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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd15 having sex

180 replies

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 11:51

Just after some advice

Dd15 has a lovely bf who is 17
He treats her nicely and is lovely to me and my younger son

The other week she told me they had had sex. I made sure she had been safe (she had) and that he was respectful but I also told her that she is very young and also him being older is also an issue. I strongly tried to encourage her too wait until she's a bit older

However emptying her bin and there are condoms in there.

He is allowed in the house and in her room but they have to leave the door open. This clearly hasn't stopped them!

It's only a small flat so they're either in her room or hanging out with me in the living room! It's freezing here so they go out for an hour but then want to be inside.

If I tell her he's not allowed in her room I think she will either end up doing it outdoors or somewhere else.

How do I navigate this without her thinking it's just all fine (or indeed is it all just fine??)

OP posts:
Lorelaigilmore88 · 13/12/2023 12:50

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 12:37

do you have any advice on how to stop it?
saying he cant come into her room? although they will surely just go elsewhere? ban her from seeing him or grounding her?

im not being arsey im genuinely asking

Show quote history

I honestly think you need to be a lot firmer with her. You seem to have accepted it because its already happened.
I would be telling my daughter that I'm incredibly disappointed in her and teach her to value herself and her body and that so far you have trusted her to make the right decisions and you are disappointed that she hasn't.
And yes, if i couldn't be assured that she can't make the right decisions for herself i would not welcome him in my house.

everyredsock · 13/12/2023 12:51

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 11:59

You empty her bin?
Condoms in it? With sperm in them?

A HUGE problem with respect methinks.
My DD would never, ever, do this. Nor have sex at 15.

CHRIST. Boundaries.

Oh for f**k sake. Get real.
Teenagers have sex. And yes, 15 year olds have sex.
Your 'advice' is completely unhelpful and mean spirited.

everyredsock · 13/12/2023 12:53

Why do people have a problem with the mum emptying her DD's bin. So strange!

Arosebyanyname · 13/12/2023 12:54

So going against the trend here, but if he's nice, she likes him and they are close in age (although harder if she is just 15 and he's nearly 18) then I think a discussion about being respectful to you (wrap condoms and empty bin, no noise) and making sure she is fully protected against pregnancy through the pill or implant as well as STIs then this isn't a relationship I would discourage.

Mummyme87 · 13/12/2023 12:54

Yes @Devonshiregal you’re right, I first had sex at 14, that was 22yrs ago! Nothing about ‘these days’, I would say more girls were having sex earlier 15-20yrs ago versus now. And we didn’t tell parents

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:54

"These days" = social media.
"Telling you she is having sex" does not = leaving used condoms in a bin.
18 in 3 weeks does not equal no responsibilty legally. 18 vs 15.

My DD is doing her GCSes. Thanks for the concern.

Mrssnee16 · 13/12/2023 12:55

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 12:50

@Mrssnee16

Which law, specifically, defines this as statutory rape, is what I asked. Back up your statement.

I don't need signposted to google the age of consent Confused

Edited

The sexual offences act 2003 defines the legal age for sexual consent age is 16. Ops daughter is under 16 and the boyfriend is 17.

bostonchamps · 13/12/2023 12:56

If @adriftabroad clutches their pearls any harder they'll turn to dust.

OP I was your DD, 20 years ago. My (excellent and wonderful) Mum set some clear boundaries - my birth control packet had to be in the bathroom cupboard so she could see I was taking it, never when she was in the house, talk to her if I ever felt uncomfortable. And I did! And when that boy broke my tiny teenage heart a year later she let me bawl my eyes out over her. We have an excellent relationship now, and I'm not a shell of a human being for having sex before some arbitrary age. Keep doing what you're doing!

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 12:56

@Mrssnee16

The sexual offences act 2003 defines the legal age for sexual consent age is 16. Ops daughter is under 16 and the boyfriend is 17.

That's not what I asked though.

MyBigFatGreekSalad · 13/12/2023 12:57

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 11:59

You empty her bin?
Condoms in it? With sperm in them?

A HUGE problem with respect methinks.
My DD would never, ever, do this. Nor have sex at 15.

CHRIST. Boundaries.

That's what you think😂

Or Maybe your daughter just isn't as open with you as OP's?
Let's not judge ay?

Pookerrod · 13/12/2023 12:58

Lorelaigilmore88 · 13/12/2023 12:50

I honestly think you need to be a lot firmer with her. You seem to have accepted it because its already happened.
I would be telling my daughter that I'm incredibly disappointed in her and teach her to value herself and her body and that so far you have trusted her to make the right decisions and you are disappointed that she hasn't.
And yes, if i couldn't be assured that she can't make the right decisions for herself i would not welcome him in my house.

Show quote history

Why does the OP’s DD not value herself and her body?

Mrssnee16 · 13/12/2023 12:58

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 12:56

@Mrssnee16

The sexual offences act 2003 defines the legal age for sexual consent age is 16. Ops daughter is under 16 and the boyfriend is 17.

That's not what I asked though.

You asked by which law I gave u the name your questions are being absolutely ridiculous if you thinknits ok for a 17 year old to be having sex with a 15 year old.

In the United Kingdom, statutory rape is a type of sexual offense that occurs when one person has sexual intercourse with another person who is under the age of consent. The age of consent for sexual activity in the UK is 16 years old. This means that it is illegal for someone to have sexual intercourse with someone who is under the age of 16, even if the other person consents to the activity

SgtJuneAckland · 13/12/2023 13:00

@adriftabroad 😂 I was always a very high achiever, did well at school, head girl, sports captain etc, had goals and aspirations (which I've achieved), everyone thought that butter wouldn't melt. No way did my mum think I was having sex at 15, I absolutely was.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 13/12/2023 13:01

Taking the positives, she appears to have a good relationship with you and that fact she isn't hiding it as at least something. She's also using contraception so it could be worse.

If it were my DD, I would have the conversation again-

Basically said you thing she's too young but can't stop her but would like her to be considerate of the following:

  1. Increasing her contraception- pill and condoms or injection and condoms
  2. The STI conversation - she probably won't listen but still worth having
  3. Consent/respect/dignity/comfort conversation
  4. No photos or filming - age, illegal, unwise
  5. The cost of unplanned pregnancies etc.

Wrap it up with hope you'll continue to discuss anything you need to with me, can always talk to me about anything. I don't want to be a nagging mum, but I love you and want you to be secure/safe/informed it. It's my job as parent etc.

You can't control everything. You can only give her guidance and hope she listens.

titchy · 13/12/2023 13:02

Yes it's illegal to have sex under 16. Also illegal to drive at 72mph on a motorway. Neither is remotely likely to end up in court.

Neither police nor social services will be remotely interested in a consensual sexual relationship between a 15 year old and her 17/18 yo boyfriend - I'm assuming there's two school years between them?

There is no such law as statutory rape.

I'd have been far far far more concerned about her having sex with a random in the wood tbh. As long as she is not being pressured, and he is kind and respectful, I can't say I'd get too worked up about this tbh.

Contrary to some MNers offspring it is entirely possible to have sex in year 11 AND do well at school.

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 13:03

@Mrssnee16

You asked by which law I gave u the name your questions are being absolutely ridiculous if you thinknits ok for a 17 year old to be having sex with a 15 year old.

I haven't said this is ok though?

I am asking which law states this situation would be statutory rape.

SirChenjins · 13/12/2023 13:04

Teenagers have sex - in fact, we were having sex as teenagers 40 years ago and we all went on to be law abiding citizens with good degrees who hold down responsible jobs. Some of the posts on here are very funny - so much hand wringing.

As the more sensible pp's have said, there's not much you can do about it now other than to encourage her to use long acting contraception as well as condoms, and make sure she knows how to get the morning after pill. No need to barricade her into her room, conduct an exorcism or chase him out of the village with a pitchfork.

Mrssnee16 · 13/12/2023 13:05

titchy · 13/12/2023 13:02

Yes it's illegal to have sex under 16. Also illegal to drive at 72mph on a motorway. Neither is remotely likely to end up in court.

Neither police nor social services will be remotely interested in a consensual sexual relationship between a 15 year old and her 17/18 yo boyfriend - I'm assuming there's two school years between them?

There is no such law as statutory rape.

I'd have been far far far more concerned about her having sex with a random in the wood tbh. As long as she is not being pressured, and he is kind and respectful, I can't say I'd get too worked up about this tbh.

Contrary to some MNers offspring it is entirely possible to have sex in year 11 AND do well at school.

There is such a law.

In the United Kingdom, statutory rape is a type of sexual offense that occurs when one person has sexual intercourse with another person who is under the age of consent. The age of consent for sexual activity in the UK is 16 years old. This means that it is illegal for someone to have sexual intercourse with someone who is under the age of 16, even if the other person consents to the activityStatutory rape is a serious crime that involves sex with a young person, usually under the age of 16. Statutory rape laws vary depending on where you live, but in England and Wales it means sexual intercourse with a child.

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 13:05

So was I. 30 years ago.

Not with the boys and social media and porn in DDs class.

Itis horrifying. She and her friends know it.

One very sad girl (15) with very low self esteem has had sex with 2 boys.Both 17/18. What has happened is tragic. I am so angry about it.

ActDottie · 13/12/2023 13:06

Tbh I’d just be encouraging safe sex tbh. She’s already had sex so it’s done now.

Also going through her bin is a bit Eughh! I’d have gone mad if my parents did this.

CactusMactus · 13/12/2023 13:06

OMG always empty her bin... this way you can snoop.

Well done you for having a 15 year old that talks to you about stuff.

mealplan · 13/12/2023 13:07

Even though 15 seems young she is months away from the legal age. I think it's great that she has told you and you need to ensure she is safe as the priority. Also I agree with other, you can't expect them to stop now.

Any why are you emptying her bin. She is 15! She should be responsible enough to do this if she is responsible enough to have safe sex.

titchy · 13/12/2023 13:09

In the United Kingdom, statutory rape is a type of sexual offense that occurs when one person has sexual intercourse with another person who is under the age of consent.

Incorrect. A child under the age of 13 is not regarded as being old enough to consent - in that respect having sex with a 13 year could be regarded as rape (still no such thing as stat rape though). A 15 year old however is regarded as being able to fully consent in an equal relationship.

PossumintheHouse · 13/12/2023 13:10

I think it’s good that she feels she can talk to you about such things. She isn’t going to stop having sex now. Not a chance.
So the best thing you can do is keep open your healthy lines of communication. Support her and respect her decision. I’d encourage her to go to the doctor’s and take another method of contraception.

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 13:12

@Mrssnee16

In the United Kingdom, statutory rape is a type of sexual offense that occurs when one person has sexual intercourse with another person who is under the age of consent.

This isn't correct. Again, what is your source?