Dd15 having sex

[NoClueWhatImDoing1]

Just after some advice

Dd15 has a lovely bf who is 17
He treats her nicely and is lovely to me and my younger son

The other week she told me they had had sex. I made sure she had been safe (she had) and that he was respectful but I also told her that she is very young and also him being older is also an issue. I strongly tried to encourage her too wait until she's a bit older

However emptying her bin and there are condoms in there.

He is allowed in the house and in her room but they have to leave the door open. This clearly hasn't stopped them!

It's only a small flat so they're either in her room or hanging out with me in the living room! It's freezing here so they go out for an hour but then want to be inside.

If I tell her he's not allowed in her room I think she will either end up doing it outdoors or somewhere else.

How do I navigate this without her thinking it's just all fine (or indeed is it all just fine??)

Me too! Pretty sure my parents were saying “toomuchcawfee would never drink/smoke/have sex she’s a good girl who just gets on with her schoolwork” and they were 100% wrong. Teenagers rebel and push boundaries.

I should however say I respected my body, I made damn sure the people I chose to share it with treated me with respect and I made good decisions that worked well for my life. I have achieved all my goals and the fact I was 15 rather than 16 having sex with my boyfriend was neither here nor there.

In an EQUAL relationship you are right. Where both parties are under 16, although both are technically committing a crime, prosecutors will take into consideration that the purpose of the legislation (mainly Sexual Offences Act 2003) is to protect children, so parliament never intended it to be used to punish children or for criminal law to get involved when not needed.

HOWEVER, the Sexual Offences Act 2003 does state that it is a criminal offence for any kind of sexual act to take place between two people where one or both are under 16. What the penalty would be does depend on the age gap, so if the same age probably nothing, but if you are over 16 and charged with sexual activity with someone age 13-15 you could well be in legal trouble and actually people 18+ are dealt with more severely by the law here. This is specifically because of the power imbalance which that age gap causes, giving way to abuse.

I didn't go through it at all! I've emptied it and condom was at the top I wouldn't rifle through a bin!

They work together and have been friends for a long while. From what she said (obviously she could be lying but I believe her) she initiated everything and it was a while before he agreed to because of the age difference and the worry of getting in trouble

He's a lovely lad and I do believe this. Much nicer than any of her other boyfriends or male friends. He's respectful to her and me, plays with my son, is great with his own little sister and has a great relationship with his own mum

OP sorry you're not getting the advice you asked from from everyone here.

I work with young people in difficult circumstances, and my tuppence worth would be:

• Absolutely great she came and told you. You sound very caring and it's fantastic she trusts you. Hold on to that!

• please do NOT follow the PP's advice above who said you should tell her you're disappointed in her. Please don't do that. Young girls are so fragile, and she trusts you.

• a good idea to have a good conversation with her about the points that @ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees raises. Educate yourself about the risks with revenge porn / non-consensual images etc these days before you have that chat.

• yes to taking her along to the clinic.

But also-

The sex in the woods worries me. It would make me question:
What's her self-esteem like generally? How confident is she within her sense of self / self- value and self-worth?
Has she experienced anything upsetting or traumatic in her life?
What's her body image like?
How's she doing at school?
Does she have interests, hobbies, passions and an idea of what she wants to pursue at college or for a career?
Is she assertive / capable?

Depending on your answers to the above it might be good to make a concerted effort to invest in her sense of confidence and self-esteem. Perhaps encourage and support her hobby, take to see something she's interested in just you and her - eg music gig, performance, exhibition, sporting event, visit a new place etc etc. Basically investing her interests and passions away from the boyfriend.

Then I'd still be accepting of the boyfriend but make sure / keep an eye out and make sure she's clear on healthy boundaries. Above all keep that focus on her next steps so that nomatter what happens with this boyfriend her priority is always on her development and being a success, whatever that means to her. So not getting pregnant or tied down too young and valuing herself.

I think your instinct is right that you can't very well ban them from her bedroom now that she has opened up to you and this would only alienate them and put her in risky situations.

@Mrsttcno1 CPS guidance suggests that a prosecution wouldn't be in the public interest if there are no additional vulnerability/aggravating factors, in circumstances where there is an age gap of less than three years and the younger party reports willing consent. Eg in a relationship where one party is marginally under the age of consent but they are peers to so e extent, like in this case where they work and socialise together

Ok I live in a house, however I have changed details (not the ages or anything crucial to the post) things like sex of siblings, etc and my house

Mumsnet will confirm I've been on for years and have posted about ten children recently

Sorry @adriftabroad - we are at loggerheads for no reason tbh, I completely agree with you! It is shocking that GPs still say that and believe it. I don't want to derail the thread though.

@OrlandointheWilderness 😘I did not explain myself properly!

😂 I wouldn't worry, so am I! I'm out Christmas shopping on my own. I've spent a fair amount and just finished a lovely meal and a couple of pints 😂. A lovely day!

I think you need to tell her that she really doesn’t have to have sex with new boyfriends. That it is fine to build up a relationship with a boy until she has trust in him before choosing to have sex with him. Any boy who pressures her into sex isn’t respecting her choices or her body. But if she does then she needs a better form of contraception than condoms, though using condoms should continue as it offers some protection against some STD.

I would also point out that this is her second partner within a few months, and unfortunately things being what they are there is a likelihood of her getting dissed for this on social media, being called horrible names etc. It doesn’t happen to boys, but yes, it does happen to young girls.

I would also talk to her about taking or sending intimate photos or videos to this or any other boyfriend.

It’s a minefield for young people these days. She is heartbreakingly young to have to deal with all the social, physical and emotional pressures that come with having sexual experiences.

And I agree with the poster above about encouraging her to have wider interests, focus on her school work etc. ,maybe limit the number of evenings the bf comes round. And yes, her self esteem is important , build it up at every opportunity, help her to vocalise if she doesn’t want to do something, encourage her to think of what she needs to do to achieve her future dreams and ambitions.

Agree with the pp
Also, can you sit them both down to talk and explain the realities of having sex with a minor and the possible implications of that? Tell them, under no circumstances should this be happening again, for both of their sakes and at least until it is legal. By law your daughter is not old enough to consent. It's as simple as that.

I would explain this and then explain to your daughter what can happen to her boyfriend and charges that can be brought and stick with him for life. I think that's the only angle a 15 year old who is 'in love' might really take in..

Although the OP has admitted she's changed a few details, so this isn't relevant anymore, the explanation isn't far fetched at all. I live in a bungalow currently and still refer to the bedrooms as "upstairs." It's just a habit.

@NoClueWhatImDoing1

Mumsnet will confirm I've been on for years and have posted about ten children recently

So you have 10 children? Becsue this brings another aspect into play when you have a 17 year old in your house, out of your sight and then having sex.

That was supposed to say teen 😂🙈 sorry

I think the talk I would be having with her would be what would she do now if she missed her period? How long before she would wonder if she was pregnant? How soon after would she do a pregnancy test and if the result is positive what are her plans then? Does she understand the different abortion options given how far along she would be? Would she carry the child to term? Would she want to raise the child or give it up for adoption? How would she pay for that child?

What would she do if she noticed she had sores or itchiness around her genitals? How long before she realised she needed to be tested for STIs? Does she know what the tests are? Where she can get them?

These are the cold, hard facts of having sex. Make adult choices, get adult responsibilities. My children know how many people post on MN about unplanned pregnancies as adults including some posted today or yesterday. Teens fuck up too. What she needs to do is have a plan about contraception and understand the limitations of those contraceptive choices especially if you are only relying on condoms.

You know that pregnancy is much more dangerous than the contraceptive pill, right?

Thank you yes I will do this

OP please ignore all the judgy pants on here.
It's happened. They are teenagers and it's what they do. Cast your mind back to when you were around that age.
I have been in your situation.
They are going to continue. Not suddenly stop. Let's be realistic.
Keep her safe. Contraception. Double up. Pill and condoms or whatever she, you, GP decide and have a grown up discussion with her.
They are definitely not going to stop doing it now.
Would you rather her do it out in a field or in her bedroom. That's the question.

But more importantly

Why isn't she emptying her own bin 🤣🤣🤣

They would find somewhere to go and do it anyway whether or not they were allowed in to her room . And the age gap is perfectly ok . You should have had stronger boundaries OP and spoke to the pair of them about the importance of waiting until your daughter was 16 and on the pill . I would not have allowed them in the room together despite the fact they would do it anyway some where else . Now you have set a precedent, if she dates someone else she will expect to be allowed to do it again . would not have dreamt of sleeping with a boy at 15 because the consequences from my parents would have been awful. I probably would have been frogmarched to the police station with the boy .

😂

He probably does present as lovely compared to a 15 year old. He is nearly an adult, more socially developed and more confident in himself. Which is exactly why your dd is vulnerable as she will be smitten by his apparent "maturity".

There would be no worry/trouble if he really was a nice lad, respected her being so much younger and underage and kept it in his pants until she was a bit older. Just do not let your guard down and keep an eye on her as she is too young if she gets out of her depth. I am only saying this as I have been there with my niece and her "lovely" boyfriend and they didn't even have a large age gap.

Not sure the OP could win here really. Tons of 17 year olds are absolute assholes. My DDs 15 year old bf is very similar to what Op describes this boy as. They do exist. If they're assholes at 15.... they're often still assholes 1-2 years later I'm afraid.

I don’t think there’s much you can do, you can’t really stop them having sex, all you can do is give her advice and make sure she’s taking enough precautions, does she know what to do if a condom splits? Does she know where to go to get the morning after pill?

Stopping her boyfriend from being in her room will just make them go somewhere else to do it. I started having sex at 15 with someone much older, he wasn’t allowed in my room at all so we would do it outside (feel is really ick talking about it now). I don’t think anything or anyone would have stopped me, I thought I was in love and because he was older felt I had to have sex to keep him. Yes I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship let alone having sex.