DS 14 has had sex-i'm quietly freaking out

[Lambbaba281]

What do I do?

He's year 10, been with his GF since the summer. She's 15, he's 15 in a few weeks.

We had LOTS of conversations with him as soon as they started dating, covered every topic including WAITING until they were 16. That part has fallen on deaf ears.

He's told DH that they've done it. He used a condom.

Where do I go from here? It happened under our roof (when dh was at work and I was walking the dog).

I've not said a word, as far as he knows, I don't know anything.

It's so ironic, I'm eye rolling at my past self. He was born with one testicle and another problem which needed corrective surgery when he was younger. I worried myself sick that this would affect his relationships. We did a lot of work on his self confidence, we talked openly and honestly about finding the right person and it not being an issue etc. I now think we went too far.

He's 14!!

It is not ideal or desirable as they are both too emotionally immature to deal with those strong feelings when it goes wrong/ends.

Keep talking even though you think you have completely covered everything. I still remember having another conversation about contraception with ds, while driving, as his gf wasn't on the pill (her choice but doubling up on contraception has it benefits) and reminding him how/where they would go for the MAP if anything went wrong and he told me they had had a torn condom twice but it was ok both times and she had agreed to terminate if anything happened 😱😩 . Thankfully I never crashed the car and am not a granny yet!

Also get him sorted with a c-card if your area does them and going to the chemist for his own (free) condoms.

I had sex for the first time a month after turning 15. I'd been with my boyfriend for 6 months and we were together for 3 years. My parents knew and took me to get the pill and they made sure we had condoms. You can't stop them, so you may as well support them.

I’m surprised you’re surprised. That’s what teens do. Focus on ensuring theyre using iron cast birth control

Fortunately you're not in Ireland where the age of consent is 17 and there have been prosecutions against underage boys for having sex with underage girls. Underage boys can be prosecuted even where there's consent but underage girls are exempt under the Romeo and Juliet law.

Utter nonsense

I would be pleased that he was honest enough to confide in dp.
its not ideal but it is what it is
I’d have the condoms conversation again and make sure there are plenty available. And ask him to encourage her to go in the pill too.
and make contact with the girl’s parents if at all possible and check they are ok with things.

In what world is it "normal" for two children to be having sex, and to be "in a relationship" ???

They should be focusing on so many things besides sexual/romantic relationships at this age. There is no way their brain development, life experience, socialization, etc., are sufficiently developed to be handling the emotions and practicality of a sex life.

It's the job of parents to nip these "relationships" in the bud before they get to this point, with 14-year-olds FGS.

Just because something isn't against the law doesn't mean it's healthy or right. Laws are written pragmatically; the statutory age is a compromise between what is healthy and what can reasonably be enforced. It's not a guideline for decent parenting. Decent parents would steer their children away from romantic involvement let alone sexual activity.

Just saying "oh well hope they are using condoms" is really lazy and lax. There is no reason to just stand by and let it go on.

Police Officer here - no charges nor prosecution would ever come of this (just incase OP is worried re previous posts!) both the same age and consented. Absolutely not in the public interest for police to be involved. It would be words of advice at MOST

Unbelievable.

If people actually need their parents to double-check that they are using contraception, and for the parents to confer about this, maybe they are not mature enough to be sexually active. Ya think?

@LaurieStrode
I would very much like to hear your method of “nipping these relationships in the bud”.

I think it needs to be made VERY clear to your son that he has absolutely no say in what happens to his semen. If there is a condom malfunction and she gets pregnant- he has ZERO say in the matter, and that might mean his uni plans being torpedoed to support a baby aged 16.

So many GROWN men don’t understand this.

Because, if the sexes were reversed, the boy would not be prosecuted for anything either. The crime in England that could be considered statutory rape is Sex with a child under 13, it is considered a crime of rape but due to ages doesn’t apply in this case.

The crime that could apply is Sex with a Child Under 16, it is not legally considered to be rape. There are guidelines about when it’s appropriate to prosecute for sex with a child under 16 and under those it is not considered in the public interest to criminalise children, or their partners, for consensual sex unless there is some other factor involved that makes it unethical - regardless of the sex of the younger or older partner.

When have you ever heard of two under 16s both being charged with sexual assault after having consensual sex?

Come on.
Parents are fully in charge of a child's whereabouts, if they want to be. There is zero reason that these kids ever have to be alone together.

Of course that takes actual effort on the part of parents. I guess it's easier to hand them a box of condoms and hope for the best.

Ask any qualified psychologist or therapist whether sexual relationships at age 14 are healthy for these children.

As if the kid has any idea of what it would be like to leave school and earn in order to pay CMS. The concept is too abstract for a child's mind to process.

It's like the old "you can have a dog if you promise to clean up after it" convo that millions of parents have had with kids, only to end up cleaning the dog shit themselves. this is next-level: "go ahead and have sex but if she gets pregnant and decides to keep the baby, you'll have to go to work to support it." yeah right, that is going to stop a horny kid. young granny and grandad will be doing most of the heavy lifting, as we have all seen before.

Parental involvement and close supervision are necessary.

Read this @Onceuponaheartache so you don't so confidently state things as fact that are absolutely nonsense in future! Because it's embarrassing especially when you don't just say ah ok, I got it wrong and instead double down with further, also inaccurate, statements!

I'm just correcting the law here, although I don't think it's particularly relevant as the police/ CPS will not prosecute. However, as a lawyer, it's important for me to get these things right.
Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003 it is an offence to engage in any sexual activity with a child under the age of 16, and the prosecution need not prove lack of consent. It is a defence if the perpetrator reasonably believed that the child was 16 or over (but only if the child was in fact 13 or over). For some offences, the penalties differ depending on the age of the perpetrator; except in the case of certain offences specifically relating to sexual activity with under-13s, the maximum sentence for a person who was under 18 at the time of the offence is five years' imprisonment, whereas for over-18s the maximum terms range between 10 years and life imprisonment.
The effect of the law is that if two 15-year-olds engage in consensual sexual activity and each knows that the other is under 16, they will both be guilty of an offence carrying a maximum penalty of five years' imprisonment. There's no female victim in this situation. They are both guilty of committing a crime.

Some people would say parents shouldn't ever be endorsing their kids breaking the law.

However, the legal position and the practical reality are two different things. The CPS would rarely prosecute two fifteen year olds having consensual sex even if it led to pregnancy. They're only interested where there is exploitation or abuse. Now that the horse has bolted, all advice needs to be practical. But to be factually accurate then yes, they are committing a crime under the Sexual Offences Act.

Apologies. Posters on threads.

I'm cross about the statutory rape charges that are always thrown about. Not only do they minimise the heinous crime that is rape, they try to stop the conversation and support around teenage sex.

Keeping the conversation open is what is most important, those that pretend that this doesn't happen are delusional.

I was the same age when I first had sex with my boyfriend at the time. We stayed together for a few years after that but it fizzled out as we grew up. Yes we were young but it didn’t affect either of us negatively. I don’t regret it. I would choose this option over being slightly older, say 16 and it being a one night stand. Not the end of the world. They could be together a while…

Parents are fully in charge of a child's whereabouts, if they want to be.

Yes, because effectively locking someone up and never letting them out of the house - as you obviously couldn’t send them to school (break / lunchtimes!) - is a fantastic way to enhance psychological health and wellbeing.

Do you have teenagers ?

Hormones are wild at that age and if they want to, they will. There’s nothing anyone can realistically do to stop it.

You sound rather out of touch with reality.

Very technically it is an offence, but CPS guidance says that consenting minors will not usually be prosecuted:

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-13-sexual-offences-and-youths

(Look for the section on child sex offences committed by children or young persons.)

So we're all agreed that it's an offence. But so what?

If they won't wait until they're 16 then there's not a lot you can reasonably do.
As long as the sex is safe and respectful. It's far more likely to be both of things (especially safe) if parents are open about it. I am all for the mums getting involved in checking pills are taken and buying condoms for the bathroom cupboard. Follow the advice of the mums who have been there.

This isn’t true. There are several crimes in England Wales that apply to people having sex with someone under 16. But our age of consent is not clear cut, being based more on capacity between the ages of 13 and 16.

Having sex with someone under 13 (Sex with a Child Under 13) is a crime of rape. A 13 year old, in law, is not considered able to give consent, so sex with someone under 13 is an act of rape and this is the equivalent to statutory rape (sex that cannot be consented to because the statute declares it so). It’s, IIRC, the most serious of the crimes in the Sexual Offences Act.

In law it is considered possible that a child of 13yrs thru <16yrs may have capacity to give consent. If a child 13-16 did not or could not consent the regular crime of Rape is the one committed.

It is still against the law to have sex with a consenting child 13 - <16. But it is not considered rape, and so isn’t statutory rape. And it isn’t considered to be in the public interest to criminalise those involved unless there is evidence of some form of power imbalance or other factor that makes the conduct heinous. It is one of the least serious crimes in the Sexual Offences Act.