to teens is “wait to have sex”. Come on, useless advice. Does nobody remember the intensity of the hormones!?!

Sure, give that advice, it’s sensible. But give all the other advice too for goodness sake, for when it probably happens anyway

You could take the line ‘now you’re in a relationship I really do need to talk to you about some things, you are probably thinking differently about sex now you and John are dating.’

’the last time I’ve tried this conversation you were all god mum I know this, but this time we are having it anyway as I’d be a bad mum if I let you just skip conversations you don’t like. This stuff is important, and life changing.’

you did take a cop out by not having the conversation before. Be a better parent and insist. make your points clearly. Write them down before- sex should be special, but I know all mums say that and sometimes you have to discodr that for yourself. The really important thing as a woman is that it be safe sex, you might know this in theory but it can be difficult to speak up in the moment. You have a right to say no and a good partner will respect that. If there are any accidents you should get the morning after pill, but don’t rely on it. It doesn’t work at all if you’ve ovulated recently. Do you want to talk about other types of contraception?

She needs to go on the pill pdq. Talk to her about safe sex, make sure she has access to condoms. Give your dh a shake about reading her diary. I would have been devastated at my dc having sex at 15 btw, especially unprotected. It's too young physically and mentally, but the important thing is that she is safe.

Buy her a lock box like a safe for her diary and make her a doctor appointment for contraception take her but wait in the waiting area. Tell her safe can be for her cash jewellery or anything else she will want to hide! Don’t let him be able to access it!
Your actual problem is your husband he feels he has a right to do this it’s wrong on every level where will he stop it’s so intrusive.

I can’t believe your husband read her diary, it is such an invasion of privacy. Talk to your daughter about contraception and safe sex, which is what you should have done anyway when she is 15 with a boyfriend. And tell your husband to keep away from your daughter’s private belongings in future.

I would take her to a GP/sexual health clinic and get her set up on reliable contraception. Lots of teens have sex at 15 /16. What's most important is that she isn't coerced and doesn't get pregnant.

Don't tell her anyone read her diary. Totally unnecessary and will only drive a wedge.

Good luck with it all (am a mum of three so have been through lots of similar stages - they've turned out absolutely fine and v confident young women!)

My mother would read my diary, turn my room upside down regularly looking for contraceptive pills. She found them within two weeks I was 18 and had a steady boyfriend. I'd actually hidden them in a teddy on top of my wardrobe, that's how far she would go.

She stormed down to the GP threatening to have him struck off 🙄

Be very careful just discuss contraception with her and not your husband.

Don't own up and don't do it again.
Talk to your DD about safe sex and ask if she wants any support with getting contraception.

Is she on contraception? I’d be more worried about pregnancy, or STI 😳

@coxesorangepippin er... yes? Have you not walked into a John Lewis/Paperchase/Scribbler lately? Diaries, planners and journals are hugely popular now, especially since covid.

DON'T do this. She isn't going to hear anything beyond 'I read your diary...' and, at that point, will probably be filled with embarrassment, humiliation, rage and even hate!

Reading someone else's diary is pretty unforgivable and hugely disrespectful.

Just have a sex talk with her and offer to take her to the GP for the pill.

This

Your DH cannot tell her he read her diary. It was unforgivable

My mother read my diary and even though I was pissed off, I have forgiven her and it wasn’t an issue at all. I wouldn’t gamble on it if I were you, though

Putting pen to paper is a beautiful, tactile experience. You should try it sometime, instead of writing pithy, irrelevant comments.

Jesus OP, he needs to stop reading her diary. What a dick.

You should be having a birth control conv with her anyway, so do that.

Talk to her. Very much including the topic of contraception.

It's your DH problem to sort with regards to violating her privacy. It's your DD's problem to sort with keeping her private details private (some children do leave things in places for family to access because they're not ready to verbalize but still need the help.)

Your problem is that your child may be pregnant or may become pregnant soon.

Tomorrow morning when you first see her without siblings or your DH there, ask her the question directly. "Are you having sex with x?"

Book an appointment with her to attend together for sexual health.

Phone her boyfriend's mum and tell her that your daughter is no longer visiting until she's aged 16 but he's welcome to visit but not upstairs.

Talk to her about healthy relationships; ask her what she expects to do with her education when a baby comes along. Talk to her about your family boundaries, can he stay in her bedroom overnight after 16, can he stay overnight after a 6 month relationship, what happens if they fall out and she wants to come home at night etc.

How fucking dare he. My mum did this. It's not ok. I wouldn't dream of intruding on my children's privacy like this.

Do not tell her.

Just have a chat about sex as she’s shit a bf anyway and take her to get contraception.

your dh needs to stop reading her diary ffs. Its out of order