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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd15 having sex

180 replies

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 11:51

Just after some advice

Dd15 has a lovely bf who is 17
He treats her nicely and is lovely to me and my younger son

The other week she told me they had had sex. I made sure she had been safe (she had) and that he was respectful but I also told her that she is very young and also him being older is also an issue. I strongly tried to encourage her too wait until she's a bit older

However emptying her bin and there are condoms in there.

He is allowed in the house and in her room but they have to leave the door open. This clearly hasn't stopped them!

It's only a small flat so they're either in her room or hanging out with me in the living room! It's freezing here so they go out for an hour but then want to be inside.

If I tell her he's not allowed in her room I think she will either end up doing it outdoors or somewhere else.

How do I navigate this without her thinking it's just all fine (or indeed is it all just fine??)

OP posts:
beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 11:54

I also told her that she is very young and also him being older is also an issue.

Yet you approved and encouraged by having him round to your house, to her bedroom?

I think it's too late to be trying to encourage her to wait until she is older at this point and all you can do is ensure she is safe.

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 11:59

You empty her bin?
Condoms in it? With sperm in them?

A HUGE problem with respect methinks.
My DD would never, ever, do this. Nor have sex at 15.

CHRIST. Boundaries.

Bluesprinkles12 · 13/12/2023 11:59

Even though 15 is young it’s a pretty normal age to start having sex nowadays.

None of the ‘leaving the door open’, not allowing her boyfriend in her bedroom will help. Young, hormonal teenagers will find ways to have sex anyway. I would say don’t put any ‘punishment’ in place as that will prevent your daughter from being open about any boy issues in the future. Have a frank and open conversation with her about sex safety and consider getting her on the pill or the implant as I wouldn’t trust her or the boyfriend to always think about condoms in the moment. That’s all you can do.

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:01

No, bollocks.

THIS is exactly when you HAVE to parent. Especially "these days"

Foxesandsquirrels · 13/12/2023 12:01

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 11:59

You empty her bin?
Condoms in it? With sperm in them?

A HUGE problem with respect methinks.
My DD would never, ever, do this. Nor have sex at 15.

CHRIST. Boundaries.

I can see your point about the bin thing but it always makes me laugh when parents are so adamant their 15 year old would never ever have sex at 15.

bengalcat · 13/12/2023 12:01

Second the above comment on implant/pill

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:02

Foxesandsquirrels · 13/12/2023 12:01

I can see your point about the bin thing but it always makes me laugh when parents are so adamant their 15 year old would never ever have sex at 15.

Show quote history

Glad you laugh.

LIZS · 13/12/2023 12:03

If she is old enough for sex , she is old enough to empty her own bin!

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2023 12:03

I'd be extremely concerned if she's not using another form of contraception. She's going to end up pregnant, and what a disater that would be for a teen.

Bpickle1 · 13/12/2023 12:03

Sorry but I'm pretty sure that's statutory rape as your DD is under the age of consent and other party is over. The difference between 15 and 17 can be quite large depending on the individuals - why can't he hang around with girls his own age?

ChateauDuMont · 13/12/2023 12:04

What did you think they were doing in her room? Playing dominoes?

You have facilitated this by allowing an older teenager into your home and letting him be with your daughter in private.

It's a bit late to bolt the stable door....

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:04

HRT cases breast cancer and all that shit.

Yet, start them off at 15 on hge amounts of hormones.
Dear God.

sunshinesupermum · 13/12/2023 12:04

Why are you emptying her bin???

It's too late to bolt the door so to speak. You can only reiterate they have safe sex I'm afraid.

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 13/12/2023 12:05

LIZS · 13/12/2023 12:03

If she is old enough for sex , she is old enough to empty her own bin!

Well quite!!
I think the horse has bolted somewhat now OP, they won’t stop having sex again just because you’ve said you’d rather they didn’t so the best thing you can do is ensure she is on a secondary form of contraception besides condoms, a long acting one.

magicofthefae · 13/12/2023 12:05

Yeah 15 is too young emotionally for sex. Her bf being two years older doesn't help him having that mental and emotional advantage over her to manipulate her to his will.

But be glad she felt comfortable enough to tell you, instead of hide it, like many teenagers do. It shows you have good rapport with her.

If you try to stop it, he will only take her to his place/his parent's place. Or outdoors.

At this point, make sure she is using double barrier contraception eg condoms, plus a hormonal contraceptive, such as the implant they put in your arm (so there's no forgetting missed pill days). Last thing you want is an accidental pregnancy. Also, encourage her to get regular STD testing, as even condoms can't protect 100% against certain STDs, eg crabs, tric, etc. You don't know how faithful he will be to her or for how long, or whether he has an STD from a prior relationship.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 13/12/2023 12:07

Bpickle1 · 13/12/2023 12:03

Sorry but I'm pretty sure that's statutory rape as your DD is under the age of consent and other party is over. The difference between 15 and 17 can be quite large depending on the individuals - why can't he hang around with girls his own age?

  1. There is no such criminal offence in the UK.

  2. Police have absolutely zero interest in making it a criminal matter when teens just below the age of consent have sex with teens above, unless it could be classed as rape without the age issue involved.

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:07

Whatever happens.

Beware the internet and your CHILDS mental health.

Marmiteidea · 13/12/2023 12:09

My DD is turning 15 and has a boyfriend. I dread this stuff because I’m a Mum and I’m human but we have discussed it at length because 15 year olds can get carried away and they need adult guidance.

Ultimately the way I see this stage is that we should encourage them not to have sex but ultimately this is their private life and so we need to respect them as the developing into adulthood person they are.

If they start having sex then they need proper long term contraception sorted.

CatMadam · 13/12/2023 12:10

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:01

No, bollocks.

THIS is exactly when you HAVE to parent. Especially "these days"

Parenting in this situation would involve making sure the daughter is on birth control and ensuring she feels safe discussing sex/relationships with op, not shaming her or forbidding her from seeing the boyfriend- that would only lead to her sneaking around.

magicofthefae · 13/12/2023 12:13

@adriftabroad

Hormonal contraceptives have been linked to breast cancer. But they've also been linked to lower rates of other types of cancer, I think of the womb or ovaries.

Plus your increased risk of cancer becomes on par to those who never took the pill, after 10 years of non use. So she has at least 2 decades of use before that would become a real increased risk statistically.

PinkFizz1 · 13/12/2023 12:14

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 11:59

You empty her bin?
Condoms in it? With sperm in them?

A HUGE problem with respect methinks.
My DD would never, ever, do this. Nor have sex at 15.

CHRIST. Boundaries.

My DD would never, ever, do this. Nor have sex at 15.

😂😂😂😂😂

magicofthefae · 13/12/2023 12:15

@sunshinesupermum

Yeah she should empty her own bin at 15. Don't be her maid, she's 15, not 5.

Original poster
NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 12:15

wow wasnt expecting the bin to be the problem! she usually empties it herself but i had a black bag open doing some cleaning and thought id empty the kids bins as well as mine while i was at it. they would empty mine too if they were doing their own, its not about them not being old enough or mature enough to empty their own bin.

anyway yes i realise i was naive letting them go upstairs. i do hear them being silly they do kareoke and i can hear them playing card games ( so no i dont think dominoes is out of the question, im kidding) but yes i realise this is my fault, but this isnt the first time, she had sex for first time a couple months ago with some lad she hardly knows in a woods. so i think i was just happy that shes met a nice boy who seems to treat her well.

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:15

The disparity of argument for a child taking x10 hormones vs a menopausal woman is laughable.

yikesanotherbooboo · 13/12/2023 12:16

I don't think you can realistically stop them having sex now. You don't need to make it easy for them and they should be using adequate contraception ie condoms + implant or pill. Help her to access this .