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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd15 having sex

180 replies

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 11:51

Just after some advice

Dd15 has a lovely bf who is 17
He treats her nicely and is lovely to me and my younger son

The other week she told me they had had sex. I made sure she had been safe (she had) and that he was respectful but I also told her that she is very young and also him being older is also an issue. I strongly tried to encourage her too wait until she's a bit older

However emptying her bin and there are condoms in there.

He is allowed in the house and in her room but they have to leave the door open. This clearly hasn't stopped them!

It's only a small flat so they're either in her room or hanging out with me in the living room! It's freezing here so they go out for an hour but then want to be inside.

If I tell her he's not allowed in her room I think she will either end up doing it outdoors or somewhere else.

How do I navigate this without her thinking it's just all fine (or indeed is it all just fine??)

OP posts:
Lorelaigilmore88 · 13/12/2023 12:34

Whenever i read these threads they are always depressingly full of the usual permissive comments along the lines of 'you can't stop them having sex' as though its somehow inevitable that all kids have underage sex.
She's a child. She's got her whole life to enjoy having sex.
You've given her far too much freedom and frankly I think she's taking the piss by leaving her used condoms in her room for you to empty. That clearly means they are having sex in her room, despite what you've said about leaving the door open etc.

Marmiteidea · 13/12/2023 12:35

wherethewildthingsgo · 13/12/2023 12:19

I think you should continue doing what you are doing. A lot of teenagers have sex at 15 (I did). I didn't discuss it with my mum.

She is being open and honest with you, which is a really good thing and a good sign of your relationship. I can't really tell what you're uncomfortable about, whether it's the fact they are doing it at your house or doing it full stop? Either way I agree with you that doing it at your house is preferable to outside or in a car (although TBH I'm sure they will try that too for fun). I think keep supporting her, set the boundaries you feel comfortable with and teach her about consent and healthy sexual practices.

@wherethewildthingsgo is giving good advice here

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 12:35

anyway yes i realise i was naive letting them go upstairs

Upstairs in your small flat?

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:36

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2023 12:31

Apparently, we all missed your "point", one that was completely wrong, anyway. HRT does not cause breast cancer.

Show quote history

Jesus.

I am on HRT. I KNOW it doesvnot cause breast cancer.
Have you tried to get it?

Likely, you will be told it cause breast cancer.

Back to OP.

He is nearly 18 and shagging your15 year old?

No. Nothing constructive to say.
Best of luck.

ThatsMsAtomicBob · 13/12/2023 12:37

Adriftabroad

*I KNOW THAT
*
So why present it as fact then?

You are awfully confident that your daughter wouldn't do anything like this. Going in your responses here, it's likely she wouldn't tell you if she was.

Original poster
NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 12:37

Lorelaigilmore88 · 13/12/2023 12:34

Whenever i read these threads they are always depressingly full of the usual permissive comments along the lines of 'you can't stop them having sex' as though its somehow inevitable that all kids have underage sex.
She's a child. She's got her whole life to enjoy having sex.
You've given her far too much freedom and frankly I think she's taking the piss by leaving her used condoms in her room for you to empty. That clearly means they are having sex in her room, despite what you've said about leaving the door open etc.

do you have any advice on how to stop it?
saying he cant come into her room? although they will surely just go elsewhere? ban her from seeing him or grounding her?

im not being arsey im genuinely asking

OP posts:
Original poster
NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 12:38

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 12:35

anyway yes i realise i was naive letting them go upstairs

Upstairs in your small flat?

in her bedroom ,not upstairs. just always refer to the bedrooms as upstairs dont know why, habit from living in a house for years

OP posts:
Mrssnee16 · 13/12/2023 12:38

I think you need to sit them both down and talk about the legal ramifications here. He is 17 and she is 15 by law any sex they have, albeit consensual, is, in fact statutory rape. How far away is her 16th birthday. I'd be putting a no bedroom rule in place until she is 16 then it's all legal.

frecklejuice · 13/12/2023 12:39

Ok so she's 15, she's going to have sex whether you like it or not and you obviously want her to do it in a safe place. However she needs a talking to about boundaries and respect, there is no sex to happen while you and her little brother are in the house because that's disrespectful and she also needs to dispose of the condoms respectfully because as much as you know she is having sex you don't want it in your face.

You need to take her or make her an appointment with the GP/practice nurse so she can talk to them about contraception, possibly the pill or implant because there will be that one time when they have no condoms and "once will be ok" then wallop you have a teen pregnancy to deal with.

The sex in the woods with a boy she hardly knows would bother me more, talk to her about having respect for herself and her body. She doesn't need to give it up so easily at such a young age and teen boys have big mouths which leads to gossip.

You can't stop her but you can make sure she is protected and also make sure she knows that she can say no at any time if she decides it's not for her right now.

As for all the pearl clutchers kids have sex 🤷‍♀️

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 12:40

@Mrssnee16

by law any sex they have, albeit consensual, is, in fact statutory rape.

By which law?

Winnipeggy · 13/12/2023 12:42

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:25

Look OP, she is 15, he is a child, has shagged a random in the woods and thinks it is ok to leave sperm filled condoms in the bin.

Good luck.

Truly hope he is not sharing all this with his friends.

17 year olds should not be shagging 15 year olds.

Seriously, are you ok?

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:42

ThatsMsAtomicBob · 13/12/2023 12:37

Adriftabroad

*I KNOW THAT
*
So why present it as fact then?

You are awfully confident that your daughter wouldn't do anything like this. Going in your responses here, it's likely she wouldn't tell you if she was.

Yes.

We all have different goals for or DDs.
Also, our DDs have different goals for themselves.

Mrssnee16 · 13/12/2023 12:43

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 12:40

@Mrssnee16

by law any sex they have, albeit consensual, is, in fact statutory rape.

By which law?

What do you by which law, unless I've been living under a rock sex under 16 was against the law and any1 over the age of 16 having sex with a minor is against the law, uk law anyway unless the OP doesn't live in the UK??

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 13/12/2023 12:44

Make sure contraception is water tight... I met my ex at 16.. He was 21..I had dd 2 weeks off 18...
Befriend him ime. Family meals
. Coffee at Costa. Make him see dd is well loved and respected.. Let him know you expect the same from him for her. Never too old for helicopter parenting. Now more than ever it's essential ime.

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 12:44

I mean which law, defines this as statutory rape?

You are making a bold and incorrect statement so I'm asking you to back it up

Sorry for @Mrssnee16

Foxesandsquirrels · 13/12/2023 12:45

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:02

Glad you laugh.

Show quote history

I'm laughing at your naivety. I am not laughing at the seriousness of a 15 year old having sex with a 17 year old. Or even having sex period. Your naivety and confidence is laughable.

Madameprof · 13/12/2023 12:45

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 12:18

but regardless of what i have or havent done im just wondering what the best steps going forward are?
i will obviously make sure she is on contraception, but letting them hang out in her room feels like im giving permission, but if i dont they are going to be going out doing it god knows where? but maybe thats better i dont know

There's no point 'giving permission ' or ' not giving permission ' for teenagers to have sex. If they want to they will, one way or another.

All you can do is offer frank advice on contraception and stds.

Foxesandsquirrels · 13/12/2023 12:46

Mrssnee16 · 13/12/2023 12:43

What do you by which law, unless I've been living under a rock sex under 16 was against the law and any1 over the age of 16 having sex with a minor is against the law, uk law anyway unless the OP doesn't live in the UK??

Show quote history

16 year olds in England can have sex with whoever they like unless it's someone in a position of power eg teacher.

GotMooMilk · 13/12/2023 12:46

You sound like a lovely mum. I would speak to both at once (yes super awkward but suck it up) and talk about safety, plans for contraception and also respect if they are having sex in your home.
I wouldn’t ban it now- they will do it somewhere risky instead. I’d recommend an implant or depo as they’re fairly failsafe.
I am a contraception nurse and wouldn’t bat an eyelid at this situation- police wouldn’t be less interested.
And @adriftabroad be careful of your attitude- it’s the daughters of parents like who who come in hiding pregnancies and being clueless about risk.

Mrssnee16 · 13/12/2023 12:48

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 12:44

I mean which law, defines this as statutory rape?

You are making a bold and incorrect statement so I'm asking you to back it up

Sorry for @Mrssnee16

Edited

Pretty sure you you type to Google about the age of consent in the uk it will provide the proof to back up my " bold and incorrect statement " the ops daughter is 15 therefore under the legal age for giving consent and the boyfriend is 17.

evenbarnyardanimals · 13/12/2023 12:49

Is she keeping up with her schoolwork OP? You really need to get her to prioritise that at this age, that's going to affect her earning potential.
Make sure her contraception is effective, keep her close and keep him close to so you can keep an eye on him /his treatment of her.
Just bang on about GCSEs ....she must be doing mocks around now. Get her to concentrate hard. Good luck

Mrssnee16 · 13/12/2023 12:49

Foxesandsquirrels · 13/12/2023 12:46

16 year olds in England can have sex with whoever they like unless it's someone in a position of power eg teacher.

Show quote history

Yes indeed a 16 year can have sex with anyone they want however, the ops daughter is not yet 16

Mummyme87 · 13/12/2023 12:49

Those thinking their teenagers don’t or wouldn’t have sex 😂😂😂 deluded. If they want sex they will find a place to do it, they don’t need access to a bedroom. Been there done that as a teenager.

Devonshiregal · 13/12/2023 12:50

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:01

No, bollocks.

THIS is exactly when you HAVE to parent. Especially "these days"

Well this is incredibly rude.

Firstly, the OP has a daughter who is openly telling her mother she’s started having sex and is doing so using precautions - OP must be doing something right there.

Secondly, what’s “these days” in this context. The vast vast majority of girls I knew at school and from other schools lost their virginity at 15/16. In fact lots of us felt oh nooo I’m so late losing it at 16! This was 20 years ago!

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 12:50

@Mrssnee16

Which law, specifically, defines this as statutory rape, is what I asked. Back up your statement.

I don't need signposted to google the age of consent Confused