DS 14 has had sex-i'm quietly freaking out

[Lambbaba281]

What do I do?

He's year 10, been with his GF since the summer. She's 15, he's 15 in a few weeks.

We had LOTS of conversations with him as soon as they started dating, covered every topic including WAITING until they were 16. That part has fallen on deaf ears.

He's told DH that they've done it. He used a condom.

Where do I go from here? It happened under our roof (when dh was at work and I was walking the dog).

I've not said a word, as far as he knows, I don't know anything.

It's so ironic, I'm eye rolling at my past self. He was born with one testicle and another problem which needed corrective surgery when he was younger. I worried myself sick that this would affect his relationships. We did a lot of work on his self confidence, we talked openly and honestly about finding the right person and it not being an issue etc. I now think we went too far.

He's 14!!

They are teens, raging hormones. The fact they used a condom and he’s told his dad is great. I’d do nothing. I’d ask DH to have some chats about consent / keeping himself safe / respecting women and no means no. But I wouldn’t do anything about it, I was having sex at 13 and whilst my 47yr old self is quite appalled (especially when my own DD was same age) it was going to happen whether my parents had known and spoken to me or not. I’d let your DH deal with this, sounds like you’ve got enough on your plate. Just remember it’s perfectly normal and the fact they haven’t waited until 16 doesn’t really matter as long as they are having safe and consensual sex

It doesn’t matter who that person think is doing rape. The statement is not accurate

Statutory rape

press charges

😂

will this be decided in a courtroom by a judge with a gavel?

american tv has a lot to answer for 😂

OP, your son has confided in you and he's been safe. Be proud of him. Teens will have sex. If not in your house, somewhere else. It's better they're safe and open about it. If you're not happy with it being at your house, talk to him about that.

Make sure he's got plenty of protection. Consider seeing if he'll engage with STI testing to be extra safe.

If you punish him, he just won't confide in you anymore. You can't really stop teens doing it and plenty of people have sex before 16. He's also in a relationship so it's not like it's a rando.

You have two children having sex in your home. I think it's important to find out if his girlfriend's mum and dad have been informed by their daughter.

If she's choosing not to discuss her sex life with her mum or dad, (or you and your husband) she needs another adult to confide in, incase she needs more support with emotions and contraception etc that come with being sexually active.

Passing on a message to your dh who then passes it onto your son who then passes it down to his girlfriend will just end up as Chinese whispers and likely cause communication conflict.

Find a way to ensure you know that both your son and your son's girlfriend can always confide in an adult and always change their mind and go back to celibacy until their 16th plus birthday/when they want to.

@Lambbaba281 I really don't think you have done anything wrong. You have given your DS confidence and its a credit to your DH that he was able to be open with him. I also think you're right to let it sink in for a few days. I have two teenage DS's and I've taken the stance that I would rather they were safe and under our roof than not. When I was a teen my DM was very strict about sex and there was quite a lot of shaming. If I'd got into a difficult situation I wouldn't have confided in my parents and it would have been catastrophic. You have got it right.

I can also relate to being distracted by a very poorly parent, this was me in 2022, its so hard, sending you a virtual hug. You're doing great, hang on in there.

I’m sorry but what age do people actually think teenagers start having sex? Because a lot of them certainly aren’t waiting until they’re 16!

I also freaked out when I realised my 14 yr old son had sex! Be thankful that he has had sex within a relationship, that he’s been sensible enough to use protection and that he feels able to confide in his Dad. We can’t stop our teenagers doing these things but we can advise them so they do it safely x

Please try not to worry. You’ve done a grand job if your ds isn’t self conscious. Like other posters, I had sex at 15 op. Turned out just fine.

I have a 15 yo in year 11 and I get the trepidation albeit dd hasn’t had a bf yet. Your ds and his gf need to be super careful contraception wise and I hope your dh has been on the case.

Are you going to talk to your ds? I think open and honest communication is best. I spoke to my dd a couple of weeks ago about sex btw and said I know I’m a bit nosy with her. But when she’s ready to have sex (which she isn’t right now) that she can talk to me about it anytime and I’m here for her, to help.

On a lighter note, the comments about statutory rape remind me of this from the 80s.

I’m not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but I would be talking to him, or getting his DF to talk to him, about making sure neither your son nor his GF take or send inappropriate pictures - that is one thing that has changed since I was a teenager (no mobile phones with cameras!)

OK, so that cat is out of the bag, and it's not going back in . The good news is they did it safely, in a safe place in a relationship that has been going a reasonable time. I agree with those saying that DH keeps an open channel keeping up mesages about staying safe - maybe see if he can find out if the girlfriend's parents know?

Yes, we've covered this a lot already but will talk about it again.

I was 14, didn't do me any lasting damage. It's young, but he was sensible. There's not a lot you'll be able to do about it, they'll find a way of getting up to no good no matter what measures you put in place. I certainly did.

Absolute rubbish. There is no such offence as statutory rape in the Sexual Offences Act 2003 and pregnancy is not a determining factor for any offence in the act.

The only applicable offence is “sexual activity with a child” which BOTH of them could be theoretically charged with. But of course that would never happen.

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/section/13 and https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/section/9

I would not worry too much about statutory rape (which is technically true because you can't consent if you're under 16 even if you're doing it with someone who's also under 16).

The only time statutory rape could be relevant is if you fear that the girlfriend's parents might prosecute if they find out what she's up to or if there's a risk it isn't consensual. Does her mum know? Would her mum freak out?

14 is too young. The law is in place for a reason.

However, what do you do?

If they want to do it, you can't stop them. It's far better to be open and treat sex as something that is normal than to hush it up. Have them do it safely. Buy condoms, talk to him about using two forms of contraceptive. I would even check she has an adult she can talk to about it.

Sex needs to be safe and respectful. The risk if they're that young is that she'll get pregnant by mistake. If mum doesn't even know they're doing it, then it would be a total nightmare. He needs to understand all that fully.

STATUTORY RAPE DOESNT EXIST

stay calm. You can't stop them now.
My DD was the same age.
I'd covered everything beforehand - wait til you're 16 (didn't happen), go on the pill if you are thinking of it (thankfully she did go on the pill with my help but I still tried to get her to wait), talked to her about condoms (they use them too), took her to GP to get her on the pill who gave her advice also, I spoke about the importance of not feeling pressurised (she says she wasn't) and being with someone she trusts, is in a relationship with (18m later, they're still together).
I had suspicions it might happen even though I didn't want it to, so I made sure she was prepared and wasn't panicking to get the morning after pill because they'd gotten carried away!
I found out they'd done iti because I found opened condom packets. She was embarrassed but I tried to focus on positives and that's what you should do too.
I said I was proud that she'd made sure she was on the pill first and that they were using condoms. Reminded her of the importance of continuing to use protection, both condom and pill as condoms can tear.
Told her to never do anything whilst we were in the house (which I note your DS didn't so take that on board as a positive).
I told DD to ensure her BF told his parents so he got support etc from them too. She actually phoned her BF during our conversation, poor boy shitting himself but on speaker I continued to say whilst wasn't happy they didn't wait, I'm pleased they used protection and are being respectful towards each other etc, we even had a few jokes. he told DD afterwards that her mum was 'really cool', even her DGM said "oh well, times change" when she heard. his own mum was appreciative I told him to speak to her and now he's coming on holiday wiith us.
I get DD to keep her pill packet in the bathroom and I check it daily to make sure she's taking it and I am the one who arranges her repeat prescription.
Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that this doesn't need to be a disaster. You and your DP should emphasise the same things I did and be available if he needs you. Criticism, grounding etc will just clam him up and mean he's less likely to ask you for advice or help.
My DH reacted very badly - his little girl - but I told him off. Told him to trust our DD (and me) to handle things responsibly and not push her away. Now its my DH who suggested the BF join us on holiday, with US paying for him to come.
They are (almost) 16 and 16 1/2 now. Been together 18 months. Sleeping together a year. Both of them doing Highers (Scottish A Levels) and very smart.

Oh please can you not

It's not called "statutory rape" anymore in England or Wales (although it is in some jurisdictions) but it is sexual assault for under 16s - and yes, even if you both consent because you cannot consent in the eyes of the law until you turn 16.

It's great that he has an open relationship with his parents. I would have a conversation around ensuring contraception is used properly, the 'what if' should it fail.
Sexual relationship is a grown up activity, Being a grown up includes responsibility. If she got pregnant, what's the plan? Make him think about what he wants for the future, career? travel? uni? or is he really wanting nappies and job at 16.
He sounds sensible, probably letting hormones rule his head though, he needs to focus his mind.

No, it's not
children between 13 and 15 can have consensual sexual relationships with each other. The law and CPS guidance recognises this. Neither has sexually assaulted the other.

Yessss!! Apparently because alll boys are predatory and allllll girls are victims 🙄

So you admit you are wrong and the word “rape” statutory or otherwise has no place in your post?

It isn’t true, technically or otherwise, because statutory rape doesn’t exist in England and wales.

it isn’t, and can’t be relevant, because it doesn’t exist.

Exactly this.