Page 2 | Dd15 having sex

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 2023-12-13T11:51:07+00:00

Just after some advice Dd15 has a lovely bf who is 17 He treats her nicely and is lovely to me and my younger son The other week she told me they had had sex. I made sure she had been safe (she had) and that he was respectful but I also told her that she is very young and also him being older is also an issue. I strongly tried to encourage her too wait until she's a bit older However emptying her bin and there are condoms in there. He is allowed in the house and in her room but they have to leave the door open. This clearly hasn't stopped them! It's only a small flat so they're either in her room or hanging out with me in the living room! It's freezing here so they go out for an hour but then want to be inside. If I tell her he's not allowed in her room I think she will either end up doing it outdoors or somewhere else. How do I navigate this without her thinking it's just all fine (or indeed is it all just fine??)

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:16

PinkFizz1 · 13/12/2023 12:14

My DD would never, ever, do this. Nor have sex at 15.

😂😂😂😂😂

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We clearly raise our daughters differently.

SoftandQuiet · 13/12/2023 12:17

ChateauDuMont · 13/12/2023 12:04

What did you think they were doing in her room? Playing dominoes?

You have facilitated this by allowing an older teenager into your home and letting him be with your daughter in private.

It's a bit late to bolt the stable door....

Made me laugh remembering the day my boyfriends mum came in her house, stormed up the stairs and burst into his room to see us playing chess on his bed. We used to go outside a lot though!

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 13/12/2023 12:17

You need to get her on some additional contraception as everyone is saying. It's not that uncommon for a 15 hopefully nearly 16 year old to have sex, hopefully with a just 17 year old not a nearly 18 year old but the age is irrelevant as its already happened. I think you need to talk to them about respect of your home and say that although you know they've had sex your not condoning it but your not going to lecture and that you'd rather they didn't do it in your house or you'd rather they didn't do it when your home, whatever you want. It sounds like you have a good relationship for her to talk to so keep supporting her, and remember she's still your little girl.

Original poster

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 12:18

but regardless of what i have or havent done im just wondering what the best steps going forward are?
i will obviously make sure she is on contraception, but letting them hang out in her room feels like im giving permission, but if i dont they are going to be going out doing it god knows where? but maybe thats better i dont know

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ThatsMsAtomicBob · 13/12/2023 12:18

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:04

HRT cases breast cancer and all that shit.

Yet, start them off at 15 on hge amounts of hormones.
Dear God.

HRT does not cause breast cancer. HRT is a wide spectrum of treatments. Also HRT is not the same as contraception.

wherethewildthingsgo · 13/12/2023 12:19

I think you should continue doing what you are doing. A lot of teenagers have sex at 15 (I did). I didn't discuss it with my mum.

She is being open and honest with you, which is a really good thing and a good sign of your relationship. I can't really tell what you're uncomfortable about, whether it's the fact they are doing it at your house or doing it full stop? Either way I agree with you that doing it at your house is preferable to outside or in a car (although TBH I'm sure they will try that too for fun). I think keep supporting her, set the boundaries you feel comfortable with and teach her about consent and healthy sexual practices.

HandyLittleGadget · 13/12/2023 12:19

Telling your daughter not to have sex until she's older isn't going to work when she's already been having sex. Take her to get the DEPO injection

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:20

ThatsMsAtomicBob · 13/12/2023 12:18

HRT does not cause breast cancer. HRT is a wide spectrum of treatments. Also HRT is not the same as contraception.

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I KNOW THAT.

Original poster

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 12:22

wherethewildthingsgo · 13/12/2023 12:19

I think you should continue doing what you are doing. A lot of teenagers have sex at 15 (I did). I didn't discuss it with my mum.

She is being open and honest with you, which is a really good thing and a good sign of your relationship. I can't really tell what you're uncomfortable about, whether it's the fact they are doing it at your house or doing it full stop? Either way I agree with you that doing it at your house is preferable to outside or in a car (although TBH I'm sure they will try that too for fun). I think keep supporting her, set the boundaries you feel comfortable with and teach her about consent and healthy sexual practices.

thank you. im not sure, i think a lot of it is im uncomfortable with her having sex full stop but that ship has sailed. but also maybe that i SHOULD be putting more boundaries in place. she is my eldest and my mum was incredibly strict which backfired so i feel like i dont really know what im doing for the best sometimes and wish i had someone to tell me what to do

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adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:25

Look OP, she is 15, he is a child, has shagged a random in the woods and thinks it is ok to leave sperm filled condoms in the bin.

Good luck.

Truly hope he is not sharing all this with his friends.

17 year olds should not be shagging 15 year olds.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2023 12:25

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:20

I KNOW THAT.

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Calm down.

If you "know that", why would you mention HRT on a thread about a 15 year old girl. I also wouldn't be too smug about what you think your daughter would or would not do.

Original poster

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 12:26

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:25

Look OP, she is 15, he is a child, has shagged a random in the woods and thinks it is ok to leave sperm filled condoms in the bin.

Good luck.

Truly hope he is not sharing all this with his friends.

17 year olds should not be shagging 15 year olds.

what advice would you give? what should i do now, rather than tell me how awful we are, constructive advice would be more than welcomed

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partion · 13/12/2023 12:27

Hi OP, I'm not quite sure why people are finding an issue with you emptying her bin 😳 I empty all of the bins in my house when I'm cleaning , normal? No?

I met my now husband when I was 15 & he was 17. We had sex all of the time my mum certainly had concerns at the time. Now that I'm 28 and he's 30 the age gap is absolutely nothing.

Their teenagers who are in a relationship they will of course have sex, as long as they are both being safe I don't see an issue.

Personally, I wouldn't mind the door closed. They are going to do it regardless. Maybe have a chat with her regarding contraception and about being safe etc.

It's your home , your rules , chat to her

I think the only 'issue' is the age but like I said I was with my boyfriend at the exact same age and were still together years later. 15 & 17 is very very common.

Dartmoorcheffy · 13/12/2023 12:27

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:16

We clearly raise our daughters differently.

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I'm.pretty sure my mum thought she had raised me differently too. So there was absolutely no way I would have told her I was having sex at 15 or she would have grounded me indefinitely.

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:28

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2023 12:25

Calm down.

If you "know that", why would you mention HRT on a thread about a 15 year old girl. I also wouldn't be too smug about what you think your daughter would or would not do.

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You have totally and utterly missed my point.

Which was a feminist point about female health and the disparity once it is no longer to do with male ejaculation.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 13/12/2023 12:28

How off 18 is he? How off 16i s she?

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 13/12/2023 12:29

I actually think it’s great that she’s spoken to you about this op. I was the same age when I first slept with my boyfriend at the time, who was very nearly 18, and didn’t feel I could speak to my mum. When she found out, she hit the roof and made it absolutely certain I’d never want to share anything with her again! It made me feel so ashamed when actually it was a loving relationship with a good guy. Yes I was young but it certainly didn’t damage me in any way. We stayed together a further 3 years and our relationship just came to a natural end.

magicofthefae · 13/12/2023 12:29

Sorry about the bin. Didn't understand.

Just keep up the good relationship you have with her. Most teenagers don't feel comfortable enough to tell their parents, it's a compliment to your parenting style.

Would you feel more comfortable if they only did it, when you're out the house? Or that they're not loud? Whatever boundaries you're comfortable with, communicate it with her. I'm sure she'll try to accommodate it to some extent.

Also, try to engage with how emotionally it's making her feel. The last thing you want is for her to fall head over heels with this guy, and he sees it as casual. So get her to explore her feelings, what she wants and get a gauge of the guy and whether he is on the same ish page.

Original poster

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 12:29

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 13/12/2023 12:28

How off 18 is he? How off 16i s she?

he will be 18 a few weeks before she turns 16, which i know also isnt good

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Wednesday6 · 13/12/2023 12:30

I started having sex at 15 with bf who was 17.. nothing could have stopped us!

Pookerrod · 13/12/2023 12:30

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 12:22

thank you. im not sure, i think a lot of it is im uncomfortable with her having sex full stop but that ship has sailed. but also maybe that i SHOULD be putting more boundaries in place. she is my eldest and my mum was incredibly strict which backfired so i feel like i dont really know what im doing for the best sometimes and wish i had someone to tell me what to do

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The only thing you need to do is get her on the pill/injection/implant.

She is with a lovely boy, she likes having sex with him. It is what it is.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong here or made any mistakes so don’t beat yourself up. You clearly have a strong relationship with her because she has been open about all this with you so you are winning on the parenting front!

No need to put in any additional rules or boundaries. You’re doing a great job!

Nicole1111 · 13/12/2023 12:31

If you have a warm and loving relationship with your daughter where you have provided education yet she still feels she can confide in you then you are an excellent parent, and that will keep her far safer than putting in boundaries that will only push her out of the house and in to potentially taking risks she might not confide in you about.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2023 12:31

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:28

You have totally and utterly missed my point.

Which was a feminist point about female health and the disparity once it is no longer to do with male ejaculation.

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Apparently, we all missed your "point", one that was completely wrong, anyway. HRT does not cause breast cancer.

Original poster

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 12:31

@Pookerrod thank you that means a lot

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Original poster

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 12:32

Nicole1111 · 13/12/2023 12:31

If you have a warm and loving relationship with your daughter where you have provided education yet she still feels she can confide in you then you are an excellent parent, and that will keep her far safer than putting in boundaries that will only push her out of the house and in to potentially taking risks she might not confide in you about.

thank you :)

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