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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd15 having sex

180 replies

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 11:51

Just after some advice

Dd15 has a lovely bf who is 17
He treats her nicely and is lovely to me and my younger son

The other week she told me they had had sex. I made sure she had been safe (she had) and that he was respectful but I also told her that she is very young and also him being older is also an issue. I strongly tried to encourage her too wait until she's a bit older

However emptying her bin and there are condoms in there.

He is allowed in the house and in her room but they have to leave the door open. This clearly hasn't stopped them!

It's only a small flat so they're either in her room or hanging out with me in the living room! It's freezing here so they go out for an hour but then want to be inside.

If I tell her he's not allowed in her room I think she will either end up doing it outdoors or somewhere else.

How do I navigate this without her thinking it's just all fine (or indeed is it all just fine??)

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 13/12/2023 13:17

It’s such a tricky situation OP. DH & I have been together since we were young and we were 16 when we first had sex, so not a million miles off 15, but I think the crucial thing was we were BOTH 16.

I think it does sound as though you’ve allowed her more freedom than she was mature enough for, because at 15 having had sex with someone in the woods and then having sex with the door open in your mums home and leaving your cum filled condoms in the bin for anyone to find is really not okay! I would say it’s time to put strict boundaries in place, she will almost definitely thank you for it in the long run.

Funnily enough when I was 15 shortly before I started seeing DH, there was a lad who lived a few streets over, he was 18 and I really fancied him and I spoke to him at the bus stop (yes I cringe about this now as well🤣), he asked me out! We were texting for weeks and weeks and then he asked me to go to his house, I also had a very open relationship with my mum (and still do) so I told her, and she literally laughed and said absolutely not- because “think about it, what would an 18 year old boy see in a 15 year old girl other than what he can get from her”. And at the time I was so upset and angry about it but now I look back and think exactly the same. She said if he truly liked me then he wouldn’t mind waiting until I was older. Surprise surprise, after not even 2 weeks of no contact/seeing him he lost interest (and broke my teenage heart), a few weeks after that I started “seeing” DH who was my own age, so respectful, and the rest is history. I am so glad my mum stepped in when she did because at 15 you are 100% ruled by hormones and what you think is best, you’re also very easily manipulated by a boy you fancy, especially if he is an older boy. Although I didn’t thank her at the time, now in my twenties I am so grateful she stopped me from making that mistake (and many others!) because you do know better than her for now, you can see through things that she simply can’t as a 15 year old girl x

Foxesandsquirrels · 13/12/2023 13:18

Mrssnee16 · 13/12/2023 12:49

Yes indeed a 16 year can have sex with anyone they want however, the ops daughter is not yet 16

Show quote history

I was replying to:

and any1 over the age of 16 having sex with a minor is against the law, uk law anyway unless the OP doesn't live in the UK??

Just clarifying that over 16s can have sex with whoever they like as theres often a misconception that over 16s can't have sex with those over 18.

However a child over the age of 13 having sex with a 16 or 17 year old wouldn't automatically be classed as rape. Its extremely unlikely for a consensual sexual relationship between a 15 and 17 year old to end up in court. It is also not automatically statutory rape. It is classed as sexual assault of which a number of things are, including rape. Even if it did end up in court, prosecution would have to take into account:

  • How close in age and maturity levels those involved are.
  • The relationship of those involved.
  • Whether the person under 16 consented.
  • Whether the sexual activity was a normal part of the process of becoming an adult.
  • Whether the person under 16 was aged 12 or under.

Consensual sexual relationships between teenagers aged15+ are generally seen as quite normal in the UK and are extremely unlikely to end up anywhere near a court.
Kids aged 12 and under and those 8 and under are under different laws as they are seen as completely incapable of consenting, regardless of circumstances.

Aquariass · 13/12/2023 13:18

Discourage it as much as you can since she’s below legal but I would personally have a chat with her about her monthly cycle and the fertile window and encourage her to use an app that tracks it for her so that she knows when to be extra careful and avoid pregnancy without pumping her body full of hormones and potential side effects.

Lakeyloo · 13/12/2023 13:19

frecklejuice · 13/12/2023 12:39

Ok so she's 15, she's going to have sex whether you like it or not and you obviously want her to do it in a safe place. However she needs a talking to about boundaries and respect, there is no sex to happen while you and her little brother are in the house because that's disrespectful and she also needs to dispose of the condoms respectfully because as much as you know she is having sex you don't want it in your face.

You need to take her or make her an appointment with the GP/practice nurse so she can talk to them about contraception, possibly the pill or implant because there will be that one time when they have no condoms and "once will be ok" then wallop you have a teen pregnancy to deal with.

The sex in the woods with a boy she hardly knows would bother me more, talk to her about having respect for herself and her body. She doesn't need to give it up so easily at such a young age and teen boys have big mouths which leads to gossip.

You can't stop her but you can make sure she is protected and also make sure she knows that she can say no at any time if she decides it's not for her right now.

As for all the pearl clutchers kids have sex 🤷‍♀️

This is exactly what I would say.

The fact that she was having sex in the woods with some random 2 months ago also means that she hasn't been with the current boy friend for very long at all.

You probably won't stop it now they've started, but you can protect her moving forward.
Maybe a conversation about relationships being about so much more than sex, and not having to drop your knickers to get and keep a boyfriend - ESPECIALLY if they pressurise her.
What happens if they get bored of each other next month as teenagers often (not always) do? On to the next one ?
You sound like you have a great relationship. So good that she can talk to you openly but some boundaries / relationship advice needed before she gets a name for herself or worse.

TeacherPlease · 13/12/2023 13:20

For everyone appalled by the condoms in the bin… where do you propose she puts them?!

I appreciate she should empty her own bin before OP gets the chance, but shaming her for putting them in the bin might encourage her not to use them.

But yes, you’re not going to stop them. You know if your DD is emotionally intelligent enough to be consenting. I certainly was at 15, even though my boyfriend was 18 I was in no way at all co-erced or pressured.

Those who insist their children never would are doing them a disservice. You can hope they never would but you should make sure they are prepared in case they do decide to have sex before 16, and make sure they feel secure enough to tell you if they make that decision. I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling my mum I’d done something that she had been professing that I would absolutely never do… kids make mistakes and bad judgement calls all the time!

Vettrianofan · 13/12/2023 13:21

Making an appointment with the sexual health clinic wouldn't be a bad place to start. You don't know where he's been dipping his wick before your DD, so getting tested should be on the Radar.

mummymeister · 13/12/2023 13:21

Blimey! She is only 15 and already on her second sexual partner. you seem remarkably calm about this OP. Perhaps she needs more discussion with you about self respect and not seeing sex as something to be taken so casually? There is a reason why the age of consent is 16 and really is she emotionally capable of handling all of this? does she understand the implications of pregnancy because lets be honest this is how teen pregnancies happen when underage young people get carried away and have no real idea how to properly use protection. You cant put the genie back in the bottle so I would advise to get her on birth control thats more reliable asap and maybe look for a local group that deals with teens and sex so she can talk things through with someone else. this screams serious lack of self confidence to me and thats really what you need to work on with her now.

NoTouch · 13/12/2023 13:23

I do not agree with the "that ship has sailed" argument.

What does an average 17 year boy see in a 15 year old girl apart from the obvious. Even if she has had sex already she is still very vulnerable to coercion and the relationship developing even further unhealthily with suggestions from this older boy, or from her to impress him. You have a 15 year old girl here playing grown up and a 17 year old boy imo taking advantage.

tbh while it would still not be ideal so young, I would be more at ease if they were both 15. ds(19) wouldn't even have spoken to 15 year old girls when he was 17 never mind looking to date/sleep with one!

OrlandointheWilderness · 13/12/2023 13:24

@adriftabroad HRT does NOT cause cancer - that information came from a study conducted in the 90s. We have far more up to date research which points to a slight increase in the development of cancer in someone already predisposed and only if HRT commences after 5 years of menopause. These rumours are really damaging, HRT is so important to some women.

coffeetofunction · 13/12/2023 13:24

My DD had sex with her bf at 15 and like your daughter, she told me. We've had many conversations about sex, boundaries and respect for herself, me and her BF. I'm very grateful she feels she can talk to me and I encourage her to talk to other professionals if she needs too. I have many many teenagers come through my house, they discussed sex with me. Situations they have got themselves in ect and the thing they need most is someone they can talk about it all with. Keep communicating with your daughter and her BF. I sent my daughters BF condoms in the post so I knew he had them, he thanked me. My daughter keeps them next to her bed as I suggested.

Would I rather she wasn't having sex?! Absolutely but she is and I know she waited and did it when it was right for her and her BF.

Adventtime · 13/12/2023 13:25

OP I just don’t think it’s a big deal. She’s happy! Her first experience of sex has been positive. She came to you and told you. You have achieved so much more than many parents every will. Keep that transparent door open, help her make wise decisions regarding more contraception.

15 is young but not exactly far from 16. I went to an all girls (I’m now in 20s) and I think over 50% had sex in year 11 so 15/16. I did in Year 12 at 16 (just turned). My first time was fine but with a dickhead who was much older.

You need to differentiate and understand your issue - is it her age, or the location? She will now have sex. Providing a safe space for that but also enforcing boundaries is fine (ie not when you’re home, not loud blah blah)

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 13:25

OrlandointheWilderness · 13/12/2023 13:24

@adriftabroad HRT does NOT cause cancer - that information came from a study conducted in the 90s. We have far more up to date research which points to a slight increase in the development of cancer in someone already predisposed and only if HRT commences after 5 years of menopause. These rumours are really damaging, HRT is so important to some women.

OMG I KNOW

I am on HRT

incognito50me · 13/12/2023 13:25

What I did when I was in this situation with DD (15, boyfriend the same age):

  • Told her they always, always needed to use contraception. Condoms for pregnancy and STI protection, another form for pregnancy protection. She is on a combined pill and does just fine on it.
  • Make sure to talk to her about what a loving and respectful relationship is and isn't. So far, hers is respectful and she is happy. Yes, in my opinion it's too early for sex, but considering they will not stop having sex because I said so, I make sure it comes with the least amount of danger (in her bedroom, protected). His parents have been taking the same approach.

Honestly, I have a lot more issues with her academic work than I have with her love life. No, it's not ideal, but it's not a tragedy.

mummymeister · 13/12/2023 13:27

@Adventtime her first experience with sex wasnt positive. it was in a wood with some boy. this is her second experience and she is only 15.

OrlandointheWilderness · 13/12/2023 13:27

Bloody odd comment to make them @adriftabroad!

Adventtime · 13/12/2023 13:30

mummymeister · 13/12/2023 13:27

@Adventtime her first experience with sex wasnt positive. it was in a wood with some boy. this is her second experience and she is only 15.

But Op hasn’t said her daughter had an issue with that? It may not be the traditional environment but she may still have had a great time?

women are treated so differently with their sexual encounters! Sex is great especially when you fancy the pants off someone. Those hormones are MAD at that age! I remember it and how insatiable it felt!

Blinkityblonk · 13/12/2023 13:31

What boundary can you put into place to stop a 15 year old having sex in the woods? Lock her in the house? Drive her to and from school (like, what if you have a job?) I am not sure what you can do in this situation other than express disapproval or take away lifts/money?

One in five teenagers say they've had sex prior to being 16, so it's not exactly common but it's not a rarity either.

OhComeOnFFS · 13/12/2023 13:31

I KNOW THAT.

It was talk like that that made my GP put me on HRT!

Original poster
NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 13:32

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:54

"These days" = social media.
"Telling you she is having sex" does not = leaving used condoms in a bin.
18 in 3 weeks does not equal no responsibilty legally. 18 vs 15.

My DD is doing her GCSes. Thanks for the concern.

i didnt say he is 18 in 3 weeks, i said he is 18 3 weeks before she is 16

OP posts:
Blinkityblonk · 13/12/2023 13:33

I mean, of course you can control what happens in your own home (although it hasn't been) but I don't see how you can control what happens in the woods short of house arrest!

DidYouMeanToDoubleTap · 13/12/2023 13:36

anyway yes i realise i was naive letting them go upstairs

Upstairs in your small flat?

in her bedroom ,not upstairs. just always refer to the bedrooms as upstairs dont know why, habit from living in a house for years

Reported after reading the above. OP seems to have got confused about whether it’s a small flat or not. This explanation makes no sense.

Be careful what you post about your own teens everyone and report!

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/12/2023 13:36

Mummyme87 · 13/12/2023 12:54

Yes @Devonshiregal you’re right, I first had sex at 14, that was 22yrs ago! Nothing about ‘these days’, I would say more girls were having sex earlier 15-20yrs ago versus now. And we didn’t tell parents

Exactly. I was 15 and I told the boy I wanted to have sex. He was 17 and definitely love bombed me. But I think if it wasn’t him it would have been someone else as I definitely had found my sex drive at that age.

I was only allowed boys in the house with the door open. Open or shut made no difference to me. No way would I have had sex in the house with my mother there. She would have shamed me and been so awful to me... and she was when she found out I’d had sex.

Idk why your dd had sex in the woods. This wasn’t ideal and has others have said, is more worrying than her having sex with her boyfriend… as long as he’s caring and respectful rather than having love bombed her.

I also think whether or not a girl has sex depends on who she’s with. I have a 15 yo dd btw and have asked her to talk to me if she feels she wants to have sex. She doesn’t have a boyfriend and hasn’t had one yet, has seen a couple of boys, one was rather racy and I was concerned. Dh and I allowed them to go in her bedroom btw.

What I said to dd recently was that if she wants to date that boy or another boy similar again, I’d rather she waited until after her GCSE’s. And this along with not getting pregnant would be my major concerns for your dd. The boy dd was seeing totally love bombed her, wanted her to be his everything, which was pretty intense and the main reason for my concern.

Blinkityblonk · 13/12/2023 13:36

Over 40% of women have had sex by 16 or under. So, there is the illegality question of 15/16, but it's not like having sex at 15 is vastly out of step with the usual age to have sex.

The median age is 17, which is perhaps a little older than you might expect, so it's not true everyone is doing it, but it's also not true that hardly any 15/16 year olds are having sex.

https://yougov.co.uk/society/articles/45313-what-age-did-britons-lose-their-virginity?redirect_from=%2Ftopics%2Fsociety%2Farticles-reports%2F2023%2F03%2F01%2Fwhat-age-did-britons-lose-their-virginity

LastYearsChristmasStamps · 13/12/2023 13:39

DidYouMeanToDoubleTap · 13/12/2023 13:36

anyway yes i realise i was naive letting them go upstairs

Upstairs in your small flat?

in her bedroom ,not upstairs. just always refer to the bedrooms as upstairs dont know why, habit from living in a house for years

Reported after reading the above. OP seems to have got confused about whether it’s a small flat or not. This explanation makes no sense.

Be careful what you post about your own teens everyone and report!

Yes, I'm reporting too. There have been a few threads where an OP has tried to get a discussion going about 15yos recently.

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 13:39

OrlandointheWilderness · 13/12/2023 13:27

Bloody odd comment to make them @adriftabroad!

No. At 50 we ask for a 10th of the hormones to replace diminishing ones.To carry on working/functioning/raising a family/household.

We are told "no. breast cancer." Which is total SHIT and totally ungrounded and untrue.

At 15 our DDs are ENCOURAGED to go on the pill for the sake of...men and ejaculation unwanted pregnancy. Thus, exposing them to unlimited disease and life experience

The BATTLES for HRT are incredible. Yet we, as women, put our young female children on (what is effectively) HRT at 15.

It makes me so angry.

SET BOUNDARIES.