DS 14 has had sex-i'm quietly freaking out

[Lambbaba281]

What do I do?

He's year 10, been with his GF since the summer. She's 15, he's 15 in a few weeks.

We had LOTS of conversations with him as soon as they started dating, covered every topic including WAITING until they were 16. That part has fallen on deaf ears.

He's told DH that they've done it. He used a condom.

Where do I go from here? It happened under our roof (when dh was at work and I was walking the dog).

I've not said a word, as far as he knows, I don't know anything.

It's so ironic, I'm eye rolling at my past self. He was born with one testicle and another problem which needed corrective surgery when he was younger. I worried myself sick that this would affect his relationships. We did a lot of work on his self confidence, we talked openly and honestly about finding the right person and it not being an issue etc. I now think we went too far.

He's 14!!

where?

sorry in your home!!

that in itself surely needs to be addressed.

are they usually allowed in his bedroom alone with the door closed?

I can understand you feeling like this OP.

You don't do anything. He has confided in his DF. Let him take the lead. Sounds like they have been sensible and used protection. It's very normal at that age. More normal than you might be led to imagine.

He's nearly 15, she's 15. It's not great, it's too young but it's not so far out of the bounds of normal teenage behaviour. You need to talk to him and ensure they don't have more opportunities at your house if possible but it's kind of a horse bolted situation. Best to be open and find out how he feels about it all.

It's great that he has a close enough relationship to have been able to talk to your dh about it.

I would tread carefully and praise his honesty etc but I would also be having a conversation about the fact that because they are under age it could be classed as statutory rape and could effect the rest of their lives.

Is that accurate?

Well this is just not even a bit true.
firstly, there is no such crime as statutory rape in the UK. Secondly, unlawful sexual activity requires a perpetrator who is an adult. Two 14/15 year olds having sex are not committing a crime. Who do you think is statutory raping who? Each other? Come on.

No

There is no such thing as statutory rape in this country. In a consensual relationship between two 15yo no action would be taken by police.

It isn't great. It isn't what you wanted. But it's teenagers and it's now history.

You have two choices. You can have histrionics about it and ensure neither of them speak to you about sex every again. Or you can be clear that this wasn't your ideal situation, but you'd rather they talk to you and are sensible about contraception, in order that the choices they make now do not dictate their futures.

You don't do anything other than what you have been doing. You keep on communicating and encouraging honesty etc.

Bring in more 'real' things now like STD check ups and the realities of getting carried away and not being safe etc.

If they want to do it, they will, your house, her house, somewhere else. Twas ever thus.

@Onceuponaheartache absolutely no one is prosecuting two 14/15 year olds consensually having sex.

OP, yes it’s young, but they’re in a relationship for some months, they’re using a condom. It might not be ideal but I don’t think you need to be upset either. It’s not that unusual, I was having sex at that age with my same age boyfriend, all the parents knew, it was a loving, respectful relationship and I have no regrets.

Then you risk them doing it outside the house quickly in unsafe places with a risk of them not taking precautions.

The police won’t be remotely interested unless there is suspicion that it was not consensual.

I share your feelings OP. I think I would be focusing on the practicals such as the failure rate for condoms and is he ready to be a father?

He didn't have to tell your DH. It's great that he felt he could. Whilst it isn't ideal I'd tread very carefully, do you want him to communicate important stuff in the future. IMO if they are going to do it,.they will. Better in the safety of your home than god knows where.

Onceuponaheartache ridiculous, as others have said who would be the perpetrator here, the male? The older child?

Oh stop making stuff up 🙄

Do you just accept that they are having sex then and turn a blind eye? Genuinely curious, I have a 15yo and will be navigating this at some point soon. I just hope he and the person he does it with both make it to 16 but he's old for his year so I think it's more than likely it will be at least one under 16 if not both. What's the right thing to do if they are underage?

As a teacher for over a decade, I’ve taught a surprisingly high number of high school children who’ve conceived a child. That would be my main concern.

I think you've been a wonderful parent to your son so don't beat yourself up about going OTT where improving his confidence is concerned. It's also fantastic that he felt confident and safe enough to tell his dad.

I actually lost my virginity at 13 and whilst this is absolutely something that I do not condone, I wish that I had parents that I could confide in and feel comfortable around regarding sex/intimacy etc.

Perhaps this'll help you relax but I'm now in a very happy and stable relationship with 2 DCs. I'm also a home owner with a respectable career. It must feel huge to find this information out as his mother but I promise you, you've done a fine job in allowing him to feel safe around you and I'm sure he'll turn out just fine (he may just regret losing the ol' V plates a little early!).

If you're uncomfortable that it happened under your roof (I can understand this might be the case!), potentially take some steps to prevent it being quite so easy for them in the future... however, from experience, once they've done it, they've done it... they will continue finding ways to do it so IMO the best thing to do would be to turn a blind eye, provide protection and ensure safety wherever possible.

My parents did not do this, but instead read my messages and made me and bf at the time feel very uncomfortable- as a result we resorted to sex in fields... I'm sure you'd be more horrified if you found out that what what he was up to!

Your husband should praise his honesty, buy condoms for the bathroom, and speak to him about using two forms of contraception.

It is classed as sexual activity with a child however if she is becomes pregnant it is classed as statutory rape. Perhaps read the sexual offences act 2003 before telling people that what i have said is inaccurate and ridiculous.

The line is blurred between 13 and 16 but if either parents claim an imbalance of power exists in the relationship the police can prosecute. I would assume the outcome of a successful prosecution would be the sex offenders register, but you would need to look into it fully.

As others have said, although this is not what you would have wanted, getting angry or trying to stop them having sex again are both utterly pointless and will just lead to him keeping secrets from you instead of being honest as currently, and them having sex in potentially unsafe places or situations.

Sensible advice about continued consent (just cos she did it once doesn't mean she has to do it again) and contraception/STDs is the only way forward here.

He is almost 15 and in his first long term relationship. I would imagine (& in my experience of many grandchildren) that many, many teens in that situation have slept with their partners at 15 to 17 years of age. What to do now? I would suggest a frank discussion with both of them and maybe his girlfriend’s parents to discuss the way forward. With many of my teenage grandchildren in three different families, that involved a visit to the GP or similar to secure some more reliable contraception and a discussion about when & where the girlfriend or boyfriend could stay over. To be honest most of them are still with their partners now after four to six years. One has just split from her partner after 8 years. Please calm down and have the adult conversations with them.