Husband read daughter's diary and found some concerning things

[CheesyChipmunk]

So my daughter who just turned 15 in March has recently started going out with a boy. She doesn't talk to us much about what's going on with her life and in particular has a bit of a rocky relationship with her dad. They clash quite a bit about her not helping with chores etc around the house or being on her phone too late. She feels we treat her too 'young' but doesn't always do her homework on time, struggles to get up for school etc.
A few weeks ago he went into her room to take up some clean laundry when she was out and he found her diary. We discussed that it was not a good idea to read it, but he did anyway. He's been concerned with how besotted she's been with this boy and today told me he's gone in her room again and read more and it seems that she's had unprotected sex with him last week on his 16th Birthday. We knew she was visiting him for his birthday but it was during the day and his mum was supposedly there.
He's then offloaded to me as he doesn't know what to do. This is her first relationship that we know about and as far as we know has only been going on for a couple of weeks. I feel it's really far to soon for this and really concerned about it being unprotected.
I don't know what to do from here though as if we talk to her directly about it she will likely realise that her dad has been reading her diary as there's no way otherwise we would know.
I don't want to erode the relationship between them even further, but equally don't want to ignore her choices
I appreciate that many teenagers will experiment and do things they know their parents wouldn't agree with and they will be none the wiser. However now I'm aware of risky behaviour I don't think I can just ignore it.
What do I do now?

Speak for yourself, I haven’t forgotten that.

But that doesn’t explain the lack of contraception. And you cannot make an assumption based on yourself because you do not know DD.

Er, no.

My point is that if you have a solid relationship with your child and open, honest communication, they are a) much less likely to get into this kind of situation in the first place, and b) much more likely to tell you if they do. Relying on invading your child's privacy to keep them safe is not the best idea... what if they don't happen to write about the risks that they're taking in their diaries?

You are out of order - because a breach of trust of this magnitude is going to rupture the trust and the relationship. Apart from being sleazy and entirely inappropriate! There are two separate issues here.

One is the safety and well being of the child
The second being the despicable and inappropriate behaviour of her father.

My worry about the diary is that your DH might blurt it out if they are having a row and then she will know you knew and that’s your relationship fucked

You can’t be that naive.

Agree with this. And I hope he does feel very worried. And shitty. Because that's a huge, HUGE invasion of her trust and privacy. And unless there is a drip feed coming I think it's a bit creepy if him to be so interested in how "besotted" she is

And yes, contraception. NOW

Not sure what to suggest but also I'd be concerned about STIs and a pregnancy test now as they have already had unprotected sex.

(There is also the chance, however small, that it's not the first time he's read it and she knows this and has actually not had unprotected sex and has deliberately written it to see what happens. Teen girls find dramatic ways to prove points even within the confines of a good relationship with parents).

If this was me in this situation I would of had a go at the father for reading the diary without your children around I would confront him about reading that because it's her privacy and shouldn't of been read at all! It's full of her own thoughts and feelings and shouldn't have been read simple as that. In the light of what you have found out I wouldn't tell her that he read her diary because that will cause a lot of issues and upset which doesn't need to happen.

I would sit her down and have the safe sex talk with her as she's got a boyfriend and stays there just say I think we should talk about safe sex as you've been with your boyfriend a while now and you know your 15 etc etc even maybe get her condoms or talk about her going on the pill but be understanding and stuff she made a mistake we all do but if you talk to her calmly and be gentle with this then you may end up with a good outcome overall and you mind will be at ease. Tell the dad he is never to do that again though because that was very wrong!

The only time I would not respect their privacy is if their behaviour or mood pointed towards them being at risk of serious harm by themselves or others.

///.

This. And then it would be my last resort. We have an agreement that while I'm paying her phone bill I will spot check her phone occasionally. In reality I don't do it often.
Starting to agree also with others that he should maybe keep his mouth shut as it will be hard to come back from this for them.

Just to offer a different perspective... My dad read my diary when I was a teenager and it didn't ruin our relationship at all.

He owned up to it (or mum told me - I cannot even remember which) and said he was worried about me (diary disclosed suicidal feelings) and said that we needed to talk about how I was feeling.

The big difference is that I got on well with my dad, trusted him and knew he always had my best interests at heart. Part of me was relieved he'd found it and read it.

It isn't naive.

Having worked with hundreds of teenagers in a residential capacityas well as having raised my own, I am absolutely of the view that building a mutually respectful, trusting relationship with them is a far more effective way of safeguarding them than spying on them, invading their privacy, failing to treat them with dignity and respect etc.

Of course, I'm not saying that some won't make stupid decisions/keep secrets anyway. But you have an infinitely better chance of knowing what's going on if they actually trust you. Kids will tell you all sorts if they are confident that they can trust you, that you won't judge them or fly off the handle, and that you won't talk down to them or lecture them. Meanwhile, a failure to respect their privacy and dignity will simply encourage them to get better at covering their tracks.

If you want to parent differently, by all means, do. But personally, I think it's a massive mistake to think that you can breach your child's trust in this way without it having any negative impact on your relationship.

I often read on MN about women snooping on their husband's phone. Funny how that never generates comments like this! The good old MN code - one rule for men and a completely different rule for women.

Is it completely beyond your (and other posters) comprehension that a father could be concerned about his daughter?

Personally, think it's really intrusive and controlling for a woman to snoop through her husband's phone.

For me, trust is a fundamentally important aspect of any relationship. If there is no trust, then there is no foundation for a good relationship. You breach that trust at your peril.

If a father is concerned about his daughter, there are other, much better ways of addressing those concerns. Breaching her privacy is not the answer.

Hi OP. Don't tell your DD that her dad read her diary! And make sure he doesn't tell her either - it will make things much worse.

Go for a drive, just you and DD (captive audience! And also, sitting side by side is less confrontational than face to face) and explain that, now she's seeing this boy, things may progress to a sexual relationship even if they're "just friends" or whatever now, and you want to recap her options regarding consent, contraception etc. At this age, the chances of pregnancy are quite high so it may be worth considering hormonal contraception eg the pill, but encourage her to use condoms too. Also explain that accidents can happen, condoms split, people get carried away, and so the morning after pill can be useful (if she doesn't want to go on the pill). Encourage her to talk to you about these issues if possible, but ensure that she knows other ways to get help (eg GP surgery, school nurse) if she won't come to you.

It’s naive because however good parents’ relationships are with their kids, girls can find themselves in situations where they either make risky decisions, can’t advocate for themselves, or are coerced into something they don’t want to do.
They may choose not confide in their parents afterwards, not because the parents are not good, supportive or trustworthy but simply because they’d rather confide in a friend.

We know DD doesn’t have a great relationship with her dad, but that may be a character clash rather than actual poor parenting, but we don’t know she doesn’t have a good relationship with her mum.

So you’re making a lot of ego-driven assumptions principally to assert what a good parent you are but that kind of self-righteous, self-focus is exactly what turns kids off.

Hmm more controlling and intrusive than bringing in a new sexual partner into the relationship without telling your partner?

Apparently you,£ continue to blindly trust a cheat.

Tell her what he has done, she needs to be able to protect her privacy from DH. He will probably keep doing it otherwise. Be prepared that he has ruined his relationship with her to some extent forever.

I'd also tell her you that if she's having unprotected sex then she is trying for a baby, whether she wants one or not and that if she has one she's on her own with the consequences. But that's just me.

He read her diary. Vile.

As others have said she can't know the diary has been read.
However she's in a relationship so now is the time to discuss consent and contraception with her. Support her in making some decisions about contraception and see if she would go on the pill. Be there and open and supportive, she's going to have sex with or without your approval. You are where you are, try and move forward and create a more open and honest environment.

Look, you speak from your experience of relationships, I speak from mine.

For you, trust and respect don't matter all that much. I understand. A breach of trust/invasion of privacy aren't that big a deal for you. You are entitled to your opinion.

For me, trust and respect are the central pillars of a good relationship.

We clearly have very different ideas about what is important and about how to build and sustain relationships. That's fine. The way I have approached relationships has worked for me and mine. Hopefully you approach will work well for you and yours.

FFS go elsewhere with your misogyny.
He is reading about his underage dd having sex, it is sick and perverted and there are many ways he can address his ‘concerns’ without violating his child.

I expect a better level of intelligence with someone I’m bothering to engage with than “for you trust and respect don’t matter”. Where have I ever said that? It’s not worth bothering with your silly assumptions.

My thoughts...

Don't tell her about the diary. She'll never trust either of you again.

Talk to her about her relationship with her DP. Obviously she already knows about contraception but you can also give her advice about the morning after pill if she ever "gets carried away".

I had unprotected sex at 15 with my first boyfriend. Of course I knew about contraception but we weren't planning to have sex, we just got carried away and went too far. We went young and idiots. Thankfully I was savvy enough to go to the sexual health clinic the next day to get the MAP and a prescription for the contraceptive pill.

You can't control her choices at that age but you can ensure she has the knowledge to deal with the outcome of her decisions.

I haven't read all the responses but that is the most awful invasion of privacy and thinking of myself as a 15 year old girl (who wasn't having sex and relationships) I would be devastated.

If she doesn't get on with her Dad anyway this could be the final nail in the coffin.

I wouldn't normally go for lying but given the damage it could do to HER I would put the diary away and forget it. Like people have said if she's got a boyfriend you need to be having a quiet word with her about contraception 'when she feels the time is right' anyway. I'd be furious with my husband if he did this.

Awful.

You have absolutely implied that trust and respect don't matter by suggesting that it's OK to invade the privacy of your loved ones.

I don't mind if you want to make silly digs about my intelligence. I'm not insecure about that, so if it makes you feel better to dismiss me as stupid instead of reflecting on whether or not I might have a point, then feel free.

You are free to conduct your relationships as you see fit. I will continue to prioritise what I consider important in mine.